thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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well Lyss is with STBX today and I thought I would go to the mall to finish my shopping sent him a text message to see which mall they were at so I wouldn't go to the same one, he didn't repsond so I went to the mall further from home thinking he was less likely to be there but then he answered me and told me that he was there so I sent back that I was trying to shop and I was there also but I was going to leave so I didn't run into them and make Lyss uncomfortable he replied and said they were in line for Santa then he replied and told me she wanted to buy me make up etc....we sent a few text back and forth all very civil and all about her and now I can't quit crying the sadness is huge and I dread what Christmas and then our anniversary will be like I dread her coming home with a picture of the two of them with Santa....I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD!
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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St BB.. you have mail. Must be something in the air... I am sad too. But, it will pass.
Although I am always glad to hear of things my son and his Dad do together... there is a sadness there at times because.. they are things we would have done together when we were a family. And I often miss that family thing! I want them to spend time together, and I know you want Lyss and your stbx to do the same... but sometimes you just want to be there to, like the old days when it was good. For me, and for you, this is one of those days when the Hallmark, Zales etc. ads just don't sit too well isn't it?
Hang in there.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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he took her to get her pic made with Santa very sad
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this and wish I had magic words for you that would help. I fight with sadness myself this time of year and its really hard to not want to curl up in bed with a box of kleenex and cry myself to sleep some days.
I would suggest that you try to do something for YOU, about you right now and take the focus off of them, really, off of him. Busy work does it for me. If there is nothing that you've been wanting to do that you can get done today to help you get thru this funk, then you could try what I do. I go up to Michaels (the craft/hobby shop) or over to the local fabric store, and I find something I can make. It doesn't have to be anything major - put some paint to a little wood chest, create a floral arrangement, or buy fabric and create a pillow or embroider something. Wandering the store looking at all the possibilities puts my mind in a proactive state - what can I do, what will it look like when I'm done, who would like something special?
Its not so much even the busy work with my hands that helps me, as the fact that I'm capable of creating something special and have accomplished something. When you're feeling blue knowing you can do that helps in major way.
Who knows? Maybe find the stuff to make a really pretty pillow with his picture ironed in the middle and give to your d. When she's not home you can beat it against the wall in your more upset moments. ;>
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I'm with you too. Even though I'm looking forward to seeing my old friend and spending the holidays with her, I can't help but miss the Christmases when x SO and I had so much fun curled up on the couch watching our combined children open their gifts. I don't so much miss Christmases with my x H because we were more like 2 roomates in the same house. I miss that thought of kissing someone a good Christmas morning. *sigh*
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I miss just having another live being to wake up with on Christmas morning. Years ago I did not understand how people could be sad at Christmas... I should say decades ago as I was quite young then. I had lost family members and missed them, but did understand the depths of the heartache at the loss of the other kind of love.
This too shall pass... I am looking forward to 12-26. I took the day off from work and plan on going out to shop for my Christmas present.
One day I will have grand children. I think that would help get rid of the sadness at this time of year. Nothing like the delight of a child this time of year.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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B.... might I make a suggestion? Why don't you and Lyss also have a pic done of the both of you with Santa? That might help with some of the sadness when you think of STBX and Lyss pic and will also be a great keepsake in years to come. WIsh I had thought to do that when my son was small cause I would enjoy setting it out now. . I am sure I can talk my son into sitting on Santa's lap with me for a photo.. and then one with he, d-i-l and I. Never too late I guess
Another thought and something I intend to do. Make a collage of photos from previous Christmases. On second thought, this might not be the best time to do so.. but maybe in the future? I want to do that and then hang it on the wall from Thanksgiving through Jan 1. Same with some of my most favorite Christmas cards, and another with cards and tags that actually have Merry Christmas on them. Have been saving those for years and should make something out of them.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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I've cried so much today I can't remember if I've shared the fact that I saw STBX today for the first time, he walked Lyss to the door and I opened the door and faced him, we didn't speak but we did make eye contact and I think we were both sad, I've lost 30 lbs since the last time he saw me and I have to admit I think he noticed..ha! it was very sad and when he left I completely came unglued but now I'm doing better again, it's a hurdle I needed to leap and now I have....January 1st can't get here soon enough
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Ya know bb.........sometimes you can just cry and cry buckets. Not a thing wrong with it. I can remember just crying and crying and crying when the x and I split up, and guess what? I was the one who wanted out.
I still mourn the loss of a family I never had. I lived a lie for so long.
Cry those tears, in them, I found strength, strength to say, I am not going to let this get to me!!!!I am going to live through this, and sometime soon, someday, my life will get better.
