suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Almost two wks ago a stupid incident caused my husband and I to fight and now he's pushing for divorce after being married for 8 months (22nd would have been our 8 month anniv.) and his reason is that he's tired of trying to get his family and I to see eye to eye.
I didn't cheat on him, he didn't cheat on me. Bottom line is he wants a divorce because he's tired of choosing between me and his family.
I've hit rock bottom and have realized that I am willing to do ANYTHING if it will make his family happy and make him happy BUT he's not willing to give me that chance. I feel like we haven't put effort into making this marriage work and now he wants to take the easy road and call it quits.
I don't want to accept this because his reasons for wanting a divorce are so childish and petty! It's driving me nuts trying to figure all this out.
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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A few questions...
How long have the two of you been together including the 8 months of marriage?
Has he left the home?
How is he being put into a situation to choose between you and his family?
What were the situations surrounding the two of you being married?
(Meaning was it because of an unplanned pregnancy or was this something that the two of you have been talking about for sometime now.)
You have left a good bit of the story blank and that makes it hard to offer advice.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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We've been together for 3 years before the wedding.
Yes he has left and moved back in with his parents.
They'll tell him things like "come to dinner but don't bring your wife." "come to your uncles bbq but dont bring Suzie" "come to your sisters wedding but if you're going to bring Suzie don't bother coming at all" and the answer to all of these from him to them: OK. we've actually had fights over this and his inability to stand up to them and say this is my wife now respect her!
His family wasn't at our wedding. I couldn't stand being with his family anymore so I suggested we take a month break (this was before the wedding) and he begged & begged and said screw you guys to his family and suggested we elope. it was his idea to get married without his family's blessing and i wasn't going to stop him because i had my own family to deal with!
His sister thinks everything I do is just to spite her when reality, I'm living my own life, I'm just being me! I mean no harm to anybody.
We had been talking about marriage before we got engaged (july 08) but his family made him promise (behind my back) that he wouldnt get married before his little sister. When I found out later that they had this conversation with him without me (his fiancee) I was so upset. All the while here I am planning a wedding and his sister & parents would get upset that I was planning a wedding. Nevermind that I never knew of the "promise" they all were holding against my husband.
Now I'm trying desperately to make things better, please them just to stay together but I keep coming up a wall.
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Well the first thing I can tell you is if you want to love the one your with you must also at the very least respect the ones that he loves
What are the reasons they dislike you?
I’m sure something must have been done or was it you who first disliked them.
To start a war with your spouse’s family can be one of the fastest ways to turn your spouse against you. See the thing to keep in mind here is that you are an outsider and you are not just going to be accepted you must first earn their trust. Even if you have never done anything wrong.
I understand your position all too well as I'm dealing with their very issue and it's not an easy one but you need to find a way to become friends with them or you will more then likely loose him.
My advice is…
Give them some time. (a few weeks)
Offer and apology. (Even if you really didn't do anything or if they don't deserve one. Just be the bigger person.)
Make the apology sincere
Something like this…
"I’m sorry you don’t want me to be apart of things but I would like all of you to know that I truly do want to be apart of this family. I love your son deeply and only want to be the best wife I can to him and I understand none of you really know this, so this is why I’m telling all of you. I hope all of you can accept my apology thank you for your time..."
Remember keep it short, simple and don’t try explaining anything.
When they are ready to accept this apology, then they will be receptive to hearing your side and your explanation. Honestly they may never offer you the chance too do so and if they don’t you have to be ready to accept that.
Remember don’t get upset over people that are so thickheaded that they will never get it…
Not now not tomorrow, not ever.
The thing to keep in mind is that while some of them may let down their guard and some may not, and even if none of them do don’t get upset about it. Simply grin and bare it.
If you let them and your emotions get the best of you; you are allowing them to win
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/22/09 04:51 PM)
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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....
oops
sorry re-post
lol
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/22/09 04:47 PM)
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pokey
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Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 626
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I feel like your family is your family but when you get married then you have a whole new family that comes first.
I worry about my wife and kids before I did my other family, but that's just me.
My mom tried the same thing and causing trouble and I haven't talk to her since. I won't until she says she's sorry for all the trouble she has caused.
that's just me however. my wife and kids come first. My family should respect whoever I'm with out of respect for me
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Don't get me wrong I agree with that myself 100%
If my family were to interfere with my marriage I would cut off contact
Not completely but not to the point that I would allow them to do this
I also agree with you 100% on the fact that your wife and kids are now your new family and that you mother, father brothers and sisters are not your extended family
and I'm not saying that is what he should do
but she was asking for advice on how to resolve this problem so I offered her my best advice
I'm not saying this will fix things but it might help
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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And this did happen to me in the past
During my first marriage my mom lived less then 5 miles from us and I played in a band so on nights when I would have a gig my ex-wife would come to the shows. She would call my mother to baby-sit.
