INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Then there are times when i really just feel sorry for him. I feel guilty that he's here by himself, living by himself.
I want to be able to help him as well as help our marriage. I wish i knew how to stop feeling guilty. Sometimes he does really nice things for me and thats when i miss him the most.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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I think this posts says everything and you need to re-read what you wrote. You know what you need to do, you just need the strength to do it. At this point you are looking for someone to give you the answer you want, which is that you should stay, when it seems like even you know that's wrong.
Think of wasting 25 years and living like this all that time. If that's what you want then you should stay. :o(
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Debi, that was my next thought.
To the OP -- based solely on what you've written here, it appears to me that there's a struggle for control with both of you. You want to be treated a certain way. He wants certain things his way. If this is happening in a marriage that's less than a year old, think how much worse it'll be as years start to accumulate. It doesn't sound like a great way to live and to walk back in KNOWING this is the way it is?
I know I wouldn't do it.
I don't know how old you are but you do sound very young. It also sounds as if in certain areas, YOU don't really know what you want. Do you truly love this man? Or do you love the **idea** of being married? That's an important distinction and I'm hearing the latter.
You simply can't make someone do things your way. I'd say the same thing to your husband if he was the one here asking the questions. You can either choose a life of frustration or accept the fact that this is over.
I went back and re-read both your original posts. Based on his behavior, YOU don't trust HIM. Not that it may not be a valid statement to make but truthfully, will you EVER trust him? I have found that if someone agrees to move past the transgressions, there's only 2 outcomes. One, is that with a LOT of work, they live happily ever after. The second is that the issue will continue to rear its ugly head in the future.
Once trust has been betrayed, it's very difficult to truly regain. To a certain extent, I also see you as very controlling -- you want him to love you the way YOU want him to love you, you want him to treat you the way YOU want to be treated -- in both scenarios, you're essentially controlling HOW he loves you and what he does to accomplish what you think you deserve. He's coming up short --
You can't make someone do something your way, I learned that lesson awhile back -- you can't control emotions, actions, that are experienced by someone else.
You've only invested what, a year in this? Call it quits and move on -- if you don't, I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll see you here again in the future.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Debi, you're right I don't have the strength to go through with it. I can't put my foot down and just say NO to him. And yea i shouldn't be wasting his time either, but He's also part of this marriage & he should also take the responsibility to figure out whats not working or what is & to say NO to me too. But he's just doing nothing & it's hard to work with that. Yea I give him credit for being nice at times, but it's not really solving anything. So No i don't want to waste my time anymore, I just need Strength to let go.
And BeachBabeRN, as far as Trust is concerned, I don't trust him based on his lack of actions/words. But it's not that I may Never trust him again. I WANT to, I truly do, but it takes time and effort on his part. So far I've given MY effort to continue seeing him at the apt, being his friend, hanging out with him,trying to talk to him,...etc. I don't think he's interested in solving anything, I think he's more interested in pretending nothing happened and moving on. And yes you're right, I am controlling on what i need from him, but i think I deserve some straight forward answers now as to what he's willing to do if he really wants this marriage to work. I'm getting mixed signals from him and it confuses me too. It's hard for me to let go, thats my other problem. But maybe it's true, maybe i just like the "idea" of being married....but i still have alot of feelings for him, regardless of anything or anyone. I'm willing to work on our marriage,willing to compromise, willing to be there for him, willing to move back even, But he has to be Willing also & I can't keep kicking a dead horse. I just need to get stronger and learn to let him go.
I guess thats my only choice...? How do i do that?
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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Walk away....your "overemotionality" is driving me crazy just reading your posts.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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I'm trying to walk away. I really am. It's just hard to let go. I'm not the type of person who likes to give up so easily. Makes me feel like a failure. I feel like i failed my first marriage in just 1 year...it seriously hurts. He's been calling me to come over to the apt for a week now, but i've been making up excuses not to go. So we've talked on the phone this past week. I saw him finally in Therapy on Thursday morning and we talked. After therapy he just walked away since he was upset that i wouldn't come over to the apt. Oh well i guess...One day at a time...
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Just today he tells me "I don't know if i want to be with you" WTF?! I've been sick for few days and he says that i don't know how to take care of myself and doesn't know if he wants to be with me. I'm sorry but what just happened here!? YOU don't want to be with ME??? I'm beyond frustrated at this mess.
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buckwheat
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
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Look, if he is saying he doesnt want to be with you, then he doesnt want to be with you. Whats the problem? DO you not understand plain english? Hes already given up on the relationship, maybe hes a wimp and wont just say hes not into you, but that is what he is saying, you have nothing to hold onto or nothing to save here.
Sorry Charlie
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SherryCalhoun
recently joined
Reged: 06/04/12
Posts: 11
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My name is Sherry Calhoun and I'm casting a new documentary based on a growing trend in relationships. I am looking for couples who are Divorced or Legally Separated and are still Living Together. Please feel free to pass the information on to your clients, friends, family members, or anyone with an interesting story to share. If you have further questions, I can be reached directly at the number provided below.
Best,
Sherry Calhoun
Casting Producer
818-842-2496
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