JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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As I was laying in bed awhile ago...hoping endlessly for sleep, my mind began wandering as it often does. To and fro about everything that's happening in my life. As much as I hate it the tears came and once they started falling they just kept coming. With all the crap that's happened between the ex and I, all the things he's put my children and I through, WHY do I still feel so bad. My mind has finally become conscious to the fact that I just submitted a final judgment and decree for my divorce. In a few days I'll turn 30 and by then that decree may very well have been signed...I think about the ex and I can't help but still feel SOMETHING for him. I wish I could just HATE him so I'd stop feeling this way. Shouldn't I be happy that I'm almost free (as free as I can be) of his shannigans? Why do I still feel so awful, so failure-like. Anyway, sitting here waiting for this lame computer of mine to decide when it wanted to work I had to get these feelings out so this is what I have:
Bitter Tears and broken smiles
Left to wander all these miles
Wondering and Pondering where it all went wrong
Never knowing just exactly where I must belong
Hope that flitters here and there
a mind that wanders everywhere
Was it you or was it me
Time may pass and we'll never see
So help me understand...why these tears won't stop
Let this broken heart be healed... before another drops.
CDN 8/14/07
I guess it feels a little better to have gotten that out though my heart still feels heavy and my mind is a jumbled mess. My eyes feel like lead weights but everytime I close them I go on an emotional marathon run. Perhaps this has helped me some...we'll see in a few minutes....maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You're totaly normal. I personally gave up thinking long ago. It's way too tiring. Which you'd think would make you want to sleep but it seems to work the opposite!
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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willybillie
enthusiast
Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
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Your not alone that's for sure. I don't think I have gotten a full nights sleep since my divorce was final in Dec of 06. I'm dead serious. I toss and turn,wake up sporadically thru the night, check the clock, sometimes , cause I can't believe I'm waking up.
I stay up till at least 12 midnite or 1am, just so I am really tired and have a chance to get thru the night.
I was doing fine the last couple of months emotionally, but now I have regressed back to where when I watch a sad movie, or hear a romantic song and relate to it, I go into a tailspin. It really sucks.
Watching "Message in a Bottle" with Kevin Costner did me in again, cause that was one of my X's favorite movies. Excellent movie BTW.
I'd love to look into a crystal ball and see how much longer this state of mind is going to last. Oh well, better to be Single & Looking than dead.LOL.
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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We've all been there, and it really is the time that will help you move to the next place in a galaxie far far away. Start watching funny movies, stay away from old memories and songs. You'll get through it.
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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My x has done terrible things. She cut my heart out and shat on it. I still love her. I still have dreams about her and she has been gone for 2 years. I used to lay in bed at night and ache. Really, I felt physical pain. I would close my eyes and imagine that she was laying there, just like the last 20 something years.
I have had a number of friends since then. It isn't the same. None of them are her. I don't say this to scare you, and I am much better now than I was, but I know, she was the one. I said "I DO" and I meant it. I did not have the capacity to conceive of anything else. I have accepted what has happened but I know that I will never understand.
I can laugh now and even forget her for short periods of time, so I guess it is getting better, I just don't think it can ever really be right again.
Your poem is beautiful. I write too. It is cathartic for me. I wish I could write something like that, it has an air of hope. Mine are dark.
I know I am an old man but I listen to alot of different music. I am still a young rocker at heart. There is a band called Linkin Park. They have a song called Somewhere I Belong. If you can handle hard rock, you should listen to it. It is so well written, all of their songs are.
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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[quote]Your not alone that's for sure. I don't think I have gotten a full nights sleep since my divorce was final in Dec of 06. I'm dead serious. I toss and turn,wake up sporadically thru the night, check the clock, sometimes , cause I can't believe I'm waking up.
---> I've been doing that for years...ever since my marriage really started going to hell...Atleast now most nights I can fall asleep without having to take something to shut my mind off and knock me out.
I stay up till at least 12 midnite or 1am, just so I am really tired and have a chance to get thru the night.
---> been there done that...bought the t-shirt, wear it all the time
I was doing fine the last couple of months emotionally, but now I have regressed back to where when I watch a sad movie, or hear a romantic song and relate to it, I go into a tailspin. It really sucks.
----> oh man...I do that SAME thing...that's what got me going last night...the TV was on the disney channel and of all things the Cheetah Girls 2 movie was on, I caught myself watching it and in the end when everything turned out nicely and everyone was happy I started bawling...I cry over kids movies...how pathetic.
Watching "Message in a Bottle" with Kevin Costner did me in again, cause that was one of my X's favorite movies. Excellent movie BTW.
I'd love to look into a crystal ball and see how much longer this state of mind is going to last. Oh well, better to be Single & Looking than dead.LOL.
If you find that magic crystal ball...let me know...I want a peek!!!
[/quote]
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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JMAT,
I thought I would post you a sample of one of my poems.
