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meandmygirl12
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I don't want him around anymore
      #206300 - 03/05/07 12:37 PM

Hi everyone, my friend told me about this site. I got divorced last September from a man I just couldn't get along with, not to mention he cheated twice. We have a 12 year old girl. I met a man in December and we have decided to get married this month. I know it's a short time, but we got to know each other very quickly, plus a friend of mine knew him before. My daughter and this man get along alright, and he's really good to her.

The problem is, I think we would all be better off if her dad didn't come around anymore. I think it is too confusing for my daughter to have 2 dads. He's not a great dad and that's the main reason I don't want him around her. He won't ever let her go out with her friends the weekends he has her. I mean she's 12 years old, she's got a life. And he keeps bringing her down about her grades. She tries really hard and has only once gotten a D on a test. But whenever she makes below a B, he tells her how lazy she's being and that she needs to do better. It really hurts her. He's pretty much called her stupid before and that really hurts her self-image.

So my question is, what is involved in trying to get sole custody with no visitation? Is it possible? And would her dad have to agree to let my fiance' adopt her someday or could a court decide that? Thank you for any suggestions.


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Gecko
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WTF?!? [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206304 - 03/05/07 12:42 PM

TROLL!

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Avaya
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206306 - 03/05/07 12:44 PM

Girl, please don't even go there. Your daughter Needs her father - HER father, not some guy you marry after 3 months. She's 12 and 'she has a life' which includes needing to go out with friends more than twice a month? 12 year olds DON'T NEED a life, IMO. Not one like that. This is the man YOU picked to father your child so if he's lacking, too bad, he's still her father. You will NOT be doing her any favors by 1) marrying this new guy, nor 2) by trying to cut her daddy out of her life.

If you think a 12 year old girl will be confused by having two daddys (which is absurd because you can marry 10 times and she will STILL only have ONE daddy), then maybe you should give him custody so that she can concentrate on the real daddy.

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katiefedup
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206309 - 03/05/07 12:49 PM

idiot

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: Avaya]
      #206312 - 03/05/07 12:50 PM

I understand where you're coming from, thank you for the advice. I just feel like her new step dad will be a better father to her. I want what's best for her and I would never hurt her. I have considered giving her father custody but I would miss her so bad and I really don't think he would be good for her. What do you think I should do? Should I give him a sort of "trial period" custody thing and see how it goes? It could be best I guess.

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: katiefedup]
      #206313 - 03/05/07 12:51 PM

There is no need to call me names. I came here for advice I get called names. Thanks.

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katiefedup
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206314 - 03/05/07 12:56 PM

dad are not like shoes where if you find a better fit..out with the old and in with the new. By the way dear, she doesn't have a new dad! Grow up

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: katiefedup]
      #206315 - 03/05/07 12:58 PM

Where did I say she had a new dad?

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katiefedup
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206316 - 03/05/07 12:58 PM

First you want for your boyfriend to adopt her NOW you want the birth father to have a trial period at custody. Is it a school holiday, or are you just home sick today?

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katiefedup
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206317 - 03/05/07 12:59 PM

just feel like her new step dad will be a better father to her

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: katiefedup]
      #206318 - 03/05/07 01:00 PM

Excuse me?? What is THAT supposed to mean, "am I home sick today or is it a school holiday"? If you're saying I'm immature, that is far from the truth. I amvery mature and I am a very good mother. I'm saying that someone said that I shoud give her father custody, so I was asking about that possibility! Read before you type...

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206319 - 03/05/07 01:01 PM

I said new "STEP" dad, not new DAD

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katiefedup
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206320 - 03/05/07 01:05 PM

why would you even consider entertaining revering custody to an ill equipted father? My dear, you have a lot to learn. Unfortunatly you have a daughter that you are going to take down with you. Let me get this right....you are going to marry someone after knowing them 6 months at best...Lord get me a drink`

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Debi
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206323 - 03/05/07 01:06 PM

First of all I'm not trying to be mean but you picked her dad when you got pregnant. You don't get to say "This one stinks, I want a do over". By the sound of it it he is an involved paret.....you just don't like the way he parents and judges don't give sole custody simply for different parenting styles.

