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justjaded
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Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
34 going on 90 and ready to start over.
      #547858 - 06/24/09 09:11 AM

Ok Yes I am 34 going on 90 because I have been in a sexless marriage for 5 years first of all. Secondly, I am human and need love and not just a backrub!
That was putting it mildly but I feel this topic is so overlooked its just funny now. But in all actuality its killing this marriage. My husband is 14 years older than me and works like a dog for 8 months and then unemployed the rest of the time. I work from home so it makes the winter that much longer with him here all the time. I enjoy my time to mylself but when he does come home I want to feel wanted, appreciated and put bluntly get some action. I realize that having a son ( not by him) in the same house with thin walls its impossible for this to happen. (his words) but I feel I got ripped off from day one. I thought a marriage was to have an intimate relationship with your partner but I was wrong by a long shot. It has become a convienence financially. At this point, I am fed up and just a plain [censored], and he wonders why? We have no health insurance so therapy of any kind is out of the question right now, any other suggestions?
Frustrated to no end.


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johnson27
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Reged: 07/31/08
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: justjaded]
      #547864 - 06/24/09 09:21 AM

What about counseling thru a church?

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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.


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justjaded
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Reged: 04/02/07
Posts: 20
Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: johnson27]
      #547870 - 06/24/09 09:28 AM

We do not belong or attend church and I doubt he would go for that. I am game for anything at this point. Thanks

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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: justjaded]
      #547906 - 06/24/09 10:43 AM

What about the father of the child, canít he take son for a weekend so the 2 of you can spend some quality time together or do you have family that the child can spend a weekend with?

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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud


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justjaded
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: losingfaith]
      #547921 - 06/24/09 11:13 AM

The father is in the picture every other weekend and Wed. I work those nights and he is sleeping when I get home. ( I just picked up another job outside of the house. Other than that he is with me all the time. Plus, can't you have sex while children are home or is that a no no- Because I had eight brothers and sisters in the house while growing up and they obiviously had it while we were home. Plus my son goes to sleep at 830. SO? Now what? If I bring the conversation up he changes the subject. I am resorting to writing him a letter today. What should I write.
Ahem- Dear Husband- I am writing because I am frustrated. Please hear me out!


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johnson27
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: justjaded]
      #547934 - 06/24/09 11:38 AM

I think a letter is a great way to open the lines of communication. This way you can think about what you want to say before you say it. A letter leaves out possible perceived ugly gestures/tones. Also gives you a chance to word how you feel in a way that doesn't seem like he's being attacked. It's been my experience that ppl will respond much more willingly when they don't feel like they are being blamed or attacked. So instead of saying you do this, say this is how I feel when this happens or when this doesn't happen.

Also ask that the two of you get together to actually discuss this verbally after he's read the letter. When you do, allow him to speak without interrupting and try to be understanding of how he feels or where he's coming from also, because afterall that is what you are expecting him to do for you too.

I honestly don't know why it is he could be holding out, maybe the issues with a child being in the house are valid, maybe there is something going on with him physically that he is too embarrassed to share, maybe he feels disconnected if your jobs are keeping you away most of the time...I have no idea, but I do believe he should be honest with you about what's going on because thats the only way it's going to get worked out. And if the issue of the child being in the house is valid, then you guys should work together to come up with ways to have these *meetings* at other times when the child is not in the house. But it's going to take cooperation on not only your part but his too.

--------------------
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.


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justjaded
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: johnson27]
      #547939 - 06/24/09 12:21 PM

Ok this all sounds great but I feel like I have done this before and his response is he should go back on steroids. Well, thats how he got cancer in the first place in my opinion. (5ys recovered) He also states we have done the creams, the injections, and followups but erection is not the issue. Its his lack of interest, his attitude when I want if, him holding it over my head if we did do something or saying why would he want to since I am such a "B" or the child routine. I just think he doesn't care. Plus when it does happen ( maybe five times in five years) and never oral ever! I just think many things like he just used me to get away from his mothers house. We met in Jan, engaged in March and married in Nov,. It was way too fast now that I think about it. I did not know him and he did not know me and still he does not know what I like or what I want. But I know what he doesn't like. ME!
His first wife 20 years ago left him for a women and now I can see why. I know this is mean but its true. I could do the same if he doesn't step up to the plate.


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baldric
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: justjaded]
      #548088 - 06/25/09 05:24 AM

It's pretty obvious at this point you are fairly wound up about this, and no wonder.

