focusedon2
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/10/05
Posts: 2136
|
|
The other thing is that you've only said negative things about your kids. They are spoiled brats, lazy, etc. I hope that's not the sum of their relationship with you and that you do point out their positive points. When my ex returned from CA, I was surprised about how many negative things I heard about my kids from him. They are undisciplined, they don't listen, they are messy. The strangest thing is that I thought he was hardest on the one who adored him the most and it was beginning to affect the way she thought of herself. Finally, I had to say something to him. I will only take so much negative talk about my kids (even if it's accurate) because I know that they have so many wonderful qualities as well. I will listen eagerly to how much they can change ONLY if I feel my ex recognizes their good points as well.
I'm particularly sensitive to that because my ex can be really very critical. I know how he made me feel that I could never measure up to his high expectations and I didn't want my children to feel that way about themselves.
Also, I wouldn't have let them leave your home on Wed. if it was still your time.
One of the things I really have a hard time with is when divorced parents feel like they don't have to deal with their spoiled kids because they feel like the CP is the one who spoiled them. It's an unfortunate byproduct of divorce when kids complain they like one household better than the other. If parents didn't want that to happen, they should have stuck with one another. Sometimes one parent has a strength that is the other parent's weakness and vice-versa. Together in a home, if they work together, they can balance one another out. They can still do that divorced, but it is so much harder.
So these are your bratty kids and that's as much your responsibility and your doing as your ex - since every 1st, 2nd, and 3rd weekend is a lot of time if you add it up over 13 years. And 80 hours a week is a lot of missed time. So next time your kids act up, don't send them back to their mother. How does that help? Keep them and deal with the problem.
Lastly, you have to work with your ex. You said you felt you could handle things if ex realized your time was your time (or something like that) and you blew off the person who recommend you compromise by relaxing some of your standards. I think that game plan is obviously not working for you and you don't have much time left.
If I were your ex, and you wanted me to change the way I behaved with my kids (like not allowing them to overeat - very reasonable) then I would want to know how you were going to work with me. If it's your way or no way, then don't bother talking to me. If you really want to work together, let's work together. I'll toughen up (if that's what she needs) if you toughen down. Maybe she actually hates hearing how miserable your children are at your house.
|
1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
|
|
"We make them eat 1 and usually 2 vegetables with lunch and dinner. We DON'T let them eat 2 sandwiches at a time. We make them exercize. We make them read for an hour a day. We regulate what they watch and how long they watch it, we got rid of cable all together because of this."
This part really bugs me. Perhaps provide veggies and healthy food at mealtimes. I don't force food on anyone. It works for us very well. My kids eat all sorts of fruit and veggies by their own choosing. I have healthy things available. If they get hungry, they eat the healthy food. I don't make an issue of it, though.
You only allow them one sandwich. Allow.... Okay. You are having a hungry day and you are allowed only one sandwich. Instead try making healthy filling available for sandwiches. That way, if someone wants 2 sandwiches they can have them. Kids at that age need more food sometimes.
Instead of exercise, take them out to do someting active together as a family.
Based on what you wrote about your kids, no wonder they were unhappy. if someone acted like that to me, I'd be a grump too.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
|
|
Anyway, once boys reach their teens, I think they are better off living with Dad.
----> So in the teen years kids should be split from their siblings and girls should live with mom and boys with dad? I have to say that's probably the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Kids need both parents and all each has to teach them equally.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
|
|
You REQUIRE him to get on the treadmill for an hour. Are you running a bootcamp? Holy crap.
He lost 20 pounds in 5 days. Yes, I'm sure that was healthy for hIS HEART.
Scarfing down an ice cream so your WIFE won't make him throw it away.
Play with them, pay POSITIVE attention to them, go swimming as a family, provide a good example for the limited time you do spend with them.
|
jeg
newbie
Reged: 07/28/05
Posts: 34
|
|
I had a typo somewhere I don't know. He lost 20 pounds over the course of 53 days last summer, not 5. And yes we require him to walk on the treadmill 2 times a day, 30 minutes in the morning and 30 in the afternoon while he watches his movie. Didn't realize that was harsh. We work during the day so yes we tell him to walk on the treadmill just to get some exercise until we get home. They play in the backyard some but if I let them all they would do is watch TV and play video games all day. I don't see how this is being harsh.
We do things all the time as a family, I thought I had said, maybe not, we play basketball 1-2 hours in the evenings when my wife and I get home. The whole thing about the ice cream, first of all she would not have made him throw it away as she did not buy it so therefore it's not really her right and it's a waste of money. We would not let him eat it all in 1 sitting though. I'm sorry if all this sounds hard but kids need guidelines, rules and consistency IMO. Maybe I'm wrong.
As far as the veggie we require them to eat them but we have them stand there as I fix their plate and if it's something they don't like they say "Not much of that please". That's what we've been doing since the counselor suggested it. At that point give them say 3 pieces of squash. I seriously doubt making them eat 3 moon shaped pieces of squash is detrimental to them. Point is they are spoiled and are used to eating McDonalds and all sorts of junk at their moms. They eat 2 sandwiches but it's stuff like that swirled PB&J which is full of sugar. That's not good for them, period. If I thought this wasn't our problem I don't think I would working this hard to correct the issues or pulling my hair out over all.