I would certainly tell you NOT to pusue this for more reasons than one. Your daughter is 12, she knows who her dad is and she will NOT be confused. There is no reason she can't love her soon to be step dad but he's NOT her father and her father is not out of the picture. Second if you try to obtain sole custody (which is next to impossible to do. Take it from someone who's x is a child sex offender) he is very likely to countersue for the same thing. Your life and very fast cohabitation, engagement and impending marriage will be under scrutiny. Seeing as how you've been divorced barely 6 months your time would be better spent figuring out how to co-parent with your x rather than trying to get him out of his daughters life.

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MominNY
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: katiefedup]
      #206700 - 03/06/07 08:20 AM

It sounds like maybe your anger towards your ex may be skewing your vision of what is best for your daughter? I would work her social life around his weekends. He may just want the time to spend with her because he doesnít have other time. And if you try to convince you're your daughter that she has a crummy father, you're daughter will resent you for it. You don't have a chance at cutting off his visitation legally. Your new husband cannot adopt your daughter without full co-operation from the father. Just keep in mind that your new husband can be the great stepfather, while dad can still be in the picture. My 10-year-old has a dad and a stepfather. His stepfather is a great man that is the father figure my son has been needing (just my opinion), but I also respect that his dad needs to be a part of his life. Youíre lucky (believe it or not), my ex needs constant encouragement to have a small active role in my sonís life. You could always try a non-confrontational conversation with your ex (without your new husband) to talk about issues you might have.

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madalex
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: MominNY]
      #206715 - 03/06/07 09:49 AM

You got divorced in September, ending what was at least a 12 year relationship (given the age of oyur daughter) and now want to get married again 6 months later after dating the guy for only 3 months? That is just ridiculous. Slow down, take some time to heal from the end of your marriage and to allow you and your daughter to adjust to your new situation. If you really love this guy and he really loves you, then waiting a year to get married isn't going to hurt anybody.

As to trying to deny your daughter acces to her father, I agree with what many others have said: that is a really bad idea.


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Gecko
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206745 - 03/06/07 11:36 AM

I said new "STEP" dad, not new DAD

---> Oh puh-leeeeeeeze...how blind do you think we are? You did NOT say "step" Dad:

"The problem is, I think we would all be better off if her dad didn't come around anymore. I think it is too confusing for my daughter to have 2 dads."

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: Gecko]
      #206769 - 03/06/07 12:29 PM

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. But gecko, you could be a little more helpful. And the part that the woman was referring to, I did say "step" dad. I guess he does just want the weekends with my daughter, and I guess that's ok. I just think it will be confusing for her, but maybe she'll be ok. If not, maybe it is best to let her dad have custody.

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M5M5
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206783 - 03/06/07 01:04 PM

Trust me, it will not be confusing to a 12 yr old girl. She is almost a teenager and I think you need to give her more credit than you do. I doubt she is stupid. My stepkids have had a step father in their life for the past 7 years almost...they are now 15, 13 and 11 yrs old. They always knew WHO their daddy was and who their sf was.

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asurvivor
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206795 - 03/06/07 01:54 PM

Let me get this straight:

You think it will be confusing for a 12 year old girl, who has had her father in her life for 12 years, to understand that once you get married she will have a step father!

OH PLLLEEEAASSSEEE! I think it would be more confusing for her to have her mother marry a man she's known all of 3 months but your worried about her being confused about a step parent in the picture!


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Gecko
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206801 - 03/06/07 02:02 PM

The ONLY thing that is "confusing" here is your post.

First you want Dad out of the child's life because having two "dads" would be confusing. Easily solution...don't get remarried and then she won't have two "dads".

Then you say that he's not a "great father" because he what...refuses to give up his Parenting Time, he won't let his 12-year old daughter run around and he keeps on her about her grades. Wow...you're right, he's just a BAD father and should have his parental rights terminated (that's sarcasm).

NOW you're thinking that may HE should have custody. Huh? Why on earth would you want to give custody to someone who you claiming in a lousy father and human being?

Actually...it's not all that confusing, we see this kind of shyt all the time here. Mom and Dad get divorced...one or both shack up with the first piece of ass that comes along and now the former spouse and/or child(ren) is an "inconvenience/embarrassment" to their NEW "happy little family" and needs to go. In your particular case, if you can't get rid of Dad so you can replace him with your new husband, just get rid of the child and then you and hew hubby can have a child and have your "happy little family".