As dawn reveals what shadow seeks to hide
The light awakens bewilderment
More is learned
Less still known
I've lost the scent on these unknown paths
Gone forever the familiarity of my past
The way I've taken it seems has taken me
I had a [censored] grip, then I found you sublime
Now I've lost my grip and you've poisoned my mind
Untold years that no longer exist
Their substance a lie, a ghost in the mist
Ever elusive,perpetually taunting
Unseen by the real world
My personal haunting......
AG '06
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I know how you feel, JMAT! I often feel the same way. It's so perplexing - how someone can hurt you so badly, yet, we long for them anyway. Or, is it that we long for what would have been...rather than the "person"? Sometimes - oftentimes - I don't miss my ex as an individual...I mean, we were such different people and had very different priorities (mine being our daughter, his being HIM)...but I always think..."it COULD have been different if only for this or that", ya know. Maybe we are feeling sad for what could have been?
And then there's what I call the "old tennis shoe syndrom" where we will gravitate to an old pair of tennie-runners even if they stink to high-heaven and have holes in them because getting blisters from the new ones (until you break them in, of course) doesn't feel good. So, we stay in the same-old, same-old mentality - which isn't always the best place to be, right?
Hang in there, hon. Keep writing - and thanks for sharing your poem - it was great!!!
XOXO
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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[quote] I said "I DO" and I meant it. I did not have the capacity to conceive of anything else. I have accepted what has happened but I know that I will never understand.
----> that's how I feel..it was only an 8 year marriage for me but I tried so hard to make it work and that's why I stayed for so long...I guess that's why I feel like a failure now...
Your poem is beautiful. I write too. It is cathartic for me. I wish I could write something like that, it has an air of hope. Mine are dark.
---> heh the poems from my teenage years could scare the hell out of freddy krueger LOL...I guess becuase i've matured, my writing has too.
I know I am an old man but I listen to alot of different music. I am still a young rocker at heart. There is a band called Linkin Park. They have a song called Somewhere I Belong. If you can handle hard rock, you should listen to it. It is so well written, all of their songs are.
----> I like linkin park...I think i've heard that song. A friend of mine just went to see them in VA Beach. I listen mostly to country...BUT i like a little of a lot of things..I have found several country songs lately that make me feel better ...the revenge kind of songs that are upbeat. I like those!
[/quote]
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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I like the "old-tennis shoe syndrome" I think you've got a good point here...sometimes I think I'm mourning the fact that my children no longer have a "complete" family but in retrospect I see it as it really is...they never had one to begin with...he was there in being but not in mind. As with your ex...my priorities are my children as his are himself...that's why he's still whining about not being able to pay HIS bills becuase of the CS amount. So get a second job...I think you're also right about the "what might have been" I guess I just need to remind myself that when I think "if he only he wasn't such a jerk" that he IS a jerk, HAS been for awhile, I TRIED my best to help him realize it, *I* can no longer do anything...it's HIS loss (and the kids to an extent but they are better off the way things are now) I know he's still going to try and have his cake and eat it too...he always does I need to keep my walls up and not let him in...I need to distance myself from him whenever possible. Just like last night, he called a little after 9 presumably to speak with the kids but because it WAS after 9 I didn't answer the house phone or my cell.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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Just Me, Try finding more to do during the day--especially physically. It will be good for your mind and your body.
I actually found waking up was the hard part for a while. Then I would go back to reality and realize how much my life had changed--with a sinking feeling. I think I'm past that, just have some sadness when new things like meeting son's first serious gf come up, and he's not there to talk about it all with. Other son leaves for college soon and that would normally have been a "family" event, but now it'll just be son & me hitting the road.
It's been about 2 years since my separation, 1 since divorce for me. The sadness hangs around, but keeping busy has kept me on a fairly even keel. Divorce is a crappy thing to go through, at least if it wasn't your choice, but things will look up for you, really.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Edited by Patrice (08/15/07 08:28 AM)
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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Divorce is a crappy thing even when it WAS your choice...atleast in the circumstances where its not what you really WANT but you know things will never change and you can't continue to live like you were...I guess i'm fortunate in a way becuase this has been coming for years...I've done a lot of my grieving and wondering why and so on during my marriage. Now one thing that helps is when I can continue to remind myself WHY i felt it necessary to divorce....like the fact that when I met him my oldest was 3...he took her in...INSISTED that he be called "Dad" and not his real name...NEVER introduced her as a step child...didn't like people knowing it...a few years into it signed an affidavit of paternity and put his name on her BC, changed her last name...he's the only father she's ever known and now rather than continuing with that commitment he'd rather drop her than to have a financial obligation. He's even pissed becuase he has to shell out $754 a month for his two bio kids. He's been calling around trying to see if I'm lying about what I pay for child care and whatnot becuase he doesn't want to have to pay that much. Thinking about things like this helps get me out of those ruts.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Lotsoflight
member
Reged: 07/02/07
Posts: 105
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JMAT,
I could be posting what you're posting right now. I am still in the process and probably months out from it being finalized and I'm completely sick of this raw gaping wound that bleeds profusely at the most unexpected times for the most unexpected reasons. I just want to stop hurting.
