lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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So I guess this is the whole ups and downs, atleast I am getting a few ups but I am at a down again. My oldest daughter wanted to go and stay with him again tonight of course I said yes and so did he. I know I should be happy they are spending some much needed time together but I am frustrated with the whole thing and not sure who or what I am frustrated at which makes it worse.
Earlier tonight I really wanted him back home, back in my life as a husband (not that he would agree) and as the night wears on I think of the movie Hope Floats and how I got the best of him already and those are the kids. It is such a mix of emotion I am not sure which way to lean or even if I have to lean one way or the other right now.
The house has been so peaceful and being able to do things as I feel like doing them or doing more then normal I truly enjoy that part. I am not sure what I am missing about him but for sure it's something. It would be nice to sort of half way decide who I am supposed to feel.
Everyone says "oh give it time he will be back, look at where he is now" but I don't feel that way, not that I would even take him back but that he would even want to come back. To much time and energy is being spent on thinking of him and where I am supposed to go with these emotions. Thank goodness I can vent.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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You can't change the past. You CAN change your future. I know it's difficult to imagine a future right now. We've all been there. Don't let him get the best of the situation. Lots of people here told me "fake it till you make it". You'll get there, it just doesn't seem that way right now. It seems all tumbled up. Slowly, the world will spin the right way again. The sky will be above you. Your life will not only go on, but be better than it is, or than it was.
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I know everything everyone is saying in here is right as you have all been or are going through it. As you can tell I am not a very patient person which I blame completely on genetics. It is just so hard, I just want to shake him or something, I hope that he learns in time what an idiot he was for doing all of this. Because by then I am sure it will be too late for us. I have been soooo nice to him just like his best friend. I don't know what else to do right now I guess nothing just get through it all.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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Believe it or not, he will realize it even though he probably won't admit it to you.
He is now going to miss out on all the everyday events in his kid's lives. He may have a new honey now, but let's face it, it is one thing having a cheating man all to yourself...it is another sharing him with 4 kids.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. But, would you want him back now anyway? After what he's done? Could you ever trust him again? My ex cheated on me-with a very close friend. I'm now much better off than I was a year ago. I have more friends, but one that I haven't spoken to in a year. His loss-not mine. You have no one to convince-except yourself-that it WILL be better.
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I am working on trying to convince myself, weekends are hard. Better that he has moved, but still very very hard. It is just hard to have to deal with him all the time, I know that will keep happening since we have all the kids but that makes it so much harder to let go. I don't think I could be with him again. Sometimes I convince myself that I could but I don't think it would ever work for us again. That part is very painful. I pray alot for the strength to get through this but somedays I just don't think I can go one more minute.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Instead of adding to the number of times I felt sad or the eternal weekends of loneliness drifting into the distant future I started counting down. One less time I would cry, one less weekend to get through before I felt different.
Now the thing is the only person who knows the time frame is God (or whatever higher power you believe in). There is a finite number on your times of sadness, times of crying, times of feeling lost. You will recover and it will involve x amount iof bad times. You just need to have faith and trust in yourself that it will happen.
And the worst thing ANYONE can do is rush out and get involved with someone else when they have other parts of their life in turmoil.
Expect your stbx to make overtures about maybe coming back. Right now he is i the honeymoon stage. He can breath a sigh of relief and just do what he wants. But as life settles down and the kids are not so available to make daddy feel better or they are calling him at times when he does not want interuptions he will get the reality slap in the face. When he comes home to an empty house and calls the kids to talk to them and you guys are not home he will have to entertain himself. THIS is when he may want to come back to his 'family'. However taking him back will put you in the same place in 8 months time.
One thing you may want to look at is starting to look at a parenting plan so you and your stbx come up with some idea of what boundaries you set up for each other. In time it will be neccessary. Alternating weekends, what days during the week your stbx has the kids and if there will be midweek overnights (is he available to get them to school etc). Right now the kids are craving contact with both of you and their talk about how great it is at dads is their way of assuring themselves that things are not really all that bad and things are OK and they are OK and and...they are verbally expressing they are coping in some way but they need to check up on their dad often.
Be strong. You will get through this.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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I know it's tough, especially with kids. My EX had me arrested, and I went from seeing my son every day; kissing him good bye in the morning, playing with him & putting him to be at night, to not seeing him for just shy of 2 months. It was hell. He tells me things about my EX's BF-things I really don't want to hear. Plus, my EX tells me things they do-I know she tells me to get me wound up, because they're things that she knows I want to do with my son. Vindictive. Anyway, I'm telling you this, because I know what you're feeling, and I know it sucks. I also know that before you know it, you'll start seeing things from a different perspective, and not thinking about what good times you had, but you'll remember the bad times, whether they be fights & arguments, or just "no feeling" tims. It will come.
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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WEll I am just glad the weekend it almost over and I can get back to the routine atleast for the week.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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A friend keeps telling me that my strength is his weakness and today I actually saw it. He came to take one of the boys to get a haircut and just stayed and talked for awhile about nothing really. Then he says why do you have to be so nice to me. I just laughed I didn't respond with words. Funny how seeing him in that light doesn't make him so attractive anymore.
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