So my "help"...give custody of the child to your ex, she'll be better off without a Mom like you.

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meandmygirl12
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: Gecko]
      #206809 - 03/06/07 02:20 PM

I'm a wonferful mother and my child isn't an embarrassment. Would a bad mother offer her ex custody? Because that's what I did this afternoon. He said he would think on it for a week or 2 and get back with me. I will miss my daughter but this way she won't have to be around her new step dad. I will see my daughter AT LEAST every other weekend, so it's not like I won't have a relationship with her. I'll keep you posted.

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BlendedFamily
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206811 - 03/06/07 02:25 PM

Wow.. that's amazing. A BM offers custody of child to BF and the BF has to think about it!!!!!

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-Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was- Margo Kaufman


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agui667
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206812 - 03/06/07 02:26 PM

Troll...This can't be for real, can it?

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BlendedFamily
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: agui667]
      #206813 - 03/06/07 02:27 PM

You would hope that this isn't for real! If it is, I really feel sorry for that lil girl or should I say tween!

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-Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was- Margo Kaufman


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M5M5
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206815 - 03/06/07 02:30 PM

uh why would you not want her around a SF (when he becomes her SF)? That makes NO sense! And if you marry the guy and you get your daughter EOW...where is the SF gonna go while you have her? Or do you plan on spending your time with her in a hotel?

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Gecko
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: BlendedFamily]
      #206819 - 03/06/07 02:44 PM

Wow.. that's amazing. A BM offers custody of child to BF and the BF has to think about it!!!!!

---> Why? It's called...thinking about what is best for the child.

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Gecko
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206821 - 03/06/07 02:48 PM

Would a bad mother offer her ex custody?

---> Yes.

I will miss my daughter but this way she won't have to be around her new step dad.

---> Huh? So NOW you don't want child...who gets along with your fiance and who is good to her...be be around him?

---> Man...the shyt just keeps getting deeper and deeper!

---> Why don't you just admit that the child is cramping your style and be don't with it?!?

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BlendedFamily
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: Gecko]
      #206825 - 03/06/07 02:53 PM

[quote]Wow.. that's amazing. A BM offers custody of child to BF and the BF has to think about it!!!!!

---> Why? It's called...thinking about what is best for the child. [/quote]

My logic would seem to think if the BF is an active participant in the D's life then he wouldn't even have to think about it.. he would automatically have said "Yes". KWIM?

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-Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was- Margo Kaufman


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MominNY
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: BlendedFamily]
      #206834 - 03/06/07 03:07 PM

I don't understand why you think your 12-yr old would be confused? Seriously. I think she may be confused as to why she's being moved. Also, be prepared, once dad has custody, he has full rights to take you to court for child support.

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Gecko
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: BlendedFamily]
      #206878 - 03/06/07 06:19 PM

My logic would seem to think if the BF is an active participant in the D's life then he wouldn't even have to think about it.. he would automatically have said "Yes". KWIM?

---> When the ex and I switched custody...it was NOT done lightly or without due consideration (thinking about it) because it's NOT about what WE want, it's what's best for the kids and changing custody is NOT always "best".

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dawnnaw2004
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: MominNY]
      #206880 - 03/06/07 06:24 PM

I have to say, the original post to this stream did seem a bit strange. Then it got even more strange as the dialog has gone on.

First, let me say you sound like a concerned mother that really needs help. Not just about your legal rights whether you have custody or not, but also with your mental health. I think you and daughter would both benefit by seeing a couselor or maybe a psychologist. Just from the outside looking in, and of course soley based on the posts here, I feel you really need learn how to seperate your divorce related animosities from your concern for your daughter.

Second, being a strict parent, which it sounds like you were trying to say is not against the law and really isn't harmful to the child in the eyes of the law. For every parent out there that feels their ex is too strict there is another one who feels their ex is too lenient. (I think that is how it is spelled.) Me? I think my ex is too lax with our children but just because he is trying to be their best friend rather than their father I am not going to contemplate taking the visitations from my children. That is one thing you have to keep in mind. These are not your ex's visitations. They are your daughter's. For you to act like this is something you "allow" your ex to do is extremely selfish.

