kevin55
recently joined
Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 8
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I am just wondering if it is normal to not want to date after being divorced for over 6 months? I was almost married for 23 years and the thought of dating stills feels like i am cheating. She initiated the divorce by saying she never loved me and has moved on very fast and is now living with on of use to be friends (Very nice) I do some flirting with the YOUNG girls at work (25 TO 28 YEAR OLDS) but can't really even think about dating, not really them but someone more my age "45" group.
I have read a ton of the posts on this site and alot of the people here have very good insite and information, just trying to find out if anyone else feels the same way. It seams most of the people I know that divorce or even seperate are dating somebody the next day or next week!
I guess i was raised differently and thought marrage was forever. Stupid me thinking that. but i am just having a hard time with the thought of someone else in my life.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Hi kevin, sorry you're here but glad that you sought out a place to ask questions and get some opinions.
I realize that I may not be the best person to ask since I'm now convinced I need more cats -- you can't be the crazy cat lady with only two!
If you're not ready to date, then don't. If it still feels like cheating to you, then take the time to work the whole thing through. If you date before you're ready, you're not only doing yourself a disservice but you have the potential to hurt someone that may really like you and want more than you can give.
I think that it takes longer than six months to move past the emotions and upheaval of a divorce after 23 years of marriage -- that's just my opinion though. It's taken me almost a year to even begin to get past a two year marriage and I've been separated close to a year. It's only now that I'm even considering dating --
**muttering** I may still need more cats.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I got divorced after almost 30 yrs together...I didn't date until several years had passed, everyone goes at their own pace. The fact you dont want to and have a hard time with someone else in your life says you are not ready. However...you are divorced and single again, dont let hanging on to the X and the married life you had cloud that you have entered a new chapter.
Focus on new things for you...dating will come when it comes and good luck
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kevin55
recently joined
Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 8
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Thanks for the information, I have read alot of post from you beachbabe & annie7676 and the informaion you give is really good and thank you for your your very good information. And for you beachbabern you can always use more cats. Before my my wife left she just had to have a cat but her cat loved me and hated her so she left it here when she divorced me and she had a litter of kittens & they really helped me during christmas alot being alone and [censored]. she is pregnant with another litter of kittens so just holler if you need another cat LOL.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Send me some cats!!!!!
And thanks for the compliment kevin, if I can help with anything feel free to send me a PM.
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kevin55
recently joined
Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 8
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It has been a tough couple of days, It seams so screwed up my ex can move on with her life so fast. I head she is also looking at houses with the OM (he is such a [censored]) Some of my friends even when as far as to say she might have been planning this from awile ago. It has been almost 6 months but it still hurts sometimes wondering the WHAT IF's. But like alot of posts say it is day by day but damn sometimes it just suks ass LOL.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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kevin, it is a sad but generally true fact that the person that left has already done their grieving and has moved on , at least in their minds, by the time they physically leave a relationship **move out**
I myself am guilty of at least getting my financial house in order well prior to my STBX moving out about a year ago. There were good and sufficient reasons for that **like the seven THOUSAND dollars I had trouble getting him to pay back** and since our accounts were separate, he was unaware of the fact that by the time he left, my stuff was in order.
Yes, he left ME and I was getting MY things in order -- and after he did leave, man, I was a mess. With the help and support of three fabulous women friends who supported me and covered my six at work, I finally came out of a very dark place and started moving on. It wasn't until this past July that I finally found the guts to tell my STBX not to call, come over, etc. as each time he did, I was plunged back into confusion and emotional upheaval. I've been much better since then.
It does get better -- but keep in mind that based on what you said, your wife hasn't been an emotional participant in your marriage for a very long time -- there was just the actual leaving left to do in her mind. That's why she has been able to date and do what she does relatively easily.
As for me? I don't know what my future holds, whether it will be with a partner or without one. I thought I had found someone **long story** but that turned out to be nothing but smoke and mirrors. I've gotten to a place where I can do things with friends, with my kids and with and for myself in order to gain satisfaction from my life. I'm reasonably happy, self supporting, good looking and smart **at least according to the people that I know**LOL**
I do things for myself and that I love to do. The alternative is sitting in the house doing NOTHING and while during the winter months, I admit I do a bit of that, I still take care of me.
