lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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So we have been trying to make this work for 4 months. Things have been ok, not great but working on it. Things just keep going downhill. Besides I have no rest at all, his moods are becoming impossible. I am trying to overlook them but I don't know how much longer I can pretend. I tried to talk to him tonight about his moods (which he always blames on his job) of course that ended up with him hanging up on me. Things I really feel are headed back in the direction they were in a few months ago. He is no longer going to counseling, says he can't work it in his schedule anymore. I don't know what to do. I am so miserable without him but I wonder if this is better or worse. The baby is a month old tomorrow and I know my hormones are still nuts and the fact that I get no rest. But my mind gets the best of me. The fact that there is no trust and the way he has been the last few days makes me wonder what I was thinking in the first place. Did I really think I would be able to get throught this? I thought I could and right now I don't know anymore. I feel like I have to kiss butt in order to keep him around and I am VERY unsure about how I feel right now. I have made alot of changes in myself and I don't really think he has made any. Not that I am perfect at all, but I bite my tongue so hard sometimes I think I might bite it off. Just venting, I just don't know if it is worth saving or not anymore. I think he is here for the kids and don't really think he cares about me much at all. Since the baby has been here it gets worse every day.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
Venting is good.
No offense if you have, but have you truly "let it go"?
When was the last time you guys went out on a date?
Why talking about the problems?
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I haven't let anything go. I am having huge issues getting past this. I do not want my marriage to end but everyday I feel him pulling away. It makes me think way to much about this whole thing and that maybe he thinks he made the wrong choice. I tried to talk to him this morning and he just left and went to work. I called him twice today to see how is day was going it is just short answers. I can tell he is very irritated. Do I just keep pretending?
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Okay sweetheart,
It is kind of a magic trick. I really don't know how else to explain it. You are letting your dignity be defined by him for now. Yes he's angry and you are going to have to accept that he may or may not come back, but you stand nothing to lose if you "let go". I'll explain what I mean by letting go later so you can tell me if you have really done this or not, but here are some practicals first.
First - stop calling him - send him a text message instead. One way communications so that he doesn't perceive it as you " auditing him". Something short and sweet, if you have to, nothing annoying since he is probably still in cold / angry mindstate. Stop expecting anything out of him. These calls are for you, not him. You are wanting him to say something nice for YOU, not him. You know that annoys him right now, so how is it helping? One way love sweetheart, for now. What you are doing is being perceived as "auditing him" by him.
Next - If the counselor you are using hasn't done anything after four months, get another one. This one obviously isn't doing any good, and doesn't seem to have a strong enough and persistent enough personality to keep your hubby going. You are going to need to really shop around for one that gets results - have you looked at divorcebusters.com, checked out all the churches near your area, looked in the phone book, asked your friends, etc.? Find the "best" one in your area - no second best. The best one will not be doing this for money, it is a passion with this type of individual. Find one.
Your patience will run out if you keep trying to do this by yourself - what I mean is even though your hubby is acting like a pr*ck right now, doesn't mean that he won't come back. I call it an anger cloud. His anger cloud will cycle in and out as long as you keep expecting something out of him for now. He can turn around after the "realization" sets in on him. Right now, it sounds like he's just running his life in pure "job, wife, house, two cars, a kid, and a dog" mode instead of looking out for the big picture. Does he have any kind of faith or is he purely a secular man?
Yes you are pretending - you are trying too hard and it is pushing him away and it will exhaust your patience. You've got to "let it go" so that you will come to almost a feeling of "enlightenment" or "peace" or "acceptance" of whatever may happen.
Again "let it go", in effect, "God - I trust your judgment - I hope this works out, but if not I accept what you want to do with this marriage because I know you have plan". Pray for 30 minutes at least. If your prayer is finally answered, you should feel a deep sense of calm and peace come over you - with a reckoning that you can handle anything in this world, followed by a new perspective. Oh... he's being a pr*ck right now, no big deal, I know there's nothing I can do about him, but if i keep working on me he has a much better chance of coming back and at some point I tell him how I did it so that he can transform himself and then we'll have the best marriage on this planet.
