lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Today I finally found out that they are for sure an item. I already really knew it but I went to far and called her. She wouldn't talk but she called him and he told me everything. It was terrible to hear but I am glad I know. I now know there is no reason to pursue him except for being a father to his children. It was a terrible ugly nasty fight and I am glad it is out of the way.
I also went to the doctor today and got some medication hopefully to help with all of this and got some counseling. I came home and called to reconcile (only the parental part of it) and I am glad that I did. I want to be able to get along for the children. It is so hard to keep going every day and hasn't lightened up at all. But hopefully in time it will slowly get better.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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It is still one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I have to learn to accept the fact after 12.5 years and almost 5 children he has moved on. It is terribly painful but it is good to know for sure that we are finished. Atleast I can focus now on the kids (that I should've been doing all along) and not so much on winning him back. I know I know why would I want him anyway, who knows but I did.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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I am so sorry. I really am. Nothing hurts more than the man you had such dreams with (despite the bad times) treating you like this. Your whole purpose for living becomes a bit of a joke.
Yes you live for your kids but you know deep down that one day the kids will grow up and lead their own lives. And your role as a wife comes to an almighty screeching halt.
I am glad you went to the doctor and got some medication. And as we are winding down to the end of the year, make sure you are still covered under someone's medical insurance.
I am sure she did not expect you to call her and probably is nagging him to 'keep that crazy b1tchy away from me!" Because he would not have told her what a great woman and mother you are. She is basically an excuse to leave you and once you accept her (at least to his face) as a fixture in his life, the faster he will discover what she is really like.
One thing to stipulate in your parenting plan may be no overnighters of the opposite sex unless they are related by blood or marriage. Of course this will work both ways but in the meantime it will mean your kids are not exposed to their father's foolishness.
Be a brave soldier. Yes, it is hard and lonely but we got thru it in one piece. And keep writing in that journal. If he calls, don't get into any kind of conversation other than pick up and drop off of the kids. It saves your sanity.
It also lets him see that he has drawn his line in the sand and no way are you crossing it no matter what kind of invitation he offers.
I am sending strong thoughts and prayers to you tonight. I know your pain. I havew been there. Confronted with the ghastly truth is so damned difficult that you wish he does serious damage to his back and makes him into an invalid and suffer from ED for a long long time. (ED = Erectile dysfunction). But he can still work.
Just remember, he will treat her like all the rest of the women in his life. What a silly stupid cow she is thinking she is the one who will keep him happy.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
Edited by KiwiGirl (09/15/06 08:33 PM)
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focusedon2
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/10/05
Posts: 2136
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My prayers are going out to you as well.
Kiwigirl's comments are right on the money.
Why would you want him? Because you had a life together and because he's the father of your children and because you were a faithful wife.
As much as it hurts, it's good to know that you shouldn't continue to waste your time on gaining him back. Now you can focus not only on your children but also on yourself. Your children need you to love yourself so that you can really love them.
Hang in there.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Kiwi, you crack me up. How many men have you actually put the ED curse on? I know it didn't work on my x SO so could you try concentrating on that one a little more? ? LOL
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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He called me this monring and I just had the kids talked to him of course he asked how is you mom? They told him just fine. The question of all questions right now. Next Saturday we have tickets to go and see Rodney Carrington (I love him) we got these a long time ago, do I go to this??? I have my ticket and he has his, I don't know what to do about this one. I have accepted that he is with her and I don't think he likes that I don't want to play the game anymore. He can have her, she can have him. I don't want to chase something that doesn't even want me. That is just silly to me. Yes it hurts terribly but I can't do anything about it but move on with my life.
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mtdew
member
Reged: 07/08/06
Posts: 133
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[quote] do I go to this??? [/quote]
I would not. He probably won't show up either but he might and he might have found a ticket for OW. Do you really want to be subjected to that?
Is it reserved seating? If so, I would make it my mission to find the loudest, most obnoxious person I could and give them the ticket just in case he shows up.
By the way, I've noticed that when STBX asks how I am my response determines his. If I seem down, he is all happy and well. If I say fine or great then he is down or tired. Of course I'm always "fine" when he asks now.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Give yours to a homeless person who hasn't brushed their teeth or bathed for several weeks.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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It is reserved seating, great idea I already have someone in mind that could go in my place. HA
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I still don't think they is ever going to subside. He was supposed to get the kids last night but decided he was going to make other plans. AHHHHH. I don't know what to do about any of this, it just keeps getting worse.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Until you have the legalities sorted out with a parenting plan intact, you are going to be at his mercy. So what to do?
Well, when he calls to cancel just say "Thanks for letting me know." And hang up. Then tell the kids something has come up and Dad will not be picking them up tonight. If they ask 'why???' give the honest and truthful asnwer of "I don't know. He said something else came up."
The whole point is to avoid ANY risk of being accused of alienation. And it also gives the kids the direction where to direct their questions. If they are insistent you CAN get a little terse with them and tell them "Look, I am sorry but Dad doesn't keep me up to date with his life. Why not call him and ask him why?"
It is far better the kids learn now how much they can rely on their father. It took 5 years before my kids can trust their dad again and they all spent time living 24/7 with him. And even now they find it difficult to trust him 100% to turn up or call.