Third, about your fiance. Experts say you should wait atleast three years before you remarry. That is not to say that life doesn't happen and things are guarenteed to be disasterous if you don't adhere to this. But, after reading the posts, I get the feeling that you really aren't sure about moving forward in this direction at this particular time. I think professionals came up with the time of three years to allow parents to come to terms with their divorces emotionally and they are not still stuck in the emotional chaos that comes naturally with divorce. People make rash dicisions and spanteous errors of judgement when they are still recovering from divorce. It sounds to me like you are in a very confusing state of flux at the moment and I honestly believe you and your whole family would benefit from you just taking the time to let things calm down for awhile.

Fourth, about your daughter being confused about having two dads. I have a step daughter and I have four children I have given birth to from my previous marriage. Believe me, in today's day and age it is a norm for children of all ages to have step parents. There are plenty of people for them to talk to even in their own age ranges. And I have to tell you, it really sounds like you want to control the relationships between your daughter, her father, and your fiance. You can not do that. The only thing you can do is sit back, observe, and be there when she needs someone to talk to. These are her relationships, not yours. The only thing that will really confuse her is if she isn't allowed to develop her own feelings in her relationships in stead of adopting your feelings as her own.

Fifth, Dad has a right to say she can't hang out with her friends. He only gets a limited amount of time with his daughter. If he insists on spending it with her it will not hurt your daughter. In fact, it will have the complete opposite. She may resent it once in a while now, but when she grows up and knows that her father loves her because of the time he insisted they spend together, she will greatly appreciate it.

I am not a professional by any means regarding the things I have discussed, but I am speaking from experience with a total of five children. Please, get post-divrce counseling, encourage your daughter to talk to a couselor as well, but most importantly don't make any rash dicisions that will only make you more miserable in the future.

I really hope I didn't offend you. I think you have gotten enough offensive dialog already. I hope you take what some of us say and really think about the decisions you are making in your life. Being confused about what you think is right at this time is normal. Tossing around ideas is normal too. And I have to say maybe your ex said he would think about taking custody because he wanted to give you time to make sure it was what you really wanted.

As to the last comment by MominNY, no matter what, child support should never be an issue when diciding what is right for the child. It is something to be prepared for but it should not be used as the basis of making a dicision like this regarding your child's best interest.

Thanks for listening,
Dawnna


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preemiemom
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Re: I don't want him around anymore [Re: meandmygirl12]
      #206907 - 03/06/07 08:26 PM

Just a personal suggestion... until you have your issues with your ex, custody, visitation and how you all work together, I wouldn't even contemplate marrying someone else.

Just for you, from a woman's standpoint, it's not an emotionally healthy thing for you to do, particularly when you have a lot of unfinished business in your previous relationship.

I married a man almost 3 years after his divorce, and he had a child. One would have thought after that amount of time, they'd have some semblance of closure, but they did not.. Or he did not... Or maybe she did not either. Who knows.

Anyway, what started out as an idyllic relationship (and was quite a bit longer than yours sounds like it is here), went to [censored] pretty darn quick when all the baggage started arriving on the metaphorical carousel of life. Now we have a 1 year old ourselves and are now divorcing.

Take some time, slow down.... if the guy loves you and wants to be with you, he'll understand and wait until you're in a better place.

As for "x"ing your ex out of the picture. You're not THAT far out of your divorce and being newly separated myself, I can relate to having that feeling, and have to remind myself that regardless of whatever my stbx did to me, as a wife, or even to his daughter, as a father, in making the choices that he did... that she's still got his dna, he does love her... he's just incapable of being a mature, responsible partner in a relationship. However, he is a caring father (do I agree with all his philosophies or parenting traits? NO, but then he doesn't agree with 100% of mine either).

Now, if he ever puts her in position to hurt her emotionally or physically, I'll be all over that like white on rice... but until then, he is her family, as much as I am, and whatever my issues are with him as a man, I have to separate them from my feelings as a woman.

Okay... thanks to all here that beat that into MY head... and typing it here was as much a message to you as it was a reminder to myself :)


PS: I strongly recommend counseling as well. I am in the process of locating one for myself for my situation and dealing with my resentments towards my stbx so they don't affect our daughter going forward. Divorces can be hard on self-esteem.. Sounds like your self-esteem tank might be a little low.. god knows I can relate to that! Counseling might help you see things more clearly going forward.


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