lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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The end has begun. He left last night and stayed the night with her while our son laid in bed and waited for daddy to come home until after 1, he finally fell asleep because daddy never came back. I am very very very hurt but more for my children. He wanted to tell him good night but he wouldn't answer his phone.
I talked to him this morning and he told me that he was moving this weekend, hopefully the truth. I am defeated, tired and sick of fighting for nothing. I will let it go, vent, and let it go. Him moving will help my healing and I am ready for it to begin. I just wonder how long I have to feel this way. :'(
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Did you call him or did he call you, girl?? And, where is he moving? In with the b1tch?
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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liftnbhappy
journeyman
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
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Hi Isutton. I am so sorry that you are going through this emotional hell. Nothing anyone can say to you makes you feel any better for long. No matter how much you vent it never seems to be enough or it only feels better for a short period of time. The reality of it all is that the only person that can make that pain go away is your jerk of a husband. He is the only one who can validate your feelings and apologize for his behavior. And you have to come to the conclusion that he probably won't do those things for a very long time if ever. So you have to find that consolation in yourself for now.
Your husband is an a$$hole. Not only is he hurting you but he is causing your children pain as well. That is what you need to focus your attention on right now. Go to the library get as many books as you can about helping your children cope. Get some books on moving on with your own life. But don't sell yourself short and think that you have no right to grieve. This is the death of a marriage. Something that made you feel safe, wanted and secure. What happens next is extremely scary. You have no idea what the future holds and all you want to do is kick and scream and get him to realize what he has and what he is losing and get him to change his mind. But the truth again is that probably won't happen. He's made up his mind for now. There is little you can do about that but you can save your dignity and save yourself from feeling ashamed of your behavior.
If he chooses to act like that with the children then so be it. There is not a damn thing you can do about it unfortunately. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. They will realize even in their pain that you are their rock and you are the one who is there for them. Just be that rock. Give them some vestule of hope that life hasn't been a lie. They feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them. Not only is dad gone and ignoring them and choosing some other woman over them but mom is in the corner losing her mind and can't hold a conversation with them. You went from being the fortress holder to a child yourself. That is more confusing to them. Be strong for them. I KNOW how hard it is to do. Believe me, push yourself through the motions. You have to. It is the ONLY way to get through this. Getting on with your own life and being that same great mom to your kids is what you HAVE to do. So do it.
When you are alone at night you can cry. Listen your sad songs, write down your feelings. If you need someone to hold then grab one of those babies and hold on for dear life. They need it just as much as you do right now.
You are going to get through this. I know you are so sick of hearing that and all you want to say to that is f**k off I won't be fine. But you are stronger than you think. Get up and brush off your knees and elbows. We can all do this. We don't want to, no one wants to. No one wants to work and pay bills either but we do.
Him moving away will help. Not having to face him everyday will help. Don't romance in your head what his life is like with her. It doesn't help anyone. It will only make you sick, pi$$ed off and cause you more pain and you are making much more happiness out of the situation than there is.
You got the better deal. You got the kids and the house. It's hard to realize that is the better deal when you have to deal with all these emotions and still try to play mom while he is off having a grand ole time at your expense. But in the end you won.
Keep your chin up.
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AnneB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/21/05
Posts: 3645
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You said it all perfectly--you must have been through all of it like we have. Well said.
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Brilliantly put, LNBH. One of the best posts I've ever read.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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lsutton... do you belong to a church? I'm not a big fan of organized religion BUT they can help you if you let them. I just noticed that none of your posts mention a church, pastor, etc....
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Good idea rocketgirl. A lot of pastors know where to go to get temporary help plus some of them have a "slush" fund too. I know our church does.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Today I was in the depths of despair. After I posted this morning I went into a haze, I sent goodbye emails, left work looking for a bridge to drive off of. I couldn't find one and went to church, the doors were locked but someone came out and let me in. I just went in a cried and prayed alone, to tell the truth I felt no comfort. So I went home refused to answer the phone until the ringing drove me insane and it was just him telling me what an idiot I am.
I came very close to doing the unthinkable, now I am glad I didn't go through with it. But if I ever get to the point again I don't know what will happen. I called and left a message for my doctor. I had some friends over and talked and cried until I couldn't do it anymore.
The thing that gets me more then anything is why?? He isn't nice to me at all, he could be at times but in 12 years very few times. Why do I even miss him, why do I even care what he does or with who? Everyone says one minute, hour, day at a time. But I just keep thinking about what will happen when the baby comes. How it will be between us then, what will happen. Will I have to relive all of this all over again? I knkow I shouldn't think this far ahead but my mind keeps wandering into places that it shouldn't go.
