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chevygurl
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Reged: 10/03/07
Posts: 2
Looking for opinions
      #299330 - 10/03/07 10:15 AM

Hello! I have posted in the past and sincerely appreciate everyones honesty, so here goes with most recent issue! Am recently engaged to boyfriend of 2 yrs.
Background: One month prior to us meeting (2 yrs ago), he had a "reunion fling" with a woman he knew while he was stationed overseas over 20 yrs ago. He was a young man in the Air Force, and she is someone he met and fell in love with, and they were engaged. But then she didn't want to return to the USA, so they broke it off. He returned to USA and eventually met the woman whom he divorced nearly 4 yrs ago. Anyways, I guess this woman whom he had no contact with since he returned to USA, found him online and initiated contact. There friendship was renewed and she flew here to spend 2 wks with him. THey had a great 2 week fling and understandably a blast reunited! Well she returned to her country, and a month later he meets me and falls for me big time. 8 months later he asks me to move in with him, and then I found postcards, cards, etc. from her, so I asked him who is this person, assuming it was an X girlfriend since it was obvious that she loves him. Turns out they have remained "friends" and continue to email each other. She emails him alot, I don't think he responds too often. Last Xmas a card came in the mail from her to him...I lost it! I am seriously threatend that he remains in contact with someone who is an ex, they had a reunion fling and I totally feel she is carrying a torch for him--I've seen her emails! Why does he think that it is ok that he maintains contact now with her while he is with me, but never did when he was with his first wife? WTF??!? He has told me that he has no feelings for her like that, I have nothing to worry about etc. She is in another country, etc. I told him, as a woman--this other person should understand, and if she is really a freind, that he is with me now and how I cannot accept that his freindship continue?!?! I do believe they are still in contact, but likley less than 1x a month. He asked me to marry him now, and I want to marry him, but not sure how to go about bringing this thing to closure. Honestly the fact she is so far away, brings me no comfort! Lemme have it ya'll ! :)

Edited by chevygurl (10/03/07 10:18 AM)


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yregna
veteran
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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: chevygurl]
      #299641 - 10/03/07 04:15 PM

When I am in a relationship with one woman, I am with that one woman. If I am communicating with some other woman, I'm interested in nailing her...
Up til about 10 years ago I was always in the latter condition, always keepin a couple ladies on the back burner as protection for when the current women is unavailable. Anyway, now that I'm 43 I guess I'm slowing down, but one woman is enough...Or women in their 40s have higher sex drive...I'm not sure which.

Either way you are correct to be worried. Remember Billy Crystal in " When Harry Met Sally "...You pretty much want to nail them too...

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9476
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: chevygurl]
      #299728 - 10/03/07 06:56 PM

If you don't like it...walk away. He obviously doesn't agree with you that he shouldn't have female friends with whom he used to have a relationship.

I'm much the same as your ex. I will NOT end my friendship with my friends (some of whom used to be exes), just because I'm dating or going to marry, or married to someone else. Not going to happen. If someone I date has issue with that....he can walk. We'd both be better off.


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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: chevygurl]
      #299834 - 10/04/07 12:07 AM

Whether this woman is in another country or living down the street, I think she has less bearing on your relationship with him than your own insecurities do. You are feeling insecure that if this chippy shows up on his doorstep again that he's going to bail on you to be with her. You've seen the letters / cards from this old love, you see how she's after him, he's been honest and told you the background between them, and you're worried.

So I have to ask, do you trust him? Don't answer me with a 'yes but I don't trust her' - you don't need to trust her. She can be the biggest, skankiest ho with neon lights over her head and tassels hanging from her chest, but SHE doesn't owe you anything. HE DOES.

So do you trust HIM? Can you look at him and know that his love for you and his committment to your relationship are strong enough to withstand temptation?

While you're pondering the answers, consider this:
1) Lost loves are lost for a reason. Something about them was incompatible in the first place or they would never have split 20 yrs ago.
2) Hooking up for old times sake is an exercise in reliving the Past, not building a future. Its easy, its temporary, and its not built to withstand the day-to-day doldrums of life. Its escapism, pure and simple.
3) The more you consider this woman a threat and give him hell over her, the more power you are giving her in YOUR relationship. STOP IT. Dismiss her for what she was: a hookuup with an old fling before he met you, who is so emotionally needy that she sends an old lover cards from thousands of miles away. The more you validate her pathetic attempts to woo him by demanding he cut her off, the more needy YOU start to look also.

Dismiss the wench as a threat, and get to the core of your insecurity. Is it that you don't trust him? Why not? Is it that you think you can't compete? Why not? Do you feel like he's settling for you because she's not available? Why?

Whatever you do, you need to back up and punt in your attempts to declare your territory. He's probably looking at you like you're insane by ordering him to cut off contact with a woman so far away. There are much more subtle ways, ways that do not require controlling his behavior, to neutralize the threat.

Like, adding her to your Christmas card list. Be sure to include an informal update about the engagement along with a very nice photo of the two of you together (ring displayed prominently), and add kind words on how he's told you all about her, and that you both hope she finds someone special to share Christmas with. It may not slow her down, but it puts her on notice, and trying to woo great sex I mean a great man from so far away when he has a fiancee will become wayyy too much work!

My two cents anyways... Good luck-


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chevygurl
recently joined


Reged: 10/03/07
Posts: 2
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: Renee]
      #299842 - 10/04/07 04:42 AM

Very good points. Thanks for your comments! Yes obviously I am extremely insecure, past issues surfacing I suppose. I will work on this, very insightful. Thanks again!

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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: chevygurl]
      #299844 - 10/04/07 05:30 AM

Good luck CG. As long as he's playing by the rules, I'd look inward.

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ssmom79
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Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: Renee]
      #299986 - 10/04/07 12:31 PM

Renee that was awesome...you rock!

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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: yregna]
      #300201 - 10/04/07 03:52 PM

I'm impressed yrgna. That was pretty good advice. Thanks.

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nrvouswrk
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Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: 1004SRS]
      #300237 - 10/04/07 05:10 PM

[quote]I'm impressed yrgna. That was pretty good advice. Thanks. [/quote]
+++++++++++++++++

He has his moments! :)


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Badasp
addict
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
Re: Looking for opinions [Re: nrvouswrk]
      #300328 - 10/04/07 07:21 PM

I think this is how it's supposed to work. Nice advice from Yregna and Renee. Made me think...

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