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Confused925
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Reged: 11/19/09
Posts: 4
How can I ever even want a relationship again
      #602360 - 11/21/09 12:32 AM

This is kind of a rant but it has been on my mind for the past couple of days.....My first wife, who I was totally and deeply in love with for 14 years cheated on me with someone who should have been a brother to me...and then left me with the kids...at least I got to keep them, my second wife....had problems with drugs and alcohol...and would hit and scream at me...(fortunately I have no kids with her) and we are now seperated...so my rant or question...is this.....I am sure...that there are many good women out there...but with my "track record" why even try I mean I know how to be pretty happy with just me and the kids....and there is definately no "Drama"...It is almost like the risk sooooooooo out weighs the reward of ever being serious about anyone....that it is better to be just on my own, even after my kids move out...does anyone else feel this way

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BeachBabeRN
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: Confused925]
      #602391 - 11/21/09 06:58 AM

I'm on the same page dude, believe me -- it's not that bad being alone at all. I only have one teen son living with me at the moment, the other is in the military and about to turn 20 -- that's SO weird!

I've pondered the question for a long time. I'm not unhappy alone at all. But, I also think that anyone that I might become involved with is not in this area. I eventually want to live in a coastal town and I think it might be there that I find someone that has likes similar to mine.

Then again, I might just need more cats.

I've sacrificed a lot raising my kids and even as my youngest son tries and tries to push back, wouldn't trade it for anything.

So.....in answer to your question....that's at least one person that feels as you do.


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timbuktu
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: Confused925]
      #603996 - 11/25/09 07:34 PM

I agree with you completely!! I was married to my husband for over 14 years and he cheated on me all the time!! He moved out in January with someone he'd met on the internet..leaving me with all the bills..and a broken heart!!

It took me 6 months before I'd even leave the house unless it was to go to work or the grocery store and I cried myself to sleep almost every night.

Well, one day I decided that enough was enough and started going out with my friends and was having a terrific time just being single and not having to worry about all the drama of a relationship.

Well, down the road, I was out one night and met this terrifically funny guy..he asked for my phone number and called me a few days later. We started dating and I was having the time of my life with him!! He treated me like a queen..was always texting or calling me saying that he was thinking about me...but the thing that scared me the most was that he was saying, "I love you" on the second date.

Of course I didn't return it right away...I just thought it was strange that a 48 year old guy that had just gotten divorced was wearing his heart on his sleeve like that.

He'd say things to me like, "I want you to move in with me...down the road..I'd really think about marrying you..you make me sooo happy...I care about you too much..and I can't believe how well we just "click".

Yeah..THAT was a little too soon...the whole moving in thing and the marriage thing.

But being with the guy was sooo wonderful!! We had sooo much in common and laughed our butts off together all the time!! He'd hold my hand when we'd walk into places...hold the door open for me..put his hand on my knee when we were out places...kiss my hand..hold my hands, etc. He was never afraid of public affection and it felt sooo good!!

This guy was completely sweeping me off my feet and before too long, I found myself falling head over heels in love with him!!

We talked about my ex and what went on in both our marriages...I told him that he'd cheated on me over and over again and that I'd just had enough of the mistrust. His wife had cheated on him too so we both knew how it felt. He even made a comment to me one night and said, "Well, I want you to know that I'm not that kinda guy...I'm a one woman man..and if any chick would ever hit on me...I'm taken. I was raised up right by my parents to treat a woman nice so if you get flowers from me one day...it's because I love you and I'm not afraid to say it..I care about you too much and I want to treat you like you deserve to be treated."

WOW!! Nobody had EVER said that to me...treated me so well when I was over at his house...calling me babes and honey..making sure I had enough blankets..making sure I was comfy, etc. He showed me pics of his family..showed me around his house...showed me where the key was..and told me that I could come over anytime I wanted to..

He'd ask me things about my ex, "Do you still love him?" and I'd tell him no...that's over with." Then he'd say things like, "Yeah..my ex wants me back all of a sudden..but I'm not going there...she cheated on me..made her bed..and I'm happy with you.."

