pokey
addict
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 626
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I've tried everything I can think of to save mine and nothing works if the other person doesn't want to.
I've tried begging,crying,guilt,logic and going to counsueling. She just don't want to work at it. I asked her to go to counsueling with the kids and me, but she says there's no way she's going and there is nothing wrong with her.
From what she tells me the only reason she left was because she can't get a long with my son from first marraige.
She says that we're good, that I'm a good husband and father she just can't live with my son. It just happens that they both moved out on the same weekend.
I told her that if she want's a divorce then at least I can now go to sleep at night knowing that I did everything and I mean everything that I can do to make it work.
Sometimes I think by the way she talks to me that she is haveing second thoughts but don't know how to get out of it now. But I've given her every chance I told when she filed I didn't want it. I told her when she gave me the papers that I wish we could work it out. All she keeps saying is it's too late. Well at least I know that I did everything.
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DeeCan
old hand
Reged: 04/05/08
Posts: 948
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Suzie, my husband's family sounds a lot like your husband's family. Except our issues arise out of my husband's ex being married to his brother (basically, she's our SIL).
My husband gave his parents one chance to get over their shyt. They didn't, he walked away from them.
That is what a man does. When his parents are in the wrong, he severs the ties. If they realize the error of their ways, he can make amends.
A man who continues to give into his parents hasn't cut the apron strings, isn't much of a man and is NOT someone you want for the rest of you life unless you want to battle it the rest of your life.
Cut your losses and run....NOW!
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I'll keep my guns, money, freedom; you keep "the change."
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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I agree with you DeeCan but I think that goes both ways, women need to steep up to that plate and play ball by the same rules
To many times someone be it the man or the woman in a marriage allows something or someone else to control the outcome of their marriage. Either through interference from someone else or cheating but how ever it happens they are allowing someone or something to luring their heart away from the marriage. Honestly that’s the sickest thing I have come to understand about marriage. I will never understand how someone can allow something like this to happen.
If they owned something lets say a new car or their kids for that matter they wouldn’t allow someone to scratch it or hurt their kids. I bet they would defend them and that like a mother mountain lion protecting its cub’s.
I guess the real question is…
Why can’t people do the same for their marriage…
Does it not hold the same value?
And so it would seam my screen name will always read losing faith
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/26/09 03:42 PM)
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Pokey, I agree with you and I'm at that phase now. I've accepted that he wants this divorce and at least I know that I have tried and am still trying very hard to "work it out", not give in to calling it quits so quickly. He knows that I will change if he decides to give us one more chance and he knows his family WONT change and I believe he's afraid to see that happen so that's why he keeps pushing me away. It's easier for him to push me away than to push his family away.
Come on what kind of grounds for divorce is "well she doesn't respect my parents & my sister". I was talking to him on the phone the other night and he was with his father and I said please tell him hi for me, he did and his father's response was "she should have thought about saying hello a long time ago. it's too late now." THIS coming from a PASTOR. This is exactly what I've been dealing with for years, I do my best to be nice and show respect but they always come back at me with these rude comments and I feel sooooo rejected afterwards! Why would I continue to show my respect if I know they don't appreciate it for what it is, a sincere gesture! I ordered a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day for his mother (nevermind that I hadn't seen her in months because they wouldn't come to our home and they wouldn't invite me to their home), well she calls me a few days later and says "thank you." then continues to chew me out about what a disrespectful person I am for not going to church with them, for not letting their son go to family events without me, for making their son miserable (I don't know where she gets this from). I felt so hurt that here out of the goodness of my heart I send her flowers without my husband knowing because I wanted to do it from me not from "us" and she used it as an excuse to make me feel bad.
DeeCan, thank you. You said everything my friends/family are telling me but still I feel like at the end of the day it's MY decision and if I choose to work things out with him, I should feel free to. I hate having the pressure from everyone that why should you work it out, look what he did to you, humiliated you several times and yet you still choose to go back to him. For me it's not about "going back to him", it's about fighting for marriage. What he did 2 wks ago (the most degrading thing you can do to a woman, my god) is enough to have any woman pack and leave but I can't do that. I believe in forgiveness, I don't believe in holding grudges, I believe all of this will make us stronger as a couple. I just need him to realize that.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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I agree and applaud you for the fact that you want to save this but the sad part is that if he is not willing then you are fighting a lonely battle
I'm doing the same thing my wife has filed for divorce and I don't want her to give up but she seams set on it because of the influence of her friends and family
I'm not going to go into all the messy stuff because it's a long story but marriage was meant to last but at the same time (like I said in an earlier post) it sounds like he wants out
It’s like what they said in a book I recently read…
Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings but rarely practiced in the home and as a result romantic hopes are often crushed.
When most people promises for better or worst they normally only mean for the better because the worst means they actually have to put effort into it
I do hope your husband doesn’t give up.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Thank you. I hope so too.
Just to give you an update, we've been talking, we're on friendly terms and I think I might be looking too much into this "friendliness" because he's always reminding me "hey just because I'm being nice doesn't mean I want to get back together."
We had dinner the other night for the first time since the breakup and when his parents called him to see how late he was going to be out, he told them he was at his buddies house. He didn't want them to know he was with me.
God forbid he should tell his family he's seeing me and they should think it's good that we should at least, at the very least, TRY to save our marriage.
I can't force him to go to counseling but how can I convince him that fine even though in his eyes we're over, we still might benefit from the counseling. Maybe it'll save us, maybe it won't but we'll never know because he doesn't want to try.
I'm having a hard time accepting that. I've been keeping myself very busy with friends and work just so I don't dwell on how much I'm losing control of all this.
I also don't appreciate being his dirty little secret, maybe he's afraid of his parents lol I've always thought that because anything he's told them he's going to do, they would put him down making him insecure and he would take it out on me with arguments. Of course he would be afraid to tell them anything!
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pokey
addict
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 626
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Quote:
When most people promises for better or worst they normally only mean for the better because the worst means they actually have to put effort into it
I do hope your husband doesn’t give up.
I just told my wife something like that last weekend. I told her that I beleived her about richer or pourer even sickness and health. but the better or worst ment only the better. when the time got hard she just packed up and ran.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Ok that’s good that the two of you are talking
Don’t push anything
you have to let him see this for himself
don’t make the mistake that I made
if you push you will more then likely push in the wrong direction
Quote:
We had dinner the other night for the first time since the breakup and when his parents called him to see how late he was going to be out, he told them he was at his buddies house. He didn't want them to know he was with me.
God forbid he should tell his family he's seeing me and they should think it's good that we should at least, at the very least, TRY to save our marriage.
This says a lot as to how he feels
Take it for face value
Sometimes it’s not what they say it’s what they don’t say
Quote:
I can't force him to go to counseling but how can I convince him
Honestly you can try telling him the same thing you just said right here
But the truth be told…
He has to want to go for him or else it will all be for not
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/29/09 02:31 PM)
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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He's saying he wants to be friends with me but still wants to go through with the divorce.
What does he mean? I hate it when MEN say this because from my experience it means hey I'll talk to you on the side but won't be seen in public with you. WTF??
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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It means you should probably prepare for a divorce
Don’t make your self available to him in the aspect of sex anymore.
That would be the first thing I would do
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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