overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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Do whatever it takes to make sure he does not leave until after the 10th annversary. It makes a big financial difference. Future SS benifits, alimony for long term marriage. If married less than 10 years it is not considered a marriage of long duration. That is an important point. Sweet talk him into staying until Feb if you can --but if he has already seen a lawyer he is gonna split before 10 year anniversary.
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whattodonow
recently joined
Reged: 11/02/05
Posts: 7
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What if he just leaves but doesn't do anything about actually drawing divorce papers? Would that still count towards being married for 10 years or if he leaves that's it?
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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Yes....hold off on the divorce papers until after you have been married 10 years. This is the biggest regret I have in my divorce. It was final just 10 weeks prior to our 10 year anniversary.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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That is not true. My divorce was final (with kids) less than 2 months after it was filed.
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whattodonow
recently joined
Reged: 11/02/05
Posts: 7
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He's home tonight and has talked with an attorney today. He has been planning on moving out by the end of the month but after talking with his attorney he said his attorney has told him to stay put until things are final that that is in both of our best interests. Does anyone know why that would make a difference? I can't imagine many couples wanting to stay in the same house while going through a divorce. I just think why that would be in either of our interests. I am definitely going to call an attorney tomarrow. I just really can't believe this is really going to happen. I can't imagine really leaving and truly wanting to leave. I know I probably sound like a pathetic person but this just seems so unreal to me. I don't know what more to do to change his mind. I've already played a fool begging him to try just a few more weeks. He just says he doesn't have it in him to try anymore. Up until a couple of months ago I always felt so strong he would never be the one to want to leave us. Are these are normal feelings? Is it too late to try something more? I don't mean to sound so needy it's just this is so shocking and I really don't have anyone to confide in or ask for opinions.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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The I can't believe it is happening to me twilight zone feeling is a completely normal response to this. Your life is about to dramatically change. The only thing I would suggest is to ask him if he would be willing to go a couple of sessions with a GOOD marriage counselor so you could try to repair your marriage rather than throw it away. And if you manage to get him to agree to that make sure it a a counselor that can do couples counseling. If he will not agree to a marriage counselor you need to get a lawyer immediately. Start making copies of all your financial accounts as well.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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Some couples can get a mediation attorney rather than 2 opposing counsels--but it may or may not be the best thing for your situation. You could prob. find articles on the internet about when to choose mediation rather than each having seperate counsel.
I think expect to pay 6 to 8 K in attorneys fees which is pretty normal --mine are a lot more than that but I have complicated situation. But I believe HE will have to pay it since you are not working. You should ask for training costs--education cost to go back to school to get a degree that will be able to support you--nurse, teacher, physical therapist whatever.
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Cinder2
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4361
Loc: Southern California
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Usually the attorney will recommend not leaving the marital home because of status quo for future decisions. If your husband moves out and leaves the kids with you and you don't see a judge for the better part of a year, then by that time the kids will have been living with you in the house for six months and your attorney can argue that the status quo has been set. So his attorney is advising he stay in the house (with the kids) probably so he can get a larger share of the house in the final decision and possibly so that he can get more custody of the kids.
If he has a lawyer, you really need to get one, too. Since you have no job or money, the judge will probably make him pay some of your attorney fees as well.
Cinder
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whattodonow
recently joined
Reged: 11/02/05
Posts: 7
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Thank you for your thoughts! It makes since. He hasn't actually gotten an attorney( as far as I know), he said he talked with one on the phone. He's told me he would like for me to have full custody of the kids with him getting the kids every other weekend and maybe 1 night a week. I called to talk with a few attorneys today and most never called me back yet. The ones that did call me said they charge a $200 consultation fee. I know a few that I did call offered a free consultation so I'm hoping one of those will call me on Monday. Someone else told me though that those that offer free consultations are usually in need of clients and that usually means they are not "good" attorney's, is that true do you think? I've also heard (from friends) that I should not get a job until the divorce is final so that I can hopefully get some help with allimony, do you think that really matters? THanks again for everyone suggestions!!!
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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$200 or more for consultation is pretty standard. Also DO NOT use you attorney for a counselor--(I am so sad, scared, life is unfair blah, blah) counselors cost $80-$100 an hour or free on some medical plans) So do not waste money talking to an attorney how bad, sad, scared you feel. They don't do that. They do LAW and you are paying them BIG MONEY FOR THAT. Remember you are paying $200 an hour to pick a legal brain for legal information and advice. Also it is helpful and cheaper if you can get some articles, books, so you have a rudimentary understanding of the divorce process in your state, county, custody spousal issues. That will save you some $$ not having to ask the lawyer things like what is a response . Any book or article must pertain to your particular state and spousal and child support formulas are usually set at county level. NOLO press has some very good books on divorce. Go to Border or Barnes and Noble.
Also when you go to first consult bring a copy of his paycheck, your last 1040, copies of financial accounts, the names and ages of your children. Better yet call the legal secretary and ask what documents you should bring to the first meeting.
You can get referals to decent attorneys from friends, relatives, local law school, even ask your doc or dentist. Just make sure they do a lot of divorces or are certified specials in Family Law. Their ad should say Family Lawyer or specifically say they do divorces.
You may have to interview a couple lawyers if you don't like the first one you see. An articles online or book will tell you how to interview your lawyer--what questions to ask. Write them down ahead of time. Remember don't waste your money when talking to an attorney. If you are prepared with questions for each meeting and phone call you won't.
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