Our little girl had issues with her weight and was sick often and would be place on no sugar diets and things of that nature. My ex-wife would inform her that she was not to give her any sweets and because of her being sick she was not to go outside. But yet when we would get home she would be given cake or cookies and she was allowed to go outside. (we were informed this by our neighbor) this would make both of us angry but then I would say well she is her grandmother.
So we spotted getting her to baby-sit but we still allowed her to come over and I guess she resented the fact that we didn’t want her to baby-sit and because of that she would start crap with my ex-wife. Ultimately this would cause huge arguments between my wife and I and she told me that she didn’t want my mother over at the house anymore.
I felt stuck between two women that I cared deeply for but I know in the back of my mind that even my mother told me when I was young that when you get married you stick by your wife unless she was doing something to physically hurt me or someone else or she was doing something illegal
lol
The funny thing is she did do things to physically hurt me but it never bothered me because she was so small it really didn’t hurt. So, in the end I put my foot down and told her she was not allowed over anymore until she was able to both kept it to herself and apologies for what was done.
The saddest part about it was, my own mother taught me from a young age that if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything al all but yet she did that very thing herself.
hmmm
I guess some of us have the stones to steep up to the plate and do the right thing and some of us are cowards
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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I can honestly say that I have never done anything bad intentionally to his family. Honestly.
I believe there was a lot, A LOT, of miscommunication between my husband and his parents and that miscommunication was blamed on me from his parents.
For instance, I was living with my cousin for 6 months after I graduated college and moved back into the Valley. Well, when I told my then boyfriend (now husband soon to be ex) that I was looking for my own place he said he didn't want me living alone, I said fine I'd get a roommate. He said he didn't want me living with anyone else SO: he invited himself to move in with me. I didn't want to live with him, I urged him to reconsider. His father is a Pastor and I know for a fact that everyone would talk behind our back. Instead of him approaching his parents that it was HIM, and only him, who wanted to move out and in with me, he told them I was afraid to live alone and I was giving him an ultimatum to move in with me or we end things. That's when the trouble started. Everything he did after that, in his parents eyes it seemed like I was forcing him with my "threats" but really I wasn't forcing anybody to do anything!
His family has always compared me to his ex-girlfriend and I felt that wasn't fair to me because from what I heard, she was a horrible person. They were afraid I would do the same thing to him that she did to him. So they had reservations about me even before they knew who I was.
They felt I was too educated for him, I would make more money and leave him, they would judge me for wanting to pursue more schooling.
About the giving them time and then apologizing? I DID. I swallowed my pride a few months after our wedding and called his mother to apologize and she said this to me: We don't want your apology right now, a month before our daughters wedding, you will apologize when we tell you we want you to apologize. If we forgive you now, we would feel obligated to inviting you to the wedding." Here I call her to make things right, to apologize for things I didn't feel (still don't feel) I should be sorry for and I listen for 20 mins her chewing me out about ruining their sons life.
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losingfaith
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Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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This is just an asumption and I could be way off the mark here but
Sounds like he wants out and is playing his fam against you to be used as an excuse
maybe you did play a part in him rushing into this or maybe he is waking up to the fact that he realy wasn't ready for it
it could be so many things
or maybe you should just take this for what it is
if you truly want to save this then wait and see how it all plays out
or ask yourself the realy had question
do you realy want to be with some one that isn't willing to put you and his life first
and one thing to keep in mind is...
One day you may have kids involved and that is somethin you need to add into this also
honestly this is a hard one for me because my wife is doing something like this to me
this is why we should not rush into things like this
the bells should have been going off when he moved in with you and it was causing problems
but I allso understand that when you love someone you don't think about things like this but that's not to say you shouldn't have
at 36 if life has taught me anything it's this...
You need to stay true tou yourself and if it looks like someone is truly not right for you then it should end then not after you get maried
unless you are willing to reduce yourself inorder to make them happy
but then again some say that that is true love
when one is willing to forgo their own needs to make another happy
I wish I had an easy answer but it would seam there are no easy answers to problems like this
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/25/09 03:02 PM)
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