alas
recently joined
Reged: 08/04/06
Posts: 15
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Hello. This is my first time here. I am looking forward to making new friends, getting help and hopefully, being of some help to others. My situation is not so different from many others, and like so many, I don’t know where to turn or how to deal with my life as it is now. I’ve been married for most of my adult life. My first husband (which I had two beautiful daughters with) turned out to be a cheating alcoholic. I hung in there for just about 10 years. I met another man who I fell in love with immediately. I knew the moment we met and started to talk that we belonged together, that we were soul mates. I still believe this to be true to this day. In retrospect, my first marriage was over before it ever really started. I never loved this man, I don’t believe he ever really loved me, I can’t tell you why we were together, I guess we were both just looking for a way out of the small town life and figured the other had the answer? (I was young, 18, just out of high school). I filed for divorce and started seeing this new guy. He filed for divorce from his first wife whom he never really loved, but married because “he had to”, and life was good. Almost too good. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We’d spend hours and hours talking, making love several times a day, every day, and couldn’t stand to be apart. He was everything I wasn’t and visa versa. We were the perfect match. We spent the next 18 years together, 13 of them married. We melded our families as best as we could (he has a son & daughter same ages as my two girls, visitation every other weekend, few wks in the summer type arrangement). Life was good for awhile, until he got a job at a great company and started on the night shift. All of a sudden I was going to bed alone as he was going to work. I was leaving for work in the a.m.’s when he was coming home to go to bed. After a yr & a half of this he got on the day shift. By then the damage was done, we had grown apart in a way that we didn’t know how to fix. He started going to the bars with his friends, leaving me home with the kids. On his weekends with his kids, he’d go to the bar Friday night & tell his kids he’d get them Sat. morning. (he was suppose to get them Fri. eve) Eventually his kids didn’t even want to come out to our place any more because he was so unreliable. He’d make plans with me and deliberately stand me up. We’d plan to go somewhere or do something on the weekend and he’d inevitably end up in the bar till closing the night before the planned event. He started spending time with other women who liked to party as much as he did, but they were “just friends”. He stood me (and his family) up on X-Mas eve, claiming he got into a small fender bender with a stranger at the gas station out of town while X-Mas shopping, and ended up staying with “him” partying all night. No phone call, just didn’t show up. I’m suppose to believe that?? How many of you would? But still I stayed because I loved him. I was always home. I was not the kind to go out and party. All I knew most of my adult life was my girls and I was always there for them. Then they grew up and moved out to start their own lives and I was excited to start my own. I had looked forward to the freedom that comes with that stage in a parents life. I thought it was finally time for my husband and I to really have our own time together. I was wrong. He ran around more and more while I sat at home waiting. I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 years or so waiting, For what? I have no clue. I finally said “Enough” and filed for divorce. I found a great paying job about 3 hours away, told him I was leaving, filed for divorce and moved. I don't remember him ever asking me to stay. I don't remember him ever telling me not to go that we could work it out, nor did he give me a reason to stay. All this told me was that he wanted me to and I was no longer needed in his life. So I left. I bought a 15 ½ acre farm with a nice house so I could keep my two horses (which are my passion) and thought life would be good. Two months after living in my new place, my employer eliminated my job for financial reasons and I was out of work. This is a very depressed community when it comes to finding a decent paying job so it was/is difficult for me financially. I cashed in my 401K from my previous job to survive. I’ve been divorced for a little over a year now. I still don’t have a decent paying job, but things are starting to look up in that area. My problem is this. I still very much love my ex despite all the bad things that went on in our relationship. My ex says he still loves me too, he, as I, still believe we are soul mates and belong together. We have been seeing each other off and on since the divorce (stupid, I know) but I can’t seem to let him go. He’ll come here for the weekend or I’ll go there. Not the best but sometimes to me it seems better than nothing. He lives back in our old place, still drinking up a storm, partying with his friends, seeing who he wants to see and living his life without me. We’ve talked about getting back together, but the only way that could work is if we both moved to an entirely different place to start over. He’ll never leave his hometown and his friends. This I know for sure, so it’s pretty much all talk & no action. He likes to tell me what he thinks I want to hear so maybe I’ll just keep waiting for him to come around and be available for him when it’s convenient for him. It’s pretty much his way or no way. He wants it all and it’s at my expense. All this I know and still I can’t let go. (What’s wrong with me anyway????) I, on the other hand, sit in my new place, all alone, with no friends, no life and doing nothing. I know this is my fault, my choice but I can’t let him go. I don’t know how. I just don’t. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I have been alone for soooo many years, and just want someone in my life to share things with. To come home to someone who cares about me, wants to be with me, do things with….I dated a guy for a couple of months, but had to break it off because I felt like I was cheating on my ex. It didn’t feel right and it wasn’t fair to him. (the guy I was seeing) He’s too nice to use like that, although that was not my intention I thought I could start over and develop new friendships and maybe find someone to share my time with, but I couldn’t. Sorry this is so long but it’s as short of a version as I could come up with. I could write for days, I’m afraid, but I won’t. Is there anyone out there that has some advice for me? I know I’m not the only who feels this way or has gone through this very same thing. I suffer from seasonal depression and usually it doesn’t hit me till fall, but I’ve been fighting it steady for the past year and feel it’s winning this battle. I don’t have insurance so I can’t “get help”. I’m barely getting by as it is. I need a life. This I know. I need to make friends and move on. I know this too, the problem is; I don’t know how to let go and move on. Please, someone out there tell me how stupid I am to doing to myself the things I have been doing. I’m hanging on to something that can never be again, yet feel there is that glimmer of “hope”. Please convince me there is life after a divorce that I never really wanted to happen. Give me some hope…..
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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First, please try to break your posts up into paragraphs as it makes reading it easier...and you'll get more responses. Some people will open it, see the solid block of text, and close it without reading it through.
Next, no matter where you live, there are social services available for people on low incomes. You may have to drive a bit to the next larger town, but somewhere in your county, there will be a place for you to go to find the help you need with your depression. That needs to be addressed, first. Don't be too proud to ask for help if you need it, especially with something like this that affects many aspects of your life. Once that is done, you will be ready to take the next step.
And that is...don't rely on your ex for anything. Not even a casual date. You can love someone very much, but if they have reached a certain level of bad behavior, lying and cheating especially, you will find it hard to trust him completely again. That leaves you nothing to rebuild your relationship on.
Since horses are your passion, do you think there's any way you can make your own job in that field? How many horses can a 15-1/2 acre farm support? Maybe there are people around who would like to board their horse in your area? Maybe you can give riding lessons? I'm not horse-knowledgable, so if some of my suggestions are naive, please forgive me. But the idea is to take your passion and find a way to make it your work and produce an income.
You've only been divorced a short while, and you admit you still have strong affection for your ex, so starting a romantic relationship with someone new isn't the right thing to do, but there is nothing wrong with making friends. I would really think that being involved with horses would open up a whole world of opportunity to make friends at shows, rodeos, stock sales, etc. I'd say it's up to you to make more of an effort, so at the next horse-related event you go to, your assignment is to speak to someone new FIRST. And if that person ends up being a jerk, well, try it again with someone else. The point is to come away with at least one new friend.
Edited by NancyD (08/04/06 03:36 PM)
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alas
recently joined
Reged: 08/04/06
Posts: 15
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Thank you Nancy.
I am sorry for the format of first entry and thank you for the advice. I will make my future posts more reader friendly.
I am working hard on moving forward and have purchased some very highly recommended self help books which I believe will at the very least, open my eyes to the destructive path I am walking right now. I know I have options, I just need to find the strength to take that first step.
I've also found a small church in my area and plan on attending for the first time this Sunday. I am very much looking forward to that.
In addition, I did some research on the internet and found a divorce support group in my area and plan on attending at least one meeting. The first step is always the hardest, so one baby step at a time.
I don't know any of you out there personally, but have been reading your postings and find a common thread in all. Everyone has problems, some worse than others, so it's a bit of comfort to share thoughts and feelings with those who have "been there-done that".
Thank you in advance to everyone who chooses to share those thoughts with me.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Those are all good, positive steps, and even though you may think they are baby steps, taking the first one is the biggest one you'll have to make. We're all stuck in our ruts, and not being able to make that first push through the inertia of comfort (or semi-comfort) is what holds a lot of people back.
Go to church. Enjoy the sermon, sing the hymns, and if the congregation extends a hand of friendship, smile and extend yours back.