No more butt kissing, but that doesn't mean you need to be mean either. It is a balance. Think of it as giving him one way love (expect nothing in return) because you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to give up your dignity either. It is a balance. If your respect yourself - so will he. If you don't, he's going to flee. If you make some changes, don't expect him to turn on a dime.
Have you already made a list of the top ten things he has asked you to stop doing and stopped doing them?
Also, you may need to equip him with the facts. Research what happens to kids of divorced families. This information should be presented fairly, but if there is even a risk that it could affect his kid that should start to get his attention.
The job is his way of saying that he loves you - get that book "just for women" to understand.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I don't understand what he would be mad about. I took him back after he left me for another woman while I was pregnant. I haven't let go yet at all but sounds like this is something I really need to work on. He does not belive in God, which also has hurt this marriage as I am a strong believer.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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It sounds to me as if you've been trying to make this work for four months but are virtually alone in that effort. Therefore, it won't work for the long-haul. A relationship has to be a two-way street. One partner can't do all the work while the other either does no work or works to thwart what the other is doing. That benefits neither.
Sure you're hormonal and probably very tired as well. It goes with the territory of childbirth and post-partum experience. That's when you should be able to count on your husband to lighten your load and be as supportive as poossible. It doesn't sound as if he does either.
Now is probably not the time to make a major life-changing decision but at the rate things are going, that decision may be out of your hands.
You don't have to be perfedct, lsutton. That's an unrealistic expectation and goal. You only have to be the best you can be with what you have to work with. At the same time, you can't do all the work. He has to pull his own weight and fair share of the load. If he's not willing to do that then he's nothing more than a hindrance and so much dead weight.
His putting work before counseling, therefore putting it before your marriage, is very telling. He seems to lack the will to make the sacrifices necessary for you and his family other than financial support and that won't sustain you or the children.
I have no specific advice except to listen to your heart and your instincts. Obviously you can't rely on him so you have to be your own best counsel.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
Get the book "just for women" to understand what he might be mad about.
Also, it doesn't make it right, but why did he leave for another woman? Was there anything you did to push him away?
Can you let me know after you've read that book.
Hang in there sweetheart. Have you done the other things I told you about?
Also, those instinct things - they don't work very well in relationships at times, but you do have an advantage because women are better at that than most men. That said, much of it is actually counter intuitive and will go against your instincts. You'll see what I mean after reading that book.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Crap - he doesn't believe in God.
Grrr.... okay.. how strong is that lack of belief? Is he a scientist, philosopher, or really smart?
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Your posts seem to presume that lsutton is at some great fault here for not acquiescing to her husband's every whim and desire. I think you're way off base and were she to take what you pass off as advice she'd lose herself in the process.
It will take more than a book and denial of instincts and gut feelings to get her through this, however it's going to play out.
How about she concentrates less on what you think he's mad about and more on what she really deserves in a relationship which, if you'd been here long enough and read enough, you'd know she hasn't received in a very long time.
I'm going to be blunt. I find your approach and blame-laying extremely sexist and unrealistic, to the point of being deleterious. It seems to point to guilt just because she's the woman. Quite frankly I hope she ignores most of it and gains strength from her convictions.
Your gratuitous use of the designation, "sweetheart" also seems patronizing, paternalistic and demeaning, aka: sexist!
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I never said or thought I was the perfect wife, but I did nothing to push him away. I did at first but after taking a long look I know that I did not. I work, take care of the home and the kids. I ask nothing of him except to have a job. He does not believe in god at all. There is no faith there and I have accepted that. Sometimes I don't know what I deserve anymore. I love him deeply and don't want to live a life without him but I have to pick the lesser of two evils and I am very torn on which way to go. I agree that now is not the time to make a life changing decision so I will wait on that for now. To tell the truth I think I already may have lost myself to him. I have spent 13 years worrying about what makes him happy that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I think that is why when he moved out I was so distraught and devastated, I didn't know what to do without him. You would think with all the kids they would take up my time but it didn't seem to. I had a hard time functioning on my own. I know I know co-dependant. I know that I am. I want to get my life and marriage on the right track but also believe and can't do it alone. I already feel like I am pulling away and I want to stop doing that I want to make it work but it may be to late for us.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Getting your life back on the right track is within your power. Getting your marriage there as well may not be.
