daddyinthed
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I have a ten year old (almost 11) year old daughter with BM. I have her half the time, but according to the state it doesn’t count because I only have about 115 overnights. (I got screwed out of 50/50 when I moved back to MI from Nashville with my parents-I was forced to move there for a few years because I was not working, and they moved there and I had no where to live)
I had arrears I was paying (because BM refused to forgive them), and just recently finished after they took my tax refund. BM demanded I pay her back for half of a school trip my daughter took, I told her she could take it out of my tax refund she stole, but that I was not going to hand her $100 cash when she can’t prove she spends it on my daughter. She went ballistic. She said that that tax refund money was to pay her back (as if I really owed her anything!! She is so entitled!!), not for current expense. She says she will file to increase my child support. It finally went down to $180/month, from $300, I was planning on using the extra money to do things with my daughter.
She just moved in with her boyfriend, won’t that lower my support? Can I get more custody because of that? She got really defensive when I mentioned her boyfriend, so I know she is scared. She makes almost 40 grand a year, plus his income now, she doesn’t need my money at all, and I am barely getting by!!!! And she want’s MORE?????
What are my chances that the court will see her boyfriend moving in right when my arrears are paid, and then filing for support she doesn’t need as the money grab it is? I am fine with supporting my daughter, but I WILL NOT SUPPORT HIM. All she cares about is money, I wish I could get custody, but they took my 50% away when I moved and would not give it back to me, i am an involved dad!!
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Debi
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Her boyfriends income has nothing to do with the support you owe. It's not his obligation to support your child. That honor belongs to you and her mother. Now if he chooses to help his girlfriend pay the bills that is his right, but it's not an obligation and if they split his help would be over.
There is nothing fishy about him moving in right after the arrears were paid off because you'd have had to pay them no matter what . This is CS not alimony and it's not modifiable or is your obligation cancelled because she is cohabitating.
Also You don't have the child half the time....you have her about 3.5 months and it's unlikely you will get more time simply because her boyfriend lives there.
Whether or not she can get more support depends only on your income or on yours and hers depending on the laws in TN. If your income has gone up since CS was ordered then you will likely owe more if she takes your to court. If not then it won't.
I will tell you a story about a friend of mine who wanted her x to pay half of their child's braces. He refused and she took him to court for it. The judge not only ordered him to pay half the braces he upped the support from 100.00 a month (it was a 12 yo order) to 400 a month. She wasn't even asking for more support, so be careful which hill you're willing to die on. Figure it out carefully using a CS calculator. If giving her 100 bucks is cheaper than the next several years of higher CS, then I'd fork out the 100.
I have in the past forgiven arrears but that's because I know my daughters dad would help pay for extra activities like dance or an expensive field trip if I asked him. You sound very bitter in accusing your x of "stealing" your tax return. She didn't steal it, you owed it. A good rule of thumb is to always love your child more than you hate your x.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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daddyinthed
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No, we live in MI now. She offered $350 to not go to court, but I shouldn't have to pay her anything, really. I do have her half the time, she took away my 50% custody because I was forced to move away!
I was on unemployment, and owed arrears when they figured support. I should not have to pay more that I can;t afford if she makes enough to suport my kid. She threatened to get mne arrested and i had to buy my daughter a plane ticket for visitation when I lived in TN.
she's bipolar, and has posted to craigslist casual encounters! I even brought pictures when we went to court.
She scheduled her dance classes on my "evening" (not overnight) and then asked me to help pay!!! How fair is that.
the calculator I used [censored]://[censored].miestimator.com/ says I shoudl only pay 131 (incomes of 2100 net and 1100 net), and she wants 350!!!
I should not have to pay for daycare (why she wants more) because she works too much.
Edited by daddyinthed (04/09/13 08:16 PM)
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youngatheart
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Are you making minimum wage? Because $131 isn't crap to help raise a kid with.
If you moved away, you SHOULD have paid 100% for your child to visit you. If you moved away, you SHOULD have had 50% custody removed. Seriously...how can you exercise 50% of the time when you live out of state?
Your Ex's boyfriend has zero affect on the amount you owe to support your child, nor should it. This is YOUR child.
