supermansdaisy
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Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 658
Loc: SC
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I have a recurring problem. My ex always insists on having the kids' big birthday parties on his time. They send out the invitations well ahead to all the kids' friends. Every year I have a family party for them on my time.
However, the kids now call my party "Little" and the exes party "real".
I know birthdays are all about the kids, but it upsets me to miss out on the excitement of planning/having a fun kids party.
Anyone else have this problem?
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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Let him have the "party," and you have an "event."
I don't know what there is in your state, but what I mean by this is that you take the child and a friend to a waterpark for the day. Or maybe an overnighter someplace.
The events would be completely different so there would be no comparisons.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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However, the kids now call my party "Little" and the exes party "real".
---> I would tell the kids that since your party is not "real", then they won't miss it.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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supermansdaisy
addict
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 658
Loc: SC
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I have told the kids that. It just stinks to have to explain it to them. I think they are being told this by SM and BD, actually. A form of brainwashing.
I think the "event" thing is a cool idea.
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PhoenixRising
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Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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Parties are expensive and a lot of work.. It would be great if my ex would host one just once...
I do all the work and he use to show up and let people think; he was hosting it...
So if it is a party at a public place I guess you could just "show up".
Otherwise, I like the other poster's idea. Let him host a party and you host an event...
While I was married, birthdays were never allowed to be a big deal. Now, we have birthday months... Last month was mine. The neighbors gave me a party. The PTA and other parents gave me a party. My students gave me a party... And my friends gave me a party... My ODS pigged out on ice cream cake for weeks and I felt pretty special..
Next month is YDS. Two school moms and I are going split the cost of a Shrek3 movie party (I can't afford it right now on my own). He will have a sleepover party with all the neighborhood kids. And he will have a family party...
I never knew the importance of birthdays and how special they make someone feel.. You should feel free to plan something special for your child.. Any invitees that end up attending more than one of my children's parties know that duplicate gifts are not appropriate...
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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have a bigger party. Or be glad your ex will even DO the party. My ex had ONE party for our daughter when he was trying to show off for his future next wife. When future next wife (who at the time had only been dating him for a couple of months) wore the name badge of the roller skating rink that said "Mary's Mom"....our daughter pitched a biotch fit that "She is NOT my mom and may NOT wear the MOM name tag!!!". Good girl!
Ex also threw a party for our son the first year we were separated. Moms of kids in son's class who were invited reported back to me that ex spent the entire time trying to hit on the hot single moms who wouldn't have anything to do with him. Too Funny!
After those attempts, ex hasn't had any parties for the kids. He barely gives them gifts any more. He can't even remember what movies he's already given, because he keeps repeating himself.
What I don't understand in your post, is why are you letting HIM dictate how birthdays are celebrated? Why don't you just plan what you want to plan ON YOUR TIME...invite who you want to invite. If you plan early enough, it's quite possible some of the same people won't want to make both parties and won't come to ex's if they receive your invitation first. I think you've ALLOWED your parties to become the "little" ones because you've relegated yourself to only family members and let your ex have all of the kid fun. Don't do it. Just plan what you want and the heck with the ex.
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supermansdaisy
addict
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 658
Loc: SC
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The reason I have let it slide is because I don't want the kids' friends and their parents feel uncomfortable or have to choose which party to attend. It also looks a little dumb to have 2 separate parties for the same child. This is something I've struggled with and have let go of for the time being. Sometimes there are so many issues...you have to let some go.
Obviously I do struggle still. They are my biological children...I gave birth to them. The day of their birth is very precious to me.
Birthdays are precious. What I do for each child is have a family party, and also take them out of school 1/2 day to spend one-on-one time with them on their birthday, or the day closest to it that they are staying with me.
Thank you for all comments!! This board helps to provide perspective!!!
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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so your choices are to either enjoy what you do and not let your ex's actions get to you. OR...you beat him to the party and make yours better....stop settling for the family party and throw the kind of bash that you have dreamed of throwing. So what if the kid has two parties. I definitely understand that kids don't NEED two parties, but both parents should be allowed to celebrate in whatever manner they choose and if that means two parties, then so be it.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Forget the "battle of the parties".
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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RNMOM
recently joined
Reged: 04/29/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Florida
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I am going through the exact thing right now so I can relate. We were going to do the party together but of course I end up doing all of the work, planning, and paying for the whole thing. Then he shows up and acts like the hero. So this year her birthday falls on his weekend. So I am letting him plan a party for her than I will have one the weekend before. If it comes to seperate parties then do it. I agree with the other comments. Just do what you feel would be special. I think that's what they will remember more when they get older. Those are the memories that will last. I don't think it should be about how big or how much was spent but how SPECIAL they felt.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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There are all kinds of parties. They don't have to be big affairs for kids to enjoy them.
Have a few of the child's closest friends spend the night. Order the family feast at the local pizza place. If the child is a girl (you didn't mention their ages or sex), have someone come over and do a make-over. Girls like that sort of stuff. Or take them out and get their nails done.
Next day do the water park or whatever is in your area. My guess is that your kids will have a lot more fun than at the "real" party.
