rattlesnares
recently joined
Reged: 11/28/10
Posts: 3
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Hi there,
I'm coming up to the first anniversary of separation. It still feels almost as raw as the day she told me. We were a lesbian couple - been together 17 years, raised four kids together, one still at home. I thought we were happy - we had just "remarried" 2 years ago when it became legal in CA. Last year, 6 days before xmas she told me she wanted a separation, and within an hour it became clear she wanted a divorce. We tried to live together (her downstairs) for the sake of our daughter/us having access to each other. Finally, I couldn't take the strain and I moved out in early November. We have done all holidays together (again, very strained) this past year, and I've just decided I just can't go to Xmas - so I will not see my daughter this xmas. I have some days where I feel ok, but i'm overwhelmed with so many things - the loss of the family i loved, sort of loss of my "purpose" - (i've been stay at home mom for 12 years) and now i don't even have my one "job" half the time, loss of my future, financial security, and almost a loss of my past/memories as now I don't know what was even real. My ex has literally skipped away, seems not to have one ounce of regret, and literally went overnight from a loving partner to someone who treats me with great disdain. I am so full of hurt, anger and resentment, I don't know how it will ever get any better. Please let me know it does, in fact, get better.
Cheers, Rudi
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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It does get better with time. Have you considered counseling? Any self help books? The library is a good source to get them.
It does get better as time goes on but only if we try to work to get better. Some do, some don't. Some are forever clouded by a breakup and do not move on.
Its hard not to focus on the X and what was...especially in the beginning...its an adjustment because now one has to focus on the present without the partner and move forward, inch by inch..as painful as it is.
Different things work for different people, as I mentioned counseling, church, books, hobbies, exercise, reaching out to family and friends may help.
Keeping busy.
I wish you luck...but yes with time it does get better.
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camguy
recently joined
Reged: 12/15/10
Posts: 7
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You sound just like me, I was a stay at home dad and loved my life. My ex pulled the same move on me and I've had a hard time moving on also. After six months of hoping we would work things out I have finally accepted the fact that we will never be together again and that's helped a little.
I can identify with you when you talk about the disdain and poor treatment. Last night when I picked up my kids (I have them every weekend), there was a strange car in the driveway. When I asked who it was she said it's some friends and wouldn't say who. The kids told me who it was and turns out it was her high school boyfriend from 20 years ago and his family.
I really wish her the best and am not worried about it too much, just getting sick of the attitude. After all it was her who ended our marriage, and I've been a real sweetheart about things so why all the harsh treatment?
Hang in there, you're not the only one who's had this happen. I'm actually starting to feel better despite all this drama and humor has helped alot. Don't let the rain get you down, laugh and dance in it, life is too short!
Alex
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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It does get better with time and time does heal the wounds... When you are at the start of all this, that seems impossible, but trust me, it does. I realized one of the worst things was having been with someone for 21 years, who didn't love me back. No one deserves or wants that. Life does go on, you become so much stronger and you find out what you are made of.
Hugs,
Lori
--------------------
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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jcham
recently joined
Reged: 01/07/11
Posts: 12
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I dont know if it gets any better I dont, we have been apart now for over 15 months leg sep the works. It's hell on earth it really is, I never thought in a million it would end and still dont feel that way. We have a two year old and I am not good enough for him, he doesnt need me bla bla bla, I dont know if it gets any better but I sure as hell hope it doesnt get any worst. God help me, help our son, and help my wife. When we fist split it was about the money or lack of it and people made me laugh with jokes like well the next time I think about getting married I am just going to find someone that hates me and buy them a house. Now that I have just come to realize I'm broke and its ok, I get hit with this emotional fog that never seems to clear, I mean the fog always lifts right it has too.. Hey hang in there, I just want you to know it sucks for me too and I dont know when it will get any easier...
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Losingmyself
recently joined
Reged: 01/09/11
Posts: 1
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I don't know when it gets easier either. It's been a year since he told me he wanted a divorce. It's now final - 17 years and 3 kids --- 6, 4 and 18 months. Now he has a girl friend (the girl he dated when we first met...more to the story - lots of history there). Now I found out she's pregnant and he just bought a house... NO surprize where that is headed.... HOW do you go on with a situation like that? Our plan was to have atleast 4 and the 4th would of been about the time he is having this other child. My baby is 18 months old and it just tears me up inside. He can't tell me the truth even now. Says he's renting the house, but I can find public records I know he bought the house, but doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth even after all this time. It just hurts, it all hurts and I still cry after a year and everything he's done to hurt me. I don't know when life gets easier - hard to focus on life sometimes. Sometimes I tell myself "you need to wake up" for the kids sake...good days and some bad...
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DonMc
recently joined
Reged: 01/12/11
Posts: 4
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Sure sounds painful, Rattlesnares. I'm sorry it's been so hard and difficult. I've been thru two divorces, and don't wish this transition on anyone, but it's happening more and more, isn't it? It does get easier, for sure. After my second I was devastated, and felt like ending my life. I read Deepak Chopra's book, 'How to Know God', despite not being a member of any religious dogma organization, but one story he told grabbed me, and maybe saved my life. The quote was this: Anyone can end a relationship for any reason that they want to, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Somehow, that was very freeing for me, and I began my healing journey back to holding my life in my own hands after that reading that quote, in that moment. I wish you all the best in your healing path.
Don
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