You SHOULD be paying a percentage of daycare. You SHOULD be paying a percentage of medical and dental insurance. You SHOULD be paying a percentage of medical and dental bills on top of insurance.
One would hope that you would be happy, as a parent, to take part in your child's activities/life, but hey, you can't force a parent to be interested. *shrug*
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daddyinthed
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If she signs her up for stuff, she should sign her up on her own time. she convinced m y daughter to take the class that was only offered on my night. she wants to use me as a babysitter!!
Last month she called and insisted I take a day off because she wasn't willing to take another sick day at work when my daughter was sick. what kind of mother is that?
I would be happy to stay home with my daughter, but her mother is entitled and tells me what to do.
It wasn;t my fault I moved away, I had lost my job, and my parents moved, and I had nowhere to go. Even though I can pick her up from school (which should give me primary!), she fought and took way my 50%.
I should not have to pay her money for her to get her boyfriend things, especially if he is supporting her now by paying rent etc.
Edited by daddyinthed (04/09/13 08:42 PM)
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daddyinthed
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why should I have to pay MORE support because I make less than her and she has more time? That makes no sense.
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youngatheart
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You might seriously want to look into some therapy. You seem to have a lot of misplaced anger at your ex, and it appears, even on a message board, to be affecting the kind of parent you are to your child.
>>>Last month she called and insisted I take a day off because she wasn't willing to take another sick day at work when my daughter was sick. what kind of mother is that?<<<
A mother who is 90% supporting her child, and needs to earn a living to do so since the child's father isn't willing to do so?
>>>It wasn;t my fault I moved away, I had lost my job, and my parents moved, and I had nowhere to go. Even though I can pick her up from school (which should give me primary!), she fought and took way my 50%.<<<
You moved away, it is impossible to maintain 50% custody in another state. Being able to pick up from school should not, necessarily, give you primary. Specifically if there is instability in your household, which it seems there is.
>>>I should not have to pay her money for her to get her boyfriend things, especially if he is supporting her now by paying rent etc.<<<
And this is where your issues show. How much do you think it takes to support a child? Because I guarantee you that she isn't supporting a child on $181 per month and then having extra left over to buy whatever for her boyfriend. As for her boyfriend paying rent for her (and I doubt you know who is paying what in their household), isn't that what your parents were doing for you?
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daddyinthed
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my household is very stable. More stable than someone who is bipolar and "living with' a boyfriend.
I help my disabled father. Is that a crime?
If he's not paying rent, than she's supporting him, and I should not have to support her if thats whats going on.
If she wants to be a [censored], she can post more on craigslist, like she did when we were married.
Everyone I talk to says to take her to court to reduce my support because of this.
the calculator I used says I should be paying 131 (even though she doesn't really need it, she got by fine when I was not paying)
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youngatheart
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>>> why should I have to pay MORE support because I make less than her and she has more time? That makes no sense.<<<
You making less than her doesn't mean that you should pay more. Her having the child more of the time DOES mean that you should pay support. BOTH of you should be supporting your child.
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daddyinthed
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I do support her! I have her half the actual time!!
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youngatheart
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>>>my household is very stable. More stable than someone who is bipolar and "living with' a boyfriend.<<<
Having to move away from your child because you cannot keep a roof over your head is not stability. Not being able to provide less than $200 a month to support your child is not stability.
>>>If he's not paying rent, than she's supporting him, and I should not have to support her if thats whats going on.<<<
Actually, those aren't the only options. They could be splitting the cost of the home/bills, as most people who live together (married or not) do.
>>>If she wants to be a [censored], she can post more on craigslist, like she did when we were married.<<<
Again, therapy would be a good choice.
>>>Everyone I talk to says to take her to court to reduce my support because of this.<<<
Like the other poster said, make sure you have your ducks in a row. You will most likely be ordered to pay a percentage of childcare. You will most likely be ordered to pay a percentage of medical insurance & co-pays/deductible. And you could be ordered to pay part of extra-curriculars.
the calculator I used says I should be paying 131 (even though she doesn't really need it, she got by fine when I was not paying)
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youngatheart
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with your 115 overnights? Okay.
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daddyinthed
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she gets insurance free through work? why should I pay anything if she gets it free??
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daddyinthed
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I had 50% of overnights before she took it away!!