For a boy, take them to Blockbuster and let them rent out the movies and games they want instead of their nails.
Let the ex have the big deal. Your kids will remember the personal touches a lot more.
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JenniferM
journeyman
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 81
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Which state do you live in. My kids love road trips. Go somewhere special. Also, Here in Florida, I have taken my kids and a friend a peice to Disney for the last two years in between their bday. They love it.
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RNMOM
recently joined
Reged: 04/29/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Florida
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I am in Florida about 3.5 hours away from Disney. My duaghter is 3. I am not worrying about her party. I have other issues with the ex I have to deal with.
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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I deal with this too... but it's the SM (who my daughter can't stand) that does this....... Same thing.... plans it weeks before the real thing... sends out invites.. etc.
This year.. I decided to beat her too it.... (bday in Aug). I said.. J, I know you like to have her parties and G is getting to the age that having two is nuts. So, I would like to go in with you and have it together. You are such the baker, so you as always you do the cake... I love doing invites, so I will do those. We can have it at "your" place so that the kids can swim and we will split the costs in half...........
SO.. this year... we are doing it together..... we've done one other before together... (about 4 years ago)... and it turned out fine.....
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1755
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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WOW!! Deja vu!! I live this every year. Ex- & I live in the same subdivision. Because of visitation, Ex- & SM ALWAYS have son the weekend before his b'day; I always have him the weekend of/after. EVERY YEAR, Ex- & SM invite his entire class, his entire Boy Scout troup, his entire Sunday School Class, and his entire neighborhood to a MASSIVE blowout. One year they bragged to me that they had 42 kids there!!! I have a very small family with only 3 kids that get invited to 'my' b'day parties. Since we live in the same subdivision, there is no one left to invite to 'my' parties.
I solved it by asking Son which kids he wanted to invite to 'my' party too, and then just inviting them. I put on the invitation that if they already attended son's b'day with his Dad, we didn't expect additional presents. Most bring him some little something anyway. Or I talk to the parents & explain how I want to have a 'friends' b'day party too, but there's no one left to invite by the time Ex/SM get done. Or I'll ask son who did they invite but DIDN'T get to come & we'll invite those kids. Parents are very understanding & my son just wants his friends there to share in TWO b'day parties. He just turned 10, so he understands about the limited presents thing too. But like I said, most kids will bring him a little something anyway.
This year, however, we got a pop up camper & begin camping. Son wanted a camping b'day so he picked 5 boys to invite & I took them camping overnight at a nearby state park. We had a blast & now THOSE boys are saying they want to wait for the party I (!!) have cuz it's the most fun!
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
Edited by c_jane (04/30/07 09:49 PM)
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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Of course... but if it was a man posting this... you would claim PAS.... >roll eyes<
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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just that she shouldn't let HIS plans ruin what SHE would like to do for the child's special celebration with her.
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gr8Dad
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Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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"When future next wife (who at the time had only been dating him for a couple of months) wore the name badge of the roller skating rink that said "Mary's Mom"....our daughter pitched a biotch fit that "She is NOT my mom and may NOT wear the MOM name tag!!!". Good girl!"
Sure, she should have worn a badge that said, "Mary's Dad's girlfriend, who is doing "Mom-like" stuff for Mary"
Perhaps not everyone likes explaining difficult family relationships to everyone, so "Mary's Mom" was a simple solution.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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would be feeling bitter and insecure. How about that she was just irritated that Dad was parading the woman about as the mother?
How about the girlfriend wear a name badge with her first name on it...then it wouldn't have upset the child?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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...you posted her response was the kicker. If YOU made it clear that it wasn't an issue, she probably wouldn't have an issue with it. But you DO have a problem with it, and even at 8, kids in a divorce situation do what the other parent wants and feels.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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the fact that my daughter wasn't pleased with the host/hostess arrangements. I NEVER said the comment to her....I only expressed it here.....8 years after the fact....on this board. The child could hardly have been doing what I wanted at that time, because I wasn't even aware of the party OR that there was a girlfriend involved until AFTER the event.
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tsl
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 2274
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No, that was plan rude. Everyone that would have attended that party, I am certain, knew the "family situation". She could have worn a badge that said "Mary's soon-to-be Stepmom" or, how about this??? No badge at all.
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Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can keep them out of the way."
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tsl
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 2274
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Could this be an option for you? Plan something together? Throw her birthday party together? After all, as the child grows there will be events where only 1 event will occur and you all are going to have to get along for the children. Why not start to practice it now?
Even though my son's father isn't around much and has never had a birthday party for son of any kind (not even one with just family), I host a party for family and friends and I invite his father and that side too.
One year, when BF was around, he wanted to host the bowling party too. I am still waiting on his half! LMAO And the kool sporty bike my husband and I purchased for son, X was acting like he purchased it too. It was too comical to see him further make an arse of himself (son knew his dad couldn't afford a $5 gift let alone something like this bike!)
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Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can keep them out of the way."
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gr8Dad
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Reged: 06/07/04
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Why should a person entering a relationship with a divorced person have to walk on egg shells, so as not to offend the person their significant other is DIVORCED from?
