garnet
journeyman
Reged: 01/02/08
Posts: 51
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I have sole legal and primary physical custody of dd. She wants to go to a one week (really 5 days) sleep away camp at the end of the summer. I think it would be a great experience for her. Ex disagrees and will not voluntarily agree to her attending the camp. I tried to reach a compromise with him, and even offered him an extra night with dd upon her return to make up for the mid-week overnight that she would miss while at camp. He still won't agree. My question is this: I have sole legal custody, which means I can make all parenting decisions with or without his agreement (I prefer to do it with, but that doesn't seem possible here). But can I make a decision that will affect his parenting time with her (the mid week overnight) without his consent?
I truly believe this is a good thing for dd and hate to see her deprived of the opportunity. I don't want to make a decision that is out of bounds, and I am willing work out an arrangement with ex to make up missed time. Unfortunately, he won't compromise.
Thanks in advance for your input and advice.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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I appears he is not against giving up the day, he is against the child going away to camp.
"My question is this: I have sole legal custody, which means I can make all parenting decisions with or without his agreement (I prefer to do it with, but that doesn't seem possible here)."
You appear to want him to "compromise" on his opinion that she NOT go to camp by allowing her to go to camp, YOUR compromise on you WANTING her to go to camp is that she is going to camp. Doesn't seem very "fair" now, does it?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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garnet
journeyman
Reged: 01/02/08
Posts: 51
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gr8Dad - Nothing about the situation is "fair." There is no way that we will both be happy with the outcome because we fundamentally disagree on what decision should be made. If this is good for dd (and I do recognize that is a matter of opinion) is it fair for her to be deprived simply because her father disagrees?
The bottom line is that we could agree on things, we might still be together, or at the very least have a joint custody arrangement. We don't because co-parenting was not viable in our situation. I have been desperately trying to find a way to make this work because I am trying to minimize any conflict. My question is, if we can't come to a mutual agreement, do I still have the right to make the decision I think best even if it impacts his parenting time?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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"If this is good for dd (and I do recognize that is a matter of opinion) is it fair for her to be deprived simply because her father disagrees?"
If Dad has valid concerns, is it right to ignore them because YOU disagree?
"My question is, if we can't come to a mutual agreement, do I still have the right to make the decision I think best even if it impacts his parenting time?"
You do not. Now, is there another week during the summer when you have uninterrupted parenting time?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1754
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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The courts gave you sole decision making for a reason. Send your Ex a certified letter, return receipt requested notifying him of your DD going to camp. Mention that you realize he will miss his visitation on XX date because of this. Therefore here are X,Y,Z dates that you are willing to give him to make it up. Or ask him which date(s) he would like to substitute?
Whatever -- it shows YOUR willingness to compromise and HIS willingness to make an AZZ out of himself.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I would send him a certified letter indicating your intent to enroll her in camp, why you think it is a good idea, and asking that he reply with objections/concerns in writing by a certain date. Indicate your willingness to give up a weekend in exchange for the missed midweek visitation. You already know he doesn't like the idea, if it is worth overruling him, I say it is worth a weekend. And see where that goes. I like to cross all my "t's" etc. and would want to be darn sure I was doing the right thing before I did something that completely went against the other parent. He may have some valid concerns or you may be able to address his concerns - you never know.
I think if you do that - even if you end up deciding to overrule him - you can keep yourself out of any legal trouble.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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IMO it doesn't matter what kind of custody you have if the (any) event will interfere with his visitation time. His time trumps your custody if he doesn't agree. Find things that benefit her and wont interfere with his time.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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garnet
journeyman
Reged: 01/02/08
Posts: 51
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C_jane and elliesmom - I have already had numerous written communications via email on this subject, so while not certified, it is certianly well documented. I have tried to address his concerns, but to no avail. We simply do not - and will not - agree on this subject. I've tried offering several schedule changes and accommodations, in hopes of bringing him around, but that hasn't helped either.
I'll probably get jumped on for saying this, but my personal theory is that Ex sees this as one small decision in which he can assert control and he is not willing to relinquish that power for anything, not even dd.
gr8Dad - I am not sure why you are so hostile about this. If two parents disagree on what is best, obviously there are two opposing view points. That is not to say that I haven't listened to, considered, or tried to address Ex's concerns. How would you propose to resolve such situations. One party will always be unhappy. By your arguements, it would seem that any time the parties disagree, the one saying "no" will always trump because the other parent shouldn't take action in opposition to that parent's wishes. That can't possibly be the best outcome.
To answer your question, we each get one interrupted week of vacation time with dd during the summer. Is your suggestion that I swap my vacation week and use it to send dd to camp? I suppose that is another option. I will give it serious consideration, but based on your "fairness" arguments, is it fair that the only way I can send dd to camp is if I give up any and all of my vacation time with her? And is it fair to dd to have to miss out on a planned family vacation because her father won't agree to camp? Why should the child have to sacrifice one for the other?
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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That is a little ridiculous standard if you never have a week of uninterrupted time on paper. Kids do stuff. If you make up the time (personally I think time and half is the least one can do unless you have 50-50), give enough notice, I think kids should get to have a life.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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What, exactly, are his concerns? (I am trying to imagine any legitimate concern about CAMP for pete's sake and that is probably affecting my response, LOL)
I am not for giving up your vacation just so he doesn't trade wednesday for 2 days. Frankly - my husband would have JUMPED at the chance to have 2 days instead of 1. If he won't - I have to wonder how concerned he really is about his "time" with his child. Make sure you offer the "make up" days in advance - so he knows he won't get shafted.
If he makes a legal stink about it - I would counterfile to modify the decree to provide for more than 1 weeks vacation. Lots of people take longer vacations than that. And if he won't negotiate reasonably - then you have to modify. And you will probably win if you can show a good faith effort on your part, and not on his.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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