Threeandme
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Reged: 06/25/12
Posts: 13
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I am a mother of 3 children, D5, S3, D2. Their father, my husband left when I was pregnant with our last child. He is still with the woman and lives with her and her 2 children, D6, S4. I have never met her, although I have asked, and he completely refuses to co-parent or even talk about the kids. Any communication is through a log book that he requested at court because he said he didn't want to have to talk to me. I have an attorney and so does he.
We have joint physical and legal, I have primary custody. Visitation is every other weekend and he gets summer and then I get every other weekend. We live in different counties so it isn't feasible to have the visitation changed. My ex didn't see the kids regularly until I asked the courts to give him as much visitation as possible. After that he did get better and the kids saw their dad reguarly. At first it was horrible, kids screamed and cried during the exchanges and this went on for months. When their dad goes to work his girlfriend watches them and he works 6 days a week. I have opposed this from the beginning but this has gone no where. I never speak negatively about their dad or his girlfriend or this situation.
My major concerns are the lack of communication between me and their father and when he does text me he is rude and refuses to be reasonable about anything. Last week when I picked up the kids my oldest immediately started crying when she got in the car and told me her kids punched her in her face and knocked her tooth loose. I looked and sure enough her tooth is hanging on barely. The good thing is it is not a permanent tooth. She said she told the girlfriend and she told my daughter that she was wrong and that her kids were just playing. My daughter was devestated and couldn't understand why she didn't believe her. On our second day my daughter was hysterical about having to go back. Screaming and crying at the top of her lungs and begging me not to make her go. All I could do is hold her and tell her I love her. She is almost 6 and is very serious about telling the truth, something I have taught her from day one. I asked what happened to her tooth and once again her father went on a tyrant claiming I was harassing him and why couldn't I just leave them alone. I told him that I the mother and I will ask as many questions as I need to to ensure my kids are safe. Needless to say it didn't end well and they just said Sarah told them that she didn't know why she told me that and then they gave another story about how it happened.
There is so much more but this is the most recent. My dughter is in counseling, which her father refuses to take her to or participate in, and they have forced my children to call his girlfriend mom. Sarah has told me so many things it is disturbing. It is very hard to not say something negative but so far I think I am doing ok. I asked my attorney and she said we can get this psychological evaluation done by the courts. It costs alot of money. My kids are worth it, definately. But am I making this bigger than it is? I want the kids to have a relationship with their dad, if I didn't I wouldn't have asked for him to see them more. I just want my kids to be healthy mentally and take my role as their mother very seriously. I have not brought any other men around my kids because I don't think it is appropriate and I simply do not have the time. I really do not know why their father is the way he is other than he feels guilty about what he did and this is his way of dealing. But this isn't good for the kids. I just want what is best for them. Thanks for your input.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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I think you need to change your perspective a little on most of this stuff - going to counseling will help. He doesn't parent like you, neither does his girlfriend. There isn't anything you can do about that. I highly doubt a 6 or a 4 yo could knock out a tooth that wasn't already loose unless they used weapon. I know its hard when everything is still new and especially when new people get involved too soon, but I would try to prepare/detox your kids the same way you would if they had a teacher they didn't like. They still have to go to school and deal. So how would you help them do that?
I wouldn't pay for a psych eval, because I think it would be almost worthless. You already have custody, they aren't going to take away his visits unless he is abusive. Best case - you might could seek an ROFR, but if you work too - they aren't going to insist the kids go to your childcare provider rather than his. You could also seek a provision in your decree that the children will only refer to their biological parents as Mom or Dad or any variation of those terms. But personally I wouldn't invest the money in that alone - I mean if you decide to seek the ROFR maybe I would tack that on. I still think the psych evals would be useless, the child's counselor can testify to any psychological issues. I would make every effort to include him in the counseling - writing notes and xeroxing the book if necessary. Just so he can't play dumb later.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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ssmom79
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Reged: 06/27/07
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Never use your children's names.
You cannot force communication. This is your major concern and it's just not something you can FORCE on a person. You can ask, beg, demand, and still not get it. If he isn't willing to communicate, you should document all attempts to involve him and the outcome of those attempts. Basically you're building a case. What you get from your documentation will determine if you need to take action with a court.
You should take your daughter to her next counseling appointment and speak privately with the counselor about the incident and the referring to the GF as 'mom'. Then the counselor can discuss the situation with the child and get a third party opinion as well as documentation of the incident.
You cannot force a relationship between a parent and a child. So far, the things you desire are out of your control and you have to accept what you cannot change or change how you react to it.
I would be angry if any child punched my child in the face. If you cannot openly discuss with your ex, and you're not communicating with his GF, I suggest a letter stating the situation, that you want to know how they plan to prevent future incidents and mail it certified return receipt.