Go to the Divorce support group and don't be concerned that you're new...everyone is new to divorce at those groups. It's amazing what similarities you may hear to your own situation...and then there are a few whose stories will make you hair curl, and you'll think, "Wow, that was awful! Mine doesn't seem so bad in comparison."
And sometimes, after we've made some progress, something pops up that sets us back a few feet. You'll find the recovery from those is easier with time and experience.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Alas,
I don't know if anyone has the answers. I don't know if there is ever a time when the answers come to you. There are something we will just never know or understand.
As Nancy said all of the things that you are doing are positive steps and will make things easier. You already know that if he isn't going to change then you can't make it. I know what it feels like to lose your soulmate. We were only together for 3 years (and not married) and it took me damn near a year to get to a place where I wanted to move on without him. Thankfully I'm there now and moving forward everyday.
I think that you are already healthier than you realize. Keep posting here and doing the other things you are doing. My divorce happened 5 years ago and I've made some friends on this board that I'd no longer know how to live without. You will too. I mostly come here now to help others although there are times when I need advice also.
(((HUGS)))---Debi
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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Alas, we have all been there to one degree or another, and it does get better...
The key is keeping busy so you don't have time to think about the what ifs and what might have beens...
Have you thought about getting a roomate? That would help not only with the financial situation, but also you wouldn't be alone.
Is there a college in your area? Take some classes that are of special interest to you. Not only will the homework keep you busy, but you will also meet others.
I am not proud to admit it, but I did the same thing with my ex as you are doing. After awhile it makes you feel used and even worse. Put an end to it.
Are there any sports you always wanted to take up but never got around to it? Golf is fun, or maybe jogging or softball. The possiblities are endless believe it or not.
I had a list on my refridgerator of the 50 things I wanted to do before I died. It was a good starting point. The list is still there, and a bit closer to completion then before.
Just hang in there...there are a lot of people here who can give you good advice...
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alas
recently joined
Reged: 08/04/06
Posts: 15
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Hello Nancy, Debi & Nrvouswrk!
Many thanks to you all for the words of encouragement and ideas. I feel better already for having posted my story to "the world" so to speak. It is there for anyone to read so I guess it's fitting. I've found that just putting the words down in black and white helps me see the things that I shouldn't be doing, allowing the things to happen to me that I am allowing and most of all, if this were the writing of someone else, I could think of a million things to say to this person about the hurt and humiliation these actions could cause. Sadly, for most of us, it's easier to give advice than it is to take it, especially when it's our own.
Nrvouswrk - as far as college goes, I'm looking into that. At this time I am in the running for a new job that I have been waiting for-for several months. I have already been through the initial phone interview and am waiting to see if I get the personal interview, which they will be starting this week. I feel I have as good of a chance as anyone, with 15 1/2 yrs experience in the field and it's a great, stable company to work for, excellent benefits and fairly good pay with room to move up. They also offer tuition reimbursement, which is what I plan on taking advantage of if hired. I'd like to go back and get my Bachelors in Business. At my previous job, they offered college courses right there at work, Mon & Tues eve. I started with one class and ended up doing the entire degree. My company paid for my ASS in Supervisory Management. It took me 5 years, but the credits I've acquired are transferable to the bachelors and heck, who wouldn't take the free education?? It truly was a life saver for me to be involved in the learning process again, the on-going challenges and having been out of school for 25 years, just to go back and know that I could still learn and finish with a GPA of 3.89 was the most amazing thing for me. I felt I was really worth something, that I really wasn't a dumb as my ex had me believing and that I could do anything! Once I put my mind to it. Knowing all of this has helped rebuild my self esteem and self worth, and am hoping all works out to be able to continue forward along that path. That's really about the only way I could afford to go back to school at this point.
As far as a roommate goes, it's possible, but unlikely. I live 25 miles from the "city" and most people don't want to rent that far out of town. I love it out here, love the privacy, the solitude and my space. I do have a semi finished basement that would make a pretty decent living space for someone, however, it would cost a small fortune to replace the windows to make them egress code and I think I'd have to put another exit in somehow. I did check into that some time ago. So at this time, it's not feasible.
I have put the word out for horse boarding. I have about 10 acres of good pasture and have experience with the business, but so far, with all the other horse people around, there hasn't been anyone in need.
I really like this idea of internet chats, it's fun to be able to communicate with others. It feels safe and is very comforting.
Can I ask where any of you are from? Or is that a no-no?
