ginni
addict
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 478
Loc: second star to the right and s...
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First it's good to see you, "talk," about what's going on. Better to talk/type than hold it inside.
My education is in education. I would like to suggest a few things for you to do until you can be with your son again.
First...get a disposable camera and take pictures of yourself, where you work, places you like to go, scenery you think is beautiful, your Church...anything "YOU." Get a photo album and make a Book of Dad. If the Mom will let him keep it it will be golden! If not...start one at your house...and when you can visit...add to with pictures of him.
Second...read books on tape or burn them to cd. I can help you with fun suggestions. If there is one thing that a child loves it is to hear the voice of those they love. I guarantee he will adore the gift...but most especially the effort. My ex did that one year after we divorced...and every night at bedtime we listened to, "Daddy tell a night night story." Unfortunately...he stopped almost as soon as he started. Their loss.
Finally, when I do something less than pleasant...like go to court...I take along something to help me smile, or keep me grounded, or to help stay focused. The child in me draws a heart on my hand and then quietly "Places," those I love inside. Whenever I need a, "Hug," I squeeze that heart. Inside an MRI machine once, I closed my eyes and, "Posted to the board." I, "Saw," what everyone would say to me and it helped me relax. One girl, Gloria, wrote a bad word on a piece of paper and every time her ex said soemthing stupid she crumpled it. LOL...the lawyer had to ask her to stop.
Find what works for you. I have tons of other ideas for you and your son. Let me know what you think...we'll all make it through this together. Nobody need ever walks the hot coals of divorce alone.
Love always,
ginni
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Mommie? I love you more than bacon. AYL-01/20/2006
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Ginni,
Thank you so much. I miss him terribly, and I will do these things. Funny, I just bought a voice activated recorder tonight-I'm expecting some "defiance" on her part when we exchange our son and thought a little protection might not be a bad idea. They are excellent suggestions. I'll have to keep them at my place, though, A while back, I got a compostion notebook so he could draw pictures of himself, me or us so he "wouldn't forget" that I love him. On the inside front cover, I wrote "Daddy's Number" with my cell. aAt the bottom I wrote "x O X O X O". A few weeks later when I talked to him I asked if he remembered my number. He said, "yes, but Daddy, somebody scratched out my hugs and kisses". So I will keep it here. Ginni, I'm so emotional that I cried just reading your post. Now, I'm not a "big manly man", but neither am I a snivelling wimp. Does this EVER stop?
Well, news from the custody front: I'll be seeing him M,W,F, picking him up at school, and taking him back at 7pm. Then, every other Sat from 10am till 7pm and the opposite Sun from 10am to 7pm. Not nearly what I eventually want, but much better than I hoped for today. Next problem: I went back to work & told my boss. I said I'd come in 3 hours early those days to make up for the lost time. He said "well, we really don't have a flex schedule so we'll have to take a long hard look". If I was new, or hourly, I could maybe see that. But I've been there 20 years! I'm a supervisor! I really do about 3 jobs, getting paid for 1.5! I was floored by that reaction. I just can't seem to catch a break anywhere. But, I'll work on him & if that doesn't work I'll have to back off & only see him for about 1.5 hours in the evenings. My STBX apparently had massive parenting surgery in the past 3 months, because "he gets a bath every night at 8pm & is in bed between 830 and 9". B.S.! She would let him stay up as long as possible, so SHE didn't have to get up in the am. And we'll meet at 10am, instead of the suggested 830 or 9 AM, because "he has a hard time getting up in the morning. B.S. #2! He would get up and come downstairs & play with me or watch tv with me, while SHE slept. But, like a good little boy, I sat there, grinding my teeth and smiling and nodding my head.
My attorney says to sit back and watch, now she'll begin the self-hanging. That's the hard part. Being a sideliner and not being able to do anything.
One plus: when she walked into the room, I did a double take: "I married THAT??? What was I THINKING???" Part of that reaction was spite, but I told myself to be open minded. It probably won't help any tomorrow, but it made me feel a little better today.
Well, I went out tonight and bought a couple pumpkins and carving sets so we can carve this Saturday. There is the Army War College here in town, with a brand spanking new Army Heritage Center and museum. They' got Howitzers, tanks, & stuff strung out on a walking trail. He is really into the little green army men, so I thought I'd take him there and let him climb around, but it's supposed to rain all weekend.
Ginni, thank you so much for caring, as do most of you on this site. I long to come here after work. Today, I wanted to celebrate my little victory and felt sorry for myself that I don't have a "significant other" to share things with anymore. There will be, and I'm not thinking tomorrow is the day, but it's hard not to think about those things, you know?
