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Debbie_L
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Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
Re: Feedback on my situation [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #138792 - 08/22/06 11:44 AM

I have heard many stories about cops that abuse their spouses. I think as a profession, they are right up at the top for abusers. This type (and I'm not saying all cops are like this - of course they're not) enjoys CONTROL and POWER. I'm glad you are getting out, and you're right - it does sound like he may have a personality disorder. I got out of a relationship last year with someone who has bpd (borderline personality disorder), and he made my life hell. He also stalked me and scratched my car, etc. after I broke up with him. Be very careful - the break up is a very dangerous time with these types. Keep safe!

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BB1
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The abuse will not stop. [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #140236 - 08/26/06 02:51 PM

You need to copy and past this post on an abuse website.

Drirene.com

visit the catbox and paste your story in there to get advice from an abuse perspective and not so much a saving your marriage perspective. You are in a toxic relationship.

Him not doing the laundry and helping is because he has a huge sense of entitlement. He is an abusive man! Let your little girls grow up in this kind of environment, it will become all they know and they will likely end up in abusive relationships when they are older. They see mommy accepting it so they think it's okay. Think of your confusion and your pain. Is that how you want your girls to feel someday? Get them out into a functional environment. Abuse is not normal! Domestic violence is against the law. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve respect and kindness and so do your babies. Please post on Dr. Irene's site. You will get very valuable advice about abuse from the people there. They understand because they know how it feels to be demeaned and hurt.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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liftnbhappy
journeyman
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Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
sigh..... [Re: BB1]
      #140378 - 08/27/06 07:50 AM

thank you BB1. I am in so much turmoil. I will definitely read through that other forum. I need to. I need something. I'm going to start counseling next week, it was supposed to be couples counseling but he thinks I am trying to get him diagnosed as clinically depressed to sabotage his job. He accuses me of recording our phone conversations, he accuses me of prank calling him, I think it is his girlfriend calling and checking up on him. I don't know why he thinks I am recording our conversations, I don't know what purpose that would serve. But that has been the mantra lately. He has been accusing me of all sorts of things. I am moving back to be closer to my family and our home is for sale currently. He says he is "allowing" me to move back home, that he could take me to court and no judge would let me leave the state he knows the law. I just don't think he understands that I could take his daughters away from him permanently. He would never see them again if this went to court. I want him to be part of their lives and have been very amicable about making that happen, and he just keeps attacking me. His new trick is to either call me while he is working or we'll start a conversation here and then it gets heated and he doesn't want to talk anymore and he hangs up the phone or walks out the door and is gone. And here I am left to deal with all these emotions and still try and be the solid foundation for my daughters.

You are all very right I don't want my daughters to be in a relationship like this. I don't want them to be treated like this or to feel like this. It is just so hard to break away from him.

I have stopped being the crying blob in the corner and have gone back to being the self efficient mom my daughters know. I didn't realize how confusing it was for them to see their stability and rock crying and sobbing and weak and giving up. How scary for them. Time to stop being so selfish of my own thoughts.

Last week he wanted to try and make things work. Which I was elated over. He made this big production of deleting his girlfriends number out of his phone. We made love. I was hopeful. We talked and we talked about getting counseling together and that he might be suffering from depression. Well then he called off work that night to be with me and he decided to start drinking. He was talking and going back to his "you don't understand what you did to me" mantra. And couldn't get me to go to bed fast enough. I finally did and he stayed up and talked to his girlfriend all night. I found out the next morning and I was PISSED. I couldn't believe it. I know stupid me. If this was happening to anyone but me I could probably see this. I woke him up out of his stupor and told him I was going to call her. I reached down for his phone that was in his shorts on the floor. He jumped out of bed and grabbed me by the arm and pushed me back. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. No my daughters didn't see this they were sleeping, I know doesn't much matter. Well I called the girlfriend anyways. She didn't answer of course. I left her a message to call me. Nothing mean. Stressed her all out. She's calling him. I got a little bit of glee out of that. I know, sick. But she's been stressing me out, it was nice to return the favor. But alas, I am done with that, I don't need to talk to her to solve anything. The best way I can repay her is by letting her keep the a$$hole. Wouldn't his department love to know he called off work to drink a whole bottle of vodka though. No I have no intentions of threatening him with that or calling them. The thing I am pointing out is that he is so paranoid that I am going to do something vindictive when if I was going to do something to ruin his career I would have done it by now. That doesn't serve me any purpose or my daughters. Last night he came home drunk. He decided to drink on duty. He stopped at a bar while he was still on duty. Nice, huh.

This is just the biggest mess I have ever gotten myself into and it would be so much easier if I just didn't love him. sigh....

I am really hoping that the counselor will have some good things to say to me to really help me with this. Regardless, his apartment will be available on the 15th now, date got moved back, and he will be out of the house. Which I think is huge as him being here all the time is not helping me let go.

