Lvgonadream
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Reged: 08/09/12
Posts: 3
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All parties involved live in the State of Michigan, tho different counties.
My daughter's fiance has a now 14 month old girl. Note never married to baby's mom, but paternity established, support 100% up to date. Aside from being there when she was born, was not allowed any visitation until this past Christmas where he had her for a week. He then did not get visitation again until her birthday, 2 months ago, again for a week. No custody orders in place at baby's mom's insistence.
Since she was born, baby's mom has changed residence more than 10 times! Since the baby's birthday 2 months ago, the mom has insisted that he take the baby every other week.
She currently resides at a motel that she, her mother and step-dad manage (yet another new residence in the last 2 months). Last pick up of the baby by my future son-in-law was 1 week ago.
Baby's mom is now saying that he/we have to keep her for 2 to 3 more weeks! Reason being that she is managing the motel by herself as her mom is gone somewhere. Sorry, don't buy it, a 150 room motel run by 1 person who is 20 years old and has a new boyfriend, hmmm....
What to do, what to do!? She is getting over $200 a month in child support, plus the baby's food benefits and not providing for this baby (who we love very much!) nor wanting to even see her for a day.
I've search this topic extensively on the internet, including the State of Michigan custody laws and can find no solution to this problem. Any advice much appreciated!
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
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"What to do, what to do!?"
Enjoy the time.
"No custody orders in place at baby's mom's insistence."
Mom has no say in this, he can take the matter to court and establish visitation, mom's approval is not needed. She will either follow the order or she won't, in which case he can take her back for contempt.
Since you said "any advice much appreciated"... you need to back off a bit... this isn't your fight... give dad information and options, suggest he have a free consult with an attorney to see how he can get regular parenting time and the cost involved... but you can't want this worse than he does, he needs to do the work, not you. Also, all of you may want to stay away from being upset over $200 in child support and "having to keep" the child. $200 a month is really not outrageous, and most parents welcome extra time with their kids, it's not a matter of "having to".
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Lvgonadream
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Reged: 08/09/12
Posts: 3
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See, don't get me wrong here. We are very much enjoying our time with her. The concern is for "stability" for this baby. As I said in 14 months she has been moved from place to place over 11 times. Now that the baby is here, the mom keeps finding excuse after excuse not to even see her baby.
I actually do not want this worse than he does, however, he lives in my home, hence so does his daughter. Having been a paralegal in the past for close to 20 years he asked me "mom get on the internet and see what you can find out." So, advice/information/options is exactly what I'm seeking for him. I'm pretty sure about what he needs to or should do, just looking for confirmation.
Also, no $200 a month is not outrageous and he is happy to pay it, just trying to give accurate information here :-) He will most likely be paying more actually once he starts his new full-time job at a local scrap yard.
Thanks so much for all of your thoughts, they have really helped me in my thought processes and pretty sure I can point him in the right direction now.
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ssmom79
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Reged: 06/27/07
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This is your daughter's fiance with a child barely a year old. He needs to determine what happens after these few weeks he is with the child. Is the mother going to be able to care for the child? Does the mother want to care for the child? If the father is willing to care for his child, then he should go to court and request custody of the child. Since there is not custody (and I have no idea how he is paying a support order that is not tied to a custody order) he can ask for it.
Until then, if he is ordered to pay support, he should pay it and take care of his child while he determines what he wants to do. I would assume he wants to take care of his child and in that case he should be filing for custody.
He should consult an attorney, many do that for free, and explain the situation. A Michigan attorney can give him an idea of what it would cost, if he could do it pro se (or by himself) and what he would be up against should the mother decide "poof, I want to be a mom" again.
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
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"Since there is not custody (and I have no idea how he is paying a support order that is not tied to a custody order) he can ask for it. "
Sounds like the parents were not married. With my ex-sd, ex and bm were never married, the state went after cs when bm applied for welfare and the state established a cs order... parenting time was not part of that equation. I'm guessing the logic behind it is related to the welfare benefits, the state wants the ncp to help support the child before taxpayers do. There are no savings for the state in parenting time.
