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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Somebody stop me
      #180998 - 12/28/06 05:03 PM

I just saw the xSO. I knew he was coming and waited a half hour on my front porch watching the street to see his truck. He got out of the truck and it took all I had to not hug him or touch him in some way. He came in and we sat at the table for a couple of minutes and chatted. He's shaved his goatee and is his usual gorgeous baby face self, despite having on his sweats and feeling lousy from a cold. We had to take care of some business and then he left.

I'm having such a weak moment. The holidays sucked for me because I missed him so much. I *know* logically that my life is much more calmer now, and that I simply didn't fit in with how he chooses to live his life. But I find myself still in love with the man. How can you get rid of the feelings you have for someone that you know is not good for you????? Its taking my every last ounce of willpower to not write him a letter right now and pour out my heart. Doing that might help in the short run, but would only stretch out the pain. Our lives and our needs are so not compatible its hopeless. But even knowing that I can't just shut off my feelings, which really , really is hurting right now.


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KiwiGirl
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Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Renee]
      #181012 - 12/28/06 05:31 PM

BMX, no money for bills because of BMX. No house rules for his sons. They treated you like dirt and he LET them!

Sure, Baby Face may be 'all that' but when push comes to shove 'Baby' is about all you get. Me, me, me, I, I, I.

Write the letter and post it to me. Let your heart pour out. And then remember this.... NOTHING HE HAS DONE SINCE LEAVING YOUR HOME HAS SAID HE WANTS TO CHANGE HIS LIFE AND INCLUDE YOU. NOT ONE LITTLE THING.

BMZ, bad mannered kids,... is that the world you want?

--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem


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Renee
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: KiwiGirl]
      #181021 - 12/28/06 05:48 PM

...thank you.... I don't want that life back, not by a long shot. Its just so hard to not have feelings for him, even if I hate that life. I feel even worse cuz I miss the 10yo, but can't stand the 12yo. I'm just so messed up with conflicting emotions right now...

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Runswithscissors
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Reged: 05/29/04
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Re: Somebody stop me [Re: Renee]
      #181030 - 12/28/06 05:59 PM

digging around for my frying pan!!

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Curmudgeon
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Renee]
      #181107 - 12/28/06 08:35 PM

Then this is decidedly not the time to backstep and make a life-changing decision, or move into the rut again. Wait until you have things sorted out in your mind and can see them clearly.

--------------------
What me worry. I'm retired!


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Karen1
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Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Curmudgeon]
      #181112 - 12/28/06 08:43 PM

Ah Renee... I know what you mean. I don't want the last few years that EX and I were together back, nor the person he now is.

I admit to missing what I think of as the old EX... and in some ways I will love that person until the day I die I guess.

Course that does not mean there is not room to love someone new... and the same goes for you!

Karen

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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Renee
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Karen1]
      #181165 - 12/28/06 10:57 PM

Well, I'm so messed up at this point, I can even think of the XH and remember the good stuff, lol. THATS not happened before.

Right now I just have Beyonce's 'Irreplaceable' and Evanescences 'Call me When You're Sober' playing over and over. Thats just as good as liquid courage without the hangover.


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SteveM
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Reged: 12/05/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Nova Scotia
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Renee]
      #181214 - 12/29/06 08:46 AM

Karen1 said:

"I admit to missing what I think of as the old EX... and in some ways I will love that person until the day I die I guess."

Me too!

I remember the way things used to be and will always cherish those memories. I guess we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Still, time has a way of changing people, and we have both changed. We could never be together again.

Just as I have moved on, you can too Renee. Find something to fill your time, so you have less time to worry about yesterday. Concentrate on yourself. There must be some things YOU would like to do?

Best Regards,
SteveM

--------------------
OverEx Discussion Forum


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Renee
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: SteveM]
      #181260 - 12/29/06 11:34 AM

Thanks Steve. I'm trying to keep busy, I just hate the quiet times, you know? Those times when your brain has a little lull as you go from one thing to the next.... sounds kinda stupid when I type it out but thats the only way to describe it. Its those momentary quiet times that everything comes at me. Seeing him doesn't always affect me like this, but most times it does. We've morphed into a acquaintances now, unless we make eye contact and then the connection is instantaneous. But the real world intrudes so we don't step forward.

I was thinking about it last nite while I was trying to fall asleep. He and I are doing this dysfunctional dance right now, and I think it starts with me. It goes like this: I get in a mind set where we're just friends, then he feels relieved of romantic pressure from me and becomes romantic. He flirts, I'm shocked but I flirt back. He tries to make it more than flirting, I shutdown, he gets hurt and pulls away. I sense he's pulling away, and I get hurt.

Damn dumb merry go round. Its coming to a slow halt and I've got one leg off the edge ready to jump, its just that I'm afraid to let go.

How's that for whacked???

Sorry for the emotional blubbering whine... I think I'll go scrub the bathroom now. lolol


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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
Re: STTTOOOOPPPP! [Re: Renee]
      #181348 - 12/29/06 03:56 PM

Sweetie... if you don't SEE him, then you can't make eye contact! Cut out any contact with him NOW... until you are stronger and can handle it.

--------------------
Lisa

Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.


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