onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Ok so here I am 10 weeks post divorce and we have been quietly doing our custody agreement and no talking what so ever. (he lives in another state) Well through the kids I find out he is getting married in 2 weeks. (not a visitation weekend) Our young daughter is under the impression she is going. They got her a dress and everything. So at some point over the next few weeks he'll have to approach me with a request for additional visitation. Now of course I know I am under no obligation to let her go since it is not his week but he knows and I know how upset daughter will be if I say no. It is the last weeekend of our summer vacation. Things are in full swing again the next day and I really would have liked to have a nice weekend with my kids at hom before the start of the school year. I guess I jsut need to vent because of course I'l let her go but it makes me so mad. He got to set up the visitation weeks for the summer to begin with- he should have planned accordingly.
I also wonder if I should just wait him out and see what i hedoes or call him out and at least I could salvage some plans for that weekend.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2019
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I would take the bull by the horns and send your ex an e-mail letting your ex know that if the two of you switch his next week-end with the week-end of the wedding, which is your week-end, he will be able to have his daughter there.
How you handle this will determine how he will treat switches in the future. I suspect he's not planning on having to switch week-ends, just plans on getting an extra week-end without having to switch.
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Yeah, and I hate to be too unbending b/cI'm sure over the years I'll need flexibility too. But it just ticks me off ..I think in part b/c i have spent the whole summer ddriving her back and forth almost every weekend it seems to meet up with him and I was really looking forward to a few weeks of peace and quiet. He's had his time.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2019
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Flexibility is something that is earned. And one of the requirements of earning flexibility is to actually approach the other parent BEFORE discussing it with the child and working out an agreement. He didn't do that. If I were in your shoes (fortunately, I'm not as my ex and I get along and don't have the issues that a lot of posters have), I would make it clear that the next time he plans something on your time and expects your daughter to be there, he needs to discuss it with you to see if it's okay and not bring it up to your daughter until you okay the change. And if he doesn't, well, then he will have to change his plans as you will not switch with him. You will, of course, extend him the same courtesy.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30372
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Now this is just crazy enough to work, but how about you ASK the ex what his plans are FIRST, instead of working your self into a lather based solely on the word of a child.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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You're getting this info from your kids - isn't it possible that they're getting married on a visitation weekend? Or that they're having a destination wedding but planning a party (hence the dress) on a visitation weekend once they get back?
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]Flexibility is something that is earned. [/quote]
So why does the parent with the least amount of time have to be the one to 'earn' it? Goodwill can start with the CP, first by not jumping to conclusions and second, by being adult enough to ask questions rather than stew in speculation.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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Why aren't you speaking to your ex? It would be better for everyone involved, especially children, if you and your ex could be bigger people than two divorced folks refusing to speak to one another.
You actually say your daughter is 'under the impression' and that you are 'under no obligation to let her go'. Is there a problem with your daughter attending this function other than you didn't receive proper notice (as of now, no notice) about the event? Her father is getting married, she wants to go. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.
In life post divorce there are LOT of battles. You pick your battles. To me this is not a big deal. I'd call the ex, say hey I hear you're getting hitched? So when it that? Did you want the kids there? And in the future, let's plan these things ahead of time. It IS the last weekend of summer vacation and they will have a busy week after. Best wishes on your new marriage.
You know about it, no need to wait it out. Just ask.
I can't remember your story, why your ex is in another state, or why you aren't talking.
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Avaya- Yes, I did get the info from my kids- under 18 and over. He doesn't have another visitation weekend till September. The wedding is in 2 weeks. I would ask him directly but he refuses to talk to me and only will communicate through email at this point.
When I said flexibility is earned I didn't mean he needed to earn it. I meant if I want him(NCP) to be flexible in the future I'm (CP) going to have to be flexible now.
As far as asking questions... it is hard to explain online but communication between us is nonexistent. Not my choice , his. So I could call and ask but chances are I won't get an answer. Honestly, I'm not worrying about it because "I'm" not getting married. "I" live far away and he can do what he wants and it will not affect me at all. I am concerned however that there is "suposedly" this important(to him) date sometime coming up and I know he will drop it on me last minute and expect me to jump. Which I will for the benefit of my daughter.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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Well, he'll have to communicate with you if he wants daughter there, right? When he does, don't jump, make him sweat - tell him 'oh, i'll have to check my calendar, I don't have it with me right now, I'll call you back later.' Then wait a day or two (if that much is available, hours if not). And of course you eventually graciously say yes, without giving him grief - maybe he's putting it off because he thinks you'll give him a hard time about it and he's just scared to ask. By graciously agreeing you relieve that pressure and by not immediately responding you send the message that a) you're not automatically disagreeable and b) you need more time to make a decision.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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