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pbjgourmet
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Reged: 05/06/06
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Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions
      #108321 - 05/06/06 07:10 AM

Need advice
Married for 12 years, 4 children ages 6-10

2 years ago DH and I separated for 2 months and I found out he had been having an "emotional" affair for several months (no sex he claims). I forgave him and took him back--but because of the lies have been cautios.

Last weekend he went out of town on a bowling trip. I got an anonymous phone call yesterday from a woman saying that a girl he works and bowls with slept in his hotel room.

I confronted him and he admitted it, but claimed there were a couple other guys in the room and he slept on the floor, and she was too drunk to go her room (in the same hotel I should add). Later I find out that she slept in the room not only one night, but BOTH nights. If nothing went on, I'm trying to figure out why this person found it prudent to call me with the info.

Then, I demand his email [censored] (I could hear him typing as I was asking, and I think he was dumping messages--he also failed to tell me that one letter had to be capitalized, causing a delay and me having to call him back).

Nothing damaging in his inbox, however in the sent items (which I feel he could have overlooked in deleting), a message sent that very morning, a reply to this woman. She told him he ought to set up an IM account and his reply was, in these exact words "No, sorry I can't do that. I WOULD NOT PUT IT PAST MY WIFE TO IMPERSONATE ME ON THE COMPUTER TO TRY TO GAIN INFORMATION".

Affair or not, what a horrible thing to say! And WHY would you say that if you have nothing to hide. I forgave him for SO MUCH and then to disrespect me like that.

I told him I want a divorce, but he insists he did nothing wrong--just used a stupid choice of words.

I really would like other opinions. We have 4 small kids. A lot is at stake.

You can email me also at pbjgourmet@hotmail.com.


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F25Divorced
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108330 - 05/06/06 07:52 AM

It sounds as if he is hiding something from you pbviously. If it were me I would divorce him. Have you been a stay at home mom? Is he a good day and involved in the kids life?

Think: If he is still lieing to you, can you live another day with him in the house, everytime he left wondering if he was going where he said, emailing who he said he wasnt??

My best Friend has taken her hubby back for the same thing emtional and physical affairs SEVERAL times and she has a hard time trusting.

Good luck!


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almostheaven
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108339 - 05/06/06 08:44 AM

My sister's going through the emotions of her husband having had an affair. I tried to tell her that while it's hard to trust him again, if she doesn't at least put up the effort, she will end up leading to the breakup that she didn't want. If you agree to work with someone after finding out they've cheated, then you need to work with them and not snoop into everything, not follow them around, not hang out at their job site, rather than go to Wal*Mart with your sister where you were headed, just because "she" is there today and you're afraid his going in to work was just an excuse to see "her". Yeah...my sister did that. That was one boring afternoon. ::sigh::

That said...he's still hiding things from you. So even though you haven't given him the trust yet again, he's also not working to earn it. Maybe he thinks it's all just talk on your part and you may need to get more serious about it and start making arrangements to split the household to make the transition easier if it does happen. You COULD hire a P.I. to find out, but once you've crossed that path, you probably can't salvage anything. At this point, I'd guess that it's probably not salvageable anyway.

--------------------
Char Fox


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LisaThoreau
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Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 33
Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: almostheaven]
      #108461 - 05/07/06 05:03 AM

It is very hard to know what is going on when you ask your spouse for confirmation of some fact that you have learned and he or she just lies about it. It's very undermining and selfish.
One thing you might want to consider is a visit to your doctor to be sure you have not been exposed to something - he has placed you at risk.

--------------------
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt


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Renee
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinion [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108467 - 05/07/06 07:23 AM

This may not be the best way to find out but I have a suggestion. Do you have the woman's email address still? Drop litle missy a note saying " H has told me that the two of you are just friends, and while I would like to believe that, given his past history its very difficult to do. Add into that the fact that my married husband shared a hotel room with another woman twice on a weekend, I'm sure you can understand whiy I'm concerned. I have asked him for a divorce, but H has told me that he loves me and wants our marriage to work and has made promises to me that he has no intention of breaking up our family. While he has some fence mending to do I'm sure we'll get through it. I hope that the incident in the hotel room doesn't cause you too much harm at work, and that you can find out which of your coworkers or friends is telling people that you are sleeping with a married man. Good Luck.