Anyhow, they are good kids overall, very sensitive and giving a lot of times. They are respectful and have a lot of good qualities. They aren't bad kids and I didn't mean to portray them as such but there are issues that we feel we have to get around and a lot of it stems back to them thinking if they tell their mom something they get results. Weight is a huge issue but it's being enabled by their mom even to some degree when they are at our house because he goes running to mom when he doesn't like something. And yes they were called on the carpet for acting like spoiled brats. When you cry so much over a game or a movie that you make yourself sick that's exactly what it is and that age, I may be wrong, need to be told so. I dunno, maybe I'm going about all this all wrong.
To address another point, I didn't let them go back early or send them back early. Since they are within 100 miles now I get them 30 days. The decree just says 30 days and the mother gets them 1 weekend. Originally we verbally agreed they would stay until the 29th because of that 2 day weekend. Well when the 13yo got upset on the 27th he called his mom and she decided to get them that day stating the decree says 30 days and that was the 30th day. I told her it wasn't a good idea as it only tells the kids they can call mom and complain and she's on their way to take them from dad which undermines everything we've tried to do. I just don't know. Sorry if I don't always explain things like I should. It's not anything like a bootcamp at our house, we are fairly laid back but we have rules and expect them to be followed. Seriously, why is wearing underwear an issue? That's common sense as far as I'm concerned. I picked them up saturday afternoon to stay the night as we had a family get together they wanted to come to. As soon as we got home I had to make them go put underwear and put on deodorant and bruch their teeth, this was at 1:00 in the afternoon. I was supposed to pick them up at 11 but their mom and step-dad didn't wake up until noon. Great examples IMO but maybe I'm wrong.
Focusedon, thanks for the insight and hopefully I addressed some of the points in your post. I didn't mean to act as though I blew off the bit about relaxing some of the rules. But, all in all are they so tough. I don't see them as being so hard. I'll try to list them here and tell where I'm wrong. I'm open minded and came here for help/suggestions so please don't take anything as I'm blowing it off cause I'm trying not to.
Rules:
Brush teeth
Wear Underwear
Wear Deodorant
Eat Veggies with every meal-we usually go out or do something different once a week. They are allowed to get what they want but in moderate portions. We don't allow them to "pig out". they have sugar free jello, fruits, other stuff for snacks just not anything loaded with sugar.
Regulate what and amount of TV/Video Games and yes, during 2 of the movies he chooses to watch he needs to "walk" not run for 30 minutes apiece just so he's doing something other than laying on the couch.
After dinner each night we play basketball, baseball, whatever the kids want to do as long as it's something outside. This lasts anywhere from 1-2 hours.
Go to bed at 10 and get up around 8.
Is that being too harsh? Honestly I felt like most of that would be normal living for most mature, responsible adults.
And yes, every conversation with them and even with their mother I start out with the positive, go to the negative and end on the positive. In management you learn to give ou 10 attaboys with every butt chewing and I why it's should be any different with kids or anyone else.
Edited by jeg (07/02/07 10:15 AM)
|
Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
|
|
JEG, If you value your relationship with your kids and you want to help them, you may have to open the dialog some. Kids of any age need to feel they're being listened to even if they don't ultimately get their way.
If you continually come across as a hard *ss to them, you may just become that macho phys. ed. teacher that only the star football players can stand.
--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
|
jeg
newbie
Reged: 07/28/05
Posts: 34
|
|
Ok, good point. But wouldn't it only come across as being a hard ass because they are accustomed to the laid back style of their mom. I try to listen to them and get them to talk to me. I'm even in the middle of reading the book "How to talk so your kids will listen, How to listen so your kids will talk" There are some great ideas in there that we are trying to incorporate. I'm by no means perfect, we all have room to improve other wise I wouldn't be here asking for the advice of strangers. I will keep trying to keep an open dialogue as that's the only way problems will be solved. Maybe that's the root of the problem and I've just not been paying as much attention to it as I should. I guess getting her to butt out is the easy solution but correcting the reasons they run to her in the first place is the right way to approach it. Even still I'm having a hard time understanding why what we are doing or what we expect is so harsh.
|
agui667
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/23/06
Posts: 4495
|
|
My goodness, you need to calm down a little. I bet if you just relaxed a little your relationship would impove greatly.
|
1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
|
|
I have to be totally honest...you come across pretty harshly.
My X constantly criticized me for everything. That is why we are divorced. I was never perfect enough.
Our son was potty training and a bit of pee splashed outside the toilet, he made our son get down on the floor naked and wipe it up. Sure everyone needs rules, but that was uncalled for. He was not quite 3 years old.
After my son gets out of the bath on hot summer evenings, he prefers to "go commando." I have no problem with it. A lot of men sleep nude or just in a pair of shorts. When he gets ready in the mornings, he gets dressed completely.
You need to pick your battles wisely or else you will drive off your kids.
In your postings you come across as pretty mean towards your kids. After hearing how you talk about them, I can only imagine how much they dislike staying at your house.
|
Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
|
|
Kinda funny, 1004: my college aged son now goes "commando". I only know because there were no undies in the wash over winter or spring break. Seems a little strange to me, but at 21, I think I'll let him make his decision!
--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
[Re: 
Edit
Reply
Quote
