losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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You are not a piece of furniture
your a human..
a person...
and a woman
Your wants and needs are no different from any of ours
now I think I'm starting to see the problem
I don't think it's you
it's looking like it's him
for the record cheating doesn't just happen to people that feel like you
some are compelled by it...
so are consumed by it
but I give you my word it's not the answer
it will only lead to more problems and not only problems with him but internally also
sorry it's late I put down more
in the morning
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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BeachBabeRN
old hand
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 783
Loc: Virginia
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Lostconfused -- I could have written this. I have lived your life and walked in your shoes, albeit not for as long a time but I've been there.
Sadly, my marriage ended close to a year ago. We'll be separated a year on 26 October.
It's difficult when the men we want so desperately to love us in a way that WE need to be loved, can't/won't do it. They seem to believe that the simple act of marrying us is what should completely satisfy us for the rest of our lives while they go their merry way and pay no attention to the fact that as they live their lives the way they choose, their marriage is slowly dying.
My STBX used to say, if I complained about something **well, I married you didn't I?** What a crappy thing to say to someone. He had plenty of time for his friends while I was working and sat in a chair the nights I was off watching hour after endless hour of news. Then when I would go to bed, he'd get interested.....and after all that, I surely wasn't.
This went on for MONTHS..............
Eventually, he left, after much fighting and crying and me begging him to see what he's doing to our relationship -- no, he left because I was a biotch. I'd rather fight than eat. HE never did anything wrong.
We had no children together and our finances had been split about six months into our marriage. He owed me seven thousand dollars which I am in the process of getting back. I was as lonely as you are -- I have only one son still at home the other is in the Marine Corps and stationed in Florida.
He left me while my oldest son was in boot camp -- a bad time for me anyway. For months afterward, he would come around and leave, come around and leave untill I finally fournd the balls to tell him NOT to call me, NOT to come by, NOT to come to my place of employment -- it wasn't until I did that that I had a measure of peace and sanity.
In the end, I wrote hima seven or eight page letter, expressing myself and my opinions about how his actions affected me. It was more closure for myself than anything else -- but he at least doesn't call, etc. thereby putting my emotions in an uproar again. It's easier.
It's lonelier also. I get lonely at times -- I tend to ignore it and it passes. My son at home is 17 and does all the stuff he should be doing at his age. I'm alone at lot, which really doesn't bother me. I have friends, a house to care for, work that needs to be done, I'm an ER nurse at a local hospital -- my life is full.
I understand that you want to do the right thing for your kids but the right thing is for your kids to have happy healthy parents. This isn't a great situation for them. Kids will survice a custodial parent working, mine did. They'll survive you going to school and furthering your education. They'll thrive in an environment that is supportive and loving and be satisfied with what they have.
Will it be harder for you? Yes, for sure it will. Will it be worth it?
Oh GOD, yes.
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Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken.
Evanescence
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Sounds like you have a tough decision to make
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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BeachBabeRN
old hand
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 783
Loc: Virginia
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No real decision, losingfaith, that die has been cast.
When he decides to divorce me, I'll sign off on it.
Done. There's nothing left to fight over.
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Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken.
Evanescence
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lostconfused72
recently joined
Reged: 09/22/09
Posts: 8
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I feel like my road is leading to divorce, but I am trying to look at all my options before that decision. I started counselling today. To say I feel a deep sense of relief is an understatement. I don't have any more answers than I did before I walked into that room, but I now have a path. My mental health is so shot at this point I can't imagine I am a very effective parent. I am just taking on breath at a time and eventually things will be the way they are suppose to be. I think my therapist (which btw, my husband says he doesn't want to go to) is going to be a HUGE source of help. She is pro doing the right thing given all the situations. She will help me work out my inner demons and see what is to become of my marriage. If I walk away, it will be knowing I did everything I could to try to make things work. If I did end up divorced, I would move back down to my hometown. All my support system is there. My kids (and I) would be surrounded by friends and family. The kids would get more support than they have here. They wouldn't have their dad, but he's pretty much abscent anyway. He does spend more time with them than he does with me, but really, that's not saying much. Thank you so much for the support!!
My dad cheated on my mom. I was the one to catch him. I know the emotional turmoil it caused, though my mother stayed. I could not emotionally handle doing that to my husband, but I am starting to understand the loneliness and desire to have someone that feels like you are important. Maybe one day I will have true love, if there is even such a thing.....