There were times he knew I was a little scared and he'd say things like, "Don't be scared babes...I love you and I'm not going anywhere..."

When we'd go to bed together..he'd hold my hand and walk into the bedroom. We'd fall asleep together and he'd say, "Goodnight honey...I love you.."

What a great feeling!!

He called me one night and told me that he'd been offered a small job fixing up a house down in Florida and he'd be down there for 2 months. My heart just sank...and I said, "Well..I'm not saying I LIKE it....but you've gotta make money so..." Then I said, "But I trust you...so go ahead...you certainly KNOW you can trust ME!!" and he flew off the handle saying, "Why did you just SAY that...it's like you're accusing me of it or something...why throw it out there anyways...I AM NOT YOUR EX!!"

Yikers...a simple comment like that and he blows a fuse?! He continued, "I'm gonna be thinking about you every second of every single day down there and I'll fly you down there for Christmas and New Years so we can be together...I'm not just gonna leave you sitting here for holidays...or weekend either. I'll fly you down there on Friday night and fly you back on Sunday afternoon so that you can go to work Monday morning. I'm gonna be missing you too!!"

What a great guy, I thought.

He'd ask me at times, "Would you ever get back with your ex...and do you still love him?" and my reply was always, "No...I'm with you now and I'm really really happy!!"

But ya know...after awhile his phone calls weren't consistent anymore. He'd blow a gasket if my ex stopped over to get something out of the garage..yet he could spend all sorts of time with HIS ex fixing her car..going grocery shopping with her, etc. He always told me that he was doing it for his 4 boys..that he loved his kids, etc.

I just thought it was kind of strange that SHE had a boyfriend..but he never wanted her to know about ME!! He made some excuse one time and said, "Well..it's better that way..I don't need her to be badmouthing you in the bars or anything saying, "Yeah....that dirty..blah blah blah..is dating my ex" cos he said she could cause a lot of trouble.

WHATEVER!!

He told his brothers and sisters about me..wanted me to meet them all..and said that one day down the road, I'd get to meet his kids...yet I was always the best kept secret when it came to his family.

One night he got really drunk and my phone rang..it was my ex so I didn't even bother to answer it. He says, "Your ex?" and I just said, "Yeah..he probably wants some sort of favor again..that's the only time he calls.."

Then he flew off the handle and said, "Sometimes I think you think about "playing the field with your ex!! I mean..why does he have to call you AT ALL...YOU TWO have no kids together!! He doesn't belong in your yard at all getting anything out of that shop...and if you want..I'll come over there and clean everything out of there so he doesn't have to bother you anymore. When he comes over there..just call the cops..it's YOUR house!!"

WOW!!

It's okay for him to have HIS ex crawling into HIS back pocket..and her telling him that she wants him back..but it's not okay to be friends with my ex ALSO??

Red Flag!!

I did everything I could for this guy to trust me. I was open and honest. I did NOTHING with my ex short of talking to him in the backyard!! One time my ex walked over to my place when he was having his oil changed just to say hello..(the oil change place was in the area)..he needed a ride back to pick up his car..but never even asked me for a lift..just said he'd walk back up there..(even though it was in the rain..).

I felt like crap as he walked up the driveway in the rain..wanting to offer him a ride since it was merely up the block..but I didn't want my current boyfriend to hear from someone that they'd seen me in the car with my ex..

UGH!! I wouldn't even go meet my ex for a simple taco one night when he was just trying to be nice to me cos again..I didn't want to be seen with him..and then have it get back to my current bf.

I did EVERYTHING I could for this guy to trust me with my ex...yet again...he'd spend all kinds of time with his saying he was doing it because of the kids.

Yeah right!! Does anyone smell something fishy??

He didn't call me for about two weeks. I figured he was just busy...and needed some space. Just this last Sunday night he called me and said, "I just got back from Florida...was down there for a week.." and I said, "Ahh...THAT'S why I haven't heard from you..." and he says, "Would you like to come over?"

I went over there and he's all nicey nice to me..telling me that he missed me, etc...but that he'd called me over there cos we had a problem...