Having to go through the holiday and an anniversary is going to be tough, but girl, you can do it. Know why? You have that darling daughter you need to be really strong for. So..........I say cry those tears while she's away, and if you need to go someplace else when she's home, go in the bathroom turn on the shower and just sobbbbbbbb yourself silly. Truthfully, it always made me feel better.
I feel some good cries comin on here real soon. Just hang in there and don't give up, don't give in, and keep going.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Is the dehydration headache you get after crying all day. Am I right?
I think you need to take Lyss and get your own picture. If this idea makes you question the logic show me the rule that says kids are only allowed one photo with Santa.
I know it is tough. But you will make new traditions with your daughter. It sounds impossible right now and with this being the first Christmas apart from her father it will sting and hurt not to mention the aftesaid headache from the crying thing.
So drink a bucket of water or eggnog (I LURVE eggnog) and start something new with your daughter. Read the Night Before Christmas together. Make cookies. Buy 3 gifts for the Toy Appeal and drop them off. This is the season for giving and that also means giving of yourself.
I was sad today when my s/son told us his mother asked him to write down what he wanted for Christmas. I mean, surely there is something magical to Christmas and still a tiny part of me believes in Father Christmas and the goodness he brings to the world. So writing down your wishlist because your mother cannot get the dropped hints from the past 6 months??? How does it reinforce the sense of goodwill to have your sons write down a shopping list for you? Where is the magic? Where is the suspense? Where is the belief in a greater power even if he is in a red suit?
Chrsitmas lives in your heart. And maybe this year Christmas is taking a break. But the Christmas Spirit is not dead in you yet. It is just hibernating.
PS: My most hated Christmas songs? I'll be Home For Christmas, Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas and that Red Shoes song. Makes me cry buckets and then get that headache thingy AGAIN! Oh well, time for eggnog!
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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it's going to be 60 degrees today and I wanted to go to the park but Lyss is insisting on Charlotte's Web so I guess after church we are going to the movies, I'm going to make myself have a better day today! I woke up crying and I'm still crying but I'm going to get a shower and go to church and hopefully find some peace along the way
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Hope you have a better day today B.
Re: first Christmas with STBX, I do have a tip I received that helped me. It came from a friend I met way back in 1986 when I was cub scout den leader and her son was in my den. Later one she became a co worker when she also became a police, fire and ems and 9-1-1 dispatcher where I worked. She caught the bug and went on become a police officer. So we go back a long ways. Sadly she has moved away and we have little contact now.
Her tip for that first Christmas was that we do something different on the day, something new. ANd we did. My son was at that time the director of production and audio at a radio station, having moved up from being DJ. They all had to take a turn working holidays on air to give the DJ's some relief and he worked 9a -1p that first CHristmas without EX. He asked me to go to work with him and that was our first different thing.
Our second was to go to a movie. We have not done that since on CHristmas, but it made the day better for both of us to be doing something different. It turned out to be good advice for us, but then my son was 23 years old at the time.
As KIWI says... Christmas spirit in hibernation this year. Good way to put it.
Dot, I am with you on the song "I'll be Home for Christmas". Especially when Elvis is signing it! WIth a couple of us moving from our home town and all 5 of us sibs having families our celebrations changed over the years and we all got to together with Mom for Christmas but rarely all of us on the day. 3 sibs up home always there on Christmas so Mom was never alone! But all of together fell on different day. So I seldom was what I call "up home" on Christmas. No matter the distance, the feeling is the same.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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willybillie
enthusiast
Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
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ST>BB.
Believe me after going past our 25th Anniversary followed by our court date, followed by Xmas, I hope I am still in one piece. I moved everthing but furniture the last 3 days(furniture tomorrow,then I'm out),and slept in my condo for first time, but got up at 6am, went back home and crawled into my bed with by stbx.How's that for asking for more pain. Guess I want to see how much I can take before a complete meltdown.LOL>
Don't know why I came back home, but wanted to be near her one last time, to hold her and kiss her that last time.I thought just maybe that would bring closure. It was so gut-wrenching..When I went back to condo, I realized what a stupid thing I did, and why the hell did I do it. I do hope she will fade as people on this board have said it does. How long does that take? I know people say "Suck it up and Move on", but easier said than done.
Bottome line Divorce is such a PIA.(pain in a$$).Sorry I got carried away. ST>BB my advice is to join some groups and be with people who are going thru what you are going thru. Ive been in this recovery group the past 7 weeks, and it has helped tremendously to talk to people who understand what your enduring. This is not to take anything away from this "Outstanding" group of people, but in addition to the wonderful people here, going face to face with others helps.
Regards,
Bill
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