I do tend to chat up a storm sometimes, and for that I apologize. I get very lonely out here and it just feels good to have people to converse with. It's just who I am.
Please feel free to tell me to "shut-up" or keep it shorter if need be, I will not be offended.
Thanks again to you all. Your thoughts and input are sincerely appreciated.
P.S. I like the list idea. I had one once...not sure what happened to it, but I'm sure it wouldn't fit into the "new" life that I need to create for myself so it's time to start a new one! Thanks for the reminder!
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Some people don't mind posting where they're from, and you can sometimes find it over on the left, under their name (see, I'm from New York). Every once in a while, we have a role call and let other posters know a little bit about ourselves.
I live in the greater New York City metropolitan area...which is about a 30-40 mile radius around NYC...spans parts of New Jersey, New York, and southern Connecticut.
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Your life seems like a dream to me. If you are serious about a room-mate, and want someone to muck out stalls, curry horses, pick out hooves etc. a farm girl, with income (and I do have some bucks), is more than interested.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I'm really serious.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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But could you bring your view of the sea with you? :)
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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This is my beach (mine!!). I could bring a picture ....maybe a jar of sand. :)
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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drat. Will try again with pic.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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alas
recently joined
Reged: 08/04/06
Posts: 15
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Hey CaymanCanuck!
How could you possibly think my life is like a dream? I live in northern North Dakota where the winter temps sometimes dip to 20-40 below zero!! How many times does it get that cold there in the Cayman Islands?? I've been to Aruba and love it there. I could live there forever. I'm a warm weather climate kind of girl, but I've lived in MN/ND pretty much all my life and this is where my family is so I stay. Now that I'm on my own, how much fun would I have living in a dream place like that alone??
If you are truly serious send me an e-mail and we'll chat. Although I can't imagine for the life of me why you'd want to come here when you've got what you've got there!
How about I bring my horses to your place and we could all be happy?!! LOL
I think it would be wonderful to have a roommate, if I could find the right person. It would have to be someone who loves horses, dogs & cats, (I have 2 horses-a 14 yr old purebred qtr horse & a 6 yr old registered paint, 2 dogs-a Doberman and a German Short Hair pointer and a cat!) You'd have to love to ride because I can only ride one horse at a time and it's so much more fun riding with someone else. You'd also have to like country living because I live 24 miles from "the city" which is Grand Forks, kind of out in the middle of nowhere. I have one neighbor about an 1/8 of a mile from me the next closest is about 2 miles and that's the way I like it. The people around here are wonderful & helpful but aren't knocking on my door every Sat or Sun a.m. to 'have coffee'. I like company, but at my choosing. I'm 45 yrs old and am a bit set in my ways, but am open to new things now that my life allows for that.
I can't offer you a great view, except of my pasture and horses, but to me, that's one of the prettiest sights I'll ever see, the two of them running with heads up and tails flying...and them playing. It's heaven to me. So even tho I can't offer a million dollar view of the ocean, I can offer the beauty of another kind.
"We see in life what we want to see, the simplest things are the best to me"
If you're really serious, and I can't truly can't imagine what I could offer you here that could even begin to compare with what you have there, write to me.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Alas
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alas
recently joined
Reged: 08/04/06
Posts: 15
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Hello everyone!
Just wanted to share the good news!
I got the job that I have been waiting for since the first of April!!! It was truly worth the wait in every way too, so for those of you out there job hunting, hang in there, the right one WILL come along. You just have to believe...
I have also moved forward, with the help of some of you out there, in my life with my ex. He's out of the picture for good now! I got the last of my things from his place, with the help of my two wonderful daughters. No contact with him other than the phone call to let him know they would be by to pick the stuff up. Needless to say, he was not happy. He really thought he'd be able to "have it all" with me being on his "all list", but sorry, 'ain't happenin' and I feel very good about it. I've purged myself of him finally. That's not to say my life is perfect, it never will be, but is sure is a heck of a lot better!!
I am still planning on going to the divorce support classes starting the 11th of Sept. because I want to make sure I am truly where I want and need to be. I still have the need to be around people who have "been there, done that" and if I can help one other person make it through the day, then I will have accomplished a good thing.
So thank you everyone out there. I love the thoughts and ideas and gut wrenching honesty that is posted here. I'm tired of being in mourning and ready to take the next tiny baby step forward!
Alas
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