He will bring about his own destruction. All you can do is document his calls and the times he picks the kids up and for how long. If it ends up in court and he says "I never got to see the kids. She always told me they couldn't come over. I tried to stay in contact and she is so obstructive." You can respond with "Well, on Sept 16 he called me at 5pm and said he had other plans and could not collect our children at 6pm like he had previously planned. On August 23 it was our son's birthday and he did not call until the following day. He did not call for the week of Sept 16 - 21."
Make sure you can get a copy of all incoming and outgoing calls from your local carrier.
I know it is frustrating but you should let him hang himself. He certainly has enough rope to do so.
PS: ALWAYS ALWAYS refer to the the kids as 'our' children. It sounds inclusive and that you are willing to work with him.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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mtdew
member
Reged: 07/08/06
Posts: 133
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You need to start documenting stuff like this. I made a spreadsheet with his parenting time on it, what time he picked them up, brought them back and his excuse if he didn't get them.
I don't argue with STBX when he does this. I just tell him to do whatever he feels he needs to do. It is hard on the kids to be stood-up but you can't make him take them and arguing about it just creates more stress for everybody.
You can't force him to have a good relationship with your kids. All you can do is be there for your kids yourself.
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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Yep...document every time he breaks a promise to the kids in case he tries to spin it saying it was you who wouldn't cooperate. Good point, Dot! I have forgotten so much of the to do's. A diary/journal - like Wed, Sept. 20, kids were with him, came home in xxx mood, said dad text gf all night - and the good stuff too - xxx mood, dad took them for icecream. documenting it all gives you good facts for a true analysis.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I guess that is what I need to do. I am just having a real hard time letting go of him. I thought it would be easier now that I know he has someone but it is not at all. It will be three weeks on Tuesday and I dont' feel any better at all about anything.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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For me, having the suspicion of OW confirmed was double edged sword. One one hand, I was glad to know who it was... a local woman who lived less than a mile from us... and one of the regulars at same bars he was. Somehow, it helped me know it was someone with different life values than mine.
On the other hand... finding out who it was... was hard emotionally. WOuld have been better perhaps, if she had been a complete stranger that did not live in the same town. . When we moved to this town 22 years ago it was a small sleepy village. I went to work for the village 2 years later and did not take long to learn about the residents , I worked at the police dept. for the first 10 years. Then transferred to city hall and learned even more. OW does not have a good rep around town... committed adultery against her husband, and then continued on to mine after going through many other men.
Although the population growth here has been tremendous (from 3000 in 84 to almost 20,000 now), working were I do, I knew the address within a few house of where OW lived. After being told she and my then husband were seen together, I drove by her house, and there was one of his vehicles parked in the drive. Could nto sleep that night, so drove by again around 3 am... his car still there.
It was confirmed... and in the long run, it was good to know who it was. On the other hand, I had to endure dealing with her when she would come into city hall, and seek me out to deliver her complaints to. This happened before I knew she was OW and after. Before I knew, she came in with a complaint on change in water billing (3 months after the change) and really was nasty. In retrospect, I think she was trying to anger me so that I would be rude to her and thus give her a reason to file a complaint against me to the city manager. I am too much of a professional to let any residents complaints get to me and so was nothing but kind and helpful.
Knowing who it was meant I could now scope out restaurant parking lots etc... and if saw either of their vehicles there would not go in. For me, it was easier to not have to encounter them together at that point.
It took me a lot longer than 3 weeks from when he left to feel better, and took over a year to find out the identity of OW. From that point.... I decided I was not going to try to work out details and file as dissolution of marriage... instead I finally, after 20 months of that... filed for divorce. Best financial move I made.
We all want to start feeling better ASAP... but that moves at its own pace it seems... hang in there. Have as little contact with him as possible.. don't call her again... be honest with your kids ... I see nothing wrong is repeating his words to you to your kids when he calls and gives a reason he will not be picking them up. Just be cautious that the tone of your voice is not angry or that you add any other words, other than something came up. Let them grill him about what came up.
Good advice on the documenation... cannot hurt and probably will help in the legal process. For many of us, it helps emotionally to write things down.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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This is a girl he used to work with, I don't know her but I know of her. I have no idea what she likes like but no her lifestyle is as opposite as mine as could be. She parties, no kids and just very very different. I understand that he wants something new and different. I just hope it is worth all of this. If just hurts to know how she must really be that important to him, so important to pick her over his children.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Think of it this way. Your best "revenge" is letting him have her and letting her have him. Both of them lack character and integrity or he wouldn't have gone outside of his marriage and she wouldn't have taken up with a married man. They deserve each other and the average "life span" for relationships of that type is two years. Then they'll have nothing, especially him.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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That makes me feel a little better. I just can't figure out what kind of woman would pursue someone married and what kind of man would allow it.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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I think you can figure out what type of people they BOTH are. And they are not anyone I would want around me.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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lushmadcow
recently joined
Reged: 08/29/06
Posts: 9
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Is there such a thing as monogomy in a married relationship?
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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You are SO bad, curmudge. lol lol
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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