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finz
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[quote]Last month she called and insisted I take a day off because she wasn't willing to take another sick day at work when my daughter was sick. what kind of mother is that?
[/quote]
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Sounds like a responsible mother who wants to do well in her career so that she can support her daughter.
Have you been taking care of your daughter more than half of the days she has been out of school due to illness ?
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youngatheart
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It is VERY rare to get 100% of one's insurance covered through work. Okay, then. If she pays $0 for insurance then you would still be liable for a percentage of copays and deductibles. I bet she pays a portion of the premium, though, and it is paid through payroll deduction.
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daddyinthed
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If it's on my watch, sure. I shouldn't have to on her days.
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youngatheart
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You had 50% before you moved away from your child.
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daddyinthed
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she says she pays nothing, she works for an insurance company (her mom got her the job, i'm not so lucky)
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daddyinthed
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I had to move! I had no choice!
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finz
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[quote]If she signs her up for stuff, she should sign her up on her own time. she convinced m y daughter to take the class that was only offered on my night. she wants to use me as a babysitter!!
[/quote]
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It's called PARENTING, not babysitting.
I agree that a custodial parent shouldn't regularly sign a child up for activities that occur during the NCP's time. If you daughter had expressed no interest in this type of dancing, then I'd be a bit perturbed too. If your daughter is really interested in this and this is the only time the class is offered, then a good parent would consider the child's wants and needs.
Two reasonable parents would understand that there might be a few occassions where that scheduling on the NCP's time has to happen. Compromise and the ability to be flexible about changing times are important.
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daddyinthed
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why should I be flexible? she took away my custody!
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annieo
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Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I call troll.....
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daddyinthed
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[censored]://[censored].youtube.com/watch?v=aktLRiWXfqg
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youngatheart
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What was your schedule before you moved away from your child? How long were you in another state? How did you move back?
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daddyinthed
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I had 50/50. I was in TN for 4 years, moved back 2 years ago. She lied and said she wold agree to 50/50 when I came back.
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youngatheart
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What was your schedule before you moved away?
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finz
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[quote]why should I have to pay MORE support because I make less than her and she has more time? That makes no sense. [/quote]
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Ugh. You just aren't getting it.
You shouldn't pay more BECAUSE you make less. You should pay more if your salary is more, and less if your salary is less. A certain percentage of your salary should go to supporting the children you make.
I think some CP's get totally screwed by having an ex who is intentionally underemployed or refuses to send CS. Some CP's and NCP's BOTH suffer and have to carry a heavier load, as do the kids, when one is unintentionally unemployed or underemployed. Arrears SHOULD still accrue to pay back the CP who probably overextended themselves. Some kids get really screwed when the NCP sends a reasonable amount, but a lazy CP uses it more for their own support. Some NCP's really get screwed when they make a very large salary and send very large CS checks for far more than is used to raise the kids and allow a lazy CP to live a more lavish lifestyle than they should.......You are NOT one of them. You owed money, you've finally paid up, keep paying what you owe.
If she makes more than you, and you actually havd true 50/50 custody with you as the residential parent, she'd be paying you. It sounds like your earlier job loss and need to move cost you that 50/50. That sucks for you, but it's not your ex's or your dd's fault. The costs of her health care, food, clothing, shelter, etc didn't decrease because you lost your job. Your anger over the arrears YOU let build up isn't helping you now in dealing with your ex or your dd.
If you want to chase around fighting for primary custody to get out of paying (that seems to be the primary motive you refer to or imply here, not getting back to spending more time with your dd).....get a lawyer, prepare to spend A LOT of money, and go for it.
If I was a judge, I would laugh at a NCP who tried to have a CP declared unfit because they are bipolar and have had a love life.......when that NCP left the child in the care of that CP and moved out of state. Personally, I am against exposing children to sex outside of marriage/live in relationships because of our values and religious beliefs. Many have different values. Is your ex an exgirlfriend or exwife ? If she's an exgirlfriend, I think it's ridiculous to complain about her new boyfriend moving in (as long as he's not a danger to your dd). If you don't have a no cohabitation clause in your CO, I'd forget that fight.
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finz
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[quote]why should I be flexible? she took away my custody! [/quote]
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She held a gun to your head and MADE you move out of state ?