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ssmom79
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Yea I can see that Sherron now that you mention it. When BM applied for assistance it started a chain reaction of events that took over a year to undo. CSE filed for support, the money was ordered to be paid, they kept paying the old way. Ended up my hubby owed $10k in support and they had to go to court together to request the CSE case closed and provide proof he paid.
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Lvgonadream
recently joined
Reged: 08/09/12
Posts: 3
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Exactly Sherron and exactly ssmom79!! The daddy is 30 and mom is 20 and fairly immature, a "party girl", also does not tell the truth on a regular basis (for example he didn't find out she was only 20, instead of the 25 she told him she was until the baby was born). He was buying diapers and wipes in large quantities and other baby items and sending them via Wal-Mart online, until his online account showed that she was returning them (unfortunately didn't show what she bought with the credit).
I'm thinking the correct steps here are:
1. Contact the F/C in the county where baby was born to see what if any papers were filed and get a copy (he lost his file when he moved).
2. Save the $750 retainer for the attorney he has already consulted.
3. Contact F/C in our county to see if jurisdiction falls here or in the mom's county, but baby has been here for over 30 days in the past 2 months and now will be here for 30 consecutive days.
Not sure how the support order came in to play, but I know it comes right out of his check. As I said, he lost his papers somehow when he moved or could be in his storage, which is pretty packed right now.
A side note here: There are a few things he does NOT want and that is to get her charged with child abandonment. In Mich, this can be initiated by DHS/welfare when a child is left with a noncustodial person (can be noncustodial parent or otherwise) and is a felony. Yikes! He also does not want to separate baby from mom and he makes sure that baby at least talks to her on a regular basis. What he really wants is for her to "mom-up", but unfortunately he does not think that will happen at this time.
Thanks once again to everyone. I'm grateful that I found this forum!
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ssmom79
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Reged: 06/27/07
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Yes I think he has a good plan of action. No harm wanting a parent to be a parent, but it's out of your control so I would try not to be consumed with those sort of feelings.
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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
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It's been 14 months (plus a 9 month pregnancy)......hasn't your future sil had ANY free time to look into what he needs to do to get regular parenting time and a custody order ?
His baby momma doesn't sound like the only one here who is immature. HE needs to step up.....and by that I mean do more than ask his future mil to look up stuff on the internet.
I would be concerned about this baby momma. Her actions, or inactions, will also affect your daughter and her future family. I'm concerned that you only seem to be worried about her learning to "mom up" Your future sil doesn't sound like he's done much to look out for his child's best interests. He's the one your daughter is planning to marry. I'd work on trying to get him to "parent up" Who knows what baby momma did with the money from the returned diapers and wipes. Maybe they were the wrong brand. Maybe she traded them for clothese or a big flat screen tv. The pediatrician's records would show if the baby had severe diaper rash from not being changed frequently. If that's not the case, dad shouldn't waste time trying to figure out the mystery of the returns.....he should be focusing on getting a custody order !
It is great to hear your loving words about your future step gd.
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Runswithscissors
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Finz.. not to mention the fact that at 30, he's living in parents home.... with some girl....
on top of handling the court stuff... he needs to show that he can provide for this child under his own roof.
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finz
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Worse....it's HER parents' house !
LV.....it sounds like your heart is in the right place. I agree that baby momma sounds like a loser. I just don't think your future sil sounds much better than her.
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
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"Worse....it's HER parents' house !
LV.....it sounds like your heart is in the right place. I agree that baby momma sounds like a loser. I just don't think your future sil sounds much better than her."
It depends on why the dd and fsil are living there, no? Fsil is 30, sounds like dd is closer to his age than bm is. Yeah, they could be losers mooching off LV... or it could be a mutually beneficial agreement. At $200 a month is cs, fsil doesn't sound like a high income earner, but it's still possible that between him and dd they pay enough rent to keep LV's home out of foreclosure... or it's possible that them living there provides LV with assistance through an illness or disability. Hard to tell if the "kids" are losers or angels without more info.
