onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Well I will attempt to live up to the promises we/he made to our son. In our family, stbx was the main money maker and had the much better job with great bonuses etc. I , on the other hand, anm a public school teacher with a flatline salary that will never increase by much and has no bonuses or overtime. STBX has always thrown around his money esp to the kids, telling them all the things he would do for them. I tried to stay out of the conversations and encouraged him not to promise too much, and personally, I knew if I ever had to pay it on my own I would be unable to do so. Fast forward to the beginning of this process and STB says what all here say- He's 20 he can take care of himself I'm not supporting him or you.So much for loving supportive dad. He did rescind that after he repeated it to our son's face and my so almost collapsed right there (he's a tad OCD and when you make a promise he expects it to be fulfilled) So now he is saying he will follow through with what he promised but nothing more than that. So I would like to have him put that somewhere so IF he does fall through on that and I do end up helping son where I can, he'll understand dad is the one who is reneging. not me. They see dad as a saint and can do no wrong. I am not out to change that but they need to see the man for what he is becoming, I've hid it from them for over 10 years. Time for them to wake up and see he's no saint.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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So if Dad doesn't pay for a TWENTY YEAR OLD MAN's upkeep, you want to be able to preach to the kids how bad he is? Do you have ANY idea how unhealthy that is? You NEVER EVER speak poorly about one parent to the children...EVER.
And honestly, the "kid" is 20, his parents are divorcing, and he needs to accept that his gravy train is OVER. He can work his way through college, just like LOTS AND LOTS of people do.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Well I know you wouldn't understand OUR situation however, I have never ever spoke ill about my stbx to my kids for the past 5 years while he's been running around behind my back and trash talking me to my kids and my friends. I have bit my tounge for my kids sake. But honestly when is it HIS turn to do the right thing? I'm getting alot of "Dads" on here crying foul. When is HE supposed to do the right thing?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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"Well I know you wouldn't understand OUR situation however"
You might be surprised at how common your situation is.
"I have never ever spoke ill about my stbx to my kids for the past 5 years while he's been running around behind my back and trash talking me to my kids and my friends."
And you should continue to do so. My comment about you talking trash to the kids was in response to your statement that you PLANNED on doing so if he did not do what you want, and THAT is wrong.
"But honestly when is it HIS turn to do the right thing? I'm getting alot of "Dads" on here crying foul. When is HE supposed to do the right thing?"
Define the "right" thing. You want him to FULLY support a 20 year old MAN. Well, guess what, he now has YOU (in the form of spousal support) and the KIDS 9in the form of child support) and HIMSELF (because he needs a home to live in). There are more people taking slices out of the pie now, and the pie is the same size. Something has to give, and I am afraid that the ADULT who is living off of you two is going to be the first to go.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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The right thing is what was right a month ago. A month ago he felt my son had contributed ALOT to his education by maintaining a high average in college and providing a significant amount of his expenses in the form of scholarships. We felt it was important for him to continue working hard during the school year and keept those grades up and scholarships rather than take a job, get lower grades, and therefore higher bills. At the time, our combined income was high enough that we were able to provide this kind of support for him. There is no reason why stbx cannot continue to pay for what he has already promised, Now, I agree that our circumstances have changed and now , yes, we may not be able to continue to pay for what we have promised in the past- for the future. But past bills we have told him we would pay ARE our responsibility. And I do feel more STBX/s then mine. Because in his attempts to pump up his already inflated ego he would hand son scholarship checks (non-earmarked ones) and say- here spend how you want- you deserve it. Much to my shock and my objection.
I also think divorce is hard enough on the offspring of divorced parents and by saying to son- well mom and I screwed up our lives, so tough luck grow up.... Yes, life is not fair, but we have responsibilities to him regardless of his age.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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All I will say is that you are in for a rude awakening when this gets to court.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that the courts will not have any part of THIS part of the divorce. I know it is off the table. I'm not planning on making it any part of the court portion of this divorce. But I am going to attempt to have it stated in the paperwork on my stbx approval. If he doesn't want it in there, it won't be in there. But I will not hid that from my children.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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So if your stbx disagrees with you on this issue, you will tell the children that he did so in order to make him look bad?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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No, I will let my son know that his father feels it is now his responsibility and I will help him the best I can,and/ or support him in getting the money together he wasn't planning on paying. My son is a smart guy, he'll figure it out himself without me telling him. His dad will make him self look bad without my help.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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You know, I am going to point something out here. For someone that expects Dad to foot the bill for ADULT children, moreso even than YOU are expecting to do, you use the term "MY children" an awful lot.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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