ssmom79
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In my experience above ALL kids crave consistency - and in my opinion that primarily equates to mom and dad sticking together in what they tell the kid.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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[quote]In my experience above ALL kids crave consistency - and in my opinion that primarily equates to mom and dad sticking together in what they tell the kid. [/quote]
And if Father of the Year is CONSISTANT in telling kid 'no you can't do ANYTHING you want on my time' pretty soon the message will sink in. And she will begin telling her friends "what weekend is your birthday party on? oh, that's my Dad's weekend. I know I can't go".
And the resentment will build, and build, and build -- until Teenage Girl will totally rebel and it will KILL any relationship she was EVER going to have with Father of the Year. Bet on it.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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gr8Dad
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You are a PERFECT example of why our society is FVCKED. You seem to think that the PARENT, the one who is in CHARGE< and who PAYS for everything, and is RESPONSIBLE for everything, should give up MORE< so that the CHILD, who is subordinate at best, will not be MAD at them.
Anyone here old enough to remember when, "Because I said so" was the only explaination needed for you, the child, to SHUT THE FVCK UP?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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ssmom79
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Reged: 06/27/07
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You and your ex are only consistent at being enemies. That also gets picked up by the child and parents should be wary of that as well.
It is true however that if a parent consistently says not on my time, she will learn what weekend is what and say no. Will the resentment build and build? Maybe, maybe not, it depends on the child and how they were raised.
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elliesmom
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I think if Dad remains inflexible and will not change for any event in spite of the child's request - she will get very resentful. Any teenager will wonder "why can't we swap weekends?" And quickly come to the conclusion "because dad is an a-hole."
Just because the child respects her fathers wishes as her father - doesn't mean she won't hate him. Teenagers are quickly adults who are under NO custody order. Teenagers who are treated this way will be adults who don't call and don't come over. Because the only reason they ever did it was because they ALWAYS HAD TO. Now they don't and won't.
Truthfully we are in the same position. We did eow at 4 hours away for years. But SD17 has a life. She loves her Dad. So he handed her a calendar and said pick out when you want to come and I want to see you at least once a month. It has worked out well. She has strong-armed her mother out of almost every holiday so she can come and spend a longer time here. Sometimes we have skip September (annual tradition with mom one weekend, homecoming game the next, homecoming dance the next, etc. Sept. is CRAZY), but she just spent most of August here so its no biggy. It is always best to avoid ruling teenagers by force -- unless you have no choice because they are doing something dangerously detrimental.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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kkimberh
enthusiast
Reged: 03/24/10
Posts: 391
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How flexible you are with them as teens is going to determine what kind of relationship you have with them as adults. Any parent knows that. It is simply more pronounced in a split family situation. A resentful teenager is going to see their 18th birthday as 'freedom from dad day' (or mom). If they are spending their teen years and possibly before that HAVING to visit, are they really going to CHOOSE to visit once they don't have to?
Besides, once our kids are teens, how much time do we really spend with them, even if they are in our own house? It's just me and dd, and besides taking her to practice, or to school some mornings, or to shows, she's off creating her own life - as it should be...
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
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ssmom79
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I wonder if this parent will change his thinking when the child is a teen? It's easy to say, I am going to do A, B, C with my kid...then your kid comes along and reminds you life isn't always A, B, C....sometimes it's G, K, S or some other weird combination.
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gr8Dad
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"Just because the child respects her fathers wishes as her father - doesn't mean she won't hate him."
Hey, if my teenagers occasionally hate me or resent me, do you know what that means? It means I am doing my JOB as a PARENT. Guess what, occasionally, I hate my BOSS, but I listen to him, because he pays me (not directly, but you get the point). The WHOLE GENERATION that is coming up right now, that is convinced life OWES them, and they don't have to do stuff because its not FUN, is going to cause MAJOR problems.
Do you know who I REALLY feel bad for? My kids. My people are half gerneationalist. Not yuppies, not genX. Its our job to clean up the mess from the generation before. My kids will have to clean up after these spoiled snots.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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The WHOLE GENERATION that is coming up right now, that is convinced life OWES them, and they don't have to do stuff because its not FUN, is going to cause MAJOR problems.
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Already causing major problems, imagine the parents who just can't say no because it's not fun, building up debt using credit to buy things they cannot afford.
SD was left with two credit cards to buy school clothes....she was told only use $XX on one card because it's almost maxed out. Not only that, she's keeps raising the quality of jeans she NEEDS. No longer is Aeropostale OK, American Eagle is wrong, Hollister paves way to Abercrombie and before you know it, she's expecting to wear Hudson jeans at $240 a pop because someone owes her that. HORRIBLE thought process and difficult to stop. So not only is she maxing cards, she's teaching the child that you can buy now what you cannot afford and pay it back later.
I did breed into that monster buying Coach bags and AE jeans but I pay cash for the things I buy and I save money to buy things with cash. So darnit why can't that pick that up instead of give me a credit card and I'll make payments!
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I don't consider someone who wants no relationship with a parent, because that parent refused to EVER consider respecting their desire to engage in a social activity, to be a spoiled brat.
In fact I would say that someone who doesn't give a cr@p about what I want - already has no relationship with me.
I am not saying what the kid wants trumps all - but if dad remains completely inflexible - they will have a poor or no relationship with their teen/adult. And it will be his fault. You can consider the feelings of others, including your child, without being ruled by them. Good parents do it all the time. My child may want to do something that either conflicts with other events or puts too great a strain on our family resources that would require a "no." Presumably if you haven't raised awful kids - a teenager can easily understand WHY it has to be "no." (At least in my experience). But if "no" is reflexive and without explanation - they will resent it. And as adults - exercise their right to not include someone who has no regard for them in their lives. As any healthy person would.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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