I really feel bad for you. You sound like too nice a person for this to be happening but everything happens for a reason and perhaps the best is yet to come. It may not involve your husband, however.
It's past time you concentrated on what you deserve, what makes you happy and what you want out of life, just for you, that doesn't involve anyone else but your children as they'll be yours forever.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Denial of instincts is exactly what it will take. Saving a marriage is counter-intuitive. Yes it takes time and it sucks.
Curmudgeon,
Your post presumes that I presume that lsutton is at some great fault.
Also, your implication that I'm not stating things in a politically correct manner is fair, but I have never pretended to be politically correct. It is also not politically correct to acknowledge the existence of God, but I do so on a regular basis.
Also, where you find the term "sweetheart" offensive and sexist I find it to be a word of compassion and for you to assault my culture and character with your presumption that I am sexist is rather insulting, but I digress.
There are always two sides and I was asking her to have a look at her side which she had undoubtedly done; however, sometimes we are not in always in full understanding of what we may be doing wrong until we have become better educated. I believe that the "book" I told her about may give her a better window into some things she may be doing that she was not aware could make a man "angry".
It sounds like she has been trying to do the right things, but what I'm asking is are those things tuned to his wavelength or is there something else behind all of this?
Something is driving it or behind it all - she can't work this until she gets that figured out otherwise it is just guesswork, thus the question.
Lsutton - I do agree with backing off some - you're running a marathon here and you don't want to run out of wind. If you keep trying to be "perfect" you are setting yourself up for failure because you can't do that forever.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you effectively kissing his a$$ to the point of losing your own self-respect?
Also for the belief in God thing, you may try some apologetics type books for him, but depending on how smart he is that may backfire - choose your books wisely. Could you even get him to read something like that?
On the pulling away thing - have you felt a "peace" or "acceptance of whatever happens will happen" come over you yet? It will be only when you get your self-respect back without him that you can begin pull him back towards you. Is there something you could do temporarily to make you feel like you again? What were you like before you met him? What were you into? Could you tune into some of that "you" before you met him to rediscover yourself?
Please don't take this the wrong way again, but what does not being a "perfect" wife mean? It sounds like you have actually been putting forth a lot of effort, but perhaps he isn't feeling the effort if it wasn't tuned to his wavelength. That book I suggested explains that part.
One of the things it explains is that him working hard is sometimes a man's way of saying I love you. Most of us can't understand that having a job is important for the family, but we tend to say to ourselves that the family can't exist without the job.
You might ask him what will he be working so hard for if the family doesn't survive. It will p*ss him off a bit, but it should make him think. Also, as explained to me by my counselor, if your family structure is struggling your kids are more likely to struggle later in life - more likely to get into drugs, teen pregnacy, that kind of stuff - so if you tell him that if he doesn't get on top of being a family man then he'll be a grandpa in 15 years he may just see some value in working on the family more.
Also - this may be risky and I wouldn't do it yet, but you may need to "shock" this guy some more to wake him up. Some "tough love" if you will. I think Dr. Dobson is the one who writes about this.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
I apologize if my posts came off a bit "harsh". I wasn't trying to down you even though I probably did.
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liftnbhappy
journeyman
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
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Hey ISutton. Girl, my advice is to just stop beating your head against that rock. You need to step back and just take care of yourself right now so that you are a whole person for your children. It really sounds like his affair and all that it entailed, the text messages, e-mails, the rotten things he said to you and to your children and the awful things he did to be vindictive and let her to do to you to be vindictive have defined your life and thought process.
You really need to get away from thinking about the affair and how he did you wrong. And he did you wrong, I am DEFINITELY not arguing that point. But you are going to drive yourself crazy obsessing over it. It really isn't getting you anywhere in your own mind or in your marriage.
I think you need to step back and take care of YOU. If he can't accept that at this point then so be it. Marriage isn't always 50/50, we all know this. Sometimes you give more than you get and you have been giving more than you've gotten for a long time now. It's time to take what you need, cause there isn't anyone else who is going to do that for you.
We are all here ready to listen to you vent and offer whatever little tid bits of advice that have worked for us or what panned out in our own stories, but ultimately it is YOUR story.
