motorboater
old hand
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
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Anyone have experience from the stbx pulling abuse claims out during the settlement? Not as grounds for divorce, but to affect the $ and custody settlements? How much do these matter? How much is considered in the past or not relevant in a no-fault state?
There are no charges filed, no injuries, no witnesses, just "he said vs. she said."
We've been apart for a year, and nothing has happened in over a year. However, it is true that we're both guilty of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse towards each other earlier in the marriage.
Before we separated, I chose to go to counseling and stopped my abusive behavior. She didn't get counseling and she didn't stop hers. It stopped (physically from her to me) when I moved out. Hasn't really stopped verbally from her to me yet, but since its only over the phone and only from her to me I just hang up so its at least safe and over with for me.
We've been proceeding towards divorce, and as recently as last month she was still quite amicable about things like the settlement and custody. However, recently, she found out that the guidelines for child support entitle her to roughly $1000 less a month than she thought she was going to get.
Now she's been calling saying that I need to settle for the $ she's requesting and give her full custody or she will accuse me of physical abuse of her (which is true, though from >1 year ago). Wondering if anyone has been through something like this? And true or false, isn't this some form of blackmail?
I want to be accountable for my actions, and just move on to a healthy life, away from her, lessons learned. But not to the point where I forfeit 100% of community prop assets and all custody and pay over the state formula for CS or >50% income for SS. (her requests from our last conversation.)
IOW, I'm not innocent, neither is she. She's looking to maximize settlement with both true and false claims of abuse, and (presumably) by denying any similar wrongdoing on her part. I think she knows I just want to be away and will be inclined (emotionally) to overpay just to escape and start over.
I'm stuck between not wanting to fight her over this (because I did hurt her) and not wanting to let her take advantage of this to hurt me.
Is it worth counter-accusing? Having letters and from her where she apologizes for hitting and kicking and attacking me? Or letters/apologies from me for yelling and shoving and threatening her? (because that's what we did to each other and that's what we wrote...) Or would that work against me?
And how do I prepare for false allegations to come from her, while being honest about the some to come from her that are likely actually true?
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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They are likely going to believe her claims of you abusing her and ignore claims of her abuse of you. Seriously. It's a hard fight and NOT uncommon at all. And DON'T let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many "false abuse claim" threads on this board, usually prompted by her attorney to secure a larger claim in a contentious divorce.
I think you are screwed. You can "prepare" all you like but it is probably hopeless. They won't arrest you or anything but it paints you in a bad light and they know it.
Not being pessimistic, just being real here.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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She can accuse you of anything, and you can accuse her. Without documentation though, its as you said, he said/she said. That's how the court will treat it. Now if she gets a sympathetic judge who believes her sob story, it may sway their decision. But you need to be equally armed. Document any incidents you recall so you can be prepared for what she may say. Get documentation of the counseling you obtained, any other documentation, any family/friends/neighbor witnesses that saw any exchanges then or after you had counseling and she was the aggressor.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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He IS being pessimistic. You can always tell when someone is bitter. Take bitter advice with a grain of salt as its tainted by feelings moreso than by logic.
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Char Fox
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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[quote]He IS being pessimistic. You can always tell when someone is bitter. Take bitter advice with a grain of salt as its tainted by feelings moreso than by logic. [/quote]
Obviously you forgot to take your magic pill today. Wait until your next dose. Do not double up.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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092895
enthusiast
Reged: 04/03/08
Posts: 226
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Actually, I would have to agree with Relayer on this one (shock). She may have hit you and all the other stuff, but it is still very much frowned upon when a man is physical with a woman.
Example: My husband used to man handle me frequently and yes he could say I hit at him. I did when he grabbed me by my head and the pain for the earring piercing me made me react and slap the crap out of him. He let go. Thank God! -OR- the time he had me by my neck against a wall and I kneed him in the groin. He also let me go that time. It was always in self defense. However, there were many more times that he just left bruises on my arms and all I did was pull away, which made it hurt even worse.
I have no sympathy for any man that ever hits a woman, however any woman who thinks she is man enough to hit a man better duck and run!
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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[quote]Actually, I would have to agree with Relayer on this one (shock). She may have hit you and all the other stuff, but it is still very much frowned upon when a man is physical with a woman.
Example: My husband used to man handle me frequently and yes he could say I hit at him. I did when he grabbed me by my head and the pain for the earring piercing me made me react and slap the crap out of him. He let go. Thank God! -OR- the time he had me by my neck against a wall and I kneed him in the groin. He also let me go that time. It was always in self defense. However, there were many more times that he just left bruises on my arms and all I did was pull away, which made it hurt even worse.
I have no sympathy for any man that ever hits a woman, however any woman who thinks she is man enough to hit a man better duck and run! [/quote]
I got hit a lot by my ex. She did it quite often and I never once hit her back. In fact, a few times, when cornered or in a sick bed when it happened, I just let her hit me as I know quite certain it there was a single mark on her from me in self defense, it would have been ME going to jail rather than her. I once counted 20 close fist punches to my face. If I put my arms up to block them, and she somehow glanced her wrist off of mine and became bruised from it, that was all the cops would need to haul me away. My daughters once saw her clobber me in the face more than a dozen times. They still talk about it and it happened when they were 2 and 4, over 3 years ago. It will probably live with them forever.
People who think it wouldn't happen are delusional. Men 100% of the time get a raw deal in terms of domestic abuse. Even if the woman is arrested, it's rare she is punished for it in any real sense.
She is in trouble now though as it is certain she is a domestic abuser and is now married to one (convicted twice and jailed for it once). It is only a matter of time before she smacks HIM and he is going to turn around and if not kill her, mess her up horribly as he did his 3 other wives. Just hope my kids dont see it.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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stuckinarut
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 10/12/07
Posts: 1631
Loc: Island of Man
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i would never let a woman hit me. if a woman ever raised a hand to me it would be the end.
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"The King of fraud and corruption"
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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"if a woman ever raised a hand to me it would be the end."
Brilliant - if you enjoy incarceration.
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stuckinarut
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 10/12/07
Posts: 1631
Loc: Island of Man
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i've gotten away with it before...
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"The King of fraud and corruption"
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