"What's that?" I said. He says, "My ex wants to move back in here with me.." and I said, "Well..if it's a problem...obviously you're gonna let her.." and he just started going on and on about her not being able to make ends meet...she has no food in the house (the woman gets the maximum food stamps allowed because she's supporting 4 boys..ALONG with my boyfriend's child support!!)

He told me that when he was in Florida..that she'd taken care of the house (cos there was nobody else that could)..

Um....how about your GIRLFRIEND??

He told me that she'd picked him up from the airport (again..why hadn't he asked ME to do that??)..had come over with their wedding pictures...opened up to him and said that she'd screwed around THREE times on him..and that she was really really sorry and wanted him back."

Niice....!!

I played it all cool and stuff..but I was royally ticked off!!

He continued, "I gave her $500 for groceries and the boys came over here saying that they were hungry..I asked her what she did with the money and she said that she'd paid some past due bills.."

He continued, "The kids are freezing half the time cos the kitchen isn't heated where she's living (I told him to call the Housing Authority on the landlord)..Blah blah blah!!

All he kept saying was, "I've gotta take care of my kids.."

What a total bunch of bunk!!

So anyway..that's my story!! Trusted the guy like no tomorrow as he swept me off my feet!! The bottom line was, I was just his rebound girl and he was still in love with his wife the entire time!! As soon as she broke up with her boyfriend..things changed between us in a heartbeat and I just had a feeling...

So..I completly understand where you're coming from!! It just takes ONE person like that after you've been through the mill of one nasty relationship...someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet like my boyfriend did...and it just makes you think that you'd be better off alone!!

I mean...I TRUSTED him when he told me he'd never go back to his ex!! He reeled me in like nobodies business and I don't know what's worse right now...my ex moving back to California with his girlfriend and he's no longer around to chat with anymore as friends..or the idea that this guy totally swept me off my feet...and right before the holidays..tells me that he's probably gonna get back with his ex..

Where does a person GO from there?!! I have absolutely no desire to date as my boyfriend has completely left me hanging. The other night he told me that he just didn't know what to do...that he loved two people..but had to worry about his kids.

I said, "So..you still love her don't you??" and he says, "I don't know what I feel.." yet more than anything..she's playing him like a damned fiddle..just like she did when they were married..and she'll take him to the cleaners again...but then..that's HIS problem!!

He never DID call it quits with ME...he just said that he didn't know what to do...it was tearing him apart..that I was soo completely sweet to him and that (get this)..I was his "secret love"

You can say THAT again!!

I actually asked him, "So where are WE at right now if you're ex is gonna move in here? I'm certainly not gonna put up with being your girlfriend while your EX is living here.." and he says, "I don't know..I'm sitting on the fence with all of it...I just talked to a friend of mine that just broke up with his girlfriend and he's sitting on the fence also...I just don't know what I wanna do..maybe just be single for awhile??"

I just said, "Yeah..go ahead and be single for awhile...pave your own way.." and he says, "No..that's not what I meant..." as I'm putting on my jacket to leave!! He came into the kitchen and says, "Don't leave mad honey.." and I said, "Well...am I gonna see you at all this week?" and he says, "I'd really like that.."

WHATEVER!!

It's like a good song gone bad!! How in the world am I ever gonna have the guts to step off the curb like I did with this guy..trusted him like no tomorrow..as he LIED to me BIG time...reeled me in with all his I love yous..I miss yous and all his fake promises...only to take back his messed up ex!!

I loved this guy like no tomorrow and I think about him all the time!! He treated me better than any guy has EVER treated me and then just leaves me high and dry telling me that he's taking his ex back!!

I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life as this guy has really left a hole in my heart..worse than my ex did. At least my ex was a TRUE jerk...and this guy...well he's soo damned honest with me for the most part...it just tears me apart!!

I called a good friend of mine tonight and she told me, "Well at least he was honest with you about him and his ex...he could have gone behind your back.."

Yeah but..him being a nice guy and trying not to break my heart so badly....and let me down easy...well that isn't any fun either!!

I get it..I really do...but it doesn't make it any easier...thinking you're the love of someone's life and then they go back to their lousy ex!!

