Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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Often there's language in these agreements to the effect that the parents will cooperate and consult, then the final decision is given to one or the other in major decisions and the verbiage about cooperation is just window dressing.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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She's not withholding anything. You said she was allowing visits at her home...supervised, which is what the order allows. I guess if he wants something different, he needs to hire an attorney and petition the Courts to change the order, as is also stated in the order.
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Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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Yes she just recently said he can see her at their house, and he does plan to go for modification. Visits at her house are not healthy for the daughter or for him, he tried it hoping that it would work. And she only says she will allow this when completely denying it doesn't get the outcome she wants, which is for him to give in and move back with her.
I just hope he will qualify for some sort of legal help/funding because there is no way he can afford an expensive drawn out fight.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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"I just hope he will qualify for some sort of legal help/funding because there is no way he can afford an expensive drawn out fight."
That will in part depend on your state. In mine there is not legal aid for family court. Either you pay for an attorney or you go in pro se. As YAH stated the mother is not withholding anything because of the way the CO is worded. He may not like it but he agreed to it, and his first step is to file for a modification which you said he's doing.
The CO is worded so that visitation has to be agreed upon by both parties so if she doesn't agree....no parenting time. All she has to say is that she felt he was under the influence and that is why she terminated the visits. He will counter and say she ended them because he has no interest in her. He is an alcoholic so who do you think they will believe. As for him having to find a different AA group, she is going to say that she became involved because she cared about him and wanted him healthy for their daughter.
Saying that he can't have her supervise because it caused him to relapse isn't going to get him far. He relapsed? He owns it. That is what is wrong with this world. People want to blame others for their weakness. HE is the one who has control over what he does.
For everything you have said she is going to have a very valid counter. Even if he does get help for a family attorney it's not going to be someone cut throat because they aren't getting paid. It's not going to be someone who goes out and finds a ton of witnesses and there won't be a long drawn out case because the attorney isn't going to allow it to happen.
Will he get a better deal than he has now if he files a modification? I'm thinking so. At the very least he will probably get a set schedule and a neutral party to supervise. I would NOT count on that person being you. Not because you're dangerous to the child but because you aren't exactly neutral and there is no way mom (who has legal custody) is going to go for it.
I'm glad to hear he is trying to get his life together, but it sounds like he is still at the very beginning of recovery. I don't think this fight is going to help much.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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He owns his relapses but it is also a big part of his recovery to be able to pin point what triggers them and avoid those situations. Also, having a lot of knowledge of this disease a relapse is not because of a lack of will power or a moral problem, and the relapse starts with thoughts and emotions long before he takes an actual drink. Drinking is only one symptom of alcoholism.
His sobriety is closely monitored by his sponsor/ probation officer so she can't just say that he is active when he is not. He would have a swarm of people willing to stand up for his sobriety if need be. He is also not going to lie about relapses on the same token, they both have respect for AA and what it represents. Hopefully whatever judge has the case will have some knowledge on what recovery is, because while an active addict of any kind will definitely be a liar/manipulator, a truly recovering one will be more honest than a non-addict.
Thanks for the advice.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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Drinking is only one symptom of alcoholism. / quote
This is the peculiar disease model of alcoholism proposed by AA, whereby there is no cure, only endless dependence on AA, it's steps, higher power, prayer, sponsors and other AA members. The relapse/dropout rate is around 90%. I would be careful not to drink the coolaid yourself. Your bf can stop drinking if he wants to. There are many free meetings and online forums available now where he can find the support necessary to quit.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30214
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She is only allowed to deny parenting time when she suspects alcohol use. Pay an off duty cop to go with you and verify he is not under the influence.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]So she is able to withhold ALL visitation .....? [/quote]
The rest of that question is moot because you stated that the agreement he signed says "Father shall have physical custody of daughter in supervised visits by agreement of the parties." She doesn't agree, therefore visitation isn't taking place.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30214
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Yes, but if he attempts parenting time at random varied times and places, with official verified non alcohol use, and she ALWAYS denies it, he has a case for hanging the order due to her abuse of the SPIRIT of the order.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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"He would have a swarm of people willing to stand up for his sobriety if need be."
I don't think you get that with a legal aide or a "free" attorney there is goingt o be no one willing to interview those witnesses. All of the time spent on extras=money the attorney isn't getting. Anyone not getting paid is simply not going to work that hard.
Saying he needs to pin point what stressors cause him to relapse is much different than the first post where you said SHE caused him to relapse. Yes, it IS about will power just like anything else. I realize people call it a "disease", however it's an addiction just like smoking, crack, pot, or even caffine. A disease is not something you cause to happen to yourself. An addiction is.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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