And before you throw out that it is "for the kids sake", you and I BOTH know that kids ideas as to what is acceptable in regards to who gets called what, and what status a SO or step parent holds in the household is determined by the OTHER parent. If Mom or Dad makes it clear that they have no problem with it, as it is really just a name, the kids usually have no problem. If Dad or Mom make it clear that THEY are Dad or Mom, and NO ONE else can use that title, THAT is what the kids will do.
And really, it is SUCH a childish and immature way of thinking. I mean, does ANYONE really think that if the kid calls Dad's SO "Mom" or Mom's SO "Dad", that they will FORGET who gave birth, or who their REAL Dad is? It is a NAME/TITLE and THAT is it.
It is unfortunate that those who are SO insecure about their children's love need to put a child through that in order to make THEMSELVES feel better about it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BlendedFamily
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Reged: 10/28/04
Posts: 436
Loc: The "Sunshine" State
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Depending on the child's age. Both of the kids loved it when I baked cupcakes and brought them to school (with teacher's permission of course).
Instead of doing the "big" party at home like the Ex likes to do with the family members and "his" adult friends. DS usually chooses to have a bowling party. So, he invites 9 of his closest buddies and I have no clean-up. :) LOL
DS has enjoyed that for the past few years now. I think this year he wants to go to Andretti Park (go-karts) but I explained to him since the costs are more.. only five friends.
I figured if I keep it out of the home.. nothing can be compared such as another poster stated.
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-Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was- Margo Kaufman
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Buckeye
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Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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SIL had a problem with his boys calling BM's boyfriend Dad and still does to this day. Why - because they aren't married. I'm included to agree with him.
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gr8Dad
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Reged: 06/07/04
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...who does it harm? The kids? Nope, they know who their "Dad" is, and love him just the same. It is a perceived intrusion into something he has determined to be "his" (the title of "Dad"), and the ONLY outcome of even MENTIONING it harms the children, as it gives the ex a big pile of ammunition.
I will add that from the beginning of my divorce, I have accepted that my ex would someday get married, and the kids would have my blessing to call her new spouse ANYTHING they want. I did, however, in the beginning, state that they would HAVE to be married. I have since, a few years ago, decided that a piece of paper between my ex and her new spouse would have no affect on how the kids feel about a certain guy, so why should it have an affect on what they called him? It is all about the comfort zone for the kids, and if they are comfortable with calling him Dad, great. It only means that they have found someone they feel comfortable with, and who treats them decent enough that they associate him with their Dad (me).
Think of it this way. When we have a child, we sometimes name that child after someone in our family. Usually someone we respect, and the naming is done as a means of honoring them. Wouldn't it be an honor know that the honor a child could place upon someone, as a form of acceptance, is to call them the same as someone they love and cherish, their father or their mother?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
Edited by gr8Dad (05/01/07 05:55 AM)
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tsl
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 2274
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WHY? Because they were not married YET.
Oh, I do agree with you Gr8dad. My kids called my DH "dad" and they also called their biofathers dad. But, in my case my husband was there when my oldest was 3 and my youngest, she took her first steps at his house when we were dating.
I honestly feel that if a child is comfortable with calling a step, mom or dad, then I'm okay with that. It is, like you said or implied, when a parent FORCES the issue...imo, they did in this case. They had not been dating long, were engaged and she is going around wearing something that states "Mary's mom"??
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Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can keep them out of the way."
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supermansdaisy
addict
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 658
Loc: SC
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If a child calls their step parent Mom or dad of their own accord, you must respect that choice. However, I agree if they are TOLD to call their step parent Mom or Dad, it is wrong.
My kids were sat down right after my ex remarried and were told "You can't call her " K**** " now that we are married, so do you want to call her mother or ma or mom? (Mama was already taken) I disagreed with that completely. My boys were 3 and 6 at the time.
As far as the party thing goes, I think the best advice here is to make the child feel special. I think inviting 2 or 3 friends for a sleepover would be a lot of fun. It wouldn't be the same as a party. I really don't want the children to feel like their parents are competing.
The "Mom" thing really hits a nerve with me. Yes it is an insecurity. I gave birth to the boys and don't think I should be replaced (and believe me...SM has tried). Also, it is a matter of respect. IMO, the BM does know the children love her and know who gave birth to them. But the SM should also know that the children love her as well and shouldn't need the title of Mom to prove that point. It goes both ways...
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elliesmom
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I like the event idea - doing something you couldn't do as a big group. Another one is to go to a ML baseball game. Most parks will let you announce birthdays on the bigscreen for free if you get it in early enough, which can be way cool depending on the age of the kid. And maybe let them bring one friend too.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Melody
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Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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my daughter was. And yes...I do think the new party should be considerate of the feelings of the children in the family and not presume too much upon their first appearance at a gathering.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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I think part of the problem was that BM and boyfriend were not married and HE was also part of the problem with denial of custody. He said they had a "dad" at BM's house so SIL should get lost (so to speak) - but, of course, send the CS.
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