HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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I came here 4 years ago. I had been married for 4 years and had 1 year old son. I was ready to leave my marriage for 'the love of my life'. I spent almost two years thinking about leaving my marriage and then opted for staying in the marriage. There was no counseling. I could not see what counseling should bring. I had gotten married to my husband, because I sincerely liked and respected his personality. Romantic love and passion had not been part of the equation... Could I go and counsel that out of nowhere into our marriage?
I still believe that not many men can stand up to my husband in terms of integrity and many other essential qualities. When I got married to my husband I felt that it was a sign of maturity that I would choose with my head and not just let my stupid heart pick out a foolish jerk, like it had done before. I chose to not get hurt and disappointed and I did not get hurt and disappointed and felt deliriously happy and blessed and clever, until all I thought I knew, all I thought I wanted, all I thought I was collapsed into nothing when I met the OM. You know, when you stop and call everything into question and when you ask yourself: Was I mature or just the ultimate cowardly fool? Who the heck am I ? What the heck am I doing?
I came here, I got answers. Passion is a 6-month thing. Kids need both parents. Selfishness. No greener pastures.
As our marriage had been a week-end marriage, I thought that in order to 'save' the marriage I would have to move to live with him on a daily basis and that is what I did after two years of feeling paralyzed.
Four years down the road I can say there was not a single day that passed without me thinking of the OM. Not because he is better than my husband. In no way is he better. In fact, if there is someone who can truly drive me crazy and make me mad and disappoint me beyond belief, it is him. It makes sense, cause only the ones who are deep in our hearts can really get to us in such a way. My husband cannot make me mad or sad, there are absolutely 'no problems' in our marriage. It is a very happy marriage. So 4 years further down the road, I am already in a 8-year-marriage, a good marriage.
From the way I feel I could stay married forever or divorce tomorrow. 4 years ago I lost my convictions and I never got them back. I live with 'I don't know, don't make me think about it.' I live with 'maybe he will leave me for someone younger when he gets into midlife crisis and things will dissolve without me being 'guilty'.' I live with 'I live without pain so I have every reason to be happy.' I live with 'it surely is the best thing for our kid'. I live with 'I terribly miss the one who is so deep in my heart that he can actually hurt me.'
A saved marriage. A saved marriage?
Well, a continued marriage. And unless there is abuse, everything is better than divorce.
Right?
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Everything is NOT better than divorce. Staying in a marriage just because you can and its comfortable while continuing to practive emotional adultery is not, in my opinion, better. Its settling for half a loaf and subjecting him to the same, even if he doesn't know it.
Interesting that you admire your husband's integrity when that quality appears to be eluding you.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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Your post sounds angry.
> Staying in a marriage just because you can and its >comfortable while continuing to practive emotional >adultery is not, in my opinion, better.
'Continuing to PRACTICE emotional adultery.' I take it thinking of someone is practicing emotional adultery, like you sit down in the morning and say: Now I PRACTICE emotional adultery and think of X.'
>It is settling for half a loaf and subjecting him to the >same, even if he doesn't know it.
Well, you were not around 4 years ago, but my husband does know. He knows. I am not sure, but I think you are maybe a 'romantic' woman.
I believe that my husband is not the only man who'd rather live with his wife being emotional about someone else, as long as she is all his in flesh and blood and as long as she behaves in a reasonable and responsible way, than see her leave and bust the family unit. My husband is of the opinion that he and I are very different and that it is always possible that we can meet someone with whom we 'click' more, because they are more like us, BUT ...we are married and we do get along well and are a successful team.
By the way: emotional adultery - what does that mean anyway? To be perfectly honest, 'my emotional affair' and I spent a lot of time discussing, critisizing, fighting.... viciously at times... it was not like I was trashing my husband and making love in words or deeds to someone else. It was not about finding someone who can make me feel good about myself and flatter me. My husband never failed/s to comment on how beautiful, attractive, intelligent etc. he finds me. It is hard to put down in words what the attraction and all the whys of the emotional affair were...but I think it had to do with the feeling that this encounter was about personal growth on both sides... meeting someone who made you realize who you really are, how you really tick and gives you an incentive to want to change and grow ...grow together, keep discussing....which we did not.
>Interesting that you admire your husband's integrity when >that quality appears to be eluding you.
I hope insulting me makes you feel better. It surely does not make you look like a good person though.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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what exactly are you asking for in your post - validation to seek another man to fill what exactly?
is there no spark in your marriage? what have you and your husband done to recreate what you once had?
is this OM worth having in your life what it would do to your husband and child?
have you tried to make your marriage work - sticking it out is not the same as making your marriage work - counseling, date nights, family trips....for that matter, visit Slumber Parties and spice up the marriage, but are You trying or are you pining for some eye candy?
your husband seems to be the ideal man even to yourself.
what if this OM does not feel the void you are feeling in your life, or even if he does feel the void but you find out that it only lasted for say 1 yr or less, would that short time frame be worth it to you what it would cause your husband and child....
have you seeked counseling for yourself to see if you can find happiness for yourself without needing to stray.
or are you just finding the thrill of the chase of another man and not getting caught to be your fancy.
I agree, grass may not always be greener on the other side but your actions will not just impact yourself but a child whose life you will turn upside down.
I would not say yes or no to your choices but what have you really put into it, like I said, just passing the time is not putting forth an effort.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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erase2005
recently joined
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 1
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as a husband who has lived through both physical affairs (yes, affairs) and an emotional affair, either choice in this is not acceptable. I've suffered through her affairs because I listened to faulty logic and believed that I wasn't good enough, and therefore, this was my punishment. But I've come to realize that I was good enough, and that her selfish narcissism cheated me out of what should have been some of the happier years of my life.
