bt0325
recently joined
Reged: 12/20/09
Posts: 3
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[color:blue] [/color] I have been married for 16 years. It has taken me this long and several years of therapy to realize that I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. My "husband" has controlled every aspect of my life up until now. He is In Korea and can't have the control he wants. As a result of this my eyes have been opened to how my life has been. I am sitting here tonight thinking did I waste 16 years of my life? I never went to college because he said that we had to have the money to go first and he wanted to get his degree before I got mine. Well he left and I took it into my own hands and started back to school finally I am living up to the dreams that he stomped on from the begining. I am terrified to talk to him because everytime I do he starts yelling at me and belittleing me and my feelings. I am so tired of being a door mat. I have noticed that my 12 yr old son is starting to talk to me like im stupid as well. I cannot live like this anymore. I am so afraid to file for a divorce I am even more afraid to tell him that I am doing it. I don't know how to go about any of this. If there is anyone willing to give me advice I would greatly appriciate it. I keep gett the while im gonna change and then he does for a week or so and then right back to the way he was. He has even decided that he feels that he raped me off and on through out our marriage. He asked me if I felt that he did and I had. Being to afraid to stand up to him I would give in weather I wanted it or not.Any time I would "stand my ground" he would talk AT me (not to me) and yell until I changed my mind. I know this isn't healthy and I need to get out while I can for my sake and my sons. I am just lost I don't know where to start. Please help me if you can. Thank you in advance.
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amazing
member
Reged: 09/18/09
Posts: 166
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the only thing you can do is forget the past. And start a new. To a better life. Everyone in this type of situation seems to be in the same boat. START OVER.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Yep, stories of many of us here.
Look you can't saty married ot somebody because you are afraid to get away from him. You want to get away from him, because you are scared of him.
Tell you truth, this fear will not go away even when you file for divorce and didn't talk to him for months, because control and abuse has its own way to get in to our vains. Even this person is gone fron your life, you will feel his presence anytime you will do something and know he is disaapove it if he knows about it.
Please be strong and my only message is learn to live alone than dying in a marriage.
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amazing
member
Reged: 09/18/09
Posts: 166
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Its seems happiness is being alone
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bt0325
recently joined
Reged: 12/20/09
Posts: 3
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Thank you all so much. I have told him that I am going to get info from JAG but he doesnt know that I am actually going to file... not yet anyway.I just dont know how or when to tell him.I honestly can't say when the last time I was happy was. I printed off conversations and emails and highlighted his reactions to take to my therapist tomorrow and then to JAG when I go. hopefully they will be able to help me somehow. No matter what I do I have to be strong for my son as well as for me. he desserves to be happy and not afraid to be a kid. Plus he is starting to treat me like my "husband" and I dont want him thinking that thats how you are supposed to treat someone you love. I haven't told him yet either. I have no idea how to do that.
I have a friend that wants to meet me after the first of the year I always felt that it would be wrong but my friends are telling me that Its about time I am happy that I should go for it since my marriage is over and I am filing. Anyone have an opinion on this?
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Be careful. No matter how much you think marriage is over, it is not over until he is out of your life, mind and soul. You don't know what kind of battle you may be dealing with respect to your son and him. There are too many unfinished business you have to take care of, before you invovle anybody else in your life.
Believe me no matter what anybody tells you, he/she understands the challange you will go through during divorce and after that and he/she will be there for you. But they truly are not.
Please wait, you have been hurt and scared, I know it feels good to be liked by somebody else. But you need to be on your own first. It is better for even your divorce processes and child custody. If your husband sees you have somebody other than him, he will make sure you life is a living hell. And legal process is the only way he will use...
Be practical...
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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What myheart said.
Don't get involved with anyone else now! Put that person right out of your mind. You are still married and probably will be for a while yet, legally.
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amazing
member
Reged: 09/18/09
Posts: 166
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Wait until the I's are dotted and t's are crossed first.
In others words wait until the divorce papers are signed. You will feel better about it. And you cant be condemned for it either. ;)
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bt0325
recently joined
Reged: 12/20/09
Posts: 3
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Thats what I thought as well I don't need to give him anymore ammo to fight me with. Some people just don't understand the challenges i have ahead of me. I don't want to go from one relationship to another one. part of my problem is I got married at 19. Straight from my mom and dad to my "husband". I want to be on my own. I don't know what its like to be on my own. I want to live my life not exsist...
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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I'm glad that you are listening to the advice to wait to start another relationship. Get through what you need to first with this divorce.
Good luck
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