rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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It's been five years for me being divorced. My x remarried thirty days after the divorce was final, but I was the one who originally sought the divorce due to abuse.
His marriage now is not going too well and he is miserable.
I have dated some, but just haven't found someone special to share my kids with. It's taken me a long time to heal and be happy.
My kids come home from visiting their dad and they are in peril because life over there is "unbearable" according to them. Step mom yells at them, tells them they are to blame for their problems, they also blame me for their woes because of child support. Wife is still in school and will be till Feb. it's taking her a year and a half to finish her Beauty college, all at their dad's expense, plus taking care of her kids cs because she has no custody.
My problem is, I acutally feel sorry for the guy. I feel bad especially for my kids. I don't want the moron back, he was abusive, but why am I feeling sorry for the guy?
I am so ready to start a new fresh relationship. Every part of my life is squared away, and it would be really nice to share my life with someone. So I guess I have two things going on here...............
1. I feel sorry for the X.
2. I can't seem to allow myself the chance to let someone into my life.
I am beginning to think somehow these two things might be related. For the longest time I wouldn't allow someone in my life because my kids needed my full attention. Now, they are 15 and 11 and things are changing
Gosh, life is good but I am confused.
Just wondering if anyone else out there has or had a similar situation.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I understand, as at one time I had similar feelings, but more towards the beginning of my separation. After all, this is the father of your children, you did love him at one time and you do share these children, who you brought into the world together. That is a tie that will always connect you to each other some how.
I was feeling badly at one point that he didn't have our children in his life every day, so I would do whatever I could to help him out with visitation. At one point he also called and needed my help while he was sick , claiming he had no one else to call. I quickly reverted right back to trying to take care of him. I wanted to "rescue" and "fix" things for him. I had to catch myself, because his life was the way it was, because of his own bad choices. I needed to remind myself of that.
It isn't your fault how his life is now. He made the decision to marry quickly, instead of healing and doing the work he needed to do on himself first. He's now in a new relationship that sounds like it isn't going very well. Of course, this affects your children and that must be hard for you too. But ultimately, his life is no longer yours, except for how it affects your children. You deserve to move on, make a new life and find happiness. You cannot fix things for him or put your life on hold now out of possibly some sort of guilt. These were his choices, you have your own choices to make and your own life to go live now. It's okay to move on and let go, in fact it's necessary for your own emotional well-being.
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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He's been a part of your life for at least 15 years and will always be a part of your childrens' lives.
The ex was absolutely toxic both before, during and still is long after (12 years) the divorce. She already had husband the next in the wings before we separated. They married and she spent 10 years severely alienating my two youngest children from me.
Her husband was killed in a car accident three and a half years after they married. She frittered away money from the divorce and money from his death. She owes taxes on over $60,000 she never paid on when he died and will never be able to pay it, much less the interest and penalties. She works night shift in a nothing job (her first ever fulltime one) and the children really want nothing to do with her.
Despite all she did "to" me, I feel very sorry for her because I'm a compassionate person and forgave her years ago. She doesn't know it but I do because I did it for me.
You probably feel sorry for your ex for much the same reason I did.
It's not pleasant to see someone you once loved, someone you had children with and someone you spent a significant portion of your life with (25 years in my case) hit rock bottom.
Something you have to keep firmly in mind. It's not your fault. You're not responsible. It's not up to you to fix it.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Yes, you are right. I know I need to move on, and I am doing that. During the divorce I always held hope that he would change, get the help he needed for his drinking and OCD. He didn't do that, wouldn't admit there was a problem, it was all my fault. It appears now though that he is admitting the problem, and is voicing it to many. Apparently things are not hunky dorey with his wife like he has wanted everyone to believe.
In a way I feel betrayed again because it hurt me so much that he replaced me thirty days after the divorce was final, after a twenty year relationship. I will never ever let him know how much it hurt me. He has been evil to me since, and horrible to our kids. But it appears that recently he has had a revelation, and has changed his broken record tune from what it once was. I feel sorry for him because well, I always wanted him to get help and be happy.
The kids and I, well, it was hard work, lots of counseling, lots of soul searching, talking, and working together, but the three of us are really a family and are doing pretty good. I have been dating some even over the last couple of years. Maybe it's because I haven't met that right someone yet, and quite frankly, I am in no big hurry.
Maybe the two aren't related? I keep worrying that possibly deep down inside me I am subconciously(spelling?) waiting for him still????????????? NO way, the thought of him does turn my stomach. I wouldn't want him to touch me after that Skank he married.
Well, thank you for your reply, and I do think I am on the last leg of my journey to recovery. This is good. Sometimes we don't have to understand everything I guess?
You were very helpful though, thank you.
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Wow, you about hit it square on..........Only difference what money he does make now, new wife is blowing, either on different whims, two different schools now, or the CS she owes that he pays.
