beth679
recently joined
Reged: 10/29/07
Posts: 1
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I'm to be married next month and don't know if i'm making a mistake or i'm just being to picky.I have been with Tom for 6 yrs and here are his "good" points. 1. great devoted dad(from his 1st marriage) 2.educated 3. hard worker with a good job 4. does not smoke/drink 5.does not beat/hit me 6.takes the high road with his exwife for his sons sake ok now for the bad 1. lies which leads to 2. has cheated on a number of women(including me) 3. has a controlling in your face exwife. 4.has a spolied disrespectfull child 5.huge debt 6. spends most of his time at work or online 7. "forgets' valintines/b-days 8. does not fight fair swares at me,never sees my point of view,i'm allways the wrong one. I'm so sad right now i just don't know what to do. Is it just me?
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k122175
newbie
Reged: 11/23/06
Posts: 49
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You are the only one that knows what you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life. But here is my opinion.
"1. lies which leads to 2. has cheated on a number of women(including me)"- that most likely won't change - I'm sorry to say but once a cheater...
"3. has a controlling in your face exwife" - will most likely be in the picture until the child is 18.
"4.has a spolied disrespectfull child" - Speaking from experience - unless the father puts a stop to it - it will get worse (I'm dealing with a 15 yo like this and his father allowing this behavior is a huge factor in my thoughts of divorce.)
"5.huge debt" - honestly who doesn't have some sort of debt - but it will be an indication of your life together (another familiar issue for me and I'm still dealing with it 7 years later.)
"6. spends most of his time at work or online" - That most likely won't change. He does need to work but he doesn't need to be online all the time - he might be addicted in which case he might need counseling for that issue.
"7. "forgets' valintines/b-days" - I believe that is a man thing 
"8. does not fight fair swares at me,never sees my point of view,i'm allways the wrong one" - that is a big issue - and without help it might never change.
There is no one that can tell you what to do. You know what you are willing to deal with and what you aren't willing to deal with. You have to realize the pros and cons of marrying this man and if it is worth it to you. No one is perfect but knowing these issues in advance - it should factor in to your choice.
Sorry I most likely haven't been much help - but if I would have sat down and had the thoughts that you are now - I probably wouldn't have married my husband - only downside is I wouldn't have my son. I wish you the best in trying to sort this out.
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k122175
newbie
Reged: 11/23/06
Posts: 49
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Oh in case I forgot to say it - I would DEFINITELY GO - I only say that because you did ask. 
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mdmymd
newbie
Reged: 07/04/07
Posts: 45
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Sounds to me like you should listen to the little voice of doubt that led you to post this question here, and GO. Don't expect the wedding to make all those negatives get any better.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I would NOT marry this man. Forgets Valentines/Birthdays...not the least important. And if he's divorced and is the NCP, he has little control over his child being disrespectful, and he certainly has no control over his ex. If he's NCP though, he'll have CS, and that's not going away, so if the debt is a concern...
However...he's divorced. And with 1, 2, and 8, I'd start to wonder WHY he's divorced. Do you want to be statistic wife #2? He's ALREADY cheated on you. Why on Earth would you still be considering marriage to him. ESPECIALLY in light of the fact that he's cheated before as well. But #8...that's not gonna change. So if you can't stand to always be wrong, for the next 20, 30, 40 years? Don't marry him.
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Char Fox
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freedom123
addict
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 528
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I would dump him...and run away as fast as I could. Seriously. Find a man who respects you...they are out there.
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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When you marry you take a vow to "love, honor, and cherish". I didn't read anywhere in your post where you mentioned LOVE.
If you have any doubts than do not get married.
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peace
member
Reged: 08/24/07
Posts: 146
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RUN RUN..as fast as you can...
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2019
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I wouldn't stay. Ever heard of AIDS/HIV? He can give it to you if he gets it from the person that he is cheating on you with.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Do not collect the lying, cheating, always right man with the controlling Xwife and the disrespectful child.
Good:
#5 should be a given - it should be so inside the parameter of normal its not even listed - he does not get points for NOT being an abuser. There are plenty of men out there who do not beat or hit the woman in their life.
Bad:
#6, #7 & #8 are classic signs of passive aggressive behavior. He always manages to assert his control over you by not doing things that would show he appreciates you (bdays / vday), or that he respects you (swearing and discounting your views/opinions). He gets the control because he knows he hurts you with this behavior.
It is NOT just you. Beth, I can't stress to you enough, to trust your instincts. Your gut feeling right now is telling you this marriage would be a mistake - listen to it. Do not think that he'll change after a slice of wedding cake. If he's this way with you now, can you imagine how little regard he will have for you once he knows you're legally obligated to him, and he no longer has to 'court' you????
Women have been conditioned for years to look inward when there are problems in a relationship. "What did * I * do to cause the problem?". "If I am patient enough, he'll see how much I love him and he'll start treating me better." "If I just BE better, he'll treat me better". I have two words for that:
Horse Puckey.
Staying in a relationship with someone who treats you with disrespect, and who gives little regard to things that matter to you, only shows that person that you find their behavior acceptable. If he thinks he can get away with that treatment, he has no incentive to change it, so he'll keep doing what he's doing.
Weddings are called off ALL THE TIME. Even more weddings are followed thru with only because the invitations are sent and $$ will be lost. Trust me when I say you could lose a helluva lot more $$ going thru a divorce - not to mention the emotional toll of having a failed marriage.
Do not walk INTO a burning building.....
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emilar
enthusiast
Reged: 06/11/06
Posts: 380
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go...they don't change or get better..he doesn't respect you enough to marry him..and spend thousands of dollars down the line to fix it..just go..
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If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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