Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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It seems like most of the posts I read are by women. do you think this is a "male" issue, leaving a long-term spouse, or do you think it's just that women tend to look for outlets like this and are over-represented here? My STBX was not the most cheerful guy to live with at the end (probably already "checked out" of the marriage without my knowing it) but I had never even contemplated ending things and was totally thrown when he brought up leaving. It seems like the term mid-life crisis comes up so often, specifically regarding men. Any thoughts? Are women having mid-life crises too?
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2092
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From what I have read divorces are filed 75% by women and 25% by men. Like in my sister's situation her STBX is having the midlife crisis and left her and the 3 kids. He is off being a batchelor living comfortably at his parents house. He hasn't filed for divorce yet even though he left a year ago. It will have to be my sister who files for divorce even though he is the one who initiated the split. Thus why the statistics are so slanted.
I think that the reason why there are more women on DS is that women by nature share their thoughts with others more often, while men tend to keep their feelings inside. At least that is what research has said. I'd bet that there are a lot of men who just look at this site for information, but don't post.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Agree with Matilda's post. I read a post on here once about it being mainly women filing for divorce and that it meant that the women wanted the divorce. Of course that got replied to hot and heavy.
My feeling on that is the many of the who men leave either do not want to take the time or money to file (both of those would take away from their "new life") and / or they do now want it going before a judge because they think they can put something over on their wives when it comes to settlement. Thus the women is forced to file for a divorce she may not want, just for some legal protection as to assets etc.
I also think that women as a rule are more prone to talking about things that are upsetting them, and men not as prone. That is unfortunate to the men who can no, or will no, talk over with others when something is emotionally distressing them etc.
I filed for a divorce I did not want because I got fed up with trying to work with EX on settlement after 20 months of trying. That, and legal protection for my share of our marital assets. The fact that he was living high with his OW factored in there also. Funny thing... he was so upset the day divorce papers (for the divorce he wanted) were served on him that he had to phone off work because he was upset. I know why he was upset.... it was going to be in the hands of the court and he does not like equitable distribution.
After 30 years of marriage, he thought all he had to do was walk out the day and could take whatever he wanted, and no division on assets etc. When he knew I was not going to stand for that, it threw him into emotional distress. And that was long overdue!
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I definitely agree with Matilda and Karen. The statistics are slanted because when the men walk away, the women have to file to protect their assets. It's not that the women WANTED the divorce, it's just that they're forced into dealing with it...the same way many are forced to deal with the emotional aftermath in themselves and their children, while the ex goes on about his life, usually with another partner.
This is NOT to say that it never happens the other way around, just that the majority of the time, it's the male who makes the unilateral decision to split. I think that's because even in today's "liberated" world, the men control most of the income in a family, and therefore feel less caught in a financial trap. As in Karen's ex's case, they may feel that they can take everything with them. And whether that's true or not, at least they know what they are making and that a certain amount will be there every pay period for their expenses. Many woman feel the need to try and work things our because they're afraid they can't support themselves. They may have put family and hubby's job first over their own education and job promotion.
And I think more women are on support boards like this because they are just more open and comfortable with discussing their problems. I can't tell you how many males I know who would make fun of me posting here.
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Ditto
newbie
Reged: 04/11/06
Posts: 46
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I also believe that men are not as willing to post their feelings. It is not that they aren't experiencing them as fully as women, it is simply that they do not feel comfortable discussing it. I belong to a board designed for people who have been widowed at an early age. Primarily the site is composed of women, but we do have many man. The women were complaining that the men didn't post and the men responded that they wanted a private room of their own. So, the administrator created a male-only board. Women may not post on this board. Some women have gone into that room just to see what is posted. The report is that the majority of threads are jokes or discussions of cars or military histories or sports. This is how they keep in touch with each other and deal with their feelings and bond. Every so often there will be a post discussing the hardship of being a widower and the men will all be very sympathetic and offer advice, but that is a rarity. On the main board the women will post even if it is to say that they are having a bad hair day.
I too think that women are the ones who initiate the divorce because we are the ones who are left to handle the responsibilities. In my case my ex-husband and I both wanted the divorce equally but he refused to deal with any of the details and certainly wouldn't shell out the money to get it done. It wasn't only the divorce that I had to be responsible for. I had to handle the sale of our business and I had to draft the division of assets, and I had to inform his children and his mother, and I was left to clean everything after he moved out, and I had to cancel all of the joint accounts. But even during our marriage I had to pay all the bills, make all the social arrangements, and bear all of the responsibilities for making sure that life progressed orderly and that everything that needed to be done was done.
I'd heard women complain that once they were married they had to become a mother to their husband, but I had never really understood that until I had to do the same thing. And then, of course, I was considered controling and a b*tch. There was no way to win.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Not as slanted as you might think; I did my own study several years ago and found that women are far quicker to initiate a divorce than men are.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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But are they initiating it because their husbands have already walked away and left everything for them to do...or because they really wanted to end their marriages?
I think, for the most part, they're just burying the dead.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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The marriage lasted 25 years (and shouldn't have) but it was her who walked away, left, gave up, whatever you wish to call it, not me. I even tried my level best to reconstitute it but to no avail. Now I see that as a blessing. She already had victim .... umm .... husband the next waiting in the wings.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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but the decision to divorce was mine. I think he needed to feel that he was in control. He insisted that we delay filing for a year for tax purposes, and I agreed just to keep things civil...big mistake. I should have just gone and done it myself after all. Oh...and ours was a long term marriage...17 years. I couldn't stand it any more and had to get out....it's NOT a GUY thing...it's a sanity thing.
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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Reconstitute? What....orange juice???? hehe
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