INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Some of our ISSUES:
1. Communication - alot of misinterpretations & misunderstandings. No direct communication. Sometimes we don't talk to each other and keep assuming things. Alot of assumptions.
2.) IN-LAW!!! - His parents are disrespectul towards me. Ever since he's moved to Texas to be with me, they've resented me for that. They keep telling me that I should do what he asks now since he's moved there for me. They have yelled at me, hung up the phone on me, and even hung up the phone on my Mom. He's always defending them. He's always complaining to his MOMMY! I'm tired of this behaviour from him and them.
3.) TRUST ISSUES - As my previous post, we have ALOT of trust issues. Mainly from his behaviour from the past. and Even recently. Not being able to develop Trust. Not talking about it. Him not realizing that he needs to make an effort to BUILD it.
4.) Finances - He's been demanding on opening a joint account with me, but i've refused. I tell him that I still don't trust him enough with money and cash and HOW he handles money. I tell him I need more time to trust him and for him to SHOW me his accounts and balances in order to prove that he's trust-worthy, but he keeps refusing. He tells me to trust him blindly now, since i'm being so paranoid. WTF?? Can you ever trust this type of person blindly??
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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For 5 months of seperation and still no resolution to any of these issues. Am i just waiting for nothing? We go to marriage counseling and the only thing we're working right now on is Communication. Learing how to talk to each other again, without the anger. I keep thinking that if after even 5 months of seperation doesn't motivate a husband to be with his wife, then nothing will. I don't think he's interested. I think that I'm doing all the work and taking on all the responsibility while he's just reeping the benefits. I'm tired and fed-up now. Should i just call it quits and move on? Should I wait around for him to grow up and be responsible? Please give me some advice...
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Call it quits, move on.
And do one other thing -- read your posts as if your best girlfriend had written them -- what would your advice be?
This is seriously over, you've been separated 5 months already, file the paperwork and get out before you get any more involved. Do NOT open joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.
The bottom line? You never should have gotten married.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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In the past five months of seperation there have been moments I've wanted to quit, but i don't know, I still have hope. When we interact with each other as friends, we're really good with each other. Surface talking, joking around, hanging out,...etc. it's all good. It's just when deeper issues about our marriage & these Real issues come up, we both tend to avoid talking about them and if we do then we fight because we both are too stubborn. And yes, you're right I should have NEVER gotten married, but I did. I gave him a chance because some part of me believed in him. I mean if a Man is willing to move his whole life and leave his family behind to be with you, doesn't that mean something??? And yes it has been 5 years of seperation but little progress. He's been really stubborn in telling me to move back in first & then try solving the big issues. And again I told him, "I don't want to jump in blindly again". Either we improve the relationship from the beginning or it won't make a difference. He's been a willing participant in coming to Therapy, but still he's adamant about wanting me to move back in with him. And he told me he WANTS a joint account, thats the only way i'll have access to whatever he's doing with money involved. His own words. Do i give in to his demands? Do i move back in and Try to resolve these big issues? And i'm just so frustrated in being Indecisive about what to do that I don't know how to tell him that it's over?? How do i tell him something like that even though he's been coming to Therapy and is now opening up to talking about things, that all of a sudden i want a divorce??
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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No, no, no, no, no.......to EVERYTHING.
Separate accounts -- IF you wind up moving back in, there's no reason to have joint accounts. Set up one for your living expenses **rent, utilities, etc** NEVER EVER comingle your money. He's using this as some kind of bargaining chip -- and it's working. You want to control, he won't let you unless it's on his terms and I'm telling you, it WON'T work. Has he been affording the rent, utilities, etc. since you moved out? Says something at least.....
Moving back in? Bad, bad, bad idea. If he won't work with you on the marriage and its issues while you're apart, what incentive does he have to do it when you move back in?
If he truly wants the relationship to work, then he won't pressure you. You shouldn't pressure him.
Honestly? I don't see a good outcome. You're involved in a power struggle and neither one of you is willing to give ground.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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You NEED TO GROW UP:
Just read your post, you sound like a 15 year old.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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I think for the second time this year, dude, I completely agree with you.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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BeachBabeRN, i appreciate your input and you're right about him not having any incentive to actually work on our issues if I decide to move back. Thats pretty much me throwing away 5 months for nothing and still getting stuck at where i left off. Well what should be my next step? I have told him that we need to start talking about everything, and he's agreed to talk. But again, my problem is HOW he approaches the issues. He doesn't get the point that we're adults and we need to Learn how to address and discuss each issue in order to resolve it. We don't pressure each other, we just need to learn HOW to talk to each other about deeper problems without offending each other. I give up...
And it's not about growing up, it's just that i'm trying to be patient, but i can't keep teaching him how to treat me. He can't seem to make up his mind either and stick with it.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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"but i can't keep teaching him how to treat me."
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they can. You are going to have to accept that you can not MAKE him behave like you want him to. You can not MAKE him think like you do.
Your next step is one of two things. You accept him as he is or you move on. You can't go into a relationship trying to change someone. It simply doesn't work. You can talk until you're blue in the face but if he doesn't have it in him to be able to talk out problems then he's never going to. Loving someone and that person being the right person for you are 2 different things.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Thanks Debi. It's just that i'm afraid of both outcomes. I'm afraid to move on & afraid to move in. His love confuses me. I believe he wants to control me, not love me. If in actual he did love me, then we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. And he would have done something by now to show how much he regrets doing what he did. This isn't love to him, it's just a game and he wants to win. He's the one that acts like a child instead of a grown man. Im not sure if it's my job to teach him How to make that transition into married life, but it seems that he just wants to control his version of married life. I'm willing to compromise with him, but it's him that needs to realize that and meet me half way. I know he wants me in his life, but he's got to work at it and do his part.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Then there are times when i really just feel sorry for him. I feel guilty that he's here by himself, living by himself.