He told my son last night, that he deeply regrets how he treated me, that he felt horrible for the way it turned out for him and them. He told him he learned his lesson and wished terribly he could change what he did to me, HA, I say. Too little to late. Toxic is a good word to use.
My X told me when we were divorcing that he was going to marry someone else, treat her like a queen, and I would be so jealous and want him back. He also accused me of having an affair. I told him then that he could go ahead and marry someone, and long after I would still be alone because the issues were not about someone else at all. My prediction came true, as did his. Thing is, he's found no happiness in trying to make me jealous, now it appears as though it is his cross to bear. Go figure.
Both replies have made me feel so much better. I am glad I wrote this out, because I was worried this was not a normal feeling. Yes, I am a compassionate person, and I forgave him a long time ago for the things he did, and what he has continued for a long time.
Whew, I do feel better. I am glad others have felt this too, especially after so much time has passed.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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On her way out into someone else's arms the ex said that she would remarry because she needed someone to love and I would remarry because I needed someone to take care of me.
She married her boyfriend before the ink was dry on the final divorce order. Might as well. She moved him in with her and my two minor daughters well before the divorce was final. She'd met him seven months before we separated.
I, on the other hand, lived like a monk in contemplation, reflection and meditation to work on fixing what was wrong with me. Two years later I asked out a friend and former coworker I'd known, admired and respected for five years and we've now been married 10.
What the ex said was backwards and wrong. I didn't NEED to marry anyone. I had put together a lovely, comfortable home, I'm an excellent cook and enjoy it (my wife says she married me for my kitchen) and I can clean, do laundry and take full care of a home. I married because I fell in love.
The ex had always been a passive dependent and needed a man in her life and someone to carry her financially.
Interestingly enough, if she'd ever REALLY loved me, perhaps the divorce would never have taken place. She'd always had someone to love. She'd just failed to.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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"Despite all she did "to" me, I feel very sorry for her because I'm a compassionate person and forgave her years ago. She doesn't know it but I do because I did it for me."
I really admire you for being able to do that Mike, if even just for yourself. I have gotten a lot better, but I'm still not there by a mile. I have my moments when I think I'll never get there totally, but then I recover and go on again. I still hold a lot of anger at times and it is something that rears it ugly head from time-to-time when something new crops up.
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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That was the best part of it, Lori. I was able to rid myself of all the anger and resentment that were negatively affecting me and my marriage.
It took years. Your turn will come!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Today it is bothering me even more. My son got so upset at dinner, talked about how bad he feels for his dad, and how bad it is for him over there. Says his dad regrets all he did to me, and he's so sorry for all of it. Telling the kid how much we would of had if he hadn't messed up.
Now I am angry. I am realzing that he is saying these things to the kids, knowing that they will bring them home to me, and this is so unfair to all of us. His games never seem to stop.
If he was really sorry about what he did, he would simply tell me he's sorry, and about his regrets. I feel like he is playing the kids to gain sympathy. Sorry dog, I am angry now, don't feel sorry for him and the mess he's made of his life..............not my fault. He will eventually blame me for all of it.
Big sigh, makes me sad to see that nothing has changed about him at all. I believe I am wiser now though, much wiser.
And geeze, it took him five years to realize this stuff?
Duhhhhhhhhhhhh..............
Thank you.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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My oldest, dearest, closest friend in the world has been going through something very similar. To the point that it turned her oldest son against her and now he totally sides with and feels very sorry for his father. After spending any time with his dad, he'd come home from seeing him and the son would emotionally, verbally and then even physically takes his anger out on his mother, because the dad was constantly fueling his anger towards his mother. Even after repeated attempts of talking to her ex-h and telling him what was happening, begging him to stop what he was doing, he still kept up fueling the son's behavior.
It finally took police coming to the house, because of the son's behavior towards his mom. Still the father kept up at it. An emergency court hearing was arranged, with both my friend and her ex-h going back to court and her lawyer presenting what was occurring to a judge. The father was charged for his actions and forced into counseling for what he had done.
I don't say any of this to scare or worry you, just that if it keeps up and should escalate, there are things you can do. Have you tried speaking to your ex-h directly yet and ask him to please stop talking through the kids, about any of these things?
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Dear rschiller,
Your X shouldn't be going on and on about the divorce or your relationship with the kids. He's clearly putting them in the middle and involving them and they're too young for that.
What a shame about how so many SBTX's or X's play games that involve the kids. I know and remember how tough it was and still is, to keep all the ugliness away from them when feelings are running so intensely. But to purposely clue them into all that one is feeling, is just so wrong. They have enough to deal with. Their whole world has come crumblking down. And that's what happens when one parent or the other, unburdens themselves to the kids. Makes me want to cry...
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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[quote]They have enough to deal with. Their whole world has come crumblking down. And that's what happens when one parent or the other, unburdens themselves to the kids. Makes me want to cry...
