cracked
recently joined
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 2
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Im married 4 years in the next month. I have 4 kids. all 4 and under. Twins in the middle.
My story is as complicated and, I image, common as any divorce story. Here I will say the problems were with both of us. We shouldnt have gotten married, but we did for the first kid. Twins after, then a baby on top of that. We are four kids deep and life isnt working.
We have a good family as far as the kids are concerned, but there is nothing but friendship between my wife and I. A good friendship, we work together on this family, but passion and tenderness and fun and joy..There hasnt been for a long time. not before our first kid.
I want a divorce. We've spent so much time on trying. I feel incredibly selfish, but this life is crushing me. I feel like we both deserve so much more. I've been through the arguments over staying for the kids or not. I want out of this.
My wife will be hurt, though she is seeing it coming. We've talked, though not as serious as we should now. I believe she thinks its worth staying for the kids.
What is the process? I am being told every where that I should go to counseling first. I feel in a way that this is unfair to her. To make her go through these steps as if I was trying to work on the problems. I'm done working on them.
She gets the house, she gets the car. she gets all my money for alimony and CS. Ok fine. If I dont go bankrupt, I'll manage. I'm prepared for that.
do I have to call a lawyer?
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BnBlindBtNowISee
recently joined
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 1
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You want some other man to raise your kids?
There are ways back to the magic, but a woman juggling four children in major Mommie mode just isn't going to quickly slip back into being the sexy, unfettered woman who drove you mad back then.
You really ought to think about what it is you TRULY want before listening to the majority of scarred people on this forum.
I know I'm one of those, but I'm trying to see your bigger picture.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3154
Loc: SC
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"My wife will be hurt, though she is seeing it coming. "
If all your wife thinks you have between you is a good friendship, she wouldn't be hurt by divorcing.
You state you're ready to give her the house, the car, alimony and child support, so you've thought of the financial fallout already and think you can handle it. You're ahead of the game on that and yes, hire the lawyer.
While you're talking to the lawyer and going through the business process of the divorce, I hope you're prepared for the emotional impact of the divorce on your entire family.
- Your stbx will go through a grieving process and your 'friendship' may go right down the toliet and war will break out.
- Being restricted to seeing your kids when a piece of paper and a stranger says you can.
- No more tucking the kids in at nite.
- Maybe getting to talk to the kids during the day, maybe not.
- Missing important moments.
- Your kids crying and pleading for you when you're leaving them.
- Your kids getting older without you, and if the war hasn't ended between you and your ex, them getting USED to you not being there, and not caring if you're gone or not.
If you think the divorce will end the misery, or the deadness you've felt inside, read these boards. You can hope that your situation will be the exception, and I hope it will be too. Statistically though, you're making a decision that will only trade one type of misery for another.
You do what you have to of course, but be realistic on more than just the money. If the thought hits you down the road "WTF have I done??" you should be prepared for it.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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What about going to counseling? Trying to get some of the passion and adventure back? The grass may appear greener on the other side but believe me; it is not!
Or is it that you are interested in someone else and that is why you are done and do not want to go to counseling?
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Fishergirl
addict
Reged: 12/06/08
Posts: 469
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ok - Im not going to downplay what your feeling but you honestly cant think rationally right now. Trust me. I had 3 kids ages 2 and under (yes, twins as well). I BARELY remembered my name. You need to try counseling. But you need to cut both of you some slack and realize that if you want passion- your going to really have to make it happen. When your kids are young, you not only feel tired and drained, your numb. You just dont realize it until your kids are older and you get to catch a break.
In ways you are being selfish. Its crushing you? You both deserve so much more? How do you think she is going to get that as a single mom with 4 small children? Are you really prepared for her to find someone knew and into her life? Small children will more readily attach to that new man in her life as a father figure. Kinda like when I babysat for my sis for a while and my nephew kept calling me mom on accident.
Look, as someone who has been where you are, I would recommend trying a few things first. Hiring a babysitter so both you and your wife can recharge the batteries. Join a gym just the two of you - its healthy, energizes physically and sexually and makes you feel better about yourself. Make a date night away from the kids, go to your local adult store and splurge on something fun. Find a spark.
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cracked
recently joined
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 2
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Thank you everyone. I appreciate the responses. I wrote this on these boards because I'm a little unsure of how to proceed, and also to hear advice on the process. I'd like to know as much as I can before I commit.
Then there is also the fact that I think I know what I want, but every time I decide that I'm willing to live apart from my kids, something hits me to make me think I'm being crazy. Java's comments in particular. I would liek to think my wife wouldnt make a war of this. I honestly dont think that she would. But I suppose many people thought the same to find they were wrong.
The truth is that my relationship with my wife was broken before our first kid. I was a different man then and I was having a hard time letting that bad relationship go. Holding on to the memory of a better version of us. I held on long enough for her to get pregnant. To revive passion.. it would need to be created from nothing.
I am terrified of losing my kids. I am steeling myself for this change. I'm not saying that I am prepared for it. I dont think I can be totally, but I think something fundamental has to change regardless. I've never known depression. But I'm learning. I don't think there is enough in my wife and I to heal.
Is the advice to stay for the kids and after 10 years or so things will be better? really?
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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As the left behind husband of a wife who wanted to be single after 18 years with me dont count on how she feels not changing.