YOU sacrificed your custody arrangement when you MOVED.
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daddyinthed
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she is my ex wife. we had a no-cohabitation clause, but she says that since I have had live-in girlfriends for short periods, and he has stayed over on the weekends for years, and i never filed about it, it would just get thrown out.
Is she wrong? should I bring this up if she takes me to court?
Edited by daddyinthed (04/09/13 10:23 PM)
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finz
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[quote]my household is very stable. More stable than someone who is bipolar and "living with' a boyfriend.
I help my disabled father. Is that a crime?
If he's not paying rent, than she's supporting him, and I should not have to support her if thats whats going on.
If she wants to be a [censored], she can post more on craigslist, like she did when we were married.
Everyone I talk to says to take her to court to reduce my support because of this.
the calculator I used says I should be paying 131 (even though she doesn't really need it, she got by fine when I was not paying) [/quote]
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Are you kidding ?
You are saying you KNEW that she was up to behavior that you believe makes her unfit......and you left your child ALONE with her while you moved out of state ?
That would make YOU more mentally unstable then you claim she is.
Dude, wake up
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finz
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[quote]If it's on my watch, sure. I shouldn't have to on her days. [/quote]
Try approximating......How many days have you had to call into work for a sick child and how many has she over the years ? If you claim to have 50/50 time, those numbers should be pretty close.......unless you have more weekends/fun time and leave school issues to your ex OR if your dd bizarrely only gets ill certain days of the week.
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daddyinthed
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I divorced her because of the stuff on craigslist. I wanted to take my daughter with me when I had to move, but she didn't let me.
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finz
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[quote]she is my ex wife. we had a no-cohabitation clause, but she says that since I have had live-in girlfriends for short periods, and he has stayed over on the weekends for years, and i never filed about it, it would just get thrown out.
Is she wrong? should I bring this up if she takes me to court? [/quote]
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Are you kidding ?
You've already shacked up (shout out to Avaya who has unofficially trademarked that term here) and now you are whining because she is going to ?
Only a complete moron, who enjoys throwing away money, would go to court under those circumstances.
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finz
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[quote]I divorced her because of the stuff on craigslist. I wanted to take my daughter with me when I had to move, but she didn't let me. [/quote]
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She didn't let you ? Or the court didn't let you ?
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daddyinthed
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she says she is going to file if i won;t settle with her for twice what I am paying!
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daddyinthed
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I had to move, and did not have time to go to court. she decided to change where she was going to kindergarten at the last minute from the district I lived in to the one that wasnt as good where she lived (why I got residential). It would have been the same if she had stayed with me when I moved, and she should have because I had residential!!!!
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youngatheart
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It's pretty simple. Child support is based upon a formula. They will use her salary (ONLY hers, not her boyfriend) and your salary (imputed if you are unemployed or underemployed), number of overnights, medical/dental insurance, daycare, etc. If you think you'll pay less, then let her take you to court. If the child is in daycare, I DOUBT you will be paying less than $200 per month.
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youngatheart
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You moved. You should NOT have been permitted to move the child with you. If you want to move away from your child (and yes, it is a choice), then go for it. What one should not be allowed to do is move a child from their other, involved, parent.
Sounds like things worked out as they should have.
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Goodmom
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Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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You said:
my household is very stable. More stable than someone who is bipolar
My response:
Funny, you don't come across as stable.
You said:
and "living with' a boyfriend.
My response:
So?
You said:
I help my disabled father. Is that a crime?
My response:
No, but it does not relieve you of your obligation to help financially support your child. Even if what you are paying is peanuts. To be honest, your support SHOULD be increased. $181 really isn't that much given how expensive kids are.
You said:
If he's not paying rent, than she's supporting him,
My response:
Not on $181 (or even $350 a month)a month, she's not.
You said:
and I should not have to support her if thats whats going on.
My response:
Then it's a good thing that you aren't paying spousal support.
You said:
If she wants to be a [censored], she can post more on craigslist, like she did when we were married.
My response:
I can see why she would want an escape from you.
You said:
Everyone I talk to says to take her to court to reduce my support because of this.
My response:
Who is everyone? Because a decent attorney (who would be part of everyone) would tell you that your ex's bf has no bearing whatsoever on child support calculations. If I were you, I would select better "everyone" to hang out with.
