Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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AnnoyedEngland,
You must not have kids. If you did, you'd understand how horrid divorce is for them and how it destroys their world. The pain is unbelievable. I know this as a fact with my kids and because I grew up with divorced parents.
Add OW/OM to the picture and introducing the kids to them before they had time to digest all that has happened and make some sort of piece with it, is like throwing salt on an open wound.
They are hurting, sad, angry, and confused and adding a new romantic partner to the picture, especially if it's someone who helped break up the marriage, only makes it more difficult.
Surely if you truly love the man you're talking about, you can wait to meet his kids. Everyone will be better off for doing so in the long run.
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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About halfway through my former marriage I came to the conclusion that I really didn't like the ex very much. However, I chalked it up to some hard times we'd gone through and just knew that, in time, she go back to being who I thought I fell in love with. It was just a phase after all, wasn't it?
Of course she never did and after we separated and divorced and I was able to stand back and look at things realistically, rather than emotionally, it became clear that at the very least, she has a narcissistic personality disorder.
Love truly can be blind!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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sally1234
enthusiast
Reged: 12/07/06
Posts: 237
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Men are unfortunately like this. That little head does too much thinking.
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madalex
enthusiast
Reged: 01/08/07
Posts: 261
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I've been there. I do have kids. My wife cheated on me, we divorced and she started introducing the kids to the new guy sooner than I would have liked. I had all the thoughts that others have written above about how terrible that was because the kids needed time to adjust to the divorce. In the end, with some time and perspective on my part, I realized that was just a cover. I was using the story that I was worried for the kids to cover up for my own anger, annoyance and feelings of betrayal about the situation. Others can say, "but that is not me; I really am worried about the kids." Maybe so, maybe not, but I am one person who is willing to admit that it was really about me and not the kids.
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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There you go grouping all men into one catagory...If you want the men on this site to stay here we should try not to assume that you can paint with a broad brush and that none of us have any integrity.
Just my two cents
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I appreciate your perspective, madalex, and I can admit that I'm angry and frustrated...and definitely HURT. This happens NOT to be the reason why I'm holding my daughter from the OW. As I wrote earlier, I believe that my daughter should not have time to adjust and re-group after a life changing event. I don't see any benefit in her meeting this woman right now - especially when she still cries over missing her father. Someday, it will happen - but knowing my daughter and what she's been through in her past - her meeting the OW won't happen for at least one year...and this is the best decision for her. I don't care if her father's girlfriend doesn't like it...she's not a member of OUR family. What matters is that I continue to make decisions that I believe are best for our family.
And I agree w/ Badasp...let's not lump everyone into one category. People (men) are individuals!
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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CiCi,
I agree with your logic. I think your ex is being self centered to think that your daughter should be dragged into his relationship so that she has to process the new woman, the new relationship, the divorce, all that is a lot to swallow, even for kids that are young adults, and especially for younger kids. They need stability and one rug (whatever the reason) being ripped out from under them is enough for now. Let them process her parents spliting up before she has to meet new SO's.
My boys, 23/26, have refused to meet the exwife's new boyfriend and she tries hard to create meetings where they are almost forced to do so. They are not happy about it and it is causing them to not talk to her for fear they will be put in a position they don't care to be in. They are older and will have to work this out with her. Younger kids don't get a choice and it really is not fair to pile that on them.
My 2 cents...
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Let me reiterate here: I did NOT know that my ex was involved with anyone else when we wrote this clause into our decree. I had no idea he was in such a hurry to get right back into another relationship...clearly, he lied to me for his own benefit.
And here is the crux of what this is really all about: Who does it benefit when the kids are introduced to the SO? The kids? I don't think so. I suppose there are some situations where it's good...but on the whole, it's the adults who want to be involved with the kids, and my guess is that it's for selfish reasons. THEY want the kids to like them; THEY want to be accepted; THEY want to prove to the other parents that they are good people. If it's hard for adults to meet their ex's SO's, how much more difficult would it be for a child? I mean, basically, that would be like expecting kids to act adult...and they're NOT adults...they are KIDS. Let them be kids, for gawd sakes!
Bad - I think it speaks volumes that your kids - adults - are making a decision not to be involved w/ your ex's SO. I'm always so dumbfounded when people don't "listen" to to these messages. I suppose, maybe your ex really just doesn't give a rip?
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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Exactly, in my case it's all about her, not what the kids might think. Just like in your case, it's about your ex husband and his So, not the kids and how having to process all this crap will affect them later in life is not considered, they just want to feel good or make life difficult for you.
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annoyedengland
newbie
Reged: 05/02/07
Posts: 36
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It was really only a question - I totally understand you feelings on it, was just throwing something else into the mix.
I have lived with my bf for over a year and not met his children. A woman does not do that unless she is totally commited to a man. I totally respect the childrens right to get used to the situation.
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