m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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How do I stop thinking about my ex wife and assuming she is happy ever after in her new relationship?
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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We are all assuming she began this new relationship before the separation/divorce, even if it was only a friendship until after you moved out. If that is true, she was unfaithful emotionally, and her new partner will hold that information in the back of his mind. That can be poison that eats away at the relationship.
My ex left saying he had found his "soul-mate", and for a while they must have been very happy. But the fact that she had three failed marriages behind her (and he had two) did not bode well. She was also crazy. But it took a couple of years for my ex to realize that. At first, he just thought she was "fresh" and "spontaneous". They lasted about four years.
All was not the bed of roses he thought it would be. After they broke up he called me and spent the better part of an evening telling me all about their break-up.
There was no talk of reconciliation with me. I think I was too far out of our relationship to want it back. But he did apologize for his bad behavior. He wanted out of our marriage and used his affair to force it. He apologized that he couldn't be honest and leave the marriage for the real reason...he just didn't want to be married--to me, to his paramour, to ANYONE.
I think we all look at our ex's new relationships through rose colored glasses. But if we were a fly on the wall we'd see that at least half the problems they had with us are usually carried over--their half. And they still have to deal with those in the new relationship. So all is not as great as we think it might be.
They have learned that they can just up and leave rather than work on a relationship, so it becomes easier when something goes wrong to just do that. That's why second and third marriages have an even worse track records than first marriages. And if they never marry, the break-up is even more likely since there's no legal mess to deal with.
My best advice, though, is not to sit around and wait for this to happen. Work on yourself and use every bit of time with your boys that you've been granted...and when the time is right, fight for more. Don't relegate yourself to the victim position because no one finds that attractive.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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"I think we all look at our ex's new relationships through rose colored glasses. But if we were a fly on the wall we'd see that at least half the problems they had with us are usually carried over--their half. And they still have to deal with those in the new relationship. So all is not as great as we think it might be."
This is exactly what I was thinking, Nancy.
My x didn't leave me for someone else, but he's now been married for about 7 years (we've been divorced 11). Since his wife had nothing to do with our divorce she and I have become friends over the years. I have the unusual opportunity to know for sure that my x is very much the same as he was when he was married to me. His wife deals with his issues much better than I did, though. Even though they have a good marriage it's not the happily ever after that people probably view their x's as having. Real life takes over in ANY relationship.
How do you stop thinking about her? When we no longer have what we once did we tend to over romanticize it. She is no more perfect than she was before, things would not be different if you had another chance. (maybe for a little while but not permanately) Her new man is going to realize that she is not wonderful all the time and the longer they are together the more he will realize that.
You can't control her life, her feelings or what she does. you can only get on with your own life. It sounds like you've taken steps to do that and you may find eventually that YOU are the one who gets to live happily ever after.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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