I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Things have been pretty good the last week or two. I think I've come to the realization that things had gotten SO bad, that I had given up hope of ever saving my marriage, and I still feel the residual effects of that state of mind. Some of the posters on this thread do to, I think ;-)
My wife keeps asking me to tell her that I'm never going to leave her, and I can't. I can tell her that I love her, and I can say that I don't want to leave, but I just can't say that I'm committed for the long haul. I think that that is the biggest hinderance right now to the repair of our relationship.
Every time we have a fight or if she tries to put her foot down on a certain issue, I just think "how much more of this will it take?" Don't get me wrong, this is nothing like what was happening before. It is always trivial, insignificant things that don't even bother me like leaving a load of clean clothes on top of the dryer. Its just that I start wondering if this will be the fight that pushes us back to the edge, or over it.
It's really not fair to either of us for me to have this attitude, and if I gave it up we could probably work every thing out, but I don't WANT to give it up. It made me numb pain when things were bad, and numb can be a good thing to be sometimes. Besides, even if I wanted to, I don't know how. I mentioned this to the councelor, and she said it was a normal reaction, but offered no suggestions for "fixing" it (next time, I'll try a behaviorist).
I guess the bottom line is that I love my wife, but just don't see us together in 10 years, in spite of evidence to the contrary. Would that constitute a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or am I just denying the inevitable, despite the recent change for the better? This isn't the first time things improved and then fell apart again either, but how much of that was my fault for blowing things out of proportion? I think a good bit was.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Allow me to clarify something I said: I am starting arguments over the laundry on top of the dryer, I am the one holding back while my wife is moving forward, and I am the one who is causing things to get worse. When I think about it right now, I can only think of one thing my wife has said in the past week that could be considered argumentative, and I understand why she did it. On the other hand, I can think of at least three fights that I started.
Also, we are spending more time together, eating, watching movies, playing cards, etc. And we are having a pretty fun time together. She has moved forward and on, while I am stuck doubting.
So what I am wondering is, Will I eventually get over myself, or will we end up divorcing because I can't let it go? It feels very childish when I think about it rationally, but I am not ready to move on yet, either toward divorce or toward the future of my marriage. Perhaps at this point its just a "seven-year itch" which has come four years early.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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"So what I am wondering is, Will I eventually get over myself, or will we end up divorcing because I can't let it go?"
You have taken your first step by understanding the situation. the next is to prevent it from happening and move forward. It will take time.
Be careful, you are setting yourself up for a restraining order. That will be a rapid and harsh lesson as you enjoy your new home at the Motel Six or on your brother's couch.
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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This weekend, my wife and I took a trip to Florida. She said that it was the first time we went away like that since our honeymoon (except for our trip to Oxford, MS in March of this year, I would add). I tried very hard to put aside all guarded feelings and arguments, and the weekend was something idyllic, for the most part.
For me, I was satisfied with the way everything went except one thing: My wife got a massive headache every time we were alone together, and we completely avoided any intimacy the entire trip. I'm not saying that we didn't have sex, though we didn't. I'm saying that if I tried to hold her in bed she would groan and push away from me, saying that her head hurt too much. I know this is not her fault, and that she can't exactly control when her head hurts, but I feel kind of let down. We did spend several hours more in the hotel room than I think she would have otherwise liked, so I know she wasn't faking and that the migraines were serious, but I still feel disappointed, especially since she was sweet and affectionate in public (unintentionally teasing me).
Not really a very serious post, or something I'd consider progress or backsliding, but I felt a little raw about it, and needed to gripe somewhere.
For what it is worth, I think if this is the sort of thing I am posting here, that things are really starting to get better.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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