P.S. If you'd like to i.m. ME to discuss this further my acct is xxxx".

Grab the bull by the horns so to speak and if something is happening or is going to happen, she won't be able to play innocent for long. BTDT. If hubby has nothing to hide he won't give you grief over it. If he comes back with 'you embarassed me with my friend', ask him which is more important - what his wife thinks of him or what a coworker thinks.

I'd also get you and hubby into counseling asap. My X started cheating on me during our engagement, and if I'd have been proactive then instead of hoping for the best, I could've avoided a lot of heartache.

If you can save it, by all means save it, but if this attitude of his continues, my personal opinion would be to file. A good marriage counselor will help get to the bottom of things so you can decide what to do.


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pbjgourmet
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinion [Re: Renee]
      #108570 - 05/07/06 04:37 PM

Wow Renee! That is some awesome advice. I have thought of emailing her but didn't know what to say--and here you have given it to me word for word.

Thanks to all who replied. I feel like I know what I need to do. I forgave the first time--but I can't do it again. I will not accept or allow this type of behavior. It is still so hard--because he causes me to second guess myself. He is so convincing!


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Renee
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Keep In Mind.... [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108699 - 05/08/06 11:56 AM

That little email will do a few things: Tell her what he's saying about her to you, Tell her she's not the first, Tell her that someone else outside the 3 of you is speculating about her and they're out to give her grief because of him, and tell her you're willing to try to save the marriage because HE said HE is.

Just because you are willing to confront the issue at hand, doesn't mean she is. She may try to evade, ignore, attack.....or she may just step up and say "Yes, I'm doing your husband" or "No, he's delusional if he thinks I'm interested". Be prepared to get an answer you won't like. But at least you'll have an answer, and can start thinking about the future.

Good Luck... I wouldn't want to be back in those shoes again for a million bucks.


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Gecko
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108701 - 05/08/06 12:00 PM

she was too drunk to go her room (in the same hotel I should add).

---> What is so funny about this is that if the girl had been a guy who "crashed" in their room dispite having his own room, you wouldn't be making a big deal.

If nothing went on, I'm trying to figure out why this person found it prudent to call me with the info.

---> People who place anonymous calls aren't trying to be "prudent"...they're out to cause trouble. Did it ever cross you mind to question their motives or even to ASK your husband about it? Of course not, you just jumped all over him.

Affair or not, what a horrible thing to say!

---> Why...because it's true...because it's crossed your mind?

And WHY would you say that if you have nothing to hide.

---> Because he knows you.

I forgave him for SO MUCH and then to disrespect me like that.

---> Forgave him for what exactly? For having a female friend" For having someone that he can talk to because you won't? When you found out about this "other woman", did ya'll make any changes in how you treated each other, other than to put him on a short leash?

--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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pbjgourmet
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: Gecko]
      #108807 - 05/08/06 10:28 PM

Thanks again Renee. I'm so confused about everything. I do not want to put up with an affair. He finally left tonight and went to a neighbors.

My heart is so broken. I just want to know the truth! I WISH I didn't love him. More than anything I wish that. Anyway, I am going to send that email. I'm working up the nerve.


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pbjgourmet
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108817 - 05/08/06 11:37 PM

I did it! I sent the email. I hope she replies.

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faithntrust
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108894 - 05/09/06 11:28 AM

Hi!