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 136
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I think you have the same problem my stbx had. Staying at home with nothing to do.
She wanted adult conversation during the day and i couldnt give it. Then she started getting it from lonely divorced/single men in the game we both played while I was working. Maybe you should get you a job and do something so you can not feel like you have to get adult conversation since right now you are not getting enough. Try playing the games with him too. It sounds like his traveling all week and just not being there is making both of you grow distant from each other until you are ready to throw away your marriage to find someone who will be there to provide the attention he cant/wont give. Does he know how serious it is? Mention divorce to him and see how he reacts. Sometimes we men are dense and need sledgehammer to get through to us to see what is going on. Maybe he can change jobs to be home more. Then again, maybe he thinks he wants one too or is just trying to wait out your "bad mood" thinking it will go away in time when you finish your degree and get your own job. If i didnt mix peoples post up with who is getting the degree.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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lostconfused72
recently joined
Reged: 09/22/09
Posts: 8
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No, it is me getting the degree. Getting a job would be difficult. I do volunteer a great deal at my children's schools, but I still have 2 very young ones. I could put them in day care, but I would feel more guilty about that than the job would do any good.
We have been talking seriously about the situation. He knows I am on the verge of divorce. He says he's willing to try, but this weekend his efforts were less than half hearted to say the least. I got 2 hugs (more than I usually get) but he still sat downstairs all weekend watching football and being on the computer.
I had my first therapy session today. It was enlightening. I just don't know what the future holds yet. I don't think he wants me to divorce him, at least that's what he said, and once I finish my degree I will be getting a job. I go out with friends and I lean on them for comfort, but it's not the same. At what point is it over? When does the fat lady actually sing????
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Quote:
When does the fat lady actually sing????
She doesn't have too if you don't want her too
Love comes from inside and if you want to find it with him again then do so instead of making excuses.
Don’t listen to friends
Don’t listen to family
Don’t listen to me if you don’t want to
I don’t want you to think I’m telling you to stay in something that you are not happy in
But I have learned from experience that if you truly want something then you have to make it happen
Like I said nothing happens unless you first put effort into it
get him on board
he said he is not interested in going to counseling but he doesn't want to be divorced
then tell him if he doesn't then you will proceed with the divorce
by doing so you are putting the ball in his court
make him understand that it's time to put up or shut up
don’t do it rudely but make him understand that this is it and if he is not willing to try then that is direction that it will go
Best of luck to you
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/05/09 02:32 PM)
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ConfusedDadNH
recently joined
Reged: 10/28/09
Posts: 6
Loc: NH
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Hi Lost and Confused
I was that husband you mentioned. I have together with my wife for over 20 years (I am 38) and married for over half those. I travelled a ton and was rarely home before 7:30pm on the days i didnt travel. I thought that by giving my wife fancy things and taking her to exotic places it would take the place of a partner. I thought that the "opportunity and privilege" of staying home with our kids was enought to fulfill her needs. Boy was I wrong. Here I am know on the brink of divorce with major regrets that I didnt "love, touch and notice" her more over the past 10 years. I cannot point to a time or day when our relationship went south, but it was gradual and slow and took time to get this way. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for him and have intimacy needs that arent being met, the positive news is that a lot of time a man's inability to be intimate is based on our own hang-ups (feeling of failure, past relationships, insecurity etc) and they can be worked out through joint therapy. It dosent matter how you got here, just were you go. If you choose do do nothing than things will get worse and may possibly reach a point of no return for you like they are with my wife. my advice is to do the stuff that makes you feel good about yourself (eg exercise, classes, clubs etc) that make you less reliant on needing his "approval" to feel good about YOU. Lonliness is horrible but only you can be reposnible for finding a way through - this is true even if your husband was a supportive and attentive man. IT will stop hurting but it takes time - start small- do something for yourself that you truely love...a book? a letter to an old friend? a long walk? whatever it is take that first step. The irony is that once you start to feel better about yourself and less needy you will become more attractive to your husband and less of a victim. I know this because I started out just like your husband, but am now just like you as you have described the last post on 9/22. I have no idea where my marraige will end-up but it's not looking good. Maybe your's isnt as far gone as mine. But gain - most importantly - get couples therapy.
Good Luck
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