Keep pointing out the blatantly obvious to me, as you can see I have my blinders on. They are coming off but not easily.


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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
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Re: sigh..... [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #140379 - 08/27/06 08:15 AM

If you keep doing things to deliberately provoke him (waking him up and telling him you are calling his gf, reaching for his phone, etc.) he is going to hurt you, possibly very seriously. I understand the need to punish him, but you are the one who is going to get hurt.

You need to lay low, get your ducks in a row financially and emotionally, and get the hell away from him. It does no good to verbally spar with him. A judge will decide how things are going to be. But you need to provide evidence for the judge to rule in your favor. If you can get your hands on some money, I'd hire a private investigator to do some snooping.

--------------------
Lisa

Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.


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BB1
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Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
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the accusations [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #140381 - 08/27/06 08:28 AM

Accusations are normal for an abuser. It's their way of justifying the abuse in their sick minds. It could also be he has Paranoid Personality Disorder. Does that mean he has a mental illness and should be excused for abuse. No it doesn't. Yep, get yourself educated on abuse (verbal, emotional and physical) and you will begin to see exactly what he is doing and why you stay. Once you know, it's easier to break free. I think you should see a therapist/counselor who specializes in abuse. You can get that kind of therapy free at a local Domestic Violence shelter.
The night he stayed home he pulled the hoover manuever on you...he sucked you right back in for a little while just like a hoover vacuum cleaner. Then when he thought he was a success, he turned around and called his OW. It's hard to leave, even an abuser, sometimes especially an abuser because they have conditioned your mind into thinking you are a 2nd class citizen, a piece of poop, no one else would want you, etc...Everything he ever said to you is NOT true! They peck and peck and peck away at your soul until it's gone. You will lose all confidence and strength. Don't let him peck your soul away. When he says something mean to you, know he's lying to keep you in the relationship. God, if he has a girlfriend he should just go...but it's all about control. Abuse is about control. Bless your heart...get help before he kills you or hurts your girls.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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liftnbhappy
journeyman
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Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
Re: the accusations [Re: BB1]
      #140398 - 08/27/06 10:38 AM

I don't mean to make anyone else here feel like the advice they have given me was not well received but BB1 you have put the situation in true perspective for me. You are absolutely right about him sucking me in a little only to punish me again. He keeps telling me he wants to move on with his life and then I start taking steps to do that and he gets angry at me or plays the pity card. The newest thing I also forget to add in my last post was the I am getting blamed for everything in his whole life. He says he has gotten crapped on his whole life and he found so much peace and happiness with me and I just took it away from him with my affair. He blames me for his mothers physical and verbal abuse towards him. She was an alcoholic, had a string of boyfriends, gambled all their money away and hit and verbally antagonized her sons. He is adopted, I think I stated, and when his dad passed away his brothers told him it shouldn't hurt him as much as he wasn't blood. He compares me to his mother, which infuriates me. I don't drink, I don't have a string of boyfriends, I had one affair, which was not right but I have owned up to it and never plan to do it again, I take great pride in our budget, we have no debt and a nice savings. I'm not comparable. I know this in my mind. Why do I need his validation? Why do I feel like I need to convince him, when I'm not going to be able to? I can't take the blame for what his brothers said. I have repeatedly told him to talk with them about that and that they probably said it out of pain. I can't do anymore than that. It's his problem to deal with, I can be here for him emotionally, but that is it. Why can't he see that? Why can't I just say oh the hell well and brush off my knees and elbows.

He has said all these sweet things lately, when before it was nothing but jokes, that I supposedly couldn't take. It's like why are you saying all these things now, when I needed them before. Telling me them then would have helped me say no to getting emotionally and then physically involved with someone else.

His entitled attitude only continues. And I love how you put that BB1, that is exactly how it is. I think I left this part out about him coming home drunk last night. He comes strolling through the door at 3 and starts his you don't know what you did to me game, had me up until 5 this morning and then I had to get back up with the girls at about 8. And it is now 1130 and he still continues to sleep. While I am out buying a patch kit for the wall that he put a hole in with his head when he was banging it against the wall telling me "how could you do this to me". Which is good, because him acting this way just validates everything. It helps me realize NO I'M NOT OVER REACTING.

I did buy a book on verbal abuse. Some of it felt like it related and some of it didn't. You see the physical abuse is not frequent. But the emotional abuse and the terrorizing is continuous. Like when he gets me in the truck and drives about 90 mph in the berm (the small space on the side of the road) on the interstate during rush hour traffic. Taking turns too hard and running lights, whipping in and out of traffic when the berm ends and almost causing several collisions. Or like last night to add to the list of his busting the wall, he held his gun to his face 3 times. Sheer terror. But if I mention that today I am severely over reacting he says, if he wanted to put a bullet in his head he would have done it by now. How is that supposed to take away what I felt when he did that? How is that supposed to make me feel better. Why do it then. The pity party.