Has anyone out there been through this?? How the heck did you ever step off the curb again and ever trust anyone again?

To be honest...I'd rather just stay single as I'm sick of meeting men in the bar that wanna take you home...but want no commitment! They ask for your number and you know damned well that they're never gonna use it..it's just a ploy to get you into the sack and I'm not that stupid!!

My current bf wasn't like that..and that's what breaks my heart the most!! I think he honestly wanted to have a future with me..but all of a sudden..his love for his ex got in the way..and I turned out to just be his rebound girl.

The holidays are gonna suck as in the beginning..he told me that we'd spend Thanksgiving over at his sisters..that he has a HUGE family and that he wanted me to meet all of them. He told me that he'd take to his Christmas parties..and that he wanted to "show me off" to all his friends. He told me that he'd take me to his hometown, Crivitz..and have me meet the rest of his family...

I was sooo looking forward to the Holidays this year..as last year sucked since that's when my ex told me that he'd stick around for the holidays..but after the first of the year...he was moving out.

This is the first year I won't be spending Christmas Eve with my ex and his mom after 23 years!! The first Christmas morning in 23 years that I won't be waking up next to my ex and opening presents together.

It sucks and I thought..with my current boyfriend..that for once..I'd have some decent holidays...but not a chance...as I get to think about my boyfriend playing "Happy Family" with his ex...laughing and spending time with her, his kids, and the rest of her family making it look like they've reconciled...(what a Rockwell Moment huh??")

UGH!! Life really sucks sometimes.

Sorry about the novel, but I just had to vent to someone and this forum seemed like the best place to do it. Whether my boyfriend was honest or not...it still took the wind out of me cos I TRUSTED everything he told me..and that he wasn't going anywhere!! How in the world do I ever trust what any guy tells me again??!

Any answers out there?


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d2njti
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Reged: 03/05/08
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: timbuktu]
      #604076 - 11/25/09 11:44 PM

Going gay is probably the best option. Just ask Stuck. It's working out great for him!

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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: timbuktu]
      #604091 - 11/26/09 05:42 AM

ENjoy being alone. Don't jump back into the dating pool so quickly. Go to Vegas or somewhere warm by yourself over the holidays.

Go get a mani/pedi, a massage, a facial.

I'm really involved with church, I went to Vegas last summer, planning a trip to a coast in July.

I've dated here and there. But, right now, I'm not looking for someone serious. I'm too busy allowing myself to be selfish.


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timbuktu
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: 1004SRS]
      #604094 - 11/26/09 07:02 AM

Good for you!! I think that's exactly what I'm gonna do...just start thinking about ME ME ME!!

One lesson I've learned about this whole thing is that I will never date a guy that's recently out of a divorce. He was looking for love WAAY too soon...came on soooo strong...and then ran the other way when his ex broke up with her boyfriend. I had a feeling!!

She's a screaming "Mimi"...took him to the cleaners and they went through 2 foreclosures!! He had to sell just about EVERYTHING to bail them out of it!! She screwed around on him THREE times (and he talks about trust being so important!!) I hope she makes him miserable!!

The guy likes his peace and quiet..but he'll never have THAT again once she moves back in with him!! He'll be ripping his hair out..they'll be fighting all the time and she'll screw around on him the second he doesn't pay enough attention to her.

She drinks like a fish and then starts her screaming episodes. He does all the work around the house...all the cooking...all the cleaning..as she sits around on her ass. This is all I heard the last two months that I was with him!!

I was WITH a lier and a cheat, so I know! And I was a miserable nervous wreck all the time!! I never knew where he was..what he was doing..and took him back more times than I can count!! Yet everytime I took him back...there was always that doubt in the back of my mind and it drove me crazy cos he was constantly cheating on me right up until the day he left!!

Ya know..the funny thing about it was, when he told me that he was moving out..he was all nicey nice to me and when I asked him why..he said, "Because I don't want to hurt you.."

HURT ME? Oh..that was a good one!! He wasn't worried about hurting me when he was screwing around on me more times than I could count on both hands...writing women letters...chatting with them on the internet and meeting up with them.

