newme
recently joined
Reged: 06/28/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Missouri
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My husband and I are 36 y/o. Married for 7 years. We have 2 y/o twins. We are both MD's (his earning potential is twice mine b/c of his specialty). By mutual agreement I stayed home with the kids for the last two years. He has never asked me to return to work - in fact has expressed his happiness with the arrangement. I expected to stay with them until they reached kindergarten. The year prior to getting pregnant, I worked part-time, earning about $30,000. He has been earning over $120,000. I filed last week because of his ongoing internet 'dating' and chat - dirty or otherwise with countless women in Southeast Asia. He's also been with Asian prostitutes. Six months into our marriage he 'dated' a Vietnamese woman. He currently is listed on numerous internet dating sites, with his picture, stating that he is divorced, his children live elsewhere (we all still live in the same house) and he would 'relocate' his online girlfriend (I have hardcopy evidence of this).
What is the likelihood that I will recieve temp spousal maintenance so that my kids don't lose their father, the only home they've known and their mother (b/c of a full time job) at the same time?
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Not sure if this will be much help to you... Stbx and I were together for 30 years, we both work full time, our only child, a son, was 23 and out on his own for a few years when stbx left 3 years ago. His income is 3 times that of mine and in our temp. orders I was awarded spousal support. The court did a parity of income, combined our incomes and divided using a percentage formula and taking into consideration that I pay taxes on spousal income and he does not. The magistrate indicated in a pre settlement and the settlement hearing that permanent modifiable spousal would be awarded and stbx finally came to terms that it was going to permanent and signed agreement settlement papers. I worked most of our marriage, during my entire pregnancy and returned to my job when our son was 2 months old, we concentrated our then limited income toward furthering the education of stbx. I am in Ohio. My attorney advised the things in my favor were long term marrige, the disparity in our incomes, my age, and the style of life we had during the last several years of our marriage.
Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, I strongly advised you to do that asap, or using lingo from my days of working in a large hospital, stat! I know it sounds harsh in a way, but you have to get the process started and financial restraining orders in place as a way, or attempt to, stop him from moving marital asset money.
Good luck and keep us posted. This is a great place to find advice and best of all, support from people who are, or have been, there and understand what you are going through.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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newme
recently joined
Reged: 06/28/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Missouri
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Thanks Karen. Any experience that is similar to mine is helpful. It's good to know that the income disparity will help as well as our lifestyle. Unfortunately our marriage wasn't 'long-term' and I'm relatively young and very employable - although I'm looking forward to returning to work at the right time. I have an excellent lawyer and I filed last week. I don't know if I need to file further financial restraining orders on him now or if that's enough. Planning on calling my lawyer in the am.
Your suppport means alot to me.
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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I imagine it would be difficult to open a practice at this time, but I'm sure you can be hired by an HMO or hospital or medical group and establish yourself with a fairly good paying job. Get the children enrolled in a good daycare situation...or hire a nanny. Do not move out of the house...make him be the one to move. File for divorce right away and get a temporary support order so that you can continue to make the mortgage payments and keep the children in their current lifestyle. You will not be penalized for being a working mother...after all...he'll be a working father, right? EVen-steven. I'd get to the bank as soon as possible and close joint accounts...or at least move out your half of the funds to a separate account in your name only. Close all joint credit card accounts and reopen those in your name also. You do not want to be stuck with debts incurred by your H after you separate...and you'd rather he didn't jump into the bank and sieze all the money, right? YOu don't need financial restraining orders, unless there are many assets in his name that he can move or control without your consent....or unless he's beaten you to the bank. Your attorney can request an immediate hearing to "freeze" all the assets until an equitable settlement can be reached.
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newme
recently joined
Reged: 06/28/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Missouri
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Does it make sense to close all accounts when we're still living in the same home, sharing all the same things, food, utilities, etc...?
Thanks Melody.
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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Remember, he will soon be the enemy. How will you feel when you go to get some cash out and find your ATM card no longer works? Or...you try to write a check at the grocery store and it's not accepted? You need to protect yourself. You need to have access to your share of the assets....just in case your husband decides to take control of all of them.
It's definitely going to cause a stir. I can't remember the timetable for my situation. I know I told him on a Sunday that I wanted a divorce....and he asked if we could both remain in the house for a little while so that he could get it together to go rent a place (actually he was stalling to see if it would blow over). I cannot recall if I did the banking thing the very first Monday...or if I waited until the first monday after he moved out. He left after three weeks because it was a nightmare...he realized we couldn't remain under the same roof under these new terms...so he moved in to his sisters for a while before getting his own place. I took all the phone numbers to work and had all the credit cards dealt with in less than an hour. I went to the bank and took exactly 50% out of each account and opened my own accounts. I took all of the savings bonds out of the safe and kept exactly 50% of them. Ex may not have like this, but he knew I wasn't taking any more than what I was entitled to take.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Exactly right on a stbx now being the enemy.. in the sense that many of us have had to fight it out via attorney to get what we are entitled to. I don't mean a stbx has to be the enemy forever or in all your dealings, and most especially not when it comes to the children. SYbx's are often a real enemy when it comes to the legal aspects of ending a marriage and the assets involved.