Shohn usually has a good bit of advice on these boards but I have to disagree with him on this. I think your husband is quite content in the fact that he never has to give you what you want because that takes effort and he really doesn't ever have to put much effort into it. You do that for him. If the only thing you are asking from him is that he has a job then that is the only thing he thinks he has to contribute. I think his guilt of what he had done this past summer ate him alive and he came home trying to be someone that he just isn't. And I honestly think it might not be someone he WANTS to be when the guilt wears off. So do you hang around and wait for him to do something stupid so you can guilt him into acting like a good husband or do you cut your losses and build YOURSELF back up.
At this point you need to worry about yourself and your children and if he wants to pick up the slack and participate too then he needs to do that on his own accord, not because you have hounded him into doing that. That is TOO exhausting for you to have to live like that. You already have 5 babies, you don't need a 6th.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Political correctness has nothing to do with the case. I work in politics and am about as irreverant and politically incorrect as you can get. When PC first sprang up in the early 70s I thought it would be a passing fad because surely, people had more collective sense than that. Clearly, I was wrong.
There absolutely different sides to a marriage AND a divorce, usually three. There's his side. There's her side. There's the truth which usually lies somewhere in the middle.
As far as "shocking" lsutton's husband goes, sometimes when dealing with emotions, men need a good swat between the eyes with a 2X4 to get their attention. Work can be an expression of love, protection and caring. However, it takes more than that to make most wives feel valued, sustained and supported.
Sometimes I think God had his tongue in his cheek when he created man and woman to live together!
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Actually lftbnbehappy - I completely agree with your post for once! She needs to build herself up either way - not matter what happens and if she does he is much more likely to start acting right, because she can't keep doing everything "perfect", just something reasonable.
Also, If he can't understand what it is like to have that many kids, has he ever watched them for any extended period?
I suggest you hitting the road for a couple of days if not a week and let him watch the kids by his lonesome. You could take the little one with you. You may tell him that he's going to need to take some time off. If he says no - well why do you have to ask permission? You don't want to be mean about it, but rather matter of factly.
When is the last time you had a vacation by yourself?
He may retort - well you do my job then.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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I agree with the 2X4 comment. That's what I needed for sure. It actually took me getting swatted about three times before I woke up and I still need an occassional reminder!
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Also, please don't start down this path, but you do realize that you have a few tactical advantages here (for saving the marriage). Please be careful with this information as I'm not trying to encourage a divorce, but rather just better equip you.
Is this guy really willing to pay child support on that many kiddos? Do you know the laws in your state - google can help with that or get a free consultation with a lawyer without him finding out. I'm not suggesting opening the divorce path, but instead becoming equipped with information and where it is possible to do it in "good taste" equipping him with information, but letting him make his own decisions.
You are trying to do the right thing here and work on the marriage, trying to forgive him, etc. but he isn't playing along for now and "allowing" you to forgive him.
I don't think your hubby has a "real" appreciation for what he may be getting himself into if you get a divorce. He probably has this fairly tale story in his head that he's going to get custody of the kids, etc. and leave you high and dry which is far from the truth in at least the great state of Texas. Women have a distinct advantage in this area. I'm not suggesting issuing an ultimatum or being suggestive about a divorce because that will make things worse, but rather equipping him with information. If you both work on the marriage he can be happier than a kid with a giant sugardaddy. Does he know this?
Three options:
Divorce - remarry with about 40% possibility of finding a happier marriage.
Live in Misery together - what many couples do.
Work on the marriage - clearly the best choice.
You would want to present the info to him, but let him make his own decisions, instead of forcing it. Something like, I thought you might find these stats and choices interesting, but I leave up to you to decide what you're going to do.
Also, I think that most men will listen to statistics. You might google for some interesting stats about "redivorce" rates in second and third marriages, general welfare of the children, who usually gets custody, how much child support, etc.
Please, don't let him beat you down when you have so many advantages that he probably isn't smart enough (at this time) to even realize you have.
Have ya'll tried mother's day out or something to give you some breathing room? I know that helped my wife quite a bit, but I had to have my mother's counsel before I would accept the value of doing this. I was more worried about trying to pay bills, etc. and then my mother said, well if your wife snaps and divorces you - then you'll really have to worry about paying bills.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Statistically about 70% of second marriages evaporate within the first five or so years. That's significantly highr than the failure rate of first marriages which I attribute to a lot of people rushing to relationship while still on rebound status. It can also be attributable to people coming out of failed marriages, not learning from the experience or working on themselves and taking the same destructive behaviors into a new relationship.