[/quote]
Yes, this made me tear up when my son started telling me this stuff. It was awful to have my fifteen year old son telling me these things.
I can't talk to my X at all. If I try to talk to him his wife grabs the phone and yells stuff in the background. She checks all his emails, and she is constantly harping on what a horrible person I am to him, and to the kids.
My son is messed up by the x telling him all this stuff. I told them both last night that they needed to stop disucussing this stuff with him, change the subject or something. I also told them to tell him it's not right he discuss stuff like that with them.
He told my daughter on Sunday that he missed the little things I use to do for him. He told her to ask me to buy him his favorite candy for Halloween. She wanted to buy it with her money and tell him it was from me.
I almost feel like he is playing these kids into thinking he and I could someday be together again. I told the kids straight out there was no durn way in heck we would ever be married again, and I reminded them of how awful it was before.
I swear I am mad and confused at the same time. I was really feeling sorry for the guy, now well...........
And why, why, why did it take him this long to suddenly have these revelations? It's been five years. We were married almost sixteen, lived together for four before marriage.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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It sounds to me like he is having a lot of regrets, because of a second marriage that sounds perfectly awful. I am sure it does make him realize all that you did and were for him. The mixed up thinking maybe being that if this marriage fails, which it sounds like it is, heck he can always fall back on the first one with you...why not start laying the frame work now, just in case. I almost wonder if calling or e-mailing him, telling him to cut it out with the kids, would give the new wife a window into what all he is saying, without her obviously knowing. About how wonderful you really are/were and that might nip the whole sorted behavior in the bud for good, plus blow it up in his face.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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If I did that, he would somehow turn it and place blame on me. It's the way they work. Best to just not say a word at all. Ignore it like it doesn't exist, because in all truth what was is done, and was done a long time ago.
Don't you think if I make any big deal of this at all it will just explode and somehow will turn back on us?
I think it best I just tell the kids not to discuss this anymore with their dad, and if he does say something, this mom doesn't want to hear it again.
I am ready to meet someone, but not sure how to go about doing it. I want to begin sharing my life with someone. Perhaps that would help my kids too, see that mom is moving on? I live in a small town and my family all lives states away. I am the singles group at my church, so well, not sure how to "get" out there and meet people.
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bel
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/06
Posts: 14
Loc: Pa
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I have been where you are but I never was married. I kept picking abusive men b/c I found that the care taker in me wanted to take care of them and make things better for them. I came to realize that I had to get help to stop this patteren of man. My kids also have to put up with a step mother that is jealous of the kids which they have to deal with evryday. My son tells her off but my daughter is more shy. They are 13 and 12. As for feeling sorry for the X that is normal its all part of the healing process. I once heard in a Domestic Violence Shelter that it takes as much time to completely heal from the relationship as long as the relationship lasted. I know from experiance that you should never enter a relationship after ending one for at least 6 months and when you enter into one don't make any major life changes for 6 months. Like marriage,moving in together,joint bank accounts ect... I wouldn't do the last one even if I were married lol. You may want to talk to someone b/c you may not know it but what he has done is affecting you still. I am here if you need to talk.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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"I once heard in a Domestic Violence Shelter that it takes as much time to completely heal from the relationship as long as the relationship lasted."
If that was the case I'd be in big trouble considering that the former marriage lasted 25 years and I was 48 when it headed south. That would be a loooong sentence to have to serve if it took an equal amount of time to heal.
As for the rest, I waited two years to date and that, for me, seemed just about right.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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It all depends how long you intend being a 'victim' or a 'survivor'.
I think along this path... there are no victims of the Holocaust alive, only survivors. I would much rather be a survivor working at rebuilding my life than being a victim and living in fear and in the past.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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What is really bothering me now is that he is telling the kids these things, when he should be keeping his mouth shut.
If he really did feel badly about the way he treated me, and what happened, he should shut his mouth and not bring the kids into it. Seems like he's just wanting pity, and he knows the kids will tell me what he is saying.
Normally I don't say anything but, "Oh" when they tell me about stuff with their dad. Best answer I know really. I have now asked them to not tell me anything else he has said about how he is feeling about me. I explained that it just doesn't matter and I don't need to hear it. I had to put a stop to it because it was really bothering me.
It has taken me so long to get here, and when I am in the final stages of healing. I want so much to meet someone new, to start again with someone. Someone who will be my friend, share lifes beauty with, partner with me.........
God always has a plan and I haven't understood the plan for quite sometime. Hopefully I will figure it out soon.
Mean while I thought it best to just stop all the talk of regrets by my kids. In some ways I think it was giving them false hope that their mom and dad may end up togeter again someday. If I have heard it once, I heard it a thousand times from the kids, "If he had only not married K****." Doesn't matter that he remarried, I will would never have been with him, nor will I be with him again.
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