thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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My husband asked for me for a divorce yesterday and I'm still in shock, a very rocky marriage had become very loving and kind again and now he wants a divorce....I just can't get my head around it, I feel like climbing under the covers and not coming out....any tips on how to put one foot in front of the other and go on without a man I am very much in love with???
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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What a shame. I can just imagine how devastating this is emotionally. All I can suggest is that the loss of a relationship is, in the end, better than remaining in one in which you are not loved as you deserve to be.
Beyond that, permit yourself both the healing process and the grief process that you'll go through. You'll emerge stronger and happier on the other side of them.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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Do you think that the relationship changed because he felt guilty? Was this his effort to give the relationship one last chance before he pulled the plug?
I guess if you really want the relationship to survive suggest counseling. Is there another woman? Could he be going through a mid life crisis?
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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I think probably another woman he says counseling isn't an option and the truth is I just need to accept it for what it is....
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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People generally don't end a marriage unless they've already got someone else waiting.
Just try to stay healthy - vitamins, rest...right, like you can sleep, huh? I took Tylenol PM to help me sleep back in the day and vitamins to supplement the food I couldn't eat. This board was the best! I posted here day and night. Sorry you are here but welcome. We're here for you.
PS - When I saw your handle, "thisaintBB", my first reaction was damn right you ain't bb cause I am! - Then I was like wtf is wrong with being bb? - all in good humor of course. **smiles** - Ain't nuttin wrong with being BB -
xoxo,
BB
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Sorry you are going through this so its one step at a time. If there is OW, then its good that you probably know as it may be easier to move forward. My X denied OW and I (foolishly) believed it...if I had known right from the start it would have resolved my determination to accept that I had been replaced. I would never compete with OW, hurt/painful...yes but not try to get him back,....never...I felt stupid after I found out...
Counseling is a good thing to consider...self help books from the library, used ones from amazon.com..support from family, friends. and tidying up the legalities of breaking up a marriage....treat the divorce like a business but the actual breakdown of the marriage is emotional ...sometimes the divorce gets very ugly especially when it comes to who gets what and so forth...seek free consults with lawyers so you know the rights in your state....and just post here when things get down.......everyone here will help you.
Good luck....with time and support you will get through this and hopefully come out on the other side a stronger and peaceful person...
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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what does your BB stand for, my log on name is actually funny now I originally joined here for support as the step monster so my log in name was This Aint BB (Brady Bunch)
I'm having a better day, have only cried a few times and just for a minute, make it through work, just came home and am OK being here by myself....haven't contacted him in 48 hours and I'm proud of that.....thanks for your kindness
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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Well, BB stands for many things. It just depends on who you ask. My sisters had a nickname for me when I was a wee tot and BB is the initials for that nickname. BUT it's also my real name initials and if you were to ask my ex, he'd tell you it stands for Biggest Biotch.
Hang in there. No contact is hard to accomplish but it truly is good for your first steps in recovery.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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thanks BB I'm weak tonight wondering where he is, who he is with etc....but I had a very productive day the nights are just tough!
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Dear thisaintBB,
There's almost nothing as bad as hearing the "I want a divorce" line from a spouse. It cuts like a knife and the pain is awful. Let yourself cry, mourn, scream, rage, mope, wallow, whatever. There's no escaping the agony of splitting up with someone you love. So hide under the covers for awhile and have a pity party. You need to. Trying to ignore the feelings or gloss over things is not a good idea.
Meanwhile, I'm sure you have to go to work, take care of kids, or whatever and can't go into hiding 24/7. Just make sure you allow yourself some time to do so! I don't think there's any special tips on how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But one thing that helped me was to give myself a daily goal; a reason to get up; or maybe a reward of some kind. Other than that, I FORCED myself to get up. Having 2 sons to take care of was a real incentive. Not letting the X think he totally obliterated me was another. A third was fighting for my legal rights.
So look for your reasons and then go for it.