I will head to the library tomorrow and look for more books on different types of abuse. I have been a reading machine lately. Mainly dealing with books on the children, but you know I need to get myself straight or no damn book or amount of reading will be worth a crap for them.

I promise you all, I am done dealing with him. No more antagonizing him, let her have him, let her deal with it. I am done trying to prove myself to him. I am done trying to make a future with him. This is about me now and making me happy and content so I can be a great mom.


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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
Re: the accusations [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #140403 - 08/27/06 11:03 AM

I hope you mean this... it could literally mean your life or your girls life.

--------------------
Lisa

Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.


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BB1
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Re: the accusations [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #140409 - 08/27/06 11:35 AM

He keeps you in a FOG. (F)ear, (O)bligation, (G)uilt.

The gun - Fear
Pitiful Party - Obligation
The affair - Guilt

Walk out of the fog!!

Books = Ditch That Jerk and The Gift Of Fear

Take the gun slinging seriously. Know if it happens it will likely be a murder/suicide, not just suicide. My friend's husband shot himself in the face in March. He lived. He's blind. He has half a face now. He did it selfishly to leave her with a life of guilt, but he lived so it then became an issue of her going back because of guilt. He still had control but she didn't go back. She stayed strong and got appropriate therapy for domestic violence.

You don't have to live in a DV shelter to get their help. They can help you understand, get assistance financially if needed and they can help you with a safe escape plan.

You took ownership for the affair. It's done. He will never let you forget it. It's like his little ace up his sleeve. It's his tool for control. And lookie here, he has a girlfriend. He's entitled to an affair, but you are the world's biggest sinner? NO! That is a double standard.

Rocket Girl is right. You should never provoke him. If you want to do something, just do it without letting him know. When you feel the need to do something think long and hard about what the consequence will be if he finds out and then ask yourself if it's worth it. He is a very dangerous man and you should be very cautious. That's where I think the book, the gift of fear will help you. You know, if you don't want to go to a dv shelter for advice, you can always place an annon call to a hotline.

The abuse is about control. He doesn't have to hit you to abuse you.

The best thing that could happen for you is that he leaves for the OW. God looks out for people like you. He's trying to get the man out of your life. It's up to you to cooperate.

Stay one step ahead of evil by listening to your intuition and by always knowing his next move. Use your brain to survive this.

--------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.


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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
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Re: the accusations [Re: BB1]
      #140411 - 08/27/06 11:47 AM

Awesome post, Beebs.

I have often wondered about your friends husband and what happened to them...

--------------------
Lisa

Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

Edited by rocketgirl (08/27/06 11:48 AM)


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liftnbhappy
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Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
Getting the book [Re: rocketgirl]
      #140412 - 08/27/06 12:01 PM

I am on my way to the bookstore now. I will get that book. That FOG acronymn makes SO much sense. It's very good to hear all of this. YOu put it into such a context that makes me see clear.

The whole OW thing blows my mind. I just don't grasp the rational thinking of how he can harp on me and ridicule me but he can do it and it's OK, it's justified.

I do plan to call the hotline, I got the number. I don't need to go stay there. My mother is well off financially and I can draw on that if need be, however, that always comes with consequences too. I don't feel like being obligated to her too much with my daughters and I moving back to her home once my house sells here. We are going to be staying with her while I am having my dream home built on land that she gave me. So as you can see I am tapped out on the whole owing mom thing. Don't want to dig that hole any deeper unless I have to.

He woke up finally about noon and it was like nothing had happened. He took the girls to a movie and asked for a hug on the way out the door as I was kissing them. I told him no and he pulls the I guess we aren't going to be amicable like we agreed card. How does me being affectionate to him have ANYTHING to do with being amicable. And this is of course after he walks inside from being outside on the phone with the OW. WTF!!!!!

Yes, I do believe that someone is looking out for me. My grandmother who was plagued by MS for 37 years passed away 2 years ago on my birthday. Which was the 18th of this month. I think she's got my back. She was a very very strong woman. Like I said she dealt with MS for 37 years and never once complained about her own pain from the disease and the emotional aspect of being that sick. Every year she got worse and worse until she was bed ridden and couldn't even feed herself anymore, let alone talk. She was such a devoted woman to her family and all of her friends. I know she is with me right now.

I'm just so scared of being lonely. I mean that sounds so stupid. But I am just being honest. I have spent the last 7.5 years pretty much alone. His long work hours and working overtime and sleeping during the day. But I guess I have been like at least that little bit is better than nothing. I'm 28. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone enough to love them again and I don't want to be old and waiting for my daughters to come visit me as my only bright spot. I'm being over dramatic, everything is just weighing down. But its all going to be OK.

Thank you Rocket Girl for your concern. And yes, BB1, your posts are awesome


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