That was one of the very hardest things for me, to suddenly be forced to think of someone I had loved, trusted and been with for 30 years, the person I relied on for support and input on many decisions I had to make, to have to now think of this person as an enemy who definately did not care any longer about my welfare, my future, really anything about me, and did not have my best, or even any, interest in his heart. It was hurtful to come to the realization that he would screw me over in a heartbeat, and indeed had attempted to on the day he left. He attempted to get me to sign the dissolution papers he handed me as he was telling me he was leaving. He had prepared them right down to who would get what, that if I dated or co habitated I lost all rights to my share of his pension etc. He tried to get me to sign those papers when I was in a state of shock at what he had just told me. Oh yes, he definately was thinking of only himself and his future. Of course I did not sign them. When this is all final I just might send him a copy of what he wanted me to sign for dissolution and a copy of the final court orders with a note pointing out how he tried to trick me. Then again it might not be worth the effort.
karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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but in many cases, once the decision is made to divorce...all the nicey nice and cooperation that might have been present may fly out the window. You just don't know what the other party may attempt to do in order to get what THEY want...so you have no choice but to protect your own interests....as there is no guarantee that anyone else will look after them for you.
My ex did not want us to use attorneys for our divorce, as he felt we could come to an agreement and file it ourselves. I was willing to go along with anything just to keep things civil and get it the heck over with. However, my Dad just about had a heart attack when he heard this and he insisted that I would at least bring the proposal to an attorney to review before I signed anything. He said he'd pay for it....to remove any possible argument I could have. What else could I do? I followed my Dad's guidance and got an attorney to review the agreement that ex drafted. It wasn't totally unfair...in fact, it was ok...except we didn't have specific visitation. At the time, we were somewhat cooperative and the "reasonable" visitation seemed like it would work. My attorney did balk at the child support and spousal support amounts, as well as some of the division of assets......Anyway, ex came unglued when he learned that I had seen an attorney....because then HE had to get one. It really wasn't that big a deal because I ended up accepting most of the proposal....there were only a few minor changes that my attorney wanted. He kept insisting that he could get me more money if I'd just let him loose, but I maintained that I wanted to keep things low-key and just get it over with.
Soon after this, the ex who had kept up a pretense of being cooperative and civil....became a hostile and aggressive tyrant. I was so glad that I had protected myself. Plus I had the advantage of knowing that ex had done this with his first wife. They did their own divorce...and she never got any part of his retirement, and numerous other financial assets she should have been entitled to a portion of. I knew what was going on....and ex wasn't able to railroad his proposal by me like he did with wife #1. Had I NOT protected my interests....ex would have taken off with $10K of savings bonds that were mine, he may not have given up the full 50% of our savings and cash assets, I definitely would not have gotten my share of his civil service retirement benefits (worth at least $30K starting in four years when he retires), I could go on...but that's enough.
The point is that this person is someone that you are entering into an adversarial relationship with. Whether or not you ACT like enemies is not the point. Your interests are likely in direct conflict with each others...because what benefits him will be detrimental to you and vice versa. If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will.
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Lyn
journeyman
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 95
Loc: NJ
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Hi Karen - Your comments really hit home as your experience was similar to mine. Was hard enough to absorb the 'WHAT, you're taking a hike?' shock in itself; almost impossible to come to terms with the the realization that X already had a new agenda mapped out and tried to dictate how things would be settled....sort of like premeditated murder of a relationship! After 27 years, not only I, but our daughter and son, were very much out with the old, in with the new as he divorced us all. Thank God for my attorney as I was so addled that I might have laid down and died as X thought I should; happily the courts had a very different perspective than X. The adversarial battle is certainly no picnic and can take ages if not a lifetime to recover from despite how one moves on, but unfortunately in many cases, it is a necessary evil.
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Lyn
journeyman
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 95
Loc: NJ
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Hi Karen - Your comments really hit home as your experience was similar to mine. Was hard enough to absorb the 'WHAT, you're taking a hike?' shock in itself; almost impossible to come to terms with the the realization that X already had a new agenda mapped out and tried to dictate how things would be settled....sort of like premeditated murder of a relationship! After 27 years, not only I, but our daughter and son were very much out with the old, in with the new...he had no further interest in any of us or our welfare, apparently seeing us as nothing more than ships that passed in the night. Thank God for my attorney as I was so addled that I might have laid down and died as X thought I should; happily the courts had a very different perspective than X. The adversarial battle is certainly no picnic and can take ages if not a lifetime to recover from despite how one moves on, but unfortunately in many cases, it is a necessary evil.
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