There will be a huge sense of shock and denial in which she may agree to a lot of what you want because on a deep level she is not accepting it or expecting that if she says yes to what you want, you will change your mind. Then when you actually leave, the shock and denial will be over and then she will be thinking about what is best for the kids and how much she can get out of the marriage for herself since you dumped her.
Thats why I am now fighting for custody. I agreed to what my stbx wanted before she left, now its a whole different ballgame. I have looked back at how she treated the kids and how I did, and the marriage esepcially in the year before she left.
She went from being a good person to acting immature, extremely selfish, and greedy in order to support her fantasy of being young and single again, free to chase other men and do stuff with them. She put herself before the kids constantly and finally with the taking them 9+ hours away from their dad just because that was where she wanted to be.
The point is, no matter what she says in shock, she will re-evalualate when its eventually over and will not be happy with you and probably see your lack of committment and willingness to work at your marriage as a character flaw that your kids are better off not be around much to also get taught it.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You're tired if working on it? I heard nothing about any work bein done yet. What have either of you done to work on it?
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Actually, you don't know what will happen. No one does until it happens.
Haven't been posting much lately because well...I'm going through it again myself. This should give a few people with nothing better in their lives to do something to do for awhile.
Anyway, we've been together 12 years. We've gone to counseling. Son is having behavior problems stemming from problems at home. His dad doesn't agree with son's therapist because well...he felt therapist was "blaming" him. Umm, well...if the shoe fits. He went into depression about 5 years ago, starting with his parents being diagnosed with dementia. Everything since has spiraled him further and further into depression and anger. The cup is ALWAYS half empty for him. I've told him time and again that I will eventually walk if he didn't do something. He won't go to another doctor...trusts the VA implicitly. Won't get a second opinion. His depression is now affecting his son. NO ONE wants to be around him. People constantly ask me what his problem is. I'm tired of covering for him and just saying he doesn't feel well. He hasn't felt well for over 5 years.
So I finally did pack it up and left. Had to do it while he was at work on my day off. Arranged everything ahead of time. I knew it was the only way I WOULD leave. Cause everytime, we end up getting through the next argument and continuing on in the same rut. Now its affecting our son too much and stay for the sake of the kids...ain't working. I've told him that I still love him, I just cannot live in his depression anymore. He's making ME ill. I have a son that needs me...needs him. And he needs us both in our right minds and healthy. His dad doesn't want to be healthy or happy. I can't be happy for him, cannot force him to be happy. So I'm going to focus on keeping my son happy.
I went to the lawyer and told him don't want CS, don't want half the house, don't want to hurt him, he's just sick and needs some medical help. Lawyer asked how he'd react. I told him based on how he's been, I was extremely worried he'd try to hurt himself. Well, the reaction that came wasn't even in the BACK of my mind.
At first he did. Told my daughter he was going to shoot himself. Told my brother he was sitting there with a bottle of whiskey and his pistol. But then, he turned to anger. Outright and overblown anger. Started threatening to take our son away and I'd never get to see him again, got on speakerphone with son in a doctor's waiting room and patients overheard him tell our 4 yo that he was going to blow his brains out! It went from bad to worse and I finally had to file a protective order for our son. I want him to see his dad, want dad to see him, as much as they can. I do NOT want to permanently lose my son, either by his dad taking him away or taking both their lives away.  We've been setting up supervised visits to keep him from running with our son, or doing something worse. And he won't show up for the visits. Says he'll be there, then at last minute says he's not coming, AFTER I told son all day on his birthday yesterday that he was going to see daddy later.
But you know what, our son was well behaved in church this morning...for the FIRST time in nearly a year. Children's pastor had to come and tell me how good he was since all I ever get is negative comments.
In the meantime, I've asked the neighbors to look in on his dad. Don't want to get news a week after the fact that he did indeed follow up on his threats of suicide. He's despondent one day, angry the next. He overdrew the bank by $3K. I was ready to re-fund that account and close it, but he ended up doing it finally. He reported all the credit cards stolen and had them reissued so only he'd have control of them. Had to protect my own interests so I retaliated. Called all the card holders (0 balances since I paid them all before leaving so as not to leave him with bills that he'd need to track), and closed every account. He has cards in his own name and I have some in mine. We don't need those joint accounts. Three weeks later...utilities are still on in my name...at two locations now. I went and bought new furniture for our son and left the house furnished for him. I keep hoping he'll get past his anger, but I'm sure that unless he gets some professional help, he's not going to. He hasn't done it all this time, my finally truly leaving didn't change it either. Only he can change himself...want to change. Or live in his own misery. But his misery won't have my company anymore. I cannot live that way. Our son will not be subjected to that on a daily basis. He needs to see some happiness in his life.
Not meaning to hijack a thread here, but just wanted you to see the point. She may react with anger, depression, she may lash out, she may sit back and take whatever he dishes out, she may be relieved and glad its over. No one can know until its there. But until you HAVE tried, you don't bail out because you're unhappy. Trying means you go to that counselor FIRST. If you've really given it the shot and it doesn't work, THEN you consider bailing. And you simply try to be as fair and reasonable as you can. Don't let her bankrupt you, walk all over you because you feel bad, but don't try to walk all over her either. Treat her how you want to be treated and hope that she does the same.
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Char Fox
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, AH. That sucks
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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Yes, very much. When mental illness is involved, it may be impossible to work out problems, IMO.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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