And say, about those cats.....;o)
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cyber_green1
journeyman
Reged: 06/07/09
Posts: 83
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I think that when someone rebounds to quick they end up in the same position and mess. I have been out of the house for a year and a half and I went on a couple of dates just to find out that the people were either players or just not for me, well I guess the real thing is that its like starting a business the real fun is starting and when you get to the point of just manageing it you wonder where the fun is anymore, but just rembermber a date is just a date to meet new people and make new friends.
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just sorta rambling, dont take my word for it I'm mostly wrong.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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I totally agree with you cyber_green, history does have a way of repeating itself when you get involved too quickly or without thinking things through and truly discovering the reasons that you felt the way you did and decided to leave.
I know for me, it's been a long road. I'll be separated a year next month. In that time, I reconnected with a very old friend that turned out to have different motives than I did. That is now history -- good riddance, I say. There is one other person with whom I spend some time with but since I'm not a **friends with benefits** kind of girl, that too will go by the wayside eventually unless he's willing to offer more.
It's awkward. I'm almost 50 years old. Would I LIKE to find the one person that I can spend my life with? Sure, who wouldn't? Am I willing to financially support them, their children and not be a priority to them? Nope, that was my last marriage. Not going to do that again.
The biggest problem that I encounter when I date is that the men out there are interested in the endless pursuit of **fun, fun FUN!** Well, I still have a job with a schedule, I still have a teenaged child at home and my time simply isn't my own all the time. I can't just drop and go, I respect my child more than that. I won't stay out overnight or have people stay here, that just doesn't sit well with me. The only thing that I absolutely need to do is be able to pin down a time that will be spent with someone else and not many people are willing to commit to that -- I don't care what we'll DO in that time, but there's no one here to take care of my stuff except me. I do the house cleaning, my laundry, my ironing, the shopping -- you get the picture. Lots of times by the time someone has called me, it's the last minute and if I toss everything else aside, then I wind up playing catch up all week long.
Maybe that's not a small thing to a lot of people but it totally tosses me inside out and struggling.
**sigh** So it's difficult. If I were to describe my absolutely perfect partner?
Financially stable. Has his own money and doesn't want mine. Decent looking, takes care of himself. Must love the ocean and the beach -- a person that loves to fish, to boat, kayak, read a book in the sun -- perfect for me. I like the laid back atmosphere of a beach community or coastal, how about that? I'd like to drink my coffee while watching the sun rise. Walk on the beach to watch the sunset. I like all the normal things people do -- going out to eat, I love the theater, dancing. I'm a couch cuddler. I'm not a bar person. Love spending time alone and with friends.
**LOL** I think my dream guy lives in Yugoslavia somewhere....;o)
The one change I'm going to make is to get out more, I can get lazy. Tomorrow, I'm going to a local museum that concerns itself with sea going places, ventures and restorations of ship's artifact and parts of ships. If I told you one of its exhibits, you'd know where I lived, if you chose to google it. I can clean and restore, I can research and I can do tours. Perhaps I'll meet someone wonderful, who knows? But I'll be doing something that I WANT to do, that I enjoy and getting out in the meantime.
Sorry, didn't mean to write my own personal ad -- as I've said to kevin55, the only thing I'm becoming certain of is that I need more cats......**giggle** It is what it is.
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kevin55
recently joined
Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 8
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Things are looking much brighter, I have been chating with a Friend for a couple of months, We just happen to play the same online video game. Well the more i talked with "her" the more i seemed to click with here (yea i know the old story but who the heck knows and i could really use a good friend (Female) No i am not talking about bed partner, I could find one here but I atleast know until i am happy and ok with me I would not be good for anybody else . She is about a year older than me and has been divorced for a a couple of years and is just fun to talk to and i really enjoy her company. I am going to visit some old friends and it seams this lady i have been chating with for the last 2 months only lives a hour away from them.
I have been telling her I plan to visit her all in fun but maybe i am catching some luck from the karma train LOL.
But the most important thing is i am feeling better about myself and my situation I didn't cause it(or i don't think i did) but its time to move on but very slowly.
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