Today was a bad bad bad day that I refuse to go into detail over as it hurts to think about what I came so close to doing. I hope to never return to that again in my life.
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I'm glad you called your doctor and your friends. Hopefully they'll take action on your behalf to get some help for you.
If you are really considering suicide (let's dispense with euphemisms, shall we) then you need more help than this board can offer right now.
You need to get some competent, professional help.
Do it now.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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There is life after divorce....if I would have known what was waiting for me...it would have been some much easier to get through. But we don't have a crystal ball and most of us are not psycic...just trust those of us who have been divorced....you will survive...and life is soooo much better when you finally heal. Your children need you.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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It is a cliche, but every end is a new begining. It depends on what you make of it.
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Laineann
addict
Reged: 10/18/05
Posts: 604
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I am glad that you didn't find any bridges. A lot of people in your shoes have probably thought about the same thing at one time or another. Please do talk to somebody, I did, I had a counselor. I had friends.
I know how it feels to feel like there is no hope. I know how it feels to feel the hurt, anger and rage that you are feeling. I lost 56 pounds in 8 weeks and for a long time, I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours a night.
My counselor tried to get me to go on anti-depressents. I chose not to. Alcoholism and drug addiction runs in my family, so I didn't want any kind of pill. For some people they work miracles for. I don't know if pregnant women can take anything like that.
But you need to start looking out for yourself. Please. Good Luck.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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Make someone move in with you who can help you.
Make sure to get all the help you can get. There is a lot of help out there. There are a lot of possibilities.
If you ever get close to feeling like this again, force yourself to think about your kids. Do you want them to grow up traumatized for life, because all their mother cared about was THEIR FATHER, and again THEIR FATHER, and again THEIR FATHER, and ONLY THEIR FATHER; I know someone whose mother killed herself, and I know kids whose mother attempted suicide. If you ever go down that road, know that that's the worst pain EVER to think the person you loved and depended upon - existentially and emotionally - just left you and did not give sh*t about what would happen to you. You condemn your husband for that , but you would turn yourself into a carbon copy of him, if you gave in to this selfish urge to be at peace. Actually you'd be worse than him, because you are 32 and you can find another man. They are helpless kids and a mother can NEVER EVER be replaced by ANYONE. Nothing ever would be able to heal their pain.
In a moment of despair, you might think that if you kill yourself, people would only see your incredible pain and they would think HE MADE HER DO IT , and maybe you even fool yourself into believing that at least THEN he would be crushed and die with remorse and pain. But the opposite will happen, people will only see the pain of your kids and they will say no wonder he left such a selfish, sick, immature person, and he will feel like 'what did I say!'. Don't make him look like a saint who had no choice but to leave a sick, selfish woman who spins out of control in moments of stress and crisis. This is not who you want to be. This is not who you ARE. Use all the resources you can get.
Your life is not over, just because you married a jerk like many other women out there. Your life is just beginning. Things happen for a reason. Often the reason is that things need to become better and something's got to give and break away so that there is room for something new and better.
By the way I know a woman who met the love of her life in a delivery room, he saved the life of her kid and was in every aspect just a dream. They are still very very happy and very much in love.
Hang in there.
Edited by HO2 (09/07/06 08:45 AM)
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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LSutton,
When I read your post about your thoughts I had mixed emotions about it.
First I understand exactly where you were and why. I've been there walking the fine line, the edge of life and death. It sounds so dramatic to someone who has never been there. It's a very dark and lonely place to be. Going to the church may not have given you comfort but it shows you still have faith. I'm sorry you walked the edge yesterday but I'm glad you didn't fall off.
Second, although I understand where your were, I felt a tad bit irritated because as some members of this board already know, my best friend of 35 years has been dealt a pretty shi++y hand this year. Her daughter's fiancee died in Jan from an overdose. In March her husband tried to kill himself but failed. He blew off half of his face (because she left him) and lived . She didn't go back BUT she was there several times a day caring for him because he can't see now. He can't eat food now because he doesn't have a mouth yet. Skin graphs aren't taking so she is still cleaning wounds and stuff. As if that isn't enough, on Monday night her 16 yo son hung himself and like his father he didn't die (yet). He jumped from a tree to hang himself and she found him. He broke his neck and because she couldn't get him down by herself, he lost a lot of oxygen while the emergency crew was in route. IF he lives he will have brain damage and paralysis.