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Ruthie_Marie
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Reged: 08/11/12
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Hi this is dd, I had a very high risk pg and my daughter's spermdoner left me when I was 2mo along. I had to quit work and move back in with my parents. I met my fiance when I was 4 mo along. It was accidental love. He had a small apt and was always back and forth working his butt off. My parents (mom with scoliosis, and osteoarthritis dad with emphasima and bilateral torn rotators, bilateral torn acl in knees & no ins for either) talked with both of us once we got engasged and allowed both of us to stay with them so #1 I would beable to relax durring the pg and recover after the c-section #2 so he could help THEM run their business #3 so we could save up for the beautiful house that we are moving into next month. I am a second shift nurse, fiance is a master machanic. At such a young age, he was trying to make sure child was with her mother primarily. Mother offered week-to-week in June, the problem now is her mother does not want her back. With having a 15 mo and an 8 mo its hard for either one of us to get to a computer for reasearch, so my mother very kindly offered to help.
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
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"the problem now is her mother does not want her back. "
What an incredibly sad statement.
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Eve
member
Reged: 11/28/05
Posts: 112
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He is a master mechanic? Your mom said he is getting a new job in a scrap yard. And do you all really want this baby living in a motel with a 20 year old that doesn't want her and her boyfriend, who has no attachment to the baby at all? Your mom is very kind to want to help, but I think the baby's father has to take the bull by the horns so to speak, he is 30 years old.
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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
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[quote]Hi this is dd, I had a very high risk pg and my daughter's spermdoner left me when I was 2mo along. I had to quit work and move back in with my parents. I met my fiance when I was 4 mo along. It was accidental love. He had a small apt and was always back and forth working his butt off. My parents (mom with scoliosis, and osteoarthritis dad with emphasima and bilateral torn rotators, bilateral torn acl in knees & no ins for either) talked with both of us once we got engasged and allowed both of us to stay with them so #1 I would beable to relax durring the pg and recover after the c-section #2 so he could help THEM run their business #3 so we could save up for the beautiful house that we are moving into next month. I am a second shift nurse, fiance is a master machanic. At such a young age, he was trying to make sure child was with her mother primarily. Mother offered week-to-week in June, the problem now is her mother does not want her back. With having a 15 mo and an 8 mo its hard for either one of us to get to a computer for reasearch, so my mother very kindly offered to help. [/quote]
His juggling a 15 mo old and an 8 mo old tells me he BLEW OFF 7 months of trying to deal with his own dd, who should have been his priority, when he knew there was a time clock ticking on when his life would have been getting busier.
I don't understand why someone would start a new love relationship (especially with someone who should have had their own focus on their high risk pregnancy) when they were seemingly too busy/broke/whatever to arrange custody and visitation with their own newborn.
If it's true love, shouldn't it still be there when each of you deal with you own pregnancy, new baby, housing, and finnancial issues ?
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finz
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[quote]"Worse....it's HER parents' house !
LV.....it sounds like your heart is in the right place. I agree that baby momma sounds like a loser. I just don't think your future sil sounds much better than her."
It depends on why the dd and fsil are living there, no? Fsil is 30, sounds like dd is closer to his age than bm is. Yeah, they could be losers mooching off LV... or it could be a mutually beneficial agreement. At $200 a month is cs, fsil doesn't sound like a high income earner, but it's still possible that between him and dd they pay enough rent to keep LV's home out of foreclosure... or it's possible that them living there provides LV with assistance through an illness or disability. Hard to tell if the "kids" are losers or angels without more info. [/quote]
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Being disabled myself, I can still say with certainty that my need for physical or financial assistance will NOT make me or influence me to condone my children shacking up with anyone outside of wedlock.......and sure as heck not in MY house.
Maybe LV feels differently about people living together and , specifically, her child doing that. She may be fine with that.
The further info RM provided not only reinforces my initial feeling that fsil has messed up priorities......it really makes me question the judgement of all of these folks.
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Sherron
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"The further info RM provided not only reinforces my initial feeling that fsil has messed up priorities......it really makes me question the judgement of all of these folks. "
I know... the whole, "custodial parent refusing to take child back" and "the problem now is her mother does not want her back", makes me feel very sad for the baby. Sounds like no one wants her. Figured I'd give them the benefit of the doubt on all of them living together, sometimes, you have to do what you have to do... shacking up isn't criminal, not for me to decide who lives in their home... but the rest... just messed up. All this talk about wanting stability for the little girl, bm moving her 11 times in 14 months, and when given the opportunity to change all that, to provide stability for the baby they claim to love very much, all they can do is biatch about bm not taking her back. Both parents are failing this little girl right now.
