bellwattz
recently joined
Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 3
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I met my ex husband at 18 and we became best friends very quickly. He was over 500 pounds when we met. I was less than half his size. His size never bothered me because I saw past the weight and looked into his heart. I wasn't "in love" with him the way he expressed he was to me but being young I believed that just loving him was enough. Part of me wanted to save his life. He wasn't an ambitious person. I had to encourage him and push him at times to do better. He was funny, kind and sweet. We had many things in common and enjoyed our time together. Although I did not feel "in love" I adored him and was content on living out the rest of my life with him. I encouraged him to have gastric bypass surgery to lose weight and he was able to lose over half his weight. A few years after surgery he began to change. He and I worked for the same company. My mother also worked for the company and was high ranking. Nearing our 10 year anniversary he told me that he was no longer in love with me and wanted to separate. I felt blindsided. The way he acted didn't make sense to me and he was no longer the person I had love for so many years. He became a stranger to me. I had a clinical nervous breakdown and was on medication. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep all I could do was cry. We had tried for years to get pregnant but it just never happened and I thought after he broke up with me that I was pregnant because I had missed a period. He told me that he wanted to give the baby up for adoption if I were pregnant. After he said that I knew he was a stranger to me. I decided from that moment that I had to move on.
Soon after I met a man who I had a instant connection with. It was as if lightening struck and I honestly felt "in love" for the first time. We moved in together within a week and the day my divorce went final we got married. Skip ahead nearly 5 years....I am now married and have a beautiful daughter. I adore my husband but feel so insecure. I feel like if my ex could leave me so easily then he could to. Some times when I am angry I bring up divorce. I think it is because if I leave first then he can't leave me. He doesn't deserve to have that threatened all the time but I feel like I can't help myself.
The past few years I have found out why my ex left me...he was having an affair with a woman who worked for my mother. A woman I vaguely remember when I worked for the same company as my mother and ex. The lies have come out of the woodwork. My ex now works for my mother so I hear things about him or have even seen him when I have visited my mother's office.
I have had a hard time getting over the betrayal. I have put my husband through hell at times because of it. I know that I got married too quickly after my breakup but it is too late to turn back and I really don't think I would want to if I could.
Can anyone offer me any advice on how I can move past what happened with my ex? I don't want to give him another second of my thoughts but I just feel so completely betrayed and can't understand how he could be the person I thought I knew for so many years then turn on me in an instant. It just doesn't make sense. I find myself having nightmares about it still. I appreciate anything you have to offer me...sorry for rambling so long.
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Fishergirl
addict
Reged: 12/06/08
Posts: 469
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You yourself admit you barely loved your ex yet your divorce has ruined you? oh come on. Your ex deserved more as much as you deserved more and just didnt realize it. Let him go and let yourself and your new dh go as well. What your doing to him is mean and cruel. He doesnt deserve you to threaten divorce with him just because of what happened previously. And from what I have read someone you barely loved left you for someone that loved him.
I would recommend counseling but really I think you just need to decide to be happy in the life you have now and focus on your future with your dh and your child. After all I have been through Im just not a fan of the poor me type of person. Life is tough and you have to work at it.
why do you keep saying that you moved in too quickly if you have a great husband and daughter now? I have known people tthat have dated short periods and are very happily married. If your marriage is a disaster then I could see your hesitation but you say you adore him.
Let your ex go - stop asking your mom to pry into his life and focus on living yours. Move on. I say this nicely. enjoy your life :)
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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As my husband tells me "I am not your ex."
Is it fair to judge everyone because of the character flaws of one person? Do we distrust all blondes because a blonde once short changed us in a store.
I know the feeling ... you have 'husband' again and maybe, like your first husband, he may leave you. The way I have dealt with my insecurities is to have a Plan B. Have an idea how you would cope if he left you or passed away or his health altered dramatically so your life is turned around (spinal injury, stroke, major health crisis).
Don't visit your mother at work. Keep away from the place. Do not ask her about 'work' because she may mention your ex.
Did your mother know about the affair?
One day at a time. Get through each day and do wonderful things for the wonderful man who has shared his life with you. Let the flawed person you deeply cared about to fall by the wayside. He doesn't need rescuing anymore. You have more years with your husband than with your ex. In 10 yrs time are you still going to mourn the loss of a marriage that lasted less time than your present marriage?