Most courts will award custody to the historically primary caretaker of the children. All states require cvhild support, some by a straight percentage of the non-custodial parent's income based upon the number of children, others based on an income-shares formula. Some require it to age 18, others to 21, still others through college.
Standard of living drops for mothers and the children are not unusual. None of these, however, are a good reason to stay in a loveless or toxic marriage.
By the way, Shohn, I got swacked big time when the ex left me, already with another man waiting in the wings for her. Ultimately, she ended up doing me a favor because my life has been ever so much better since, in all respects.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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>I already feel like I am pulling away and I want to stop doing
If your posts are representative for what you have been doing the past months, then you are not 'pulling away', you never were 'back' in the first place, because you could NOT TRUST, could NOT OPEN UP, never stopped BITING YOUR TONGUE, never let go. What did the counseling bring? Did it bring anything at all?
Do not be too alarmed if your husband withdraws in moments of stress. Most men do. Allow him to withdraw without getting all freaked out or making it mean the world. Surely do not make it mean that he does not care about you. It does not mean that. It just means that he feels stressed (and angry).
In former posts I remember you stating how warm and supportive he was. How he kept stressing how much he loves you. Back then you wrote 'of course, he says that'. I remember thinking 'why does she take all of the above for granted?'
I realize you come here to vent and you do not come here when things are going great. I understand you come here for support, because you still love your husband.
Fact is, I wish to support you, but I do not really know what to say other than two obvious things: (1) you have come a long way and it is normal that every now and then there are times of doubt. (2) A family demands a lot and gives a lot. Right now, you have a newborn in addition to all of your other kids and I can imagine how energy taxing that must be for both of you, you and your husband, but you are still standing together.
In my eyes, love is about staying and trying again , when others would leave. That is what he chose to do, when you had your affair, that is what you chose to do, when he had his affair.
Love is about staying, when others would leave. You both chose to stay, when others would have left. That is what you two have got. In addition to all the kids.
Hang in there.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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Btw if you do not manage to let go of the past, then he will keep withdrawing. Not because he just 'faked' his feelings for you four months ago or because he tried to be someone he is not. It is not possible to stay open and vulnerable to someone who keeps biting his/her tongue, cannot let go and keeps harboring resentment, distrust and doubt. It just is not possible.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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HO2 - Amen brotha!
Lsutton,
Just so you know what your are in for - it took us about 9 months beginning to end to have some real improvements in the marriage and it took a friend of mine two years and two divorces to get it back on track. In both instances, it was a male fighting to save the marriage with the female wanting to leave. We both agree that it was worth it even though it was the toughest thing we had both ever been through.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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You are all so right. I guess I tend to read more into things then I need to. For those you that have read my posts while we were apart I was miserable without him and I do love and want to spend a life with him but I keep kissing butt, not just being giving and kind but really kissing it in fear of him leaving for someone else. I just don't want to do that anymore. I do need to let the whole affair go as it is eating me alive. I just don't know how to yet. As far as scaring him, I work in law so he knows the run around. When he left before I made him immediately sign a seperation agreement and pay child support, which he did, reluctantly but he did anyway. He knows how hard it would be financially on both of us if he moved again. We have not agrued as I refuse to do so, if things start going that direction I change the subject or again bite my tongue. My family means the world to me and maybe I let that control my marriage to some extend but I still feel as though I don't know what direction to go in. I am sure you are all right that he is stressed out. A new baby, less sleep, financial woes, the whole thing. Also I look at the past and how he forgave me and how hard it was to get through. I am sure my marriage isn't near as bad as some out there, he is a good father and is not abusive, works to support his family (even though I work also) so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't complain at all. I just don't feel like either one of us are in this fully. Maybe it will come with time, maybe it won't I don't know yet.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
You've probably heard this before, but maybe you'd like to hear it again.
There are different ways to complain. It all depends on how you say it and when. If he doesn't want to talk about needs, then figure out a lure to get him to talk about needs (not problems). Something like "I like it when you do this..... or that" - not "could you stop doing that or could you please say you love me".