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elliesmom
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This whole thing is so disgusting it makes me want to puke.
My husband - a REAL father - would have given anything to have his 2 oldest children with him full time. Not because it would be cheaper or easier - it is NOT - but because they are precious to him. And if their mom didn't want them? He would sack up and protect them from someone who clearly did not have the level of affection for them a parent should. Not jump up and down about how could he make her take them.
Finding out their SD was abusive when I was pregnant with twins and stuck resting, was surely not convenient. He still fought like h3ll with every dime we had to get them. ANd protect them - from the horrible choice HE MADE when he chose her for mom.
This dad seriously needs to man up. And no way in h3ll would I want to marry (or have my daughter marry) a man so seriously in need of a head thumping out of being a cr@ppy dad.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Okay, a nurse and a master mechanic living together. Not a problem. Having to live with her parents? Yes, there is a problem.
You both need to grow up. He needs to man up and take care of his responsibility. He has a child for heavens sake.
His child should take priority over his current shack up and her pregnancy by another man.
Hopefully he's not stupid enough to be convinced to put his name on your child's birth certificate. He's already got one child he doesn't want.....
Doesn't sound like he's the catch you seem to think he is. If he was, he'd fight to keep his child with him. A real man would fight tooth and nail for his child - not worry about how to get her back to his last shack up.
Very sad for the child to have such a crappy set of birth parents and soon to be step-mom.
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kkimberh
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Reged: 03/24/10
Posts: 391
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Regarding the quotes: "custodial parent refusing to take child back" and "the problem now is her mother does not want her back" - I get the feeling all of you are misunderstanding OP and OP's dd badly...
They are not saying they don't want her. OP even said they love her and enjoy having her there. They are saying that the problem is now that the baby is there w/ them, they have NO Idea what to do now that the baby's mother doesn't want her back - as in what do they do to be able to keep her there and safe??
Reading comprehension people. Really...
OP - consult with an attorney. A consultation won't cost much (though most won't do it for free anymore) and they will be able to tell you how to get started.
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
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[quote]Regarding the quotes: "custodial parent refusing to take child back" and "the problem now is her mother does not want her back" - I get the feeling all of you are misunderstanding OP and OP's dd badly...
They are not saying they don't want her. OP even said they love her and enjoy having her there. They are saying that the problem is now that the baby is there w/ them, they have NO Idea what to do now that the baby's mother doesn't want her back - as in what do they do to be able to keep her there and safe??
Reading comprehension people. Really...
OP - consult with an attorney. A consultation won't cost much (though most won't do it for free anymore) and they will be able to tell you how to get started. [/quote]
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I'd work on my own reading comprehension a bit before critisizing other's. Really.
The op was advised by many to talk to her fsil about consulting an attorney.
Actually, telling her to consult with one is not great advice at this stage. It could cost her money for the visit only to find out she has no legal standing in this, yet.
I think the advice that was given by others.....for her to tell fsil HE should consult with a lawyer is better advice.
After that advice was given, I think it was appropriate for posters to help the OP with the MAJOR issue that she seems to have overlooked. As you pointed out, the op said, "the problem now is her mother does not want her back." That indicated to many that she presented this as THE problem, not one (or to her, possibly the biggest problem) of the MANY problems with this situation.
The fact that the fsil has done nothing to formalize a parenting plan for his child is a HUGE problem.
IF the OP 'gets' that and is just focused on the issue of baby momma right now, that's fine. If an OP is more clear in their posting, they are more likely to get more specific advice tailored to the situation. In this case, subsequent posts by the OP and her dd have all repeatedly referred to the baby momma not wanting the child back as the ONLY issue. They are totally ignoring the fact that fsil has NOT taken the steps he should have......that implies they don't have any problems with his inactions.
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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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"They are not saying they don't want her. OP even said they love her and enjoy having her there."
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Who said or implied that they didn't want the child in the OP's house ? I don't recall any of the posters saying that.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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"Baby's mom is now saying that he/we have to keep her for 2 to 3 more weeks!"
I am not sure how else to interpret that other than being unhappy about having to keep her.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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