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Threeandme
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Reged: 06/25/12
Posts: 13
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Thank you for your insight, and yes I totally agree we do not parent the same. I do my very best to try to remain disconnected but when my kids are involved, something just happens. I have already addressed the calling the girlfriend mom in court and that got me no where too. I just tell myself that the kids know who mom is and that will never change. I have included him on every doctor appointment, school conference, etc. and he refuses to be there if I am there. And he is the one who left me! I don't really care, as long as its documented. My daughter cares because she wants him there but there is nothing I can do about that except comfort her.
I do believe my daughter was punched in the face. Their excuse to me was that my 3 year old son did it to her while they were playing. Regardless, my daughter wasn't listened to. And my main concern was her reaction when she had to return to her dads. Absoulute melt down. So yes, I will continue with counseling and pray and maybe one day it will be better. And I actually have a few documents he wrote to me, remember we only communicate on paper, that says he will never attend a counseling session.
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Threeandme
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Reged: 06/25/12
Posts: 13
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Thank you for your post to my dillema. And for schooling me. I didn't know I had did that until I re-read it just now. I have addressed the "mom" thing with the counselor and she says there isn't much that can be done except to remind the kids that she is not their real mom, especially to my 2 year old. My other two know this pretty well. I think my problem is I am too emotionally involved and it is very hard to step back and disconnect. I am learning. I will do that certified letter, its a good idea.
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gr8Dad
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"I do believe my daughter was punched in the face. Their excuse to me was that my 3 year old son did it to her while they were playing. Regardless, my daughter wasn't listened to."
Okay, didn't you say that the tooth was hanging by a little bit of flesh when she got home? Is it POSSIBLE that she was playing, took a shot to the mouth, as all kids do occasionally, and it LOOSENED the tooth, which she then played with till it was hanging? I mean why would THEY leave it hanging like that?
Is it POOSIBLE that the six year old little girl is being overly dramatic, because she is getting a response against Dad from you?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Threeandme
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Reged: 06/25/12
Posts: 13
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I thought that might be what it was, but if that were the case my daughter, who I know pretty well, would have told me. I taught her early on never to lie and I am pretty sure it has stuck with her after the lesson she learned. Needless to say, nothing was mentioned in the log book about the accident and my daughter was literally hysterical about returning to her dads, begging me not to let them take her. And to make matters worse, he wouldn't even get out of his car to come get her (she was crying so hard and refusing to walk to his car) so the girlfriend did it. What kind of dad does that? Our little girl needs to have her dad's love and understanding and handing her to him is easier for her than going to the girlfriend. I am just so sick of the whole thing.
I have asked alot of people if his behavior is normal or common and the census is the same, definately not. How serious does the injury have to be? Thanks for your advice, it helps alot.
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ssmom79
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Your daughter is six years old, she shouldn't need to be carried between cars at all. It's a little odd to question what kind of dad would not get out of a car to carry his six year old...one could counter with what kind of mom doesn't escort their hysterical daughter from her car? I'm not being rude, it's just that sort of thing goes both ways.
It's quite normal to have parents neglect their child's needs and/or desires out of spite for the other parent. Sounds like he is being spiteful, so you have to take it in stride and step up when he does not. If you think that behavior is not normal, I would disagree. It's not ideal at all, however, that really isn't unusual.
Can you record things in the log book? If yes, I would definitely add your account of the incident.
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M5M5
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Reged: 07/29/05
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Not trying to be mean or rude, but...all kids lie. If you don't think your kids lie or will never lie, you are only kidding yourself.
The others are giving you some really good advice. Good luck! I know what it's like dealing with a difficult ex.
Edited by M5M5 (06/26/12 12:52 PM)
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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I wasn't disputing that your child was hit in the mouth - I was saying that another 6 yo isn't hitting her in the mouth with their hand hard enough to break off a tooth that isn't already a loose tooth.
Lying is probably not the right word, but not aware of the truth is. Little kids don't always understand and perceive things correctly. Example a child might see two adults goofing around and "fighting" over the remote and one pick up the other and throw them on the couch - all in fun. But they then go home and say that they saw those two people fighting and one throw the other. Is it a lie? no. Is it the truth - not really. Another example might be one child is being rowdy and spinning in circles with their arms out holding a toy that another child had and they took, but have long forgotten that the toy is ill gotten gains. They are just spinning in circles having fun. While spinning that child swings their arm into the mouth of the other kid, knocking loose a loose tooth. That child goes home and tells their mom they were fighting over a toy and they got punched in the mouth. Is that kid lying? No. But are they really perceiving the incident as it happened? No.
There will be a lot of things like this that you have to understand have been filtered through the mind of a young child. They aren't little adults, they don't always understand what is going on around them, and they say things that while they believe are 100% true - they are 100% wrong. And sometimes you never figure out just what happened, because they often don't note the important details. They are just kids.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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