It is part of the cycle - unfortunately it sounds like both of you are in pretty bad shape right now - one does one thing and it pushes the other way and vice versa. You've got to do your homework if you want to make any progress in the other direction. With all the external stress it is a wonder that you both are holding up. It isn't easy - you know that.
I'm telling you, you need to tap into who "you" are somehow so that he'll remember the woman he fell in love with. Look at old year books or something, try old hobbies, books you used to read, something.
Have to ask, Are you doing your homework? Learning everything you can about personality types, how men/women think, common relationship battles, the cyclical nature of relationships / emotions, the push pull phenomenon, space requirements, confidence, etc. and then putting together a plan?
Does he have any "spare time" that doesn't go to the family?
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astrogirl
journeyman
Reged: 10/11/06
Posts: 59
Loc: New York
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You're amazing, lsutton -- your posts show how kind and generous you are even in this unbelievably difficult time.
I understand what shohn is getting at, but it seems to me that he, and some other posters, expect more of you than any mortal could accomplish. Shohn wrote, "Have you already made a list of the top ten things he has asked you to stop doing and stopped doing them?" Here's a little note for you to leave on hubby's pillow:
Honey, I know there's so many things I do that really irritate you. I want to stay married to you, whatever the cost to me & the kids, so I'll stop doing these bad things. I promise
1. to put your wishes ahead of my own needs. That's why I married you.
2. not to say "I love you" so often. You already get that old line from the OW.
3. not to expect you to be faithful. Boys will be boys. Besides, how can you get excited by a woman who's had 5 kids?
4. to be loving, sweet & attentive at all times. I can sleep when the kids go off to college.
5. to be hot to trot all the time, & not to let little things like pregnancy or post-partum hormones get in the way.
6. not to expect you to lend a hand w/ our kids. You have a real job.
7. to let you be angry whenever you want, because it's stressful for you to suppress your anger.
8. to suppress my own anger, because my anger is stressful for you.
9. to stop nagging you about counseling. Since you've figured out what's wrong w/ me, why should we bother w/ a trained counselor?
10. not to pray so much.
I've found that writing someone a letter that will never, ever be sent can be very therapeutic. It works for me, anyway, so I took the liberty of writing one for you. Hope it's good for a chuckle. Hang in there, girl!
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Love as if you would live forever -- live as if you would die tomorrow.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Astrogirl I love it. Definitely gave me a laugh.  I just know I need to figure out who I am or I will never be any good to anyone. I guess I don't give myself much credit. I have a successful career, take care of the house, bill, kids..etc. Also have managed to stay in shape after 5 kids, I guess it is hard to find time to eat. On the other hand, he does work of course, but that is about it. He has put on weight and become extremely lazy. But after all of that, the affair and everything in the past I still love him, I just want to be loved back I guess. Maybe he is having a hard time showing it but the man that came back to me a few months ago is long gone. I would just like him to come back.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19893
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Ya know...I think that as long as ya'll keeping focusing on the problems...the bad things...the negative...it's going to keep going down hill. I read in this book once that the focus should be on the good things, the positive...remembering the things that brought ya'll together in the first place.
That doesn't mean that you ignore the problems, but you create a more positive atmosphere in which to work on them.
It's like...many years ago I had to attend DV counseling because I slapped my boyfriend's face. I was SOOOOOOO not into going...I didn't want to hear about all this negative crap about how I was a "bad" person and what not and I wasn't the only woman in the class that felt that way. But we had a GREAT counselor and we actually looked forward to counseling because she focused on the positive and in doing so, we learned how to deal with the negative...in positive ways.
Tell him that HE IS RIGHT...the counselor sucks and you don't blame him for NOT wanting to go; that you're getting tired of all this negative crap and are going to start looking for someone different and you hope that he doesn't mind if it takes you a few weeks?
As for trying to talk to him about his moods...STOP! If you MUST talk to him...ONLY talk about things that are GOOD and LIGHT. Let him know that you appreciate the help he gives you or things he does. Do NOT even hint (critisize) that it's not enough or that you're doing more or that you need more...even if you do. A lot of people, when made to feel guilty (even though they are) will get defensive and lash back out; you don't want that.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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