I agree, its not right for a married couple to lack intimacy. I posted a similar post on a similar problem a week or two back in regard to my own problems
Basically, I laid the 'this needs to change or I'm moving out of the bedroom and we'll see where it goes.'

That shocked her into a change, I remains to be seen if its a lasting difference, or that was the only issue we had.

The 'kid in the house' thing is could be some kind of excuse, but it could be some deep rooted fear/hang up, you won't know unless you ask and figure out a work around.

There are books you can get off Amazon on this topic, and a letter is a good way of raising it without the potential confrontation of verbal discussion.

Communication is key, you've got to get you point across and elicit his feelings in response. Are there relationship resources you can potentially access with little cost from govt or social welfare groups?

In Australia, we have Relationship Australia ( http://www.relationships.com.au/ ) which has some resources.

I know, as a male, I need to have things pried out of me.

Best of luck.

And if none of that works, get out. The next 40 years is a long time without sex and intimacy


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justjaded
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: baldric]
      #548093 - 06/25/09 06:09 AM

Ok I wrote the letter and I should tell you what I said. I read it many times before he recieved it and I felt much better but now the cats out of the bag.
Letter:
Dear H-
I am writing to open the line of communication. First I want to tell you how I feel.
#1- FRUSTRATED
#2- ANGRY
#3- BITTER
#4- RESENTFUL
#5- UNATTRACTIVE
#6-SEXLESS
#7- UNAMUSED
#8-SPITEFULL
i AM 34 and in my prime and feel ripped off. I feel ripped off because I have to beg and bleep about sex. Do you realize you have not performed cunninglis in five years? If I told anyone that they would be like "F that. Thats a deal breaker, I am out". I have not I handled it with out. I feel angry because I need to write letters and act like a bleep. ( Well thats a good enough reason for me)
I am frustrated because we cannot satisfy each other emotionally or sexually and your answer is you will take illegal testosterone! or your snap back and say your suck a bleep. or "you smoke" or you cum too hard or the childs here or "Oh just roll over or " the dog is here" or anything else that breaks the deal or which ever excuse you come up with. I have given you everything a home, a meal everynight, a clean house, love and understanding and you have given me material things, but I am a simple girl who just wants love not gifts. I would rather live in a tent and get laid than have you hand me your paycheck every friday. I have other needs. I am sorry whatever your peroblem is but please admit your not attracted to me-PERIOD! You do not want me as a wife. Your want me for an escape from your family and I see that now. This is how I feel. I am tired of going to bed with just a backrub and going to sleep pissed off and resentful. I can not be in a sexless marriage. I can not live so deprived of love and intimacy. I can not keep holding out. I will eventually cheat on you. (BTW I am not a cheater either I would get divorced first). You need to step up and be a man. A man who keeps his wife happy and not with gifts or backrubs either.I am not being mean about it, just honest. This does not just go away when your done reading this. It needs to be fixed PRONTO! I am giving you a week to figure this out then I am deciding what needs to be done. I am serious! This has gone on long enough unfixed. I love sex and many ways so you better get busy making this work not just "Turn over". I will no longer beg or plead with you. I have said my peace, it all you now.
PS- The steriods are not allowed in my home nor accepted as a treatment option. You need to explain why you choose not to be intimate with me. Maybe its a childhood thing but I need to know.
Ok he reads the letter and says interesting letter! Do you want me to move out? I say no you need to fix this. He says I am embarresed enough. He then says your think I am not attracted to you? I said yup! He said so your going to have an affair in a week? I said I dont cheat. He said why do you stay with me and I say I don't know the answer to that. That was the conversation end of story. I go to bed pissed! The end.


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javajunkiee
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Re: 34 going on 90 and ready to start over. [Re: justjaded]
      #548332 - 06/25/09 08:10 PM

You're understandably pissed, but jeez -- who the hell wants to *** somebody who is

#1- FRUSTRATED
#2- ANGRY
#3- BITTER
#4- RESENTFUL
#5- UNATTRACTIVE
#6-SEXLESS
#7- UNAMUSED
#8-SPITEFULL ?????

If a man handed YOU that letter would you drop your clothes in passion or obligation??? Or tell him to go jack off?

If he won't go to counseling, you should, and in the meantime buy a vibrator if you're that horny. With the approach you're taking he's probably going to get laid alright. He's going to find someone who makes him not feel like he's piece of dirt who only brings misery.

Personally, it sounds like there are bigger problems in your marriage, and the lack of sex is just a symptom. Does this man have ANY redeeming value to you? If not, then leave already. Your anger is only making BOTH of you more miserable.

--------------------
Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.


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