The man you are with now has made his life with you. You share far more than you ever shared with your ex. You have a daughter and a future.
Step away from your ex's shadow. He doesn't deserve another thought.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3028
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Don't judge your current DH by the standards of bad behavior your ex set -- we're all capable of setting our own standards of good and bad behavior.
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bellwattz
recently joined
Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 3
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Thank you for your response...I agree with some of the things you said. But I actually did love him very much. I adored him. I wasn't "in love" with him which to me involves passion which I felt none towards him. But I loved him deeply that is why him leaving me the way he did has tortured me. I did everything I could possibly do for him. I just wish that he had come to me and told me that he wasn't happy anymore and was wanting to move on. I could have handled that better because deep down I knew that our marriage wasn't "real". He was my best friend and I don't understand why he wanted to hurt me by lying. I trusted him. Completely. Blindly. I feel robbed now because I can't give that same blind trust to my current husband. My husband has been wonderful to me. He is completely different from my ex. He is not the kind of man you can have deep conversations with. He is more of a "manly" type. My ex was very emotional and the kind of person you could tell anything to. He was so soft hearted. That is the thing I don't get. Why the betrayal? If I knew the answers and the whole truth perhaps I could get past this more. I feel like I didn't get the closure I needed.
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bellwattz
recently joined
Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 3
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Thank you for your response. Wow...you really hit home to me. You are right...I can't make my husband pay for my ex-husbands mistakes. It isn't fair. His ex-wife left him for another man but he doesn't compare me to her like I have compared my ex to him. He is a wonderful man and I feel sometimes that he deserves so much better than me.
My mother was very close to my ex. She was absolutely floored when the breakup went down. It was completely out of character for my ex to do something so deceitful. He just wasn't that person for the many years I was with him. After our breakup he told me that the last two years of our marriage he was acting and playing a part. I never saw through the act but looking back perhaps the signs were there and I just blew them off not wanting to believe it.
When you ask if in 10 years time will I mourn the loss of a marriage that lasted less than the one I have now...I truly believe the answer will be no. I just have to learn to let go of things I have no control over and try to accept I may never have the answers for why he did the things he did to me. It is hard to accept that a huge amount of time in my life was a lie. The past few years have been a challenge at times for me. Healing hasn't came as easily as I had hoped. I didn't expect to think about my ex at all after this long. That is why I thought I would come here and get some perspective.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Of course you CAN make your current husband pay for your Ex-husbands mistakes, that is what is so great about marriage.
For women anyway...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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You posted that "Healing hasn't came as easily as I had hoped. I didn't expect to think about my ex at all after this long."
I would suggest you consider counseling or a support group. As the posters have shared with you, your current marriage and daughter are what you need to focus on. How would you feel if your inability to let go of the past has a devastating repurcussion on your current marriage.
Its hard to let go of our X's and betrayal and not everyone is like the X's in our lives. My X left me for OW after almost 30 yrs together. He lied when he left, told me that he needed to find himself, I recently found out that he was having an affair with the woman who is now his wife. Did it bother me to find out, not really. I have made a new life and he did me a favor. I just wish like you I had known about the OW when he left, it would have made me recover faster.
If you have a husband who loves you and is good to you and your life is good, then work on that. The X who was having an affair is not worth it. He chose someone else. Yes it hurts but all of us deserve to be with someone who loves us and is faithful to us and committed to the marriage and children. It sounds like your current husband is that person.
Cherish your husband and daughter, thats your life now.
I wish you luck.
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DonMc
recently joined
Reged: 01/12/11
Posts: 4
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I'd suggest something drastic: take the energy you have for being angry and focus instead on being grateful in your mind and heart to your ex, for leaving something that wasn't fulfilling, and resulting in you finding another man with who you're building what sounds like a good life.
I've done this thousands of times, and coached my clients to do the same: when you have the anger and the picture of your ex come into your mind, sit with it, and slowly let it slide away into the distance, into a fog. Then, sit with the emptiness for a moment. When you're ready, bring up your own figure, seeing your face and eyes shining brightly, a smile on your face, feeling love and compassion. The more you practice this imaging, instead of the imaging and emotional hook of the anger and fear, the better you'll get at it. Guaranteed! It worked for me after my second divorce, and I'm much better for it.
So many blessings to you on your journey!
Don
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