Last night, I started to go to a support group meeting a an area church (which, by the way, is one of the most beautiful new churches I've ever seen). I didn't go in, because I picked up a phamplet on the Divorce Care, and found that they were on their next-to-last meeting. It wasn't till I got home that I fully read it-it's an on going thing! So, I'll go back next week, and one of my co-workers teaches one at his church on Sunday night.
Love to all,
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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ginni
addict
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 478
Loc: second star to the right and s...
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If...you go for you...and not try to find a quick fix...or find a date.
If I understand correctly you've been separated for three months. The absolute greatest gift you can give yourself and a potential significant other is to wait an entire year...I know, seems like forever...but one year to get back on track.
Groups I have attended for various reasons...were always a hodge podge of different people with different desires from the group. There are always those who want the group to carry them. Those who just want to get someone in the sack. Those who are totally focused on self and nobody else...and then those middle of the road folks who don't really have a clue what they are going to get out of it but are there to at least try.
I'm glad to hear it is a continuation situation. Those who have gone through for the first time will be there to offer support, much like this board. I've been married/divorced twice...and have been divorced the second time for over four years. I sometimes think about joining a local divorce care group...not so much b/c I need anything...but b/c I know too well the ups and downs and think it might be of great support to others.
You are making major positive strides. Keep up the awesome work!
Love always,
ginni
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Mommie? I love you more than bacon. AYL-01/20/2006
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Your stbx makes me want to poke her with a hot stick. I can't stand parents who don't care about their kids as much as they care about hurting their ex.
But the rest is good news! When does it start, and why no overnights? Hey, if it starts soon...you can go Trick-or-Treating! This weekend there should be some great pre-Halloween things going on everywhere....fall festivals and such. As for your boss....bah. That's too bad. I would get his rejection of "flex-time" in writing and present it to the judge as a good reason why you should be able to keep your son overnight.
I love ginni's ideas. I begged my ex to do the photo album for a few years after he moved out of state. It would have been so great for them just to be able to put everything in context.
Great about the support group! Personally, I would be hesitant to attend something run by someone I know from a different setting. I wouldn't feel like I could be as open...you know?
But congrats about the other! :-)
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Ginni,
If my strides are positive, why do I still feel like crap? That's really a rhetorical question. I know why, I just hate this feeling. I know that part of it is knowing SHE is sitting in MY house with MY son, getting MY money ($1200, child/spousal support combined. OUCH!!), and right now, laughing all the way to the bank. There are many, many circumstances here that I haven't told you, mainly because of some legal issues. But, I have been completely hosed by this whole thing. I don't care about the financial parts, but I DO care about how my character has been attacked. I DO care that she has, legally somehow, kepy my son from me for a month. I believe in God, and I believe that, in the end, God will dole out His revenge. But, I can't help but feel, well, almost abandoned through all of this. My fear is that, although again, He will be the Punisher, when will it be? Will I have my son out of that environment this year? The next? 2? Or will it be when he's 16? I know God doesn't work on our timetable, but man, when will it be "my turn", you know?
By the way, I AM going to go to the groups to meet, but not to date. My network of friends is small and mainly families, so I don't intrude a lot. I need some guys (or girls) to just hang out with and listen to their trials and troubles, as the listen to mine. Someone to go get a burger with, or watch the big game on Sunday. I don't have that. I did those things with my family, which I obviously no longer have.
Love ya right back,
Geoff
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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You haven't even heard half of what my STBX is like. I was blissfully ignorant for years about her "extra curricular activites", but I did watch her try to raise her daughter for the 7 years we were together. I became "the wicked step-father" because I tried to give discipline to her life. If, for example, she did something serious enough to get grounded, her mother would say "I'm not ruining MY weekend just because SHE was bad". excuse me, isn't that what it means to be a PARENT? That sometimes, your lives get changed in order to teach your kids what's right and what's wrong, or am I the nutcase here? Remember, my stepdaughter is now 15, will be 16 in a week. According to my son, this summer her boyfriend stayed over for 3 nights. (Not only that, but there's also my wife's 19 yr old boyfriend in the house. Now, if THAT'S not asking for trouble, I don't know what is). There are many other things as well.
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ginni
addict
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 478
Loc: second star to the right and s...
