gwandjsmommy
recently joined
Reged: 07/25/12
Posts: 4
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Please help... my ex relocated 4 hours away when our daughter was in Kindergarten (we have been divorced since she was 1 and she is now going into the 4th grade). I have primary physical custody and we have joint legal. Every other weekend during the school year we meet 1/2 way on Friday night and then again on Sunday night so that she can spend the weekend with him in his home. During the summers she goes to his house for 2 weeks and then to mine for 1 week. We continue that schedule through the summer.
My question... how do we handle weekends when she wants to go to a school function or when she wants to play soccer and the games are on the weekends? My ex sees the schedule in black and white~ no gray areas. At what age do we consider her interests and social life? Her dad talks to her every other night and is a good dad. It is important for her to spend time with both of us, but with the distance of 4 hours it is complicated... close enough for every other weekend visits, too far for allowng her to participate in a Saturday event and still travel the disance to see her dad. Also, he is not willing to come and spend the weekend down here.
Any advice? :confused:
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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In my experience most coaches etc. are aware that many kids have another parent every other weekend who may not bring them. I tried to explain in advance and made a little extra effort to volunteer even when the kids weren't there to try and make up for the inconvenience. There were 1 time events that we tried to plan for. Like homecoming dance is in 4 weeks and on your weekend, can we trade it for next weekend or the one after (giving plenty of notice and more than one workable option). Or since its friday can we meet saturday morning.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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gwandjsmommy
recently joined
Reged: 07/25/12
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That would be great if m ex thought that things like homecoming dance were important. He has literally told me that nothing is more important than her spending time with him at his house. Now, I do agree for the most part... but that is kindof like saying that nothing is more important that your children and then not going to a work meeting because they are home/not in school. I just wish that we could all find a balance.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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Well I would agree - but agreeing to switch weekends or make up the time some other way does not detract from his time with her. If you can show that you have repeatedly attempted to make arrangements (that involve switching not LOSING any time) and you gave him ample notice and he refused to negotiate in any way, you may be able to modify your decree to indicate what you do when a conflict comes up - switch weekends, time made up over your holidays, time made up in the summer. Or try and trade him giving him one of your 3 day weekends that come along. Or ask him what he thinks would be a fair way to make sure she gets to participate but doesn't lose any time with Dad.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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kkimberh
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Reged: 03/24/10
Posts: 391
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With a 4 hour distance, you really should be looking at a long-dstance schedule. I know in my state, anything over 100 miles is considered long-distance. That's way too much travel time every other weekend. I would file to modify it to a long-distance plan. Because he created the distance, he really should be responsible for transportation, but you've already been meeting halfway so I'm not sure if they would change it. While filing to modify, you can add language about allowing her to attend school functions, etc.
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
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Avaya
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Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]That would be great if m ex thought that things like homecoming dance were important. He has literally told me that nothing is more important than her spending time with him at his house. [/quote]
If that's how he feels you have to honor the visitation schedule. A time will come when she will put up a fuss with him and he will either bend or he wont - but chances are he will. In 4th grade, I wouldn't consider homecoming that big of a deal either. I think time will take care of this. You can always ask to switch weekends though, when there is something special she wants to attend. I really think though, that you will have a better chance of seeing him give in a little if you FULLY support his position with your daughter and don't make him the bad guy just because he says no. If you support him then I think most reasonable people (and he sounds reasonable - sticking to all of his visitation) would come to a reasonable solution when the time is right.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Avaya
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Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]Or ask him what he thinks would be a fair way to make sure she gets to participate but doesn't lose any time with Dad. [/quote]
Great option!
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Avaya
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Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]With a 4 hour distance, you really should be looking at a long-dstance schedule. I know in my state, anything over 100 miles is considered long-distance. That's way too much travel time every other weekend. [/quote]
Boo-Hiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Girls NEED their daddys! Doesn't matter who created the distance; it's workable and they've been doing it for a lot of years just fine. This age is NOT the age to decrease time with daddy.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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kkimberh
enthusiast
Reged: 03/24/10
Posts: 391
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Who said anything about decreasing time? There are ways to make the schedule more manageable in a long-distance situation without decreasing time. In a lot of ways, and a lot of situations, it causes a BETTER relationship w/ daughters and daddies because of the decrease in travel time and longer stretches of time together. Their time together is longer and of much better quality than a rushed weekend, even if it is every other weekend...
And trust me - I was as big a daddy's girl there ever was before my dad died. I KNOW all about how important a daddy is to a little girl, or a grown girl for that matter.
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
Edited by kkimberh (07/26/12 10:54 AM)
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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During the school year there isn't much opportunity for dad to get more time than EOWE, so a change to some long distance plan would most certainly decrease that time.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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