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blessingsdragon
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Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Feeling caged
      #8869 - 02/07/05 11:18 AM

Hey all, I'm new here and I am just looking for some outside veiws on my situation. I know that someone has probably gone through this same thing,if not then it would be a very simular situation, to what I am going through. So, here goes...

I am a mother of a beautiful two year old (going to be three in July) daughter. Her father and I have been together for about ten years, married going on three. We were highschool sweet hearts, and we are both still young. He just turned 24 and I will be 23 this May. My problem is this: early on in the marrige he threatened to hit me. It had occured over something so stupid; something so small and insignificant. I hadn't made vegtables with dinner adn he was tired and frustrated from work so he took it out on me after I had let him sleep through the meal. Anyway, its been two years since that first time and since then he has threatened to hit me a total of five times. He has also threatened our daughter in frustration. This had occured when she was but a few months old, just starting to motor around and learn about her environment. He and I have talked about it, he doesn't see why it is such a big issue for me and why I cannot just forgive him for the things that he has said to me. Just as well, beyond the threats I have undergone a lot of emotional abuse. When we get into arguments or when he becomes depressed, or just in a shitty mood, I become selfish, selfcentered and uncaring all around. I've only recently started to realize that I am better then all of this. I have only recently begun to realize how unhappy I am with my situation, and with him.

So..any advice from those who have been here before is gladly welcomed. I don't like being afraid and I hate feeling worthless and selfish even more. Thanks for your time, sorry for the long post. Be safe and well all.


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8876 - 02/07/05 01:41 PM

I would suggest that route first. If he won't go, go to counseling for yourself. And if you ultimately decide it has to be over, there is help out there. But counseling may help his anger and help you to forgive his past anger as well. It may not. But it will be cheaper than a divorce in the long run, so should be the first solution to try.

--------------------
Char Fox


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blessingsdragon
recently joined


Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: almostheaven]
      #8879 - 02/07/05 04:17 PM

After arguing with him over the prospect he agreed that we could seek counseling together. He truly does not see the need for it, though. I have been searching our area for practices that wont cost us an arm and a leg to participate in and have not been having much luck.

In the meantime I am taking some time away from the relationship. I am going to stay with my sister a few states away for a month in order to get my head cleared a bit of the situation and to perhaps figure out what I truly want from this relationship.

--------------------
Be safe and well.


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8882 - 02/07/05 05:48 PM

Look up County, City, or State run clinics with counseling services. They base their costs on your income. You can pay anywhere from $0 to full price...which is still generally cheaper than private care.

--------------------
Char Fox


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daphyne
journeyman


Reged: 01/20/05
Posts: 90
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8889 - 02/07/05 09:56 PM

I would also consider turning to a church in your area - the pastor may provide some counseling - if they don't they usually work with area agencies who specialize in counseling and sometimes with their referral you can get reduced fees.

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aussie928
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Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8896 - 02/07/05 11:05 PM

(quote) He truly does not see the need for it, though (quote)

G'day luv, someone once said that admitting you have a problem is 50 percent of the solution. You can try this and not saying you shouldnt..just dont get your hopes up to high unless within the first couple of meetings he starts singing another tune. I certainly hope that if you are going out of town...you are taking the wee one with you.


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blessingsdragon
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Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: aussie928]
      #8927 - 02/08/05 09:54 AM

The young'un is not coming with me on the trip. She will be staying with him and his father's family while I am away. He sees it as a precautionary measure. If she is with him then I will have to come back home when he comes to pick me up in April ( he has threatened to take her away from me should I decide that I am not coming home). That, and he said he needs something to look forward to when he gets done with work at the end of the day. If I take her with me then he will feel he has no purpose.

As far as seeing a pastor for counseling goes, I am not too sure how comfortable I would feel going to a man of the cloth about my situation due to religous differences.

--------------------
Be safe and well.


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aussie928
old hand
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Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8929 - 02/08/05 10:19 AM

G'day luv...you need to really rethink this last part about not taking the wee one with you. I wish you all the luck in trying to make this work..but should it not..in some states he can use the fact that you left the wee one behind for a month against you in custody issues.

I am not saying this is your case...but I have seen cases where one is all of a sudden willing to go to counseling or whatever (when they have fought this for years) and really what they are doing is positioning themselves for a divorce.


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blessingsdragon
recently joined


Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: aussie928]
      #8932 - 02/08/05 10:44 AM

I have thought about that, as well. I am not entirely comfortable with leaving her up here. Her father isn't the most attentive man in the world -- not that I am perfect at taking care of her, but I do do my best. I have spoken with him about taking her down with me, he has declined, though, saying that he already has things set up to where she will be looked after during the day while he is at work. He has also said that it would be better for me to leave her up here, that way I will get the time away from her that I need, as well as the free time I desire to have with my sister. I've agreed because I wont take his daughter away from him. As much as she needs me, she needs him as well...I know it may go badly in the future for me. But if he wants her that badly, no matter how much it would kill me, as long as she is taken care of he can have custody of her.

--------------------
Be safe and well.


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daphyne
journeyman


Reged: 01/20/05
Posts: 90
Re: Will he do marital counseling?... [Re: blessingsdragon]
      #8939 - 02/08/05 12:10 PM

[As far as seeing a pastor for counseling goes, I am not too sure how comfortable I would feel going to a man of the cloth about my situation due to religous differences.]
Understandable, just wanted you to know as an option that they work with alot of different agencies and sometimes provide additional funding for this. (I work at a church and know some of the ins and outs of their operations). I hope I didn't offend you by offering this as a suggestion, I certainly didn't mean to. I guess I don't see the Pastor that I work with as a man of the cloth because he's about as common as they come, down to earth person. I could walk into his office, jump up and down, cuss and carry on and he wouldn't blink an eye! He's seen it all, heard it all, and then some! Hang in there...I'll keep you in my thoughts......


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