kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Hello all
From reading all the posts, I know most of you lost your spouses to another partner. Did you know this for sure or just suspect it? My husband left for someone much younger than the both of us. I had my proof but nothing that couldn't be argued. To this day he denies it. Anyway, I spoke to someone very close to him and found out that I was right about "her". I knew in my heart and thought I was getting past it. But after hearing it today, I feel like I got knocked back down. I get so tired of fighting to survive and be happy only to keep getting knocked down. I'm just tired. How do you get off of the rollercoaster. Does this ever pass??
Thanks for listening.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Kim
That little inner voice is there for a reason. It's your intuition, your perspective, your little devil. Yeah, your soul too.
Confirming what you already "knew" shouldn't be a big deal, unless some way, some how, you'd thought that he'd found a "pastime", or he'd been "soul searching" or something. He wasn't. He was just as shallow, and deceitful as you had thought - as your intuition had hinted to you - and I'm so sorry. I really am. But, it sounds like you knew it - deep inside, and just really wished it wasn't true. It was - He's a leech.
Rise up! Now that you've been "confirmed", and you know what a heel he is, empower yourself girl! WTF?! Why would you ever want to be with someone who is so shallow, underhanded, unloving, untrustworthy, juvenile.
Look - I took the high road too. Go, look in the mirror hon. You did the right thing. You were true, you did EVERYTHING RIGHT for this jerk. Now what? He's a looser. He could not be a man - keep his promise to you - and he won't to her either.
In a way, as hard as it seems, you should feel sorry for him. He's a child, and once this "toy" wears out, he'll be off to "toy's are us" - i.e. the local bar - to break more hearts. It's his self esteem hon. He's so insecure he needs to pump himself up by "conquoring" yet another woman, and breaking her heart too.
You know, you're better off. There is someone wonderful out there, someone true, genuine, real - honest. You'll meet him. Until then, empower yourself. I'm going through the same thing. There is such a thing as right and wrong. YOU ARE RIGHT! Revel in it, and smile. You did your best - he didn't. His loss, and thank GOD you didn't waste any more time....
Namaste - and chin UP! Still great to be alive, eh?
-SF
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I suspected it and actually had all the pieces of the puzzle except for the name. Example of pieces is knowing it was someone with a high schooler in either band or football in our town or the one next to ours. (was band, in our town) .
A dear neighbor told me who she had seen him with, I drove by the OW's house and there was his vehicle... still there at 3 am. It did put me back at the low peak of the roller coaster ride, but was also a relief to know who OW was. I do think confirming it for sure does cause a set back in emotions because even though we feel it is so, until we have the name, our sub conscious can tell us maybe we are wrong. But I can tell you this, what you are feeling today will pass. You will feel anger and pain, let it flow, don't try to submerse it. You have to feel the emotions in order to move beyond it.
I don't think I will be able to reach full recovery as long as I am still in the legal process... seems every few weeks there is some new wrinkle that angers me all over again. Been in this game for just over 3 years and enough is enough already. I know eventually it will be legally over, and I long for that day.
Some days I actually feel glad that ex found someone to be with.. sort of sounds crazy, but I feel it is a big step toward recovery. Once I get past the time limit for him to appeal the judges's decision on the divorce, or past the appeal (and thankfully he can only appeal it once!) if he does so, let the party begin!
Hang in there girl, it will pass.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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We have been apart since April. I know that isn't long but I thought I was doing really well. But you're right Karen about the legal part being over for it to actually be over. My stbx want to get a legal separation. Neither of us started a divorce, I refuse to be the one. That was okay when he said that though. It was last Thursday and I said that's fine, make the arrangements, the sooner we get past this,the better. But this thing with the girl, I don't know, maybe a part of me was hoping it wasn't true. On the brighter side though, I know the accusations I made during the end of our relationship were correct and that makes me feel better. I would have hated to accuse when it wasn't true. I gotta tell you though, this board has certainly been a life saver for me. thx
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Board has been a life saver for me also. Been here over a year and it sure helps to know we aren't alone, and that others currently, or once did, feel as we do or did. Hope that makes sense.
I did not file for divorce until 20 months after ex left. I agreed to try to do as dissolution, and wanted to give that a good shot. He was reluctant to provide all info I needed to make or agree to a settlement and after 20 months I had had enough. Then I also thought, he is the one who left, he is the one who wants this, let him make the moves to end it legally. In retrospect, I should have filed for divorce much sooner. What is so for me in this is not so for all though, and we each go forth with it as to what we feel is right for us, and at our own pace.
Karen
I think knowing that we were right regarding OW does help in more than one way.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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You might be right there Karen. Maybe I should just get the divorce going. The only reasons to not do it is to make him miserable and to avoid that emotional rollercoaster. But in the long run I'll only be hurting myself. Lord knows he is having his fun without a second thought. That's probably what hurts the most. They move on and don't care what they do to you. This is the person I loved with my heart and soul???
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Kim, {{hugs}}
It seems like such a contrite answer, but it's true, it just takes time... There are things that happen, that are like pouring salt into wounds that were just beginning to heal and then they hurt all over again. I was also told there was no one else, even when the proof was right before me. The only thing I can think of is they lie, because they know what they are doing is and they go into denial even about their own behaviors, to live with themselves.
There are no easy answers. You just need to be good to yourself and give yourself permission to cry it out, stomp it out, go punch a punching bag for a while and get the emotions out. Like all the hard stuff with a divorce, it will take you some time to get past this, but you will and you will be stronger because of it! Don't let him steal anymore of your life away from you than he already has.
Keep the faith!
Lori
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I wonder if they really move on, or just think they have? I mean, when a person is still married, how do they really move on so quickly to someone else? Is it the thrill of something many of them think of as taboo (adultery)? Thrill of the game, trying not to get caught?
In the case of my ex, he may think he has moved on, but until he corrects some of his behavior, he is not going to be happy.
As we are divorced, he no longer has any excuse (as in still being married) to commit to OW. From what I hear of her, she is all about the money. Too bad he now has, and will have when he retires, less than she thought he would.
As to filing for divorce, just do what feels right to you. In my case, I would have been further ahead financially to file sooner as there is a huge disparity in our incomes adn the court has evened that out so is not such a huge amount of disparity. I made the same mistake as many women do, agreed to concentrate our limited funds on furthering his education and not my own. I have worked for years and basically raised our son on my own in everything but financially. Instead I should have concentrated on getting myself a degree. Now at the age I am, it would be pointless. By the time I would finish, I would be a few years from retirement.
Although there are many similiarities, each case can still be different, there is no one shoe fits all. Hence we all move at our own pace.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Lori, maybe you're right, how can they really move on. Even though they wanted out don't they have to go through the same healing process, so to speak. If they don't then they end up in a rebound relationship too.
Karen, my stbx is trying to talk me out of a lawyer. Our assets aren't much and he told me that if I go to court I might end up with no spousal support. He is just trying to bully me. I spoke to a lawyer and she told me I would definately get more than he's giving me now. He wants to go through a mediator. That there tells me he is bluffing.
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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It passes. The ex didn't leave me for someone else, per se. However, she already had him in the wings and was full-on into at least an emotional relationship with him. Shortly after we separated and while I was foolish enough to believe in and pursue possible recconciliation, she moved him in with her and my two youngest daughters. So much for that!
Upon discovery of her cohabiting (she had all our children lie to me to cover for it) I exited the rollercoaster, bifurcated and pushed hard for the divorce and never looked back.
It decidedly passed and I got on with my life which is ever so much better than hers.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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