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bacall
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 275
how often to you think of divorce?
      #24573 - 08/03/05 03:47 PM

Hi everyone. I have been wondering about this for quite some time -- for any or all of you who are interested (and the time frame of where you are in the divorce process) -- how often do you think about your divorce and its aftermath? Am very curious if everyone else is having such a difficult time clearing the mind of it. Take care, bacall

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Karen1
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1798
Loc: Ohio
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: bacall]
      #24681 - 08/03/05 05:51 PM

I am still in the divorce process... we signed final settlement papers and it was to be final on July 27, one week prior to that stbx changed attorneys, now waiting to see how the court will proceed from this point.

I thus think of divorce often and probably will until it is final. As to the afermath, I think of how it has changed the future for our adult son. Although it took me months, years, to get here, I now feel the divorce is the best thing for me. Only other thing in the aftermath stage that I think about is longing to get this house sold and myself settled permanently in another.... just basic moving on I guess.

I at times have a difficult time clearing my mind of hurtful and unnecessary things that have been done and said, prior to stbx leaving and since. ANd of the unnecessary and pointless delays in the legal process of divorce that stbx has caused. I work very hard at not thinking often of the times during our marriage that were good, and there were many, many years that were good. I try not to think of the good years as when I do, I still feel a bit of pain when remembering those good times as I then miss what stbx once was. The person he is now... I want no part of his life, or his lifestyle. OW is welcome to both.

In time I will be able to forgive him, and that will be for me, not for him.

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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KiwiGirl
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Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: bacall]
      #24713 - 08/03/05 07:11 PM

Not much. I have remarried after letting go the past. I refused to let his behaviour and bad judgement define my life.

Bacall, I think it is easier for you to think about divorce so often because you are familiar with the feelings. They are like old friends even though they make you sad. The feelings don't betray you, they don't leave any nasty surprises. But it is like being in a locked cupbaord. It is safe but the outside is so much better... if you want it.

I cannot understand why you let someone else's choices continue to affect you. It is almost as if you have lost your life and are not prepared to find it. That is incredibly sad.

--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 870
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Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: KiwiGirl]
      #24718 - 08/03/05 07:41 PM

Hi Bacall, its been five years since he left the 30 yr life we had and I rarely ever think of it or him. As I have said before it takes time and of course doing things that help...counseling, self help books, hobbies, trips (remember we had lunch at Navy Pier??)...I will always love and cherish the good years and the person he was (Or should I say who I thought he was) but that person is no more and the person he is and the person I am now are totally different. We have both changed...I see that now but it took time and getting out of denial and hanging on to what was helped me. We all heal at different stages but the common denominator seems to be time passing...I have set a whole bunch of new goals, have new dreams and life is pretty good for me. You will get there Bacall, really...

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Melody
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Reged: 06/02/04
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I don't think about it much any more [Re: bacall]
      #24778 - 08/03/05 11:44 PM

I've been divorced for 7 years now, but when I do think about it....I always know that it was the smartest thing I've ever done.

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mlh53
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: bacall]
      #25241 - 08/05/05 08:23 AM

Hi Bacall,

It's been 4 years since the X walked for OW and 2 since we've been legally divorced. Consequently, I rarely think about it anymore, except during holidays or when I have to deal directly with the X. Or ocassionally out of the blue. The few times I do, I actually shudder sometimes. This happens when a trigger hits and I'm reminded of the cheating, the lies, or the nasty, patronizing way he treated me. Then I wonder how I put up with it for over 20 years. However, I don't let myself linger on this for long as there's really no upside to do so. Life is too short to dwell on the past or any of the negatives of our lives. It's much more productive to think positive, about the present, and plan for the future.

Melanie


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Terri1
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 71
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: mlh53]
      #25252 - 08/05/05 09:12 AM

My husband and I have been separated for seven months - he leaving for OW. I probably think about it a little every day but the key is how do I feel about it. Every day it gets better and I actually can laugh and enjoy myself now. When I think about whether or not I would want to go back to my prior life, there is no way. I didn't realize how his actions were hurting me. Now that I have been away from him and our marriage for these months, I realize that this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Took me a long time to get here though. I don't know if I will ever not think about my marriage. We were married for 26 years and have two adult children. Those memories will always be a part of my life. So I will smile when I remember the good and be a little sad when I remember the bad.

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chalong
recently joined


Reged: 08/09/05
Posts: 1
Loc: Arizona
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: Terri1]
      #25957 - 08/09/05 01:15 PM

Wow, there certainly are a lot of women who have men who left them for other women. Adultery sucks, and should be illegal, in my opinion.
My situation is so different, and I imagine less painful than most of yours.
I've known my husband for 27 years, and been married to him for 18. Our daughter is 17, and well prepared for the enivitable. I married Peter Pan. A guy that just refuses to grow up. He's sweet, and silly, and good in bed. He's never cheated with another human. That's the good news. The bad news is: He's a liar, a coward, and self-indulgent to the point of sacrificing us, for his comfort level.
I think about divorce everyday, for a good part of the day. It's not just the saddness associated with divorce, but the logistics are overwhelming. After almost 2 decades we're connected in more ways than not. Especially financially, and socially. It's terrifying to start anew at 52.


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lucky44
journeyman


Reged: 06/16/05
Posts: 60
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: bacall]
      #26085 - 08/10/05 03:07 AM

I've gotten through most of the first of this and first of that so the what was isn't a factor. I'm trying to build a new life.His total abandonment of our child has both financial and emotional impact on the boy which in turns effects me.It's not the letting go of the marriage where I'm stuck. It's the restructuring the hope and dreams I had for my child of which most were based on beliefs I was brought up with. All that is shot- so square one, one step. Divorce is rework.

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NancyD
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2109
Loc: New York
Re: how often to you think of divorce? [Re: lucky44]
      #26099 - 08/10/05 08:09 AM

Amen, Lucky. I hate to say it, but eight years down the road, I'm still working on that. Signed agreements have no impact on my ex (and yours, too, I notice), even when it is to the detriment of their own flesh and blood.

So while I am not dwelling on the why's of it, I do think about divorce-related events that are still occuring. The bum is out of my life, but unfortunately, he'll always be in our children's lives. And the children are such a big part of my life, that it's impossible to not get pulled into the financial havoc my ex wreaks around them.


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