After everything that he put me through, after all the times I thought or spoke about leaving him, why, WHY do I sit here and mourn so deeply. I also don't want this for my children and I also know he was never there in spirit. I also missed what could have been. I always had faith in him to be the kind of father and husband I knew he could be but he never stepped up, he never tried, he rarely gave any effort.
Were our expectations too high?
Were we looking for something that just doesn't exist?
Will I ever feel normal again?
Will I ever feel wanted, loveable or safe again?
Will I ever trust anyone again?
Someone tell me I will. Please tell me I will. I never ever thought someone could endure this much pain.
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"When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do."
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Dear JMAT,
What you're going through is so normal. I was married for over 20 years when X left for pregnant OW. We had 2 sons who were 12 and 15 at the time. The first few months after I discovered the affair and before we both finally decided to divorce, I cried buckets. Day and night. The only time I didn't was when my kids were around. Somehow, for the most part, I managed to hold it in when they were home. I was lucky they were in school all day, so I could let myself mourn, cry etc and somewhat recover by the time they got home.
Of course I made it worse by listening to certain songs that expressed how I felt and would cry even more. The crying, sad stage lasted about 3 months or so. Then little by little, the practical side took over; the legal battles had begun and I had to fight for myself and the kids. Having that to occupy my mind helped alot.
Eventually I became angry. Incredibly angry. So angry that some of the oldtimers will remember, I had a screaming match with the X while exchanging the kids in a public parking lot. X had crossed a few lines he promised he wouldn't; I got mad; he tried to get in the car to talk to me; I wanted him to leave me alone; he kept insisting that I listen to his rationalizations; finally I cracked and said things that I thought I'd never say, in front of an audience of passers by! I wrote all about right here, on this site and everyone started calling me Banshee Woman. Consequently, when a poster became angry and began to rant at their STBX, it was called 'having a banshee woman' moment, lol. I was famous for awhile :).
Anyway, about 6 months, to a year later, the sadness, the hurt, the anger slowly started to subside into a melting pot of stewing emotions that I could keep a lid on.
I started to look outside myself, to the community, started volunteering, got into photography and found ways to escape it all, even if just for an hour or so. It helped. Plus I had some really good friends who forced me to walk almost daily with them. Then I began to jog just to get the seratonin chemicals going. For that brief time I didn't care about anything.
Long story short, my emotions went the gambit but over time things got better and better. So what I'm saying is that what you feel is normal and it's right. You were married to someone you loved, they broke your heart and you're going to mourn for quite awhile. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
I know it's painful and you want that pain to just evaporate. But it's important to face it the way you're doing by crying and writing about it. Btw, your poem is beautiful :).
Regarding your child and how her dad is walking out on her and even whining about paying support. Nothing makes me angrier than when a parent abandons a child. Nothing. It's pure selfishness, 100%. There's no excuse or reason to take out one's hurt or anger out on a child while divorcing or at any other time either. But it happens all the time and it boggles my mind...
Anyway, hang in there. Keep posting. It'll help soooo much. I don't know how I would have gotten through my divorce (separated in 2001; divorced 2003) without this board. It was truly a lifesaver. I've also made some very nice friends from here that I've met in real life. And some very nice ones I've never met in person, but converse with regularly through email, IM, and phone calls. I feel as close to them as I do some of my brick and mortar ones.
Big Hugs,
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi Drew,
Powerful poem. I especially love the following lines:
Untold years that no longer exist
Their substance a lie, a ghost in the mist
Ever elusive,perpetually taunting
Unseen by the real world
My personal haunting...
Wow... I don't even know what to say except that those paticular lines were incredibly touching. Keep writing.
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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Thanks. On days when I'm not feeling down I can see where it's normal to feel that way...but during those times it sure feels like i'm the only miserable one. I think I'm almost past the anger stage...for the most part anyway...or maybe i'm in the stewing stage...i'm not sure. I have realized that the less I have to deal with him the easier it is. Things are looking up for me...I'm that much closer to getting my divorce finalized (pray the judge signs the final decree), i'm moving out of my shoe-box house into a large refrigerator-box house LOL...seriously it's about 2 x's the size of the one I'm in...it's still a 3 br (my 2 youngest share a room) but it has more storage, a fenced in yard, bigger rooms, it's only $75 more a month and i'm going to be my own landlord...(i manage the rental properties for the people I work for and they own this house) It's an older home but has just been almost completely redone after a kitchen fire...brand new cabinets, countertops sinks, paint, flooring, etc etc. I'm really excited about that. To make things even better the company i'm currently renting from is letting me out of my lease early due to problems with the house. I have a church with members who are willing to help me move. When I left my ex I moved EVERYTHING i took by myself...refrigerator included. My kids are doing good and starting to adjust...I work for a wonderful family owned business...my employers have helped me out more than I could ever repay them for. I have a babysitter who has helped me tremendously as well. So all in all things are going rather well.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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