You said:
the calculator I used says I should be paying 131 (even though she doesn't really need it, she got by fine when I was not paying)
My response:
And just what income were you using when plugging in the numbers? Remember, the court does have the ability to impute income to you based on your earnings history and if you are unemployed, you just may find this out. And caring for a disabled father isn't going to cut it as a reason to not have income imputed to you.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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[quote]she gets insurance free through work? why should I pay anything if she gets it free?? [/quote]
If it's free, then there are no insurance premiums to split. Just the medical costs that aren't covered by insurance.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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You said:
She scheduled her dance classes on my "evening" (not overnight) and then asked me to help pay!!! How fair is that.
My response:
Whether you have to pay or not is going to be determined by what is in your court order.
You said:
the calculator I used [censored]://[censored].miestimator.com/ says I shoudl only pay 131 (incomes of 2100 net and 1100 net), and she wants 350!!!
My response:
During my divorce, I found the online calculators to be very inaccurate. And you are probably assuming that they use net. Or if they use net, they go by what you elect to withhold from your check. In NJ, they have the IRS tax withholding tables and determine what the withholding is. Eliminates the issue of someone increasing their tax withholding to reduce their support.
You said:
I should not have to pay for daycare (why she wants more) because she works too much.
My response:
My ex's attorney, in chambers with the judge and my attorney, tried to use that argument. You know what the judge told her? Fine, then he can pay her spousal support so she can stay home and take care of the kids. His attorney shut up after that.
You are going to be paying a portion of work related childcare costs. As you should.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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[quote]I had 50% of overnights before she took it away!! [/quote]
No, she didn't. YOU did. How? You MOVED.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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[quote]If it's on my watch, sure. I shouldn't have to on her days. [/quote]
You really should have as little time as possible with your child. You clearly aren't interested in parenting.
Most guys (and moms) would jump at the opportunity for more time with their child.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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[quote]why should I be flexible? she took away my custody! [/quote]
No, she didn't. YOU did by moving.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
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Posts: 2018
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[quote] I had to move, and did not have time to go to court. she decided to change where she was going to kindergarten at the last minute from the district I lived in to the one that wasnt as good where she lived (why I got residential). It would have been the same if she had stayed with me when I moved, and she should have because I had residential!!!! [/quote]
I have residential. Should I decide to move to a different state and my ex protests the move (as he should), chances are I will have to either stay where I am or become the NCP. You chose to move away. You may or may not have won a court case, but you left before going to court. When you moved out of state, your child was no longer able to go to school in that district. Her mother did the responsible thing and enrolled her in the school district that she was eligible to attend.
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MinnesotaMom
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Ignore this poster. They can't be for real.
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gr8Dad
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Actually, you might want to consider that he lives close to a state line, and moved JUST the other side of it. He stated that had Mom NOT changed the child's school, the child would still be in the same district. Sounds like he moved a short distance, across a state line.
Also, a few other things (for the other posters, not you), if you become unemployed, and have the opportunity to work in another state, and CSE is threatening to put you in JAIL for not paying support, YES< it CAN feel like you have a gun to your head. As for splitting INSURANCE PREMIUMS< that RARELY happens.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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youngatheart
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The poster started MI and Nashville, which are several hundred miles apart. I believe he mentioned they live in MI, which does split insurance premiums.
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c_jane
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Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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I can sympathize with this situation REGARDLESS of WHICH parent is paying CS. Do NOT let her take you back to court -- it's practically GUARANTEED your CS will be upped.
Yes, most CP's know they've got a 'cash cow' in hand and milk it for all it's worth. Before I got my CS cancelled just this past February (my son is 16 and Father of the Year has had custody all this time) I figured I had paid out over $120K in support of FOTY's family. In essence, I was actively supporting TWO families because it does NOT take almost $1K/month to raise a child. Luckily I have a degree and profession that I could do that & still afford a house & car, etc.
Unfortunately, even $130/month sounds low to me though. As someone else said, pick the hill you want to die on very carefully.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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ssmom79
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Yes, most CP's know they've got a 'cash cow' in hand and milk it for all it's worth.
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EH, I'm sure "MOST" is grossly overstated but it is true, I've seen it treated that way.
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