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I...TOTALLY...understand where you are coming from. TRUST ME. However Big Guy...you are looking at this with the wrong set of glasses. Get the ones that fit your, "Sleepy Lil Eyeballs," and look at this like a GRATEFUL person should. wink wink.
Many call me the Pollyanna...aka Ginnianna...of my generation. Ever seen the movie? She plays the, "Thankful Game." You have to figure out a way to be thankful in all things.
So...here we go...round one...Ding Ding.
Geoff: "I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to be rid of a woman in my life that was tearing me and my children apart."
Geoff: "I am thankful that even though I must share custody and endure trials with my former spouse I will be given direct and uninterrupted time with my son and teach him the things *I* feel he needs to learn."
Geoff: "I am thankful I got my head out of my behind and have many years to enjoy, parent, love and adore the most amazing daughter ever!"
Geoff: "I am thankful to live in a country where I can enjoy these freedoms without persecution or governmental control."
Geoff: "I am thankful to have this board and not be going through this alone."
Geoff: "I am thankful I had the chance to influence the life of my step daughter."
Geoff: "I am thankful it's her sleeping with a child and not me." (Looks bad on a resume if you are a pedophile.)
Geoff: "I am thankful my boss cares enough to seek out the best solution for me and my son." ***what I did not hear from your post was a solid, "No." I've been a supervisor...and I've been in some very scary/strange situations. You cannot just blurt things out. Your boss is very aware of policy and procedure and is most likely reviewing things to ensure EVERYONE is taken care of. At least I like to think so.
SO...deary...now it's your turn. Go back through the events of this last 55? days...and look at all you've been given. I say you are one lucky guy!
Another way to play the game is give the alternatives...
let's take a look:
Geoff: "I am spending the day crying b/c my wife is pregnant with a nineteen year old boys child."
Geoff: "I am spending the day at the Dr.'s office getting rid of an STD I contracted b/c my wife is sleeping with someone who is NOT her husband."
Geoff: "I am spending the day in Jail for beating that little punks behind instead of watching my daughter pick out her new car."
Geoff: "I am no longer allowed visitation b/c of the ugly things I said in front of my wife and it scared my son. He told the Guardian Ad Litem Daddy was a monster."
All those things aside...you could be sitting next to his hospital bed while he suffers from cancer or something just as bad.
Look for the rainbows Geoffery...they are there...with a promise of tomorrow and no more rain!
Love always,
ginni
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Mommie? I love you more than bacon. AYL-01/20/2006
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Geoff
I'm happy to hear that you will get your son. I know that means more than anything in the world to you. Brighter days are ahead.
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Ginni,
Darn it! Why do you have to be right? I know I have to think positive thoughts. I DO try. It's very hard to do right now. Everything you said is true. I have some wonder chances to renew a relationship with my son, and I honestly don't want to waste time worrying about the creature from the black lagoon. Since I'm trying to get custody, months ago, when I had him, I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say, hoping i'd hear some nice, juicy little tidbit to write down. Well, I'm not going there tomorrow. He & I are going to spend wonder, happy, quality time together. I'm so frustrated that I can't see the little tree struggling in the overgrown forest of my life. That won't happen tomorrow. Although I feel betrayed beyond the realm of imagination, tomorrow, that plays second fiddle. I've got a lot of things for us to do, just waiting to find out what he wants to do.
There was a time, not long ago, when I wondered, just for a split second, if he even WAS MY son. (there really is no doubt. Even if a paternity test, which I will not take, would prove otherwise). But that has passed. I absolutely praise and thank the Lord my God for the wonderous things He has created for me. I wished, again not long ago, that I had never met, nor married this woman, but then, I wouldn't have the most beautiful (don't EVER tell him I called him beautiful. Boys are HANDSOME, girls are beautiful, and he is a BOY!)boy I've every laid eyes on. I was there at the birth of both of my children, and I fell in love the minute I saw them. It's never changed and never will. The Lord has blessed me in many ways. And, although it doesn't feel like it currently, He is blessing me at this very moment in some way or ways, I know it. I just have to be (UUGGGHHH!! THE "P" WORD AGAIN) patient.
Ginni, I'm trying. I truly am.
Geoff: I am so thankful I found this website and all the marvelous, caring, helpful people on it. Thank you all.
Love you all,
Geoff
P.S. I'm not sure I could get through all this alone. Thanks for your support.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Kim,
I am SOOO excited I can't stand it! Right now, it's better than Christmas as a kid! I'm already looking at my watch, trying to get the time to go faster!!! Then when it gets here, I'll want it to stop moving at all.
Love,
Geoff
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