Last but not least, keep posting here. It'll help. I was married for over 20 years, when I learned the X had an affair and wanted out. Then the X's OW got pregnant (wasn't even divorced yet) and they married less than 60 days after we officially signed the papers. I posted ALOT here and I can't stress enough how much that helped.
Hang in there. You'll get through it all.
Big Hugs,
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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joan
enthusiast
Reged: 09/24/04
Posts: 248
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I'm 52 and can share with you what works for me. I do what I love to do. The intent is not to meet guys, but to have fun. I love to bike and joined a biking club, turns out there are lots of guys. I've also go on the bike trails around the community by myself, lots of guys. I've taken classes at the local community college for fun (try wood working), lots of guys. I joined a volleyball group at church, not so many guys, but lots of fun. I play tennis. I golf. I'm going to start cooking classes, etc. I find it's best if I go out on my own. Go to the golf course by yourself, the starter will set you up with a foursome. Join a tennis class or go to the open tennis events, by yourself, etc. If you go with a friend or a group, you have less chance of meeting someone.
My thought is that if you are doing something you really enjoy you are a more interesting person to others, you will find someone with a common interest (men and women) and there is no pressure. You get to know someone as friends first. And to top it all off, you are having fun
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joan
enthusiast
Reged: 09/24/04
Posts: 248
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I'm very sorry, I was trying to reply to another post and I can't delete this.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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thanks for everyone for your encouragement here is an update...this a copy of an email I sent to my inner circle of girl friends today
I had counseling today, boy was that tough. We talked a lot about my "mixed emotions" and why even though just four days into this I can see a lot of blessings but I'm still hurting so bad. She said that there was an attachment maybe it wasn't a "good attachment" but it was still an attachment. She said that the bottom line is Carl isn't emotionally healthy enough to "fix anything" that when you say you don't want to fight or have conflict there is no saving anything (and that was his routine answer when we were in counseling) she said if a relationship isn't worth fighting over it's doomed. She was VERY PROUD of how I was handling things, she agreed that I SHOULD NOT file for divorce, she feels that eventually I will because I'm the doer and well we know his track record of taking care of things...enough said on that subject. I did text him today to ask for an address to send papers, and I asked him if I should prepare Lyss for the fact that she isn't going to hear from him, he ended up calling her and we weren't home so I had her call him back and that seemed to really help her a lot which in turn helped me a lot. He sent me his mom's address hours later but I had already mailed a letter to his work certified telling him he needed to file for divorce, his decision, his situation, end of story. Told him I wasn't being spiteful, that I wasn't even angry just heartbroken, but it was his to deal with. Told him the facts about Alyssa (which the counselor says he needs to hear loud and clear) told him he owes it not to ME BUT TO ALYSSA to at least help her to heal from all of this, told him he's a coward for not seeing her face to face. The letter was only about 12 sentences long which the counselor was also proud of....I ended the letter by telling him counseling was still an option, but Sylvia (the counselor) wonders if counseling is even still an option for me really she says I've processed the situation for what it truly was and there may not be any going backwards for me, made me promise to 6 months worth of counseling for myself, I made appointments for the next 4 weeks 1x each week and then we are going to try to go twice a month, I BOUGHT NEW FURNITURE TONIGHT....for the living room, it's being delivered Thursday, do you know anyone with a cleaning company I want to hire someone to come in and do a deep clean and then maybe have them come back every two weeks or so.....I'm taking care of me girls! I'm going to be OK, no I'm going to be better then OK I'm going to be Good and then I'm going to be Great...by the way I've lost 21 and 1/2 pounds since August.....woo hoo!!
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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I knew this would happen, he is telling Lyss things and not keeping his word, she is crying and heart broken, and I just told her that right now he isn't thinking like Carl he's not acting like Carl and for her to remember that he loves her...is this the right thing to do??
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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I don't know what's right or wrong to say to her but what you said sounded okay. Can you be more specific regarding what he said to her and what he did or didn't do to keep his word?
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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he told her on Tuesday that he would call the next day but didn't, Isent him a message and told him she was hurt and he called last night and she told him she didn't feel like talking to him it was very sad
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