I think I'm trying to make a couple of points here. One is, when you think your life sucks, know there are others out there who suffer more and have much more than divorce to cope with. I know, I know...it's an incredibly painful process and it hurts you terribly but escaping life is not the right answer. Second point is, if you try to kill yourself, think about what might happen if you don't succeed and they save you and make you live a life maimed or brain dead. Think about how your kids will suffer.
Seeing what my friend has been though in the last 9 months breaks my heart but it also makes me know how selfish my past thoughts were.
Before this year, I never thought of surviving suicide. You hear about people surviving, getting their stomach pumped, getting therapy, moving on...but you rarely if ever hear someone survived and became totally disabled and dependant on someone else to care for them.
This man has worn you down but I believe you are strong enough to not let him keep you down.
I didn't really want to post that story on the board because I don't want people to think I'm trying to gain empathy from someone else's pain but I think you needed to read it.
All of your "why" questions may never be answered. Only he knows the answers but he'll never give you a truthful answer and he'll never say he didn't treat you well because he thinks in his pea brain he treated you like a Queen. You have to move beyond wondering why and now focus on "how"...how will I get through this, how will I help my kids, how, how, how...and get those answers. They are way more important than trying to figure him out.
Stay on the board and write to us when you feel this way.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
Edited by BB1 (09/07/06 05:56 AM)
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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If you kill yourself your kids will be brought up by your husband. They will probably never see your parents or family.
I understand your dispair, I really do. We have all walked that fine line and have a pretty good idea about how you are feeling.
What makes me smirk (if I may) is the StupidMan calling to tell you (yet again!) what an idiot you are. Hmmmm, now why is he so keen to stay in touch with you to remind you how he feels? And who really cares?
He is just stupid. That is all. And he is trying very hard to pull away from you yet he seems like he wants to drag you along with him. What is the sense in that? The next time he xalls just tell him "So you say... the last time and the time before that and the time before that as well. Who are you rrying to convince? You or me? Because I get it. The question is...do you? Stop calling me or I will get a restraining order. You may call me about the kids and that is all. You are not speaking to me like this anymore. I refuse to listen." Click.
Certainly go to your doctor and get some medication to clear the fog. Iy works.
God was there yesterday, he was there for someone to let you into the church in your moment of extreme pain so you would be safe from yourself.
I think you hit rock bottom yesterday and now the slow long climb out to the sun. Sure in a few months things will be rough but you will be in a better state of mind to deal with things. He may have even wanted back in to your life.
We miss the familiar, We miss what we lwaernt was our 'normal'. As Dr Phil says "You have to learn your new normal".
Keep strong sweetie. Be brave.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Thank you all for your replies, I am trying to get out from under his control. It is much harder then I thought it would ever be. I am so sorry to hear all your friend is going through BB. Makes mine looks very minimal, which in the grand scheme of live I guess they really are.
I need him to be there for the kids but I don't need him there for me. It's all the questions or everything and you are all so right, there is no answer for any of it. I hope today is better.
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mommachele
addict
Reged: 04/11/06
Posts: 424
Loc: Utah
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Hi Lsutton,
I have been quietly reading your posts and praying for you and your littles ones, specially your unborn gift. I am responding to this just because I wanted to let you know that people really do care.
In the post you said you went to church but felt no comfort...maybe not immediate, but 1. you didn't find a bridge...2. you called in reinforcements to help you as it is hard to do alone and they were there and came to your aide ...3..you are putting out there for the universe to hear and help you, and even though you didnt get an immediate feeling of all is going to be okay...you are! and will continue to be...Sometimes the answers to our prayers are not instantaneous but, they are answered whether by a feeling or people who are right here, right now to love and support you and maybe even just to give you a special hug. Just gotta look to see you are being heard.
I will keep praying and I hope you do the same and please keep tryiing to stay strong, that little one you are caring for internally right now feels your pain and hurt but, can also feel your love...Choose yourself and your babes over him...love them more than you hate him...trust that your prayers and the prayers of us that are praying for you will be answered...
BIG BIG BEAR HUGS
Chele
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mommachele
addict
Reged: 04/11/06
Posts: 424
Loc: Utah
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I sent you a PM with the "Getting It" article. I copied it from this site when someone else posted it a while back and I saved it and when things get rough I read it...Hope it helps...
Hugs
Chele
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Thank you so much. I know everyone that has given advice is correct, I know I am better off without him, I know that I will be fine in the end. It's just believing and feeling all those things. I am exhausted today, I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I actually slept good last night.
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