Don't assume that your husband is OK with the situation. This is a situation that will affect at least four lives.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Emotional adultery is the giving of time, thought and emotional energy to somone else who is not the person you purport to be with.
If your husband knows and is willing to live with that, it's ultimately his loss and he has no one but himself to blame. Perhaps he doesn't realize that he deserves better. Then again, if he's comfortable and willing to settle for what appears to still be half a loaf, more power to him.
I am anything but a romantic woman. I'm a romantic man who wouldn't put up with it, and ultimately didn't.
I am a good person. I'm also a curmudgeon! 
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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>what exactly are you asking for in your post - validation >to seek another man to fill what exactly?
I shared my story. I noticed people being in the same situation as me 4 years ago and I told them what I did. That is it. Of course, I was trying to spark a discussion at the same time.
>is there no spark in your marriage?
There is friendship.
>what have you and your husband done to recreate what you >once had?
We have what we once had.
>is this OM worth having in your life what it would do to >your husband and child?
Well, at the time I did not think so and opted against him.
>Have you tried to make your marriage work - sticking it >out is not the same as making your marriage work - >counseling, date nights, family trips....
No couple counseling. He, too, thought that would be stupid. I once went all by myself. The shrink said a marriage that is not so intense is usually a good thing for kids, as the parents tend to focus on the kid instead of each other.
Yes, there were /are date nights, yes, many family trips. We spend a lot of time travelling together. We have a large circle of friends.
>are you pining for some eye candy?
Eye Candy? My husband is young, the OM was more like heading towards his 60s. So far for eye candy. And if you come up with the cliche of money and status now. The OM does not have more money or status.
>what if this OM does not feel the void you are feeling in >your life,
I am afraid he would not only fill it, but over-fill it, which I don't think is a good thing. Maybe that is part of my catholic upbringing that I think living an egoisme à deux is a bad thing. Plus my priority is my child. My decision for my husband was also a decision for my child, i.e. I feared that an emotionally intense relationship would take away too much from the time and energy I should
spend on my child. And of course, I had no wish to hurt my husband either.
>have you seeked counseling for yourself to see if you can >find happiness for yourself without needing to stray.
I am not straying. I have not been involved in multiple affairs. I don't go out by myself. I don't flirt. I don't do internet chat on my space or whereever. I look after my child, I work, I make plans with my husband. That is it.
>I would not say yes or no to your choices but what have >you really put into it, like I said, just passing the time >is not putting forth an effort.
I guess that is the point. I am putting in my time, all of my time and my husband put in some more attention and made a bigger effort to take time out to talk to me. The result is decently good, but that does not mean we came up with a 'new' marriage. Or that the things that lack do not lack anymore. And that is just what is. That is the whole story I wanted to tell on this board. And basically I would be surprised if our marriage was the only one that is like that. Maybe the whole mystery of long-term marriages is just that: mutual respect and the willingness to say: okay, that is it, maybe it is not the best out there, but it is OK.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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"...maybe it is not the best out there, but it is OK."
Back to my original premise of staying in a marriage because you can and because it's comfortable.
You're both settling because of the child. I hate to be the one to point this out to you but children come, grow and go. You two will be what's left. Pity!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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>Emotional adultery is the giving of time, thought and >emotional energy to somone else who is not the person you >purport to be with.
Wow, then indeed I am caught up in multiple cases of emotional adultery...with people of all sexes and ages.
How exciting! Of course, I am being sarcastic. I know that you mean...'to a person you are sexually attracted to and who could take the place of your spouse.'
>If your husband knows and is willing to live with that, >it's ultimately his loss and he has no one but himself to >blame. Perhaps he doesn't realize that he deserves better.
Interesting thought. Maybe that is so. Maybe the image I have of him and men in general is wrong and twisted. I always got the impression that men are into possession. I thought I found that confirmed from the many postings of ex-wives who said that their husbands - although presumably out of love - still came around for sex, going for happy polygamy, keeping the women from moving on to someone else.
It is well-know that in societies where women hold the power we do not find one woman with a bunch of men happily pursueing a life of polygamy. Too much emotional stress for women I think. Men seem to do better with that. If the women are in a position of power, it is always serial monogamy we find.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that my husband just keeps me as one of many. I don't think he does. Only that the thought of lack of self-esteem had not occurred to me as a reason for his sticking it out.
>I am anything but a romantic woman. I'm a romantic man who >wouldn't puit up with it, and ultimately didn't.
That is a very good point. I often asked myself: is the only reason he was able to put up with it that just like me he is not so emotional about the marriage, but looks at things from a very detached and 'objective' point of view. I don't know. After 10 years together we are still not comfortable talking about emotions. There is like a barrier there in that respect. It is very difficult with him really and two years ago he said he might not really be an emotional person or someone who is truly in touch with the emotional side of things. Now I can hear everyone shout: Counseling!
But he will not go there and there will be no couple counseling. And you know why? Because counseling would bring up problems 'that we do not have now'. Counseling would bring up the questions I actually once asked him: Did we make a mistake by getting married? Do you ever ask yourself why we got married? Was it for health insurance?
That was mere provocation of course. I know we got married, because both our parents seemed be on the verge of dying and there was this ' God, I could be without family'-fear.
Anyway, counseling would open up a can of worms and turn the good there is into something defective and sour. I do not believe in counseling.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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> I hate to be the one to point this out to you but >children come, grow and go.
Yes, they do and hopefully they COME into a place where people devote themselves to them, GROW up in an emotionally stable place to be emotionally stable people and are so happy, healthy and sure of themselves to go out and try to conquer the world one day.
>You two will be what's left. Pity!
You think?
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