But I'm glad I'm finished with all that. And he's actually sorry for everything that he did..but it's too late for that. I'd never be able to trust him again.

This guy I was dating has trust issues also, and I did my best to prove to him that he could trust me. Sometimes though..you just can't ever get past that no matter how hard you try.

Well, all I can say is, I hope he learns his lesson yet again and that he's just plain miserable. The house he worked so hard on fixing up..he'll lose that too. He's working so hard to get his business back up and running..he'll lose all that too!!

Oh well...his choice I guess. I just wish it didn't have to be this way because we really had something...and it hurts like hell.

He'll be over playing, "Happy Family" with her today..and the thought of it makes me sick!! Her family will be all happy that they've supposedly "reconciled" (PUKE!!)...for as long as THAT lasts!!

Wish I could just get over it.


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Confused925
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Reged: 11/19/09
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: timbuktu]
      #604988 - 11/29/09 03:56 PM

D2n....LOLOL....I thought about the gay thing but I just cant get over my attraction to the opposite sex......but on another note.....all I can say is the idea of taking my adult time for me seems to be the best idea right now....
Timbuktu....hang in there....I had weird flashbacks reading your post...because.....my second put me through the wringer too....and I can tell you if he takes her back being miserable is pretty much what he will get....but I figure the best reaction to that is the "getting on with your life" part and making things the best you can for yourself...there are too amny cool and wonderful things out in the world that a person...either single or not can enjoy.....I definately intend to find ways to just enjoy my own company for awhile when I have alone time...otherwise my kids are taking precidence....getting over things takes time...but one thing that really helps sometimes is when you really examine all those times in the relationship where you were left "holding the Bag" or those times where you factor of discomfort was high...usually....thinking on that helps to solidfy you reasons for making sure you never let that person back in.......lol....of course in my case that method is also making me question the benefits of any relationships in my future........either way I really believe that good things can be ahead...It is all what you make it......Take care.........


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AloneInTheDark
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: Confused925]
      #605806 - 12/01/09 01:25 PM

When you lose all hope, then you know you hit rock bottom.

--------------------
AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.


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timbuktu
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Reged: 09/26/09
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: AloneInTheDark]
      #614938 - 12/26/09 11:06 AM

Thanks for your input Confused. I've taken some time to myself since this has all happened (and it was all fresh when I wrote those lengthy posts out of anger and frustration..), but life has gotten a bit better now that the big holiday is over with.

My husband took a big toll on my heart the 2008 holiday season and finding myself with a broken heart again the following year didn't do my confidence any good. In addition, finally filing for divorce this past November was the most difficult thing I ever had to do after 15 years of marriage...but it's something that HAD to be done.

He's now living out in California with the chick he'd been fooling around with. When he was home for a few months in September..I found that there were times I still wondered about my feelings for him, yet I was involved with what I thought was a wonderful man that made it much easier to finally file for divorce and move on with my life since I finally realized that the feelings for my hubby were more a comfort zone than anything else (sorta like an old comfortable holey pair of jeans..)

It was a tough one..filing for divorce and having to tell my hubby that I had. And then to have the guy that I was in what I thought I was in such a great relationship with all of a sudden basically dump me (while I found out later that it was all an excuse that he was taking his ex back...the truth was...he just didn't want to deal with the drama of my divorce..what a copout!!), well, it just threw me for a loop as I had feelings coming from all different directions and it really took a toll on my self esteem!!

I have my friends though and that's what's most important now. They've all been very supportive and have made it a lot easier to keep going.

I'm not in any position to date right now and my New Year's Resolution is to do more for myself and put ME first for once in my life!! Life's too short not to!!


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scboatman945
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Reged: 12/29/09
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Re: How can I ever even want a relationship again [Re: Confused925]
      #616224 - 12/31/09 08:13 AM

I've definately come to that conclusion myself. Just keep in mind that not all relationships have to be live in relationships. What's wrong with having girlfriends? They generally treat you better than wives do and if things go bad you don't have to lose your home and start over.
As you get older, the numbers definately give men the advantage on this. Just learn from your mistakes and don't be bitter. If there are no kids involved, marriage just ain't worth it.


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