I want to be able to help him as well as help our marriage. I wish i knew how to stop feeling guilty. Sometimes he does really nice things for me and thats when i miss him the most.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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I think this posts says everything and you need to re-read what you wrote. You know what you need to do, you just need the strength to do it. At this point you are looking for someone to give you the answer you want, which is that you should stay, when it seems like even you know that's wrong.
Think of wasting 25 years and living like this all that time. If that's what you want then you should stay. :o(
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Debi, that was my next thought.
To the OP -- based solely on what you've written here, it appears to me that there's a struggle for control with both of you. You want to be treated a certain way. He wants certain things his way. If this is happening in a marriage that's less than a year old, think how much worse it'll be as years start to accumulate. It doesn't sound like a great way to live and to walk back in KNOWING this is the way it is?
I know I wouldn't do it.
I don't know how old you are but you do sound very young. It also sounds as if in certain areas, YOU don't really know what you want. Do you truly love this man? Or do you love the **idea** of being married? That's an important distinction and I'm hearing the latter.
You simply can't make someone do things your way. I'd say the same thing to your husband if he was the one here asking the questions. You can either choose a life of frustration or accept the fact that this is over.
I went back and re-read both your original posts. Based on his behavior, YOU don't trust HIM. Not that it may not be a valid statement to make but truthfully, will you EVER trust him? I have found that if someone agrees to move past the transgressions, there's only 2 outcomes. One, is that with a LOT of work, they live happily ever after. The second is that the issue will continue to rear its ugly head in the future.
Once trust has been betrayed, it's very difficult to truly regain. To a certain extent, I also see you as very controlling -- you want him to love you the way YOU want him to love you, you want him to treat you the way YOU want to be treated -- in both scenarios, you're essentially controlling HOW he loves you and what he does to accomplish what you think you deserve. He's coming up short --
You can't make someone do something your way, I learned that lesson awhile back -- you can't control emotions, actions, that are experienced by someone else.
You've only invested what, a year in this? Call it quits and move on -- if you don't, I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll see you here again in the future.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Debi, you're right I don't have the strength to go through with it. I can't put my foot down and just say NO to him. And yea i shouldn't be wasting his time either, but He's also part of this marriage & he should also take the responsibility to figure out whats not working or what is & to say NO to me too. But he's just doing nothing & it's hard to work with that. Yea I give him credit for being nice at times, but it's not really solving anything. So No i don't want to waste my time anymore, I just need Strength to let go.
And BeachBabeRN, as far as Trust is concerned, I don't trust him based on his lack of actions/words. But it's not that I may Never trust him again. I WANT to, I truly do, but it takes time and effort on his part. So far I've given MY effort to continue seeing him at the apt, being his friend, hanging out with him,trying to talk to him,...etc. I don't think he's interested in solving anything, I think he's more interested in pretending nothing happened and moving on. And yes you're right, I am controlling on what i need from him, but i think I deserve some straight forward answers now as to what he's willing to do if he really wants this marriage to work. I'm getting mixed signals from him and it confuses me too. It's hard for me to let go, thats my other problem. But maybe it's true, maybe i just like the "idea" of being married....but i still have alot of feelings for him, regardless of anything or anyone. I'm willing to work on our marriage,willing to compromise, willing to be there for him, willing to move back even, But he has to be Willing also & I can't keep kicking a dead horse. I just need to get stronger and learn to let him go.
I guess thats my only choice...? How do i do that?
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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Walk away....your "overemotionality" is driving me crazy just reading your posts.
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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I'm trying to walk away. I really am. It's just hard to let go. I'm not the type of person who likes to give up so easily. Makes me feel like a failure. I feel like i failed my first marriage in just 1 year...it seriously hurts. He's been calling me to come over to the apt for a week now, but i've been making up excuses not to go. So we've talked on the phone this past week. I saw him finally in Therapy on Thursday morning and we talked. After therapy he just walked away since he was upset that i wouldn't come over to the apt. Oh well i guess...One day at a time...
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INEEDSOMEHELP
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
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Just today he tells me "I don't know if i want to be with you" WTF?! I've been sick for few days and he says that i don't know how to take care of myself and doesn't know if he wants to be with me. I'm sorry but what just happened here!? YOU don't want to be with ME??? I'm beyond frustrated at this mess.
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buckwheat
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
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Look, if he is saying he doesnt want to be with you, then he doesnt want to be with you. Whats the problem? DO you not understand plain english? Hes already given up on the relationship, maybe hes a wimp and wont just say hes not into you, but that is what he is saying, you have nothing to hold onto or nothing to save here.
Sorry Charlie
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SherryCalhoun
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Reged: 06/04/12
Posts: 11
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My name is Sherry Calhoun and I'm casting a new documentary based on a growing trend in relationships. I am looking for couples who are Divorced or Legally Separated and are still Living Together. Please feel free to pass the information on to your clients, friends, family members, or anyone with an interesting story to share. If you have further questions, I can be reached directly at the number provided below.
Best,
Sherry Calhoun
Casting Producer
818-842-2496
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