I would suggest that you really consider the idea of "forgiveness" It doesn't mean you have to trust him right away. If you still love him and he still loves you, and you do have 4 children together that need their mommy and daddy, you must decide to work this out. If you have to separate a while to do so fine, if you can do it in the same house fine, but don't rush into a divorce. Marriage is full of ups and downs and committment. Go seek a counselor to help you both through this. I don't know what your belief is, but if you really want this to work, youboth need to ask God for His help. He can help you both and your kids, and make the marriage you both want. It will take a lot of work and a lot of committment. Believe me, divorce is not the answer. You have no idea what it will do to both of you. It doesn't solve anything, and your kids will ALWAYS be in the middle of both of you. It is a nasty thing, and you need to try to avoid it. Think of your kids, think of each other, not just yourselves. You both have to be committed to making this mistake in the past and go forward from here. Don't play the games, get serious and work on your marriage. In the long run, you and your kids will benefit more than a broken marriage.
Plese, let me know where you are and I am more than happy to give you some resources that will help you. Just give some time to trying to work on your marriage, don't rush to the lawyer.

Someone who knows---


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Debbie_L
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #108902 - 05/09/06 11:53 AM

Smells like a fish to me - stinky! I think you know what he's doing. It seems pretty obvious that he's been lying to you and sneaking around with another woman. I haven't read this entire thread yet, just the first message. I do wish you luck sweetie, and I hope you get rid of the bastard. You deserve better than a lying cheater. Good luck to you and those kids.

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Debbie_L
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: Debbie_L]
      #108903 - 05/09/06 12:01 PM

I've now read the whole thread. I still feel strongly that he's cheating on you. I think you know it in your gut. He's even worse because he's one who lies when caught and tries to make it look like you're the one doing something bad. He sounds like an ass, and there's probably alot more that you don't know (look how easily he lies when he actually is caught). I suggest you get tested for possible STDs. Best of luck to you. I really feel for you right now. You don't deserve to go through this again, do yourself a favor and stop this now.

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pbjgourmet
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinions [Re: Debbie_L]
      #109093 - 05/09/06 07:30 PM

Thank you Debbie and Faithntrust. Can you believe I did get an STD 4 years into our marraige (found out after a miscarraige). The doctor said it was a virus with a relatively short incubation period, and had to have been caused by sexual contact within a couple of months. My husband swore on his life he had not been with someone else. I decided the doctor, or test were just wrong--or that I got the STD from tainted medical equiptment during my miscarraige. I am such and idiot and fool.

I haven't heard back from her yet. Still waiting


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Renee
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Find something [Re: pbjgourmet]
      #109120 - 05/09/06 08:50 PM

to keep your mind occupied. Clean your house or do that piled up mending you've been ignoring. Keep busy or you'll drive yourself crazy waiting.

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Renee
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinion [Re: faithntrust]
      #109237 - 05/10/06 11:44 AM

Someone who has apparently already given his wife an STD once, conducted an affair once, and is sharing a motel room two nights in a row with another woman does not seem terribly concerned about making his marriage work, helping his children, or asking God for help to turn things around.

Your situation may have benefited from the advice you gave, but not all situations will. Sometimes more harm than good can come from keeping mom and dad in a miserable marriage. Since he doesn't seem terribly interested in respecting his wife or earning her trust, but can take off for a drunken weekend of bowling, I'd say this one is all but done. *Unless* HE pulls his head out and agrees to counseling. She already obviously wants it to work, but one person cannot save a marriage single-handedly.


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Debbie_L
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinion [Re: Renee]
      #109322 - 05/10/06 01:37 PM

I think she knows it's over, it just hurts to be going through this again. I hope she has the strength to end it and have the life she deserves.

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BessHan
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Re: Blaten Disrespect/Possible affair-need opinion [Re: Debbie_L]
      #110984 - 05/16/06 03:15 PM

I just think you need to be remdinded that you are worth more than that. Your value far exceeds what you have been given... and the way you have been treated.
Go get what you deserve. First within yourself.
As hard as it may be, especially at first,in the long run you'll be better off with